Matthew 8-9

Jesus keeps going around "touching" people.  Why, I dunno, since he heals some of them without "touching", and I've just got  dirty mind, but when I read about him 'laying his hands on' people, I can't help thinking: he was kinda the first Catholic priest, right?

What else does this book tell us about its main character?  Well, he doesn't think you should bury dead people. 

²¹Another disciple said to him, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father."
 ²²But Jesus told him, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead."

That's pretty heartless, and besides, old corpses laying all over, Ewww.
He seems to hate pigs, and he does what demons ask.

³¹The demons begged Jesus, "If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs."
 ³²He said to them, "Go!" So they came out and went into the pigs, and the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and died in the water.

Oh, he's really Hawt, other guys follow him like hound dogs.

⁹As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector's booth. "Follow me," he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.

Eat your heart out, Scarlett Johansson, tax collectors'll only tell you to meet them after work.
Also BTW, is Matthew Horndog here the same guy who wrote this book? Doesn't sound like it.

Finally, when somebody asked him why his d00ds weren't fasting, he babbled three verses about bridegrooms and wineskins and never did answer the question. So we know two more things about Jesus. He won't give a straight answer, and he sucks at metaphors.