Matthew 5-7

We're up to the Beatles, err, Beatitudes. So far it's just an intro, now we get to hear what this Jesus guy had to say.

A lot of cliches: salt of the earth (5:13), city on a hill (14), turn the other cheek (38), pray in private (6:2-6), planks in ur eye (7:3), know tree by fruit (7:16).  Mostly he seems like a  nice guy, if a little naïve, saying things like “the meek shall inherit the earth**.

There's funny parts. The lust-in-your-heart quote, how it's better to lose part of your body than go to hell (5:28-30):

Chop off your dick! 

Scoop out your brain!

He says never swear on the bible (5:33). Tell it to the judge, lol. Reminds me of the lady who refused to swear in as a witness, because she was a good christian and didn't use foul language. That's a true story.

Then 6:7 says don't “babble like pagans” when you pray (KJV “vain repetitions”)—then turns around and gives you the words to the lord's prayer. WTF? That isn't babbling?
Catholic childhood: confess sins, get penance (=say X Hail Mary's and Y Our Fathers),—estimate how long that would take, daydream for that long, get up and leave, mission accomplished.  No babbling.
 

There are deep theosophical questions too. He doesn't come to abolish the Law or the Prophets, but to fulfill them(5:17). ???Uhhh, how do you fulfill a Prophet?
This makes no sense, and get your mind out of the gutter. You could fulfill a Law, I guess, by obeying it, so he's saying all those Old Testament laws still apply, we should stone people to death, keep wool and linen separate.

Or maybe not. Other people with too much time on their hands have studied this. It means: First decide if the Law agrees with whatever atheists say: if it doesn't, shitcan it; if it does, follow it and accuse atheists of not having it.

5:22 says you'll go to hell if you call somebody a fool. Well the Old Testament, that's God talking right? and he calls people fools in Ps. 14:1, Prov. 10:18, Prov. 15:5, Prov. 18:4-7, Lk. 12:20, Prov. 28:26. See ya in Hell, god.

Not only that, even Matthew says somebody is like a fool (7:27). Being like a fool is not the same as being a fool, so that's ok maybe? Where's the cutoff point? 90%? 80%? 0.02%?

As preachers go this this Jesus character isn't bad, but he crashes and burns when he says no divorce ever (5:32), for anything except adultery. Fuck that. How about for beating the shit out of you? No problem with that, preacherman? 

Finally, it's a pretty lame-ass prophet who couldn't foresee the consequences of an idiotic remark like this one: