Parable of the Money (Mat 25)

The Parable of the Talents is an unashamed plug for investment banking. Christians always say it means something else. Why? Who the fuck knows. I went to Bread Upon the Waters Ministry to find out.

This is one of the best known of Jesus' Parables. It is also well known, in an elementary way, what the meaning is: We are supposed to use our talents in the Lord's service.

Well, we don't pay with talents anymore, but most places accept dollars.

But there is a major point in this Parable that is often misunderstood.

Oh dear.

The major point is in how we define the word, "talent".

Well that's easy, we look in the dictionary. A talent was a bunch of money. They used the British plan back then, a pound of Pounds, a talent of Talents, either way, it's a lot of moola.

And when Christians think of using their "talents" in the Lord's service, they are usually thinking of using their natural aptitudes. Unfortunately, that is not what Jesus was referring to.

No shit. It didn't start meaning that for another 14 centuries.

Let us take a look at the context of the giving of the "Talents", in Matthew 25:14-15

No, no, no. Dictionary. Let us take a look at the dictionary.

14. For the kingdom of heaven is as a man traveling into a far country,

this Parable about something that happens in the kingdom of heaven.

FAIL. Do you speak English? “is as” it says. It's an analogy. People were not burying money in Heaven. How could they? Can you dig holes in clouds? Also, how many angels does it take to dig a hole in a cloud?

Let's set aside these interesting theological questions. Reading Comprehension, grade F. Next subject, Logic:

The people to whom the Talents were given were all the master's servants. There were no strangers involved. Therefore, we conclude that true "Talents" are given only to Christians.

What? We … what?

All T to S

no s

Therefore, all T to C

WTF? Logic, Grade F-. he goes on like that, only worse, and comes up with two more conditions for these talents that he still hasn't looked up.

There is only one thing in the Bible that fulfills these conditions.

Because nothing exists that isn't in the Bible. This computer you're using? Doesn't exist. Dictionaries? Don't exist.

So, yet again, what are they? Gifts of the Holy Spirit!!!

LULZ! Definitions are gifts of the holy spirit too. The Holy Spirit of Google bestows one on you every time you do this.

Contrary to what many Christians believe, natural aptitudes are not Gifts of the Holy Spirit!!!

LOL! So what, neither are Sybians. We're we're not talking about them or Gifts of the … mmm, come to think of it, they might be the same thing. Money! We're talking about money.

He quotes Ephesians and Corinthians, instead of Funk and Wagnalls, and he decides the “Gifts” are teachers and prophets, WTF?

Now that we know Google doesn't exist, or dictionaries, and that talents were gifts from Casper, he makes my eyes bleed with another 5000 words about how to use those gifts (not the Sybian, that's a fuck of a** lot more interesting).

**worst pun this year

He also editorializes: theatre is evil so don't be a actress or actor, you gotta be at least 30 years old, a whole section on how music will lead you astray, and another called“Be Careful About Being A Prophet!” Good advice.


This sentence remains inscrutable, downright Delphic. What could it mean?

You might find out some day that … That nobody that everyone in the Church really looks down on might get the Seal of the Living God, when even that wonderful pastor of yours that you loved so much doesn’t.

Everybody has an agenda. The gays have one, to force us all to gaymarry and have ickysex with panda bears. He has one too, and he spills the beans about it.

If the Born Again Christians of our day had the kind of unity and commitment that the Early Christians had, we could take over the world … We would be able to dictate the actions of governments

Nice to be all upfront about it. But

we must turn our backs completely on the world.

Isn't that kind of hard to do when you're taking it over? That's some diabolical strategy there. Or something. Far far too late, he sums up;

Just remember this: If you do have a real "talent", a real service gift, you must develop it and use it for the Lord’s service. … If you have a "talent" and you don’t use it, like the servant in the Parable, you may very well lose everything – eternally.

So in 5000+ words he's said call them “service gifts”, not natural aptitudes. Also, never Google. Now I'm pissed off, and considerably older. Those minutes will never come back, but now I know why Christians say this parable is not about money: it's because they're fuckwits.

Matthew 23-24

Most of Matthew 23-24 is Jesus talking smack about the Pharisees, ranting and raving about their hypocrisy. He's gone all apeshit like John the Baptist, just needs a big END IS NEAR' sign. It's all good till 23:34. when he starts saying some really weird crap. He's convinced himself he's god by now, and he's gonna send prophets, he's gonna raise from the dead.

Jesus fits the pattern. Jim Jones, Shoko Asahara, David Koresh, Mohammed, they all started out normal, got successful, got a big head, starting thinking they were god's mouthpiece, first thing you know somebody's getting killed. Hope I didn't give away the ending

Jesus seems to have a martyr complex and internalized all those old myths about gods doing the Zombie Dance after three days. He thinks he's Mithra or one of them so he'll be going zombie soon, and he's got all his d00ds going along with it. Pretty crazy shit, but typical of people who catch that prophet virus.

Matthew 25:14-30 tells the Parable of the Talents, where a guy gets reamed for not making a lot of money. Boy is this ever a wtf moment. It contradicts everything Jesus is supposed to be preaching, and even what he is preaching. Needles, camels, remember?

That little tremor is tectonic plates shifting from Christians mobbing up to explain how it means exactly the opposite of what it says, as usual, but there's not a shred of context to indicate it means anything but what it says. It's about money: making money = good, making more money = more good.

When Alan Greenspan talked about economics people didn't say it was symbolic, prime rate meant skirts, and he was talking about raising hemlines. Interest meant interest. Interest = good.

Only, through most of history Christians hated interest, until lately when they saw how profitable it was. It's why Jesus went postal on the money changers, supposedly. Muslims still go to hell for charging interest, and some Christian holdouts, the ones you see in the food lines. 

How do they explain this story in their Words of God Book inciting people to play the market? That'll be next.

Priest Fathers (Mat. 23:8-11)

8 But you are not to be called 'Rabbi,' for you have only one Master and you are all brothers.
9 And do not call anyone on earth 'father,' for you have one Father, and he is in heaven.
10 Nor are you to be called 'teacher,' for you have one Teacher, the Christ.
11 The greatest among you will be your servant.

Well fuck me four ways, I never knew this was in here. But … but ... Catholic priests! … Father! … All my life I ... WTH? … for answers, I asked Father Mike!

... as to how a Christian could take on such a title in direct violation of Christ's words, "Call no man Father" (Matthew 23, 2-10). Let me explain. Yes, 'Father', please do.
In His life as a servant, Jesus gave us an example of how to be leaders. At the Last Supper, He got down and washed the feet of His apostles. He was opposed to any leader taking on a haughty or superior attitude. Right in line with His actions and His teachings, He told us in Matthew not to call anyone "Father," "Rabbi," or "Teacher."

So nix “Father”. Sounds like “Servant Mike” is what Jesus was going for. I like it.

In martial arts they have the same problem.

“The warrior is not the master, he is not the sifu nor the sensei, these are just physical words that we put upon ourselves to make us seem important, or better than those who we guide.”

Word, karate guy, like that other axiom “we're all just students”. There's nothing as ridiculous as some twenty-year-old who starts a dojo and expects everyone to call him Master Soandso. Calling him 'Father' Soandso, now that'd be just creepy.

Father Servant Mike blathers on,

I think one would do an injustice to Christ to think He was opposed to calling the father of five children a fatherWhat? You fathered five children? You rascal  or the leader of a synagogue a "rabbi" or the young woman who is instructing thirty-five first graders a "teacher." Jesus is not opposed to using words to describe what a person is doing.

So why not “priest” Soandso, like in the eastern branch? Or go with “Hypocrite”, “Liar”, “Scam Artist”? Maybe “Kiddie-fiddler”.

Christ is opposed to titles that persons use to "Lord it over" (Luke 22:25) others [i.e. “father” (above, 9)]. If a person uses a title to be exempted from service of others or to feel better than others, the titles should not be used.

The context here is Jesus talking shit about the Pharasees for showing off, and he used their titles as an example. “They love to have men call them 'rabbi'”, he sez, “don't do what they do”, he sez. Servant Mike must be looking at the missing line 9½ that only advanced students learn, where it adds “and when I say don't do it, I mean don't feel better when you do do it”.

As a priest who uses the title "Father" before my name, I must listen closely to Christ's words. So you can ignore them? Am I using the title to consider myself better than others? If so I should not use it. For me, the title "Father" that Jesus said not to use is closely connected to the vow I have taken to live a life of celibacy. ?! I have chosen not to marry a woman and generate children. WTF? That denial for the kingdom of God of what is very natural doesn't eliminate my responsibility to be a father. that explains all the raping. Why they pick on boys, well, the Church is against sex ed. I must use my love and creativity (ewww) to serve the needs of others to whom I am committed through the church. When people call me "Father" like Jesus said not to, they challenge me and remind me to love the people of the kingdom and not shirk my responsibilities of fatherhood like the one where you obey your boss?

Way to change the subject, dick. We're talking about titles, not about your job. You're just saying you don't have to follow your bosses orders because you, because of, because, oh shit I don't even know. What you're giving me here is known in technical terms as an “excuse”. Your boss told you not to do it and you're doing it. Simple as that.

And if you ever find me using the title "Father" to imply I'm better than you or if I am not loving you in service, call me Mike.

Okey-dokey, Mike.

Bottom line, these guys are famous for thinking they don't have to obey the Law; here we see they won't even obey their own rules. They're big on the rest of us obeying them, though, so what to do? Every time you call a priest “Father”, baby Jesus cries, so we need a new title for them. Any suggestions?

The Two Commandments (Matt 22:34-40)

Matthew 22:34-40

 The Pharisees take a crack at Jesus, “What's the greatest commandment?” they wanna know. Me, I'd've just asked which ones they are, but our boy clears things up makes an even worse clusterfuck out of it.

37 Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'
38 This is the first and greatest commandment.
39 And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'
40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

That's great, J, only, these aren't part of the Ten Commandments. Any of them. The second one's part of Matthew's Seven, but neither of one them is in the Bible's Ten Commandments, or even in the list everybody calls the Ten Commandments.

Oh great. Now we've got a fourth version where there's only Two, that're greater than all the rest. Let's keep these two and shitcan all the rest. Especially that one about destroying groves and altars.

God of the Dead (Matt 22:31-33)

 (Matthew 22:31-33)

Moving right along through chapter 22, Jesus attempts to answer questions: In heaven there is no beer marriage, he says, and then

31 But about the resurrection of the dead—have you not read what God said to you,

32 'I am the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob'? [editor's not: These guys are all dead, dead, and dead] He is not the God of the dead but of the living."

33 When the crowds heard this, they were astonished at his teaching.

Wow, so am I. God said he's the god of dead people, therefore he's not the god of the dead. Epic logic Fail.

Astonishing all right. About this, it says 'Jesus had silenced the Sadduccees”(22:34), which seems right. They were astonished by how crazy this guy was and they went back to being Sadducced, which sounds a lot more fun.

Eat Pussy (Matt 22:1-14)

Matthew 22:1-14

It's weird reading the bible. It's not new, not like I haven't been hearing these stories all my life. At least, I thought. 

Growing up was, “The bible has a story about a wedding banquet. It illustrates how … something … bad people don't get into heaven, so eat your broccoli.” Or whatever. Now though, I'm paying attention, and what I see is:

some king has a wedding and
throws some guy out for
not wearing the right clothes.

Wow, that's harsh. Jesus says heaven is like this king, though, so I guess you can't get in with jeans and a t-shirt. If you have to wear a tux who wants to go there, and besides, this king is a real creep who burned an entire city just to revenge some murders. Even the LAPD doesn't do that.
The whole thing sucks. If I'd known what it really says I'd never have eaten that broccoli.

They always quote that last line:

“Many are called but few are chosen”

See, I didn't even have to google it, it's embedded in my brain like some smiley faced cancer. What it means, though, that's ... mmm ... my fingers freeze on the keyboard ... the parrots in my memory shutup ... I feel myself bathed in a cold light of clarity, and I realize,

That doesn't have a damn thing to do with this story!

It says invite anyone you find. Everybody was chosen, not just a few. That line should read “Everyone is called and everyone is chosen, then a few are unchosen, if they can't afford sharp threads.”

Oh wait, it's a parable. You have to interpret it.[ya see the sarcasm in those letters? totes sarcasm]

This guy says the king provided clothes and the T-shirt guy snubbed him. Sez “it's evident.” Ha! What's evident to me is that the story doesn't say that.

This one says “one must know the eastern customs”. Uhhh, which one? Why? How many thousands of different cultures must I know? How far east? Is Utah far enough? 
Some pretty strange customs there.

Wikipedia says that's not likely right anyway, Augustine says the garment is love, Martin Luther says it's Christ, this yahoo says it's Jesus's teachings, sez “we have to say that”.
LOL, I don't gotta say that. I can say this;

Five different d00ds I just googled up, all telling me five different things. That makes five different religions. Whooo-hooo, sects for everybody!

None of these Christians say what the bible says (you need to dress up to get to heaven). That means  

Christianity is not based on the Bible.  

It's based on what some wanker says is in the bible.

Here's what I say is in the Bible. Eat Pussy. Eat lots of pussy, at every opportunity your woman gives you. The better job you do the better your chance at heaven. Because, you know, the goddess only chooses those who satisfy her. 

I Don't Know My Ass (Matt 21:23-27)

Matthew 21:23-27

I'm hung up on Matthew 21:23-27. At first it seems too logical and clever to fit in with the garbled up rest of it. Jesus is Master of Debate here, they come asking him “How you get off going around baptizing people?” and he's like “Suck it dudes, I'm doing the same as John the Baptist”. They couldn't get away with dissing John, ok, but why the hell wouldn't they just say “You ain't no John the Baptist, hotshot.”?

What bothers me though is what they did say. “We don't know”! Whaaat? Since when have those words ever passed out of a priest's or a politician's piehole? These guys know how to save your soul, balance the budget, win the war in Iraq, fix the economy, and find the WMDs, just ask them. It can be obvious to people who have yet to master the potty chair that they don't have a clue, but you won't hear them admit it.

Q: Is the well shut off?

A: … these are approximate dates moving forward of what we can expect now that we’ve submitted in the well from the top in regards to moving ahead with the relief well and cementing the well from the bottom.”

(Thad Allen, on when the BP well will be shut off. He actually said that. In a press briefing. With a straight face.)

That's how a bureaucrat says “I don't have any fucking idea”. If this Matthew guy expects me to buy this “gospel” of his, he'd better start keeping it real.

Jesus, Asshole (Matt 21)

Oh shit, here's a test finding that our idea of Jesus is just projection. What's that say about me, cuz I'm making him out to be a colossal asshole. Here in Matthew 21 he's stealing livestock (1-11), then he vandalizes a temple (12-17), then he curses a fig tree (18-22). The guy has a rap sheet a mile long.

Growing up, I knew about him wrecking the temple, but I never followed his example and trashed the Church, even if I did steal some of their wine. Jesus stole donkeys. If he'd been in the Old West he'd've been hung on an old oak tree instead of a crucifix. A couple of things bother me about this story. One, how the hell did he pull this off:

7 They brought the donkey and the colt, placed their cloaks on them, and Jesus sat on them.

He didn't sit on just the donkey, or the colt, he sat on both of them. What the hell? 

 

Second, donkeys don't have colts—a baby donkey is a foal. You'd think the people who wrote this book would know that, at least. Even the KJV says colt, I checked, so what the hell again?

I'm not the only one who thinks Jesus was an asshole, it's a meme! See, look, 

there's even a slideshow, and it's funny as hell. Way better than the bible. 


Just for squees, here's a video of a foal. 

Everybody Knows Shit

WTF's with the Ten Commandments?

Everybody knows the Ten Commandments^TM, my dog knows the Ten Commandments^{TM .} They're Christianity 101.
Just ask Judge Roy “Fuck-the-Law” Moore. He'll tell you all Ten of the Commands he thinks our laws are from, put up a 3 ton granite slab, and show you them right there in the Bible: Exodus 20:2-17.

Trouble is, those aren't the Ten Commandments.

The only “Ten Commandments” in the Bible are in Exodus 34:12-26.

Now, I'm reading Matthew, and I find out there's a third version.

1 do not murder
2 do not adulter
3 do not steal
4 do not lie
5 honor your parents
6 love your neighbor as yourself
7 sell your possessions and give to the poor

???
 Why isn't there even one fundamentalist church out there that goes by Mathew's Seven Commandments? They could swear, work on Sunday and covet. Where's the downside?

With all these different versions floating around, I'd expect headlines like

Church of Exodus 34 burned by rioting mob of Exodus Twentiers

----or----

Couple Killed for Blasphemous Kid-Seething

Instead, 38,000 sects of Christians (plus Jewish, Moslem, and Weirdo ones) all agree on the same random, unsupported interpretation of this one thing. How is that possible? Are aliens out there, beaming down invisible Dogma-rays?

• The Bible says X, but somehow everybody just KNOWS that the bible says Y.
• The Bible says Exodus 34 is the Ten Commandments, but somehow everybody just KNOWS that Exodus 20 is.
• There's all these different versions, but somehow everybody just KNOWS which one is right. How?

When people don't agree on what it says, that makes sense, cuz really, fortune cookies are less vague. This is way stranger though, because here everybody does agree, and they agree that it says something that it doesn't say! 
 

What “everybody knows” about the Ten Commandments doesn't come from the Bible, so where does it come from?
Something very strange is going on here.

Christians vs Apes (Matt.20)

Matthew chapter 20

There's a ton of research showing that animals have a sense of fairness. Some of the experiments make monkeys work harder for less rewards than other monkeys, and when they see they're getting stiffed, they go all fuck you and won't cooperate any more. 

Not just monkeys either, dogs, elephants, dolphins, even people (well, some of them) and rats; they all have some inborn sense of justice. Remember that when you read the Bible, especially when you get to the 

Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard  
(Matt 20:1-16).

In this story, a boss pays the same whether you slaved your ass off in the hot sun all day, or just worked for an hour. Basically the same deal as the monkeys, some people got bigger rewards per effort. Does Jesus tell this story to illustrate how you should treat people fairly? Not hardly, all he says is 'the first shall be last', which ungarbled from Prophetese means god'll do whatever, whether you deserve it or not. The koran says that too, about every other page.

Abramists are fine with that. You never hear one interpret this to mean “that boss is an asshole, don't be like him”, the way us atheists with no morals do.

We know from the experiments that monkeys have enough sense to give a big fat 'fuck you' to that boss, and a minute on Google will show that religious fanatics don't.

 

Do Christians have as much sense as monkeys?

Obviously not.

Empirically proven.

Here's the thing. God made all these creatures and gave them an innate sense of justice. Then he sends his minion down to teach them how to act, and the minion says to ignore their innate god-given sense of right and wrong. To not be the way god made them.

Either

their god didn't know what he was doing when he made us, and needs Jesus to correct his mistake,

or

their god demands that we go against our instincts, that he gave us, which makes him a prick.

Either way, their god looks like a fuckup. 

It's in the Bible, folks.  

Transmogrification (mat. 17)

Matthew 17

Whoa, man, this is really heavy. J and his peeps go up on a mountain, and he starts to glow, man. His clothes go all white and groovy looking and sunbeams come out of him. And then people just appear out of nowhere, man, and voices come outta the sky, it's like far out, man.  

This actually happened. It sounds impossible, but I'm here to tell you there is absolutely no reason to doubt it, as I have seen this with my own eyes. Of course, I took a double tab of Liquid Sunshine a little earlier.

When they're coming back Jesus tells them to keep all this on the down low till after he comes back from the dead. We used to get paranoid like that too, worrying about getting busted. I guess J figured the pigs don't hassle zombies. Anyhow the groupies are all , “Hey, wait a minute, man, Elijah is supposed to come first”, and J weasels out by saying John the Baptist was Elijah, and the dumb shits fall for it. Damn, Jesus is Humpty-dumpty!

Jesus-English Dictionary

yeast noun 16:12

1: Teachings; doctrine
John the Baptist noun 17:13
1: Elijah
Son of Man noun

1: Me

Gabbledy Gabitle Boo phrase

1: profound shit; words of wisdom

At v19 J pulls the classic con, blaming everything on the mark. You can't do something? It's because you aren't good enough. You can't move mountains? That's not because it's impossible, it's because you don't have faith. It's another entry for our Jesus-English dictionary:

Faith noun
1: ability to do the impossible; magic

Nobody's ever been able to play tiddly winks with mountains, so nobody's ever had any faith magic, duhhhh, but people have been falling for this line ever since. Mr. Cult Leader puts it right to work (17:24-27). To get out of paying his taxes, he tells his peep to go catch a fish, which will have money in its mouth so he can pay both their taxes. (!!)

Curiously enough, the story just ends there. There is no verse 28 telling if this prediction came true. A normal person would say 'WTF that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard go pay your own damn taxes', but this is Peter, alias Brainwashed¹², Leader of the Pack^{(vroom, vroom)}.

I set my research team to work and we recovered the missing verses. You can see why they left them out.

According to Jesus, his peeps don't have to obey the law, just like he said back in 12:6. This reminds me of Crackergate, because back then I got into a into it, with a Catholic Priest no less, and managed to back him into a corner, (it was like tying knots in eels) and he flat out said that Catholics do not need to obey the law.
He admitted the crackergaters were guilty of a crime, assault at least, but that didn't matter, because y'unnderstand, God's laws abrogate human laws, so beating the shit out of people? A-OK. All his catlick congregation backed him to the hilt too.

That's some scary shit. People think Christstains are different than the Scary Muslims^TM—wrong. They're just two cheeks of the same ass.

Matt16: Beware of Yeast.

“The Pharisees and Sadducees came”, and already my dirty mind is off the rails; is that spelled wrong? shouldn't it be “seducees?” Seduce, seducer, seducee, yeah, but then what's Pharise? Some weird kink they used to do back in the day? Maybe I don't wanna know.

Anyhow, these perverts came to (up to?) (on to?) to Jesus, and asked for a sign, and the author here loses his readers in a major WTF? Dude's been campaigning all over the country, kissing babies, curing cancer (well, demons), even raising people from the dead fer chrissakes, and here they are still asking for a sign? What the hell do they need, anyway? I don't blame Jesus for getting all snitty with them and stomping off(16:1-4).

Next Jesus says “Look out for yeast!” His cult are all “wait, what?” and J bitches them out, calls them stoopid for not knowing he meant the teachings of the Pharisees (16:5-12). Seems clear to me: first thing I think of when I hear the word “yeast” is “gobbledy religious doctrine”. No matter how much of that stuff I put in, I can never get my bread to rise though. (no, that pic is not me)

This is a weird story, Jesus stretching another metaphor till it confesses everything it knows and starts making things up. But In Context^TM it makes sense. He disses his followers for his own shortcomings, typical behavior for an abuser who wants to foster a sick relationship. So it's not weird at all, really.

Jesus is a man in search of himself. He wants to know who he is. Apparently, word on the street is that he might be Elijah or Jeremiah or somebody. It's a pretty good bet he ain't John the Baptist, look: head, body, no platter in between: he ain't Johnny. The only other choice the book gives is “one of the prophets”, which got me wondering who made the top 40 back in Jesus-Year 0.

At least 6 other gods died and were resurrected prior to Jesus:

Horus c. 3000 BCE
Osiris c. 3000 BCE
Attis of Phrygia c.1400 BCE
Krishna c. 1400 BCE (possibly as early as 5771 BCE)
Mithra of Persia c. 600 BCE
Dionysus c. 186 BCE

------From Forever in Hell

Jesus is looking for a brand, he asks Peter “What's my image?” Petey-boy says he's the Christ, and Jesus washes out his mouth for swearing. Ha ha, just kidding. 'Christ' wasn't a mouthwash word in those days, it was the slangy way to say “You da man, boss”. Remember (11:11), up till now nobody was greater than John the Baptist, but Jesus swallows Peter's line. And hook. And sinker. “Yeah, you said it dude, that's me all right.”

This sounds like a big change in our boy. He's mentioned stuff like this before, like in 12:40, he was saying he was gonna die and get resurrected after three days. How crazy is that? I was all baffled and just ignored it, picture an embarrassed silence, groupies shuffling their feet, looking down, out the window, hey look over there! But it makes sense if he was referring to those legends floating around about Mithra and Co. coming to save the world. He's finally jumped the shark and decided he really is one of them.

16:21 From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go …

See, see what'd I tell ya? Must go do all those things Messaihs have to do, like get killed, rise from the dead, all that stuff (16:21-22). Peter takes him off in the corner and tries to warn him, “Whoa, buddy, yer talking crazy here” but Jesus ain't having none of it, he pulls rank: “GTFO dude, I'm fucken GOD, and you're the mutherfucken devil if you don't buy in. So piss off. (16:23).”

Remember he said he was gonna come while they were out going door to door? Now he says it again, this time he'll be coming in his kingdom when he comes, he'll be coming in his kingdom when he comes, he'll be coming in his kingdom, he'll be coming in his kingdom, he'll be coming in his kingdom when he comes. La, la la.

The guy's nuts.

Matthew 14-15

John the Baptist was running an illegal numbers racket out of his cave in the desert. The Legions got wind of it and he ended up doing hard time in the joint. Word came down to Jesus …

That's how you set up a scene. You don't do like this stupid author and say “when Jesus heard John was in prison”(4:7)  and leave your reader wondering what the hell you're talking about. That was on page seven, thirteen chapters ago, now we find out? Great literature my arse; my English teacher would've sent me back a grade for writing like this.

3Now Herod had arrested John and bound him and put him in prison because of Herodias, his brother Philip's wife,

After her ghost rose up out of the grave with a red marker and diagrammed that sentence, I figure Philip is Herod's brother, not John's.  Shee-it.


After botching this story, Jesus feeds the five thousand (14:13-18). then he feeds the four thousand (15:29-39). Then he feeds the three thousand, and the two thousand, and the really big bunch, but I guess telling the exact same story twice is enough. 

As Chapter fifteen starts out, we find that Jesus' crew was a bunch of slobs, didn't wash before mealtimes. This pissed people off because, well, Ewww, but also it was tradition, was in the bible, or the proto-bible, or whatever.  So they called him on it, and as usual Jesus gives them some gibberish answer.  Near as I can figure 

2 Pharasees: Why do you break the laws?
3 Jesus: neener neener. Why do you break the laws? 
4 the book says honor your parents, or get killed, but you say 
5 to give offerings to god 
6 instead of honoring them.  
7 Fucking hypocrites.” 

IOW, you're breaking the law, so that makes it ok for me to break the law.  Wtf? My kids used to pull that shit all the time, but they were  FIVE YEARS OLD.  This Jesus guy is turning out to be a real disappointment. 
For one thing, back on page (5:17) he said to obey all those old laws he's thumbing his nose at now. For two, hypocrites, pots, kettles.  

In 15:16 he calls his apostles dumb again, and then in 21-28 he wasn't going to help a lady because she wasn't Jewish(!), even says non-Jews are dogs.   (It's hard to keep stright, bible says non-jews are dogs, koran says jews are apes and pigs; me, I wanna be a Ring-tailed Lemur.)

Earlier, all the talk about the scary muslims^TM  made me want to see what their book said, so I slogged and blogged thru that, and it was educational. Muslims are crazier than I thought! About as crazy as people who follow the Old Testament, and there's not enough sin in hell to get me to read that POS.

Everybody says yeah, the OT is harsh, but the New Testament is all about Jesus and his message of flowers and love.  Color me doubtful, (a shade of puce) but back when I was dying of cancer (I got better) there were New Testaments cluttering up the hospitals like some kind of perverted dust bunnies, so when people said “you did all that with the Koran and you haven't even read your own book” I stole one, thought I'd call their bluff.   Jesus turning out to be a colossal dickwad was not what I expected. 


Side note: I once read the entire Book of Mormon. [*word of advice? don't] Missionaries kept throwing down, "well, if you'd read it blablabla", so I fucken did. Then next time they pulled that I told 'em, "I have read it, sucker. I read it last weekend", and they STFU said "well you didn't read it slowly enough..." So I killed them and buried them in the back yard. Nothing ever grew there again.

Matthew 13

Ok I get this. I noticed it with mohammed too. To be believable as a Holyguy^TM evidently, you have to find some prophecies, do what they say, then go around trumpeting how you made the prophecy come true and you should get money, blow jobs, etc. In this one Jesus even admits what he's doing.

The apostles ask him why he talks in riddles, and he gives some gibberish answer, basically “them that has, gets; them that don't, suck it.” which totally makes him a dick.

Actually, in context it's worse than that; here's Matthew13:10-16.

10 the groupies ask Jesus why he always talks in parables.
11 He says "I don't tell them the shit I tell you.
12 “them that has, gets; them that don't, suck it.”
13 I talk in riddles so they won't understand, so I fulfill
14 Isaiah's prophecy: he said they wouldn't:
15 (also, that he'd only heal people that do).
16 UR better'n them because I only told you this shit.

 So let's get this straight. Isaiah was a jerk who'd withhold medical care from people, but we'll ignore that and like, give a shit what he said. We'll act like it was some big prediction, instead of just whining about how misunderstood he was. You wanna fulfill his “prophecy” (whooo) by putting yourself in the category of {people who say shit that don't make sense}. O-kaaay.

Your groupies are too goddam dumb to ask why you wanna do that, even when you flat out tell them it's just a con to make them the Chosen Few^TM so they can feel all superior. Also too goddam dumb to see the only difference here is between people you told shit to and people you didn't.

If he just talk in plain English (or Greek or Aramaic) people'd understand him, he wouldn't fulfill anything, wouldn't be any more special than you or me, and we could avoid this whole mess. Or likewise, we could if his followers were less gullible than a three-year-old.

Here I go:

“The snork shall meemble a bralbit”. 

There. Nobody understands that, so I fulfilled Isaiah's prophecy, so that makes me an official Holyguy^TM, so you should care what I say: what I meant was 'send money', so now a Holydude has told you what it meant, so now you understand, so you are all special and bettern'n everyone else, so go jihad everybody, after you use Paypal.

How'm I doing?

Matthew 11-12

John the Baptist and jesus grease each others's dicks in this chapter, and J says

11¹¹I tell you the truth: Among those born of women there has not risen anyone greater than John the Baptist;

 Ain't that a kicker, JtB is hotter shit than jesus. Who knew? Never heard anybody say "John the Baptist is my Lord and Personal Savior" though.


Jesus bitches how kids these days ain't worth a shit (11:16-17) ...


and how people didn't appreciate his miracles and they'll all go to hell ...


then power goes to his head, and he says this

^11:27"All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him."

You seem to think you don't have a mother, you conceited little shit, but that right there is a fine fucking foundation for fundamentalism. Rave on, Rabbi ...

 ^12:6I tell you that one greater than the temple is here.

ooh, ain't we just humble'n holy hell, here? He gets really wound up, says 'he who is not with me is against me' (12:30), like a good little fear monger should. He doesn't start calling people terrorists, but he says anybody who speaks against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven. 

Really? Not never ever? That's harsh from the guy who's supposed to be all about turning the other cheek and loving his enemies, no pun intended. Priorities, man--genocide, rape and torture first: then saying mean things about Caspar.
This Jesus guy is turning out to be pretty much of a dick. Could it be Sister Dominatrice lied to me all those years?  Oh right, yes.
  
He keeps on yelling at the kids, with some weird stuff about evil spirits and the Queen of the South will rise again. Evidently the Doonhamers are gonna kick ass on judgment day.  I just wrote WTF? in the margin here.


Then,

 12⁴⁷Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."

  and Mr. Love and Brotherhood says "fuck them, my homies are my family." Wasn't there something about that in those old laws he came to fulfill? Oh yeah, 'honor thy parents'. This guy isn't just a dick, he's a sinner! To hell with him! (so to speak)

Seriously, all my life I've heard about this character and how great and loving and peaceable he was. All I can say is, the trailer's better'n the movie.

Matthew 10

Holy crap, what's going on here? Jesus is supposed to be some kind of dirty hippy peacenik I heard, but this chapter sounds like he's channeling Julius Striecher or Fred Phelps.

He starts out by giving all his top groupies (there's 12 of them) the authority to cure everybody, even dead people. WTF?  "I hereby authorize you to go try to do stuff you can't do." Sounds like a recipe for getting your ass kicked. Tar and feathers coming up?

The KJV has a +Power die roll, instead of + Authority. That'd make a better story but, 13 ppl going around raising the dead? I think that would attract some attention.

Then he gets ugly. He orders them to go out recruiting (cult flag!)  and makes threats against ppl who don't welcome them. 10:15 It'll be worse for you than Sodom and Gomorrah on Judgment day. "Threat? What threat?" Why does this remind me of a certain muslim website? or the catholic league?

He says everyone will hate them. Well yeah, they go around promising shit they can't deliver, duhh.  And the clincher:

v34 I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.

Mein Kampf, baby! He follows this up with a long rant about how he's gonna make everyone hate each other, also how you suck unless you (cult flag!) love him more than your own kids.  Prince of Peace my arse.

And then he goes and pisses me off, again.

v31 "You are worth more than many sparrows"

You know what? Sparrows don't come knocking on my door to push weird religious cult on me, or take my money, or tell me I'll burn in hell, or criticize my sex life. Never heard of  a sparrow killing anybody, or raping them, or even issuing death threats. Sparrows don't start wars or ruin the Gulf of Mexico or fuck up the atmosphere.  Between Prophets and sparrows, I'll take the sparrow, no contest.
Jesus, you're a dick.

Matthew 9:32-33

 ³²While they were going out, a man who was demon-possessed and could not talk was brought to Jesus. ³³And when the demon was driven out, the man who had been mute spoke. ..."

He keeps talking about evil demons possessing people [why aren't there any good demons?], and this one stuck out because they made the guys dumb. I was all "whoa, waitaminnit" I've had professors that were dumb [not that way: these guys were hotshot PhDs, they just didn't talk--our classes were in sign language.]

There's a lot of reasons somebody couldn't talk, but trust me, demons ain't one of them. People say this Jesus dude is God, so he oughta know that.
OOOh, what's that sound? It's a lot of christstains saying these oldtime assmen** didn't know about germs and diseases so this is the only way that would make sense to them.

**cattlemen, horsemen ... these guys raise donkeys. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Ok, I'll cut him some slack there, it can't be easy being a Messiah, just ask Obama. Trouble is, he doesn't say how exactly to cast out demons. I'm supposed to believe he was God, but he was too dumb to foresee what would happen? There's no shortage of fanatics to come fill in the details, and then we get shit like:

 Africa's witch children

[the link doesn't work. It's been removed, but you can google it and find all sorts of stomach-churning crap.]

The image burned into my brains is a beautiful little girl, looks about eleven, who can't talk, just sits there drooling on herself while the other kids go to classes, because her fucking PARENTS drove a railroad spike INTO HER SKULL to chase out demons.

All because of, besides the Bible, a shitstain called Helen Ukpabio, who,  I , she, i don't,,,, she was in Houston Texas! fucking  PREACHING!!!
Oh god, I went looking for the videos and found OMFG this, a video made by the shitstain itself.  You'd  laugh hysterically at this and munch popcorn if you didn't know there are people who actually take it serious. I'm just fucking speechless...

Matthew 8-9

Jesus keeps going around "touching" people.  Why, I dunno, since he heals some of them without "touching", and I've just got  dirty mind, but when I read about him 'laying his hands on' people, I can't help thinking: he was kinda the first Catholic priest, right?

What else does this book tell us about its main character?  Well, he doesn't think you should bury dead people. 

²¹Another disciple said to him, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father."
 ²²But Jesus told him, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead."

That's pretty heartless, and besides, old corpses laying all over, Ewww.
He seems to hate pigs, and he does what demons ask.

³¹The demons begged Jesus, "If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs."
 ³²He said to them, "Go!" So they came out and went into the pigs, and the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and died in the water.

Oh, he's really Hawt, other guys follow him like hound dogs.

⁹As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector's booth. "Follow me," he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.

Eat your heart out, Scarlett Johansson, tax collectors'll only tell you to meet them after work.
Also BTW, is Matthew Horndog here the same guy who wrote this book? Doesn't sound like it.

Finally, when somebody asked him why his d00ds weren't fasting, he babbled three verses about bridegrooms and wineskins and never did answer the question. So we know two more things about Jesus. He won't give a straight answer, and he sucks at metaphors.

Matthew 5-7

We're up to the Beatles, err, Beatitudes. So far it's just an intro, now we get to hear what this Jesus guy had to say.

A lot of cliches: salt of the earth (5:13), city on a hill (14), turn the other cheek (38), pray in private (6:2-6), planks in ur eye (7:3), know tree by fruit (7:16).  Mostly he seems like a  nice guy, if a little naïve, saying things like “the meek shall inherit the earth**.

There's funny parts. The lust-in-your-heart quote, how it's better to lose part of your body than go to hell (5:28-30):

Chop off your dick! 

Scoop out your brain!

He says never swear on the bible (5:33). Tell it to the judge, lol. Reminds me of the lady who refused to swear in as a witness, because she was a good christian and didn't use foul language. That's a true story.

Then 6:7 says don't “babble like pagans” when you pray (KJV “vain repetitions”)—then turns around and gives you the words to the lord's prayer. WTF? That isn't babbling?
Catholic childhood: confess sins, get penance (=say X Hail Mary's and Y Our Fathers),—estimate how long that would take, daydream for that long, get up and leave, mission accomplished.  No babbling.
 

There are deep theosophical questions too. He doesn't come to abolish the Law or the Prophets, but to fulfill them(5:17). ???Uhhh, how do you fulfill a Prophet?
This makes no sense, and get your mind out of the gutter. You could fulfill a Law, I guess, by obeying it, so he's saying all those Old Testament laws still apply, we should stone people to death, keep wool and linen separate.

Or maybe not. Other people with too much time on their hands have studied this. It means: First decide if the Law agrees with whatever atheists say: if it doesn't, shitcan it; if it does, follow it and accuse atheists of not having it.

5:22 says you'll go to hell if you call somebody a fool. Well the Old Testament, that's God talking right? and he calls people fools in Ps. 14:1, Prov. 10:18, Prov. 15:5, Prov. 18:4-7, Lk. 12:20, Prov. 28:26. See ya in Hell, god.

Not only that, even Matthew says somebody is like a fool (7:27). Being like a fool is not the same as being a fool, so that's ok maybe? Where's the cutoff point? 90%? 80%? 0.02%?

As preachers go this this Jesus character isn't bad, but he crashes and burns when he says no divorce ever (5:32), for anything except adultery. Fuck that. How about for beating the shit out of you? No problem with that, preacherman? 

Finally, it's a pretty lame-ass prophet who couldn't foresee the consequences of an idiotic remark like this one:

Matthew 4

Transitions are your friends. This Matthew guy, if that's who's writing this book, needs to meet some. Here's what happens after the baptism:

Jesus follows the Spirit out in the boondocks. 

He follows Satan around, tells him to piss off. 

 He hears John is in prison.

He goes to Galilee. 

He starts preaching.

He rounds up a bunch of followers.

Pretty disjointed, yeah. 

This Jesus guy has magical mind control powers (along with the GPS star and heaven opening up for commercial breaks). He goes up to a bunch of fishermen who're busy working, and says "Follow me". They don't say "Fuck off asshole, we're busy" they just walk off the job and go with him.  Whoa.
Scarlett Johansson might be able to pull that off, but, ... oh ho, maybe it's not magical mind control, maybe, he's ... ohhh, I'm not going there.

Anyway, he's some kind of doctor too, cause he goes all over healing people, and pretty soon people come from miles around to hear him play to see him cure epilepsy and paralysis and demon-possession. Wait, What, demons?  Oh right, fantasy story, ok.