Koranic Sign Language

Hallelujah, brother. The Quran talks about Jesus for twenty or thirty lines starting at 3:33. Line 55 says he died a natural death, and he didn't rise from the dead neither, so suck it, Christians. Nyah nyah. Mo got a lot of his stuff from old Jewish stories, like the Gospel of James, cuz how was he gonna know which books would get included in the bible later? It's not like he's some kind of prophet who could tell the future. Oh, wait.

Anyhow, the Infancy Gospel of Thomas tells how the baby Jesus, when he was just a little boy, 'bout up to his daddy's knee, he breathed into some clay birds and made them come to life. Who could doubt that? I knew muslims believe in the bible, so I Wikipedia'd Islam's holy books (yeah I'm lazy), and they mention a bunch of other books I've never heard of, but not these ones.

This chapter is called 'the family of Imran'. He was the father of Moses, but line 35 says his wife was Mary's mother. I ran my laser eyes over this whole same story back in chapter 19, and I didn't even notice this, but if these are the same people somebody'd have to be 1400 years old. Y'see how observant I am? It's controversial. I don't care.

Here's something else to not care about. Zacharaiah was Mary's gaurdian, and he asked the Lard for a sign, and the Lard agreed to send him a sign, and guess what it was? Split the heavens? Nah. Sprout a beer volcano? Nah. Get this, are you ready? His Powerfulness tells old Zach what

3:41. ... "The token will be," was the reply, "that you will speak to no man for three days except by signs.

LMFAO! Talk about cheap-ass Dollar Store omens, his crappy token was an order to keep his mouth shut. Lazy slacker Lord couldn't even be bothered to get up off his godly ass and strike him dumb even, he had to do it himself. So wtf, talking in sign is a token from the lawrd? LOL, I've gone for weeks at a time doing that, and nobody ever got pregnant. Hell, I know deaf people who spend their whole life talking in sign. They'd be popping out babies like a popcorn machine!

Naturally I looked for the koran in sign language, and I had a helluva time finding it. The Islamic Research Academy says you can't translate the Koran into sign, so I guess that means all my deaf friends will go burn in hell, and they're fine with that. FUCK YOU Islamic Research Academy. I managed to find the first sura in British SL, but I can't view it. I never noticed it before, but the BSL sign for the letter Y looks like an ASL word for clitting off, LOL. Thought I'd share.

Back to being dignified, here's a prayer in Saudi Sign Language. 

It's from the SignWriting website, which is nerdy fun.

Finally, I found somebody signing the koran! Hooray! It's Arabic SL, so I can't understand what he's saying, but it looks pretty cool anyway. Turn the sound off to watch it; those cats mating in the background are really distracting.

I'm Halal!

There's this search engine that filters out sites that are Haram (forbidden).  Is that me?  Nope, I'm fucken Halal, ain't that the shits? I felt pretty smug till I found out Pichunter is  Halal, too. So is Cliphunter, but Youporn had a Haram level of 3 out of 3, so I beat them at least. What the hell, are Muslims spozed to watch pornography but only certain types? I'll have to watch for mentions of this in upcoming chapters.
(*ROFL; the youtube video 'Fuck Islam' is Halal.)
(**p.s. "Ham Recipes" is Halal, too. ROFLMAO.  Immaturity, ai haz it.)

Here's my film rating

from here.

 This site tests my readibility. It gave me a 12, which puts me up there between the Times and Wall Street Journal.  WHOOO, I'm highbrow!  Uhh, not so much, it's an 8th grade reading level.

Somewhere, there's a website that rates blogs by how much profanity they use. I think I remember getting a high score on that, I wish I could find it again.

Abrogoricals

Chapter 3, line 7, some verses are allegorical. Huh????

3:7 He has sent down this Book which contains some verses that are categorical and basic to the Book, and others allegorical ...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. JUST HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. Some are allegorical? 

Jesus Christ, it wasn't bad enough that some of them are abrogated, and you don't know which ones, or know what they might be replaced by, now I find out that even if I get lucky and guess the right one, it still might be just an allegory?

Yup. That's right. See?

... But those who are twisted of mind look for verses metaphorical, seeking deviation and giving to them interpretations of their own;

The shit? My twisted mind is looking for the ones that aren't motherfucking metaphors, AND YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME, you fucker. So I might should do what it says, because I'll burn in hell if I don't, unless it's abrogated, or an allergy. Well what are they allergories FOR? No one knows, only god. See, it says flat out

... but none knows their meaning except God;

FFS, how much more clear can you make it? Some of your instructions DON'T MEAN A GODDAM THING, and there's NO WAY TO TELL IF THEY DO OR NOT. Sorry to shout, but Christ on a rubber crutch, did you sit around brainstorming ways to make this book totally fucking useless? You couldn't have done better.

Way I see it you got five possibilities here, so old Allah's giving you a 20% chance of doing what he wants, no matter what you do. Shit, sheer random chance gives you 50-50 odds. Just do whatever the fuck you want and you'll have a better chance of getting to heaven than this Koran shit gives you. You'll improve the odds by 30% and eat bacon while you're at it. Jeezuz!

Happy HallowEid

Yesterday was Halloween. Did the usual: went to see a child molester in fancy robes with arcane symbols, who performed obscure rites to invoke denizens of the other world, and compelled them to unleash their powers to magically transform our dinner into the flesh and blood of a real corpse, which we then cannibalized, all the while engaging in masochistic rituals of patellar abuse. It was fun.

For some reason, though, the Christians say it's Eeeeevil!!! As usual I wondered what the Holy Book® said about it, so I went to Islamweb to get the Islamic Perspective. Hilarity ensued.

This is a serious matter and one not to be taken lightly, sez Mr Unidentifed, and a continuous war must be waged against all customs and practices which originate from societies' ignorance
Yes, it's war. War, I tell you, against the customary use of the possessive 's. And why is that? It's because

Islam has strongly forbidden Muslims from following the religious or social customs of the non-Muslims, especially those of the idol-worshippers or those who worship the devil.
There you have it. Proper spelling is devil-worship. Doa'nt doo et evvur..

Halloween is one of the worst celebrations due to its origins and history. It is Haraam (forbidden) to partake in such a practice, even if there may be some seemingly good or harmless elements in it, as evidenced by a statement from the Prophet : "Every innovation is misguidance, even if the people regard it as something good." [Ad-Daarimi]
No matter how good it is, any innovation is Haraam. Vaccines? Haraam! Anesthesia? Haraam! Electronics? Haraam! Flush toilets? Haraam! You're just imitating the infidels, y'see, and that's—you guessed it—Haraam!

Muslims are enjoined to neither imitate the behaviour and customs of the non-Muslims, nor to commit their indecencies. Behaviour-imitation will affect the attitude of a Muslim and may create a feeling of sympathy and God help us if we ever start having sympathy for one another. A muslim, sez he, should not be a blind imitator. LOL, the irony, it's inside the wire! Don't forget that
Prophet Muhammad said: The Final Hour will not come until my followers imitate the deeds of the previous nations and follow them very closely" [Al-Bukhaari] Which just confused me, because the previous people were pumpkin-carving pagan polytheists, so if we imitate them, which we mustn't do,,,,,Head-KaBloowey!!! He only cites the hadith, never the quran, but whatever it means,

We have established, beyond a doubt, that the celebration of Halloween is absolutely forbidden in Islam - it is Haraam.
And by “we”, he means him, Mr. Notenuf Nads to Namehisself, but hey we get the drift. Haraam!!, right? What to do? What to do?

... leave the front lights off and do not open the door. Educate your neighbours about our Islamic teachings. Inform them in advance that Muslims do not participate in Halloween, and explain the reasons why. (Give them a copy of this article if needed.)

Ah, shit! Now we'll have Moslems pounding on our doors along with Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons. Fortunately, most Muslims seem to think all this is just as silly as I do. What they don't realize is that this whole thing could be actually a terrorist plot. Be afraid amused, be very amused.