I'm God!

So you're at work or somewhere and the boss spouts off with a gem like this,

“If I give an order, nobody has any choice but to obey it.” Rant rant. “I can never do anything wrong.”

what would be your reaction? You'd laugh your ass off, right? And say “Who died and made you god?”and “Sod off, you fucking egomaniac” and shit like that? I wanted to write some [uncontrollable mocking guffaw], but how do you spell that? Something like BWAHAHAHAHAAAA? Because look at this:

[33:36] No believing man or believing woman, if GOD and His messenger issue any command, has any choice regarding that command. Anyone who disobeys GOD and His messenger has gone far astray.

[33:38] The prophet is not committing an error by doing anything that is made lawful by GOD. Such is GOD's system since the early generations. GOD's command is a sacred duty.

Talk about ego. I could see it if he said that about god, but that's not what he's saying. “And his Messenger?” Eat me. Nobody has any choice but to obey his messenger? BWAHAHAHAHHAA.

That's how it always is with prophets. Give them an inch and they take a galaxy.What a dick.

GRAWRRGH!

Some minor crazy from chapter 33

[33:9] O you who believe, remember GOD's blessing upon you; when soldiers attacked you, we sent upon them violent wind and invisible soldiers. GOD is Seer of everything you do.

ROFL. People believe this shit? Invisible soldiers! Were they on invisible bicycles, too? Were they kittehs? Wif big scary teef and clawz? FEERSSS! GRRAOWL!

These aren't the first invisible soldiers we've seen. Well, not 'seen' exactly since they're invisible, and figments of Mohammed's imagination to boot, but heard of. Invisible figments, they get +2 Invisibility. The giggling started back in chapter 8 when he was splitting up the loot from the Battle of Badder, he told his peeps

8:9 Remember ye implored the assistance of your Lord, and He answered you: "I will assist you with a thousand of the angels, ranks on ranks."

Go, Dude! Don't worry, I've got your back. Well, not me really, but some figments. Invisible figments. Lots of them. Like, a thousand. When he mentions it again in the very next chapter there's even more.

3:124. Remember when you said to the faithful: "Is it not sufficient that your Lord should send for your help three thousand angels from the heavens?

3:125. Indeed if you are patient and take heed for yourselves, and the (enemy) come rushing at you suddenly your Lord will send even five thousand angels on chargers sweeping down."

One thousand, three thousand, five thousand, do I hear ten thousand? Lol, it grows with the telling. Poor Allah must be busting his ass up there rewriting his guarded tablet every time somebody retells this story. Let's see, it's been 14 centuries, by now I bet there's a bazillion bazagamillion angels. On chargers. Invisible ponies too.

Don't forget the LOOT!

[33:25] GOD repulsed those who disbelieved with their rage, and they left empty-handed. ...
[33:26] He also brought down their allies among the people of the scripture from their secure positions, and threw terror into their hearts. Some of them you killed, and some you took captive.
[33:27] He made you inherit their land, their homes, their money, and lands you had never stepped on. ...

Bling, Bling. There we go again with the loot. Loot fascinates this guy. Ethics, like whether it's moral to kill people and take them captive and steal all their stuff, not so much. I'm just saying. He's got such a hard-on for booty he wrote—oh excuse me—god revealed to him—a whole chapter on how to divide it up. Here's an idea: use all that money to help the refugees and survivors. You know, the ones you're taking captive and selling for ransom? Those.

[33:72] We have offered the responsibility (freedom of choice) to the heavens and the earth, and the mountains, but they refused to bear it, and were afraid of it. But the human being accepted it; he was transgressing, ignorant.

ROFL. The mountains are afraid! Those scaredy-cat mountains, they never do anything. They just sit there, being all big and stuff. I ain't skeered of no mountains. I'll ride my invisible pony right up on them. GROAAWR!  .

Sloppy Seconds

Chapter 33, did he really say what it looks like he said?

33:37 ... When Zeid was completely through with his wife, we had you marry her, in order to establish the precedent that a man may marry the divorced wife of his adopted son. ...

My first thought was, “Damn, that translation is the suck!”  Translators have a tough job, and you never know how words are going to change a few years down the road, to make you look stupid. My favorite: a famous linguist: “Some words can be either nouns or verbs, but not all; “The word 'fist' can never be used as a verb.”

So I took all my sympathy to the koran browser, and this is what I found. 

[Pickthall]:  ... when Zeyd had performed that necessary formality (of divorce) from her, We gave her unto thee in marriage, so that (henceforth) there may be no sin for believers in respect of wives of their adopted sons, when the latter have performed the necessary formality (of release) from them

So it means divorce, I guess, but why are all these other translators saying shit like this:

[Palmer:]... and when Zaid had fulfilled his desire of her ... and ... adopted sons when they have fulfilled their desire of them:
[Arberry:]  ...So when Zaid had accomplished what he would of her, ... and ... when they have accomplished what they would of them;
[Shakir:]  ... when Zaid had accomplished his want of her, ... and ... their adopted sons, when they have accomplished their want of them;
[Al-Hilali & Khan:]  ... So when Zaid had accomplished his desire from her ... and ... when the latter have no desire to keep them (i.e. they have divorced them) ...

Ahhh, that explains it. “Divorce” is something you do to your “wife” when you don't want it anymore. Now I understand.

Somebody, somewhere, is a fucktard. I dunno if it's the translators, or Mohammed, or maybe it's Allah, but somebody is a fucktard. Maybe it's all the people who take this shit seriously and think its some big profound example of how to think.  Yeah, that's where I'd put my money. 

A Riddle

Quran 3:28 reminds me of a famous riddle.

The answer is,

. . .

3:28 Let not the Believers take for friends or helpers Unbelievers rather than believers: if any do that, in nothing will there be help from God: except by way of precaution, that ye may guard yourselves from them. But God cautions you (To remember) Himself; for the final goal is to God.

Robert Spencer says this line is the basis for taqiya, a.k.a. Lying for Allah. Who What? Well, Islam teaches that it's all right to lie if you're talking to an infidel, and in another flash of the blindingly obscure, they get that from this line. Spencer's one of those perverted, cowardly Islamophobes, but y'know what? It's true. Here's a video with important people telling about it; they're boring, that's how you know they're important, but skip to 3:47 where an ex-terrorist tells how he used to do it. They lie like rugs, srsly.

So here's the riddle: You want to know if Islam is a religion of peace. There are two muslims, who can tell you. You don't know which one is a truth teller and which one is practicing taqiya ...