Eat Pussy (Matt 22:1-14)

Matthew 22:1-14

It's weird reading the bible. It's not new, not like I haven't been hearing these stories all my life. At least, I thought. 

Growing up was, “The bible has a story about a wedding banquet. It illustrates how … something … bad people don't get into heaven, so eat your broccoli.” Or whatever. Now though, I'm paying attention, and what I see is:

some king has a wedding and
throws some guy out for
not wearing the right clothes.

Wow, that's harsh. Jesus says heaven is like this king, though, so I guess you can't get in with jeans and a t-shirt. If you have to wear a tux who wants to go there, and besides, this king is a real creep who burned an entire city just to revenge some murders. Even the LAPD doesn't do that.
The whole thing sucks. If I'd known what it really says I'd never have eaten that broccoli.

They always quote that last line:

“Many are called but few are chosen”

See, I didn't even have to google it, it's embedded in my brain like some smiley faced cancer. What it means, though, that's ... mmm ... my fingers freeze on the keyboard ... the parrots in my memory shutup ... I feel myself bathed in a cold light of clarity, and I realize,

That doesn't have a damn thing to do with this story!

It says invite anyone you find. Everybody was chosen, not just a few. That line should read “Everyone is called and everyone is chosen, then a few are unchosen, if they can't afford sharp threads.”

Oh wait, it's a parable. You have to interpret it.[ya see the sarcasm in those letters? totes sarcasm]

This guy says the king provided clothes and the T-shirt guy snubbed him. Sez “it's evident.” Ha! What's evident to me is that the story doesn't say that.

This one says “one must know the eastern customs”. Uhhh, which one? Why? How many thousands of different cultures must I know? How far east? Is Utah far enough? 
Some pretty strange customs there.

Wikipedia says that's not likely right anyway, Augustine says the garment is love, Martin Luther says it's Christ, this yahoo says it's Jesus's teachings, sez “we have to say that”.
LOL, I don't gotta say that. I can say this;

Five different d00ds I just googled up, all telling me five different things. That makes five different religions. Whooo-hooo, sects for everybody!

None of these Christians say what the bible says (you need to dress up to get to heaven). That means  

Christianity is not based on the Bible.  

It's based on what some wanker says is in the bible.

Here's what I say is in the Bible. Eat Pussy. Eat lots of pussy, at every opportunity your woman gives you. The better job you do the better your chance at heaven. Because, you know, the goddess only chooses those who satisfy her.