The Parable of the Talents is an unashamed plug for investment banking. Christians always say it means something else. Why? Who the fuck knows. I went to Bread Upon the Waters Ministry to find out.
This is one of the best known of Jesus' Parables. It is also well known, in an elementary way, what the meaning is: We are supposed to use our talents in the Lord's service.
Well, we don't pay with talents anymore, but most places accept dollars.
But there is a major point in this Parable that is often misunderstood.
The major point is in how we define the word, "talent".
Well that's easy, we look in the dictionary. A talent was a bunch of money. They used the British plan back then, a pound of Pounds, a talent of Talents, either way, it's a lot of moola.
And when Christians think of using their "talents" in the Lord's service, they are usually thinking of using their natural aptitudes. Unfortunately, that is not what Jesus was referring to.
No shit. It didn't start meaning that for another 14 centuries.
Let us take a look at the context of the giving of the "Talents", in Matthew 25:14-15
No, no, no. Dictionary. Let us take a look at the dictionary.
14. For the kingdom of heaven is as a man traveling into a far country,
this Parable about something that happens in the kingdom of heaven.
FAIL. Do you speak English? “is as” it says. It's an analogy. People were not burying money in Heaven. How could they? Can you dig holes in clouds? Also, how many angels does it take to dig a hole in a cloud?
Let's set aside these interesting theological questions. Reading Comprehension, grade F. Next subject, Logic:
The people to whom the Talents were given were all the master's servants. There were no strangers involved. Therefore, we conclude that true "Talents" are given only to Christians.
What? We … what?
All T to S
Therefore, all T to C
WTF? Logic, Grade F-. he goes on like that, only worse, and comes up with two more conditions for these talents that he still hasn't looked up.
There is only one thing in the Bible that fulfills these conditions.
Because nothing exists that isn't in the Bible. This computer you're using? Doesn't exist. Dictionaries? Don't exist.
So, yet again, what are they? Gifts of the Holy Spirit!!!
LULZ! Definitions are gifts of the holy spirit too. The Holy Spirit of Google bestows one on you every time you do this.
Contrary to what many Christians believe, natural aptitudes are not Gifts of the Holy Spirit!!!
LOL! So what, neither are Sybians. We're we're not talking about them or Gifts of the … mmm, come to think of it, they might be the same thing. Money! We're talking about money.
He quotes Ephesians and Corinthians, instead of Funk and Wagnalls, and he decides the “Gifts” are teachers and prophets, WTF?
Now that we know Google doesn't exist, or dictionaries, and that talents were gifts from Casper, he makes my eyes bleed with another 5000 words about how to use those gifts (not the Sybian, that's a fuck of a** lot more interesting).
**worst pun this year
He also editorializes: theatre is evil so don't be a actress or actor, you gotta be at least 30 years old, a whole section on how music will lead you astray, and another called“Be Careful About Being A Prophet!” Good advice.
This sentence remains inscrutable, downright Delphic. What could it mean?
You might find out some day that … That nobody that everyone in the Church really looks down on might get the Seal of the Living God, when even that wonderful pastor of yours that you loved so much doesn’t.
Everybody has an agenda. The gays have one, to force us all to gaymarry and have ickysex with panda bears. He has one too, and he spills the beans about it.
If the Born Again Christians of our day had the kind of unity and commitment that the Early Christians had, we could take over the world … We would be able to dictate the actions of governments
Nice to be all upfront about it. But
we must turn our backs completely on the world.
Isn't that kind of hard to do when you're taking it over? That's some diabolical strategy there. Or something. Far far too late, he sums up;
Just remember this: If you do have a real "talent", a real service gift, you must develop it and use it for the Lord’s service. … If you have a "talent" and you don’t use it, like the servant in the Parable, you may very well lose everything – eternally.
So in 5000+ words he's said call them “service gifts”, not natural aptitudes. Also, never Google. Now I'm pissed off, and considerably older. Those minutes will never come back, but now I know why Christians say this parable is not about money: it's because they're fuckwits.