Transmogrification (mat. 17)

Matthew 17

Whoa, man, this is really heavy. J and his peeps go up on a mountain, and he starts to glow, man. His clothes go all white and groovy looking and sunbeams come out of him. And then people just appear out of nowhere, man, and voices come outta the sky, it's like far out, man.  

This actually happened. It sounds impossible, but I'm here to tell you there is absolutely no reason to doubt it, as I have seen this with my own eyes. Of course, I took a double tab of Liquid Sunshine a little earlier.

When they're coming back Jesus tells them to keep all this on the down low till after he comes back from the dead. We used to get paranoid like that too, worrying about getting busted. I guess J figured the pigs don't hassle zombies. Anyhow the groupies are all , “Hey, wait a minute, man, Elijah is supposed to come first”, and J weasels out by saying John the Baptist was Elijah, and the dumb shits fall for it. Damn, Jesus is Humpty-dumpty!

Jesus-English Dictionary

yeast noun 16:12

1: Teachings; doctrine
John the Baptist noun 17:13
1: Elijah
Son of Man noun

1: Me

Gabbledy Gabitle Boo phrase

1: profound shit; words of wisdom

At v19 J pulls the classic con, blaming everything on the mark. You can't do something? It's because you aren't good enough. You can't move mountains? That's not because it's impossible, it's because you don't have faith. It's another entry for our Jesus-English dictionary:

Faith noun
1: ability to do the impossible; magic

Nobody's ever been able to play tiddly winks with mountains, so nobody's ever had any faith magic, duhhhh, but people have been falling for this line ever since. Mr. Cult Leader puts it right to work (17:24-27). To get out of paying his taxes, he tells his peep to go catch a fish, which will have money in its mouth so he can pay both their taxes. (!!)

Curiously enough, the story just ends there. There is no verse 28 telling if this prediction came true. A normal person would say 'WTF that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard go pay your own damn taxes', but this is Peter, alias Brainwashed¹², Leader of the Pack^{(vroom, vroom)}.

I set my research team to work and we recovered the missing verses. You can see why they left them out.

According to Jesus, his peeps don't have to obey the law, just like he said back in 12:6. This reminds me of Crackergate, because back then I got into a into it, with a Catholic Priest no less, and managed to back him into a corner, (it was like tying knots in eels) and he flat out said that Catholics do not need to obey the law.
He admitted the crackergaters were guilty of a crime, assault at least, but that didn't matter, because y'unnderstand, God's laws abrogate human laws, so beating the shit out of people? A-OK. All his catlick congregation backed him to the hilt too.

That's some scary shit. People think Christstains are different than the Scary Muslims^TM—wrong. They're just two cheeks of the same ass.