Matty 18

Matthew 18

Jesus says it's better to be dead than cause a kid to sin. Are you listening Pope Natzinger, you and your RCC (Raping Children Church)? It's your book, perv.

He says to be like a little kid (18:1-4), but he doesn't exactly say why. He claims they're humble, which just shows he didn't have a one-year-old running around. There's one here, and the world revolves around him he'll have you know. Jesus tries to explain, in his fumbling Jesusy way:

18:10 See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.

Premise #1: kids have angels  if the angels are in heaven, they don't very well have them, do they? They're up there looking at Daddy instead of watching the kid, they won't even know what the kids doing. Therefore … I need an alien to explain this, because it bears no resemblance to human logic. Or maybe a Christain.

Lucky for me, 6-9 tells how to know when I've spotted a True Christian^TM. They only have one hand and one eye, maybe not even that, because their book says to cut off your hand if it causes you to sin. Obviously no teenage boys ever read this.

All I need to do is find two of these one-eyed blind guys and I can tell if this stuff is true or not. See, look:

19 Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.

Considering 2000 years of asking and no doing, I'd say this Jesus guy is a damn liar. It's too bad, 'cause his heaven sounds like fun, what with those bondage games and all:

18 I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

Meanwhile, down on earth, if you have a beef with somebody, “treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector” (15-17), which is how? A tax collector you give money to, so are christains supposed to give … oh wait, this guy Matthew was a tax collector. I get it, you're supposed to recruit them into your cult! That'll teach the bastards to sin against you. Harsh, man.

They'll have to sin a lot though, because we're supposed to forgive them the first 77 times. To illustrate, Jesus tells a parable (18:21-35) where a guy forgives somebody just one time before he opens the whoopass [This is convincing apparently, to a christain], and wow, look what's in the can when he does.

34 In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

35 This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

Jesus is down with torturing, and debtor's prisons, where the stay-till-you-pay plan means you can't ever earn the money to pay up so basically torture forever. That's what his Sky-daddy has in mind for us, and Jesus is just all thumbs up with it.

Now kiddies, what is the moral of this chapter? Jesus is … what?

Smart bunch of kids there.