Matt16: Beware of Yeast.

“The Pharisees and Sadducees came”, and already my dirty mind is off the rails; is that spelled wrong? shouldn't it be “seducees?” Seduce, seducer, seducee, yeah, but then what's Pharise? Some weird kink they used to do back in the day? Maybe I don't wanna know.

Anyhow, these perverts came to (up to?) (on to?) to Jesus, and asked for a sign, and the author here loses his readers in a major WTF? Dude's been campaigning all over the country, kissing babies, curing cancer (well, demons), even raising people from the dead fer chrissakes, and here they are still asking for a sign? What the hell do they need, anyway? I don't blame Jesus for getting all snitty with them and stomping off(16:1-4).

Next Jesus says “Look out for yeast!” His cult are all “wait, what?” and J bitches them out, calls them stoopid for not knowing he meant the teachings of the Pharisees (16:5-12). Seems clear to me: first thing I think of when I hear the word “yeast” is “gobbledy religious doctrine”. No matter how much of that stuff I put in, I can never get my bread to rise though. (no, that pic is not me)

This is a weird story, Jesus stretching another metaphor till it confesses everything it knows and starts making things up. But In Context^TM it makes sense. He disses his followers for his own shortcomings, typical behavior for an abuser who wants to foster a sick relationship. So it's not weird at all, really.

Jesus is a man in search of himself. He wants to know who he is. Apparently, word on the street is that he might be Elijah or Jeremiah or somebody. It's a pretty good bet he ain't John the Baptist, look: head, body, no platter in between: he ain't Johnny. The only other choice the book gives is “one of the prophets”, which got me wondering who made the top 40 back in Jesus-Year 0.

At least 6 other gods died and were resurrected prior to Jesus:

Horus c. 3000 BCE
Osiris c. 3000 BCE
Attis of Phrygia c.1400 BCE
Krishna c. 1400 BCE (possibly as early as 5771 BCE)
Mithra of Persia c. 600 BCE
Dionysus c. 186 BCE

------From Forever in Hell

Jesus is looking for a brand, he asks Peter “What's my image?” Petey-boy says he's the Christ, and Jesus washes out his mouth for swearing. Ha ha, just kidding. 'Christ' wasn't a mouthwash word in those days, it was the slangy way to say “You da man, boss”. Remember (11:11), up till now nobody was greater than John the Baptist, but Jesus swallows Peter's line. And hook. And sinker. “Yeah, you said it dude, that's me all right.”

This sounds like a big change in our boy. He's mentioned stuff like this before, like in 12:40, he was saying he was gonna die and get resurrected after three days. How crazy is that? I was all baffled and just ignored it, picture an embarrassed silence, groupies shuffling their feet, looking down, out the window, hey look over there! But it makes sense if he was referring to those legends floating around about Mithra and Co. coming to save the world. He's finally jumped the shark and decided he really is one of them.

16:21 From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go …

See, see what'd I tell ya? Must go do all those things Messaihs have to do, like get killed, rise from the dead, all that stuff (16:21-22). Peter takes him off in the corner and tries to warn him, “Whoa, buddy, yer talking crazy here” but Jesus ain't having none of it, he pulls rank: “GTFO dude, I'm fucken GOD, and you're the mutherfucken devil if you don't buy in. So piss off. (16:23).”

Remember he said he was gonna come while they were out going door to door? Now he says it again, this time he'll be coming in his kingdom when he comes, he'll be coming in his kingdom when he comes, he'll be coming in his kingdom, he'll be coming in his kingdom, he'll be coming in his kingdom when he comes. La, la la.

The guy's nuts.