Matthew 13

Ok I get this. I noticed it with mohammed too. To be believable as a Holyguy^TM evidently, you have to find some prophecies, do what they say, then go around trumpeting how you made the prophecy come true and you should get money, blow jobs, etc. In this one Jesus even admits what he's doing.

The apostles ask him why he talks in riddles, and he gives some gibberish answer, basically “them that has, gets; them that don't, suck it.” which totally makes him a dick.

Actually, in context it's worse than that; here's Matthew13:10-16.

10 the groupies ask Jesus why he always talks in parables.
11 He says "I don't tell them the shit I tell you.
12 “them that has, gets; them that don't, suck it.”
13 I talk in riddles so they won't understand, so I fulfill
14 Isaiah's prophecy: he said they wouldn't:
15 (also, that he'd only heal people that do).
16 UR better'n them because I only told you this shit.

 So let's get this straight. Isaiah was a jerk who'd withhold medical care from people, but we'll ignore that and like, give a shit what he said. We'll act like it was some big prediction, instead of just whining about how misunderstood he was. You wanna fulfill his “prophecy” (whooo) by putting yourself in the category of {people who say shit that don't make sense}. O-kaaay.

Your groupies are too goddam dumb to ask why you wanna do that, even when you flat out tell them it's just a con to make them the Chosen Few^TM so they can feel all superior. Also too goddam dumb to see the only difference here is between people you told shit to and people you didn't.

If he just talk in plain English (or Greek or Aramaic) people'd understand him, he wouldn't fulfill anything, wouldn't be any more special than you or me, and we could avoid this whole mess. Or likewise, we could if his followers were less gullible than a three-year-old.

Here I go:

“The snork shall meemble a bralbit”. 

There. Nobody understands that, so I fulfilled Isaiah's prophecy, so that makes me an official Holyguy^TM, so you should care what I say: what I meant was 'send money', so now a Holydude has told you what it meant, so now you understand, so you are all special and bettern'n everyone else, so go jihad everybody, after you use Paypal.

How'm I doing?