Matthew 3

The story introduces a new character, John the Baptist.  He's a wild-eyed loony who  lives out in the desert screaming "Repent! The End Is Near!" and must be the original model for the stereotype.  He also screams insults at people who come to him, and demands for payment, along with lousy metaphors (e.g. god can produce children out of the stones--wtf?)  but for some reason Jesus goes to see him.  Jesus is all growed up now, his childhood only lasted a half a page.

They have a kindergarten moment; "You baptize me." "No you baptize me." It doesn't say what that's about; does he do this with everybody, or does Jesus give off holier-than-thou rays? Finally Jesus goes swimming, and when he comes out, the author demolishes our willing suspension of disbelief by having the sky open up and god give a product endorsement: "Me & Jesus--BFF!".

Oh, come on.  You just put this in your story all matter-of-fact like it's the most normal thing in the world,   nobody bats an eye? Even in fantasy writing you need to throw in an "Everybody was all 'WTF?' " for something like this.

Also, the spirit of god descended on him. Like a dove. Ewwww. At least it wasn't a sea gull.


Robert Madewell said...

Matthew 3:1-2
I love it when the Bible has the characters saying that the kingdom of heaven is at hand. Appearantly, "at hand" means in two or three thousand years.

Matthew 3:3
Isn't it funny that Matthew just matter of factly says, "Oh yeah, this fulfills prophecy!" At least he got the prophet right this time. Later, he has problems with remembering what prophet said what.

Matthew 3:10, 12
Do exactly what we say or else. Yeah, I do so respect coercion as a means to proelytize.

Matthew 3:16
I was told (when I was young) that "went up straightway out of the water" meant that Jesus floated in midair above the water.

uzza said...

3:16 Mine just says he “went up out of”, but still. Once time we spotted a Great White in the water, and lemme tell you the surfers went up straightaway out of the water. Also the heavens opened up on them too, rained like a mutherfucker. And a sea gull came down on one dude, and I heard a voice saying “Holy Shit!”. No question, surfers are gods.

On the prophecy thing, yeah, it is funny. I've been noticing it.

Robert Madewell said...

Yeah, I was raised KJV only.