Matthew 11-12

John the Baptist and jesus grease each others's dicks in this chapter, and J says

11¹¹I tell you the truth: Among those born of women there has not risen anyone greater than John the Baptist;

 Ain't that a kicker, JtB is hotter shit than jesus. Who knew? Never heard anybody say "John the Baptist is my Lord and Personal Savior" though.


Jesus bitches how kids these days ain't worth a shit (11:16-17) ...


and how people didn't appreciate his miracles and they'll all go to hell ...


then power goes to his head, and he says this

^11:27"All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him."

You seem to think you don't have a mother, you conceited little shit, but that right there is a fine fucking foundation for fundamentalism. Rave on, Rabbi ...

 ^12:6I tell you that one greater than the temple is here.

ooh, ain't we just humble'n holy hell, here? He gets really wound up, says 'he who is not with me is against me' (12:30), like a good little fear monger should. He doesn't start calling people terrorists, but he says anybody who speaks against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven. 

Really? Not never ever? That's harsh from the guy who's supposed to be all about turning the other cheek and loving his enemies, no pun intended. Priorities, man--genocide, rape and torture first: then saying mean things about Caspar.
This Jesus guy is turning out to be pretty much of a dick. Could it be Sister Dominatrice lied to me all those years?  Oh right, yes.
  
He keeps on yelling at the kids, with some weird stuff about evil spirits and the Queen of the South will rise again. Evidently the Doonhamers are gonna kick ass on judgment day.  I just wrote WTF? in the margin here.


Then,

 12⁴⁷Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."

  and Mr. Love and Brotherhood says "fuck them, my homies are my family." Wasn't there something about that in those old laws he came to fulfill? Oh yeah, 'honor thy parents'. This guy isn't just a dick, he's a sinner! To hell with him! (so to speak)

Seriously, all my life I've heard about this character and how great and loving and peaceable he was. All I can say is, the trailer's better'n the movie.