Last Middle Meccan Sura

Chapter 40: 'The Believer'

v10. God hates you

¹⁰ It shall be proclaimed to the unbelievers, 'Surely God's hatred is greater than your hatred one of another,

v58. People are not equal.

⁵⁸ Not equal are the blind and those who see: Nor are those who believe... and those who do evil.

He's always saying this. Equality is not a concept for Mo.

v11. Everyody's a zombie.

¹¹ They will say: "Our Lord! twice hast Thou made us without life, and twice hast Thou given us Life!

Say What? Two lives down, seven to go? The Hadith explains it. They were dead before they were born, and after they died, and on J-day they became the undead for the second time. Spooky.

God gave a sign...

²⁴ To Pharaoh, Haman, and Qarun; ...
³⁶ Pharaoh said: "O Haman! Build me a lofty palace, that I may attain ...
³⁷ the ways and means of (reaching) the heavens,

Who's this Haman? Pharoah's general contractor, the guy who built the tower. He's in the book 6 times. Qarun, who knows? Fuck him. It sounds like Mohammed's mixing up Bible stories again—the Tower of Babel from Genesis, and Haman who worked for Xerxis I of Persia in the Book of Esther. To see why Mo can't possibly be wrong, read this explanation. Drop acid first so it'll sound deep. [Cliff Notes version—the koran says.] Oh, and it's six: six angels can dance on the head of a pin.

Sura 39 Zzzzzzz

Chapter 39: the Throngs.

⁶ He created you (all) from a single person: ... and he sent down for you eight head of cattle in pairs: He makes you, in the wombs of your mothers, in stages, one after another, in three veils of darkness.

Eight head of cattle? Three veils of darkness? What the hell's all that about? I'm asking because I looked it up and I still don't know. Somebody said the first ones an Arab idiom, but nobody seems to know what it is, and the second one depends on who you ask, just like everything else in god's spiffy book that is

²³ ... the most beautiful Message in the form of a Book, consistent with itself,
²⁸ (It is) a Qur'an in Arabic, without any crookedness (therein):

Consistent?!! Without any crookedness?!
ROFLMAO!!!!!!
Just google “Contradictions in the Quran”.

³² Who, then, doth more wrong than one who utters a lie concerning God...?

Well, this guy, for one,

and for two, that awful wrongdoer that put the toilet paper roll on backwards.

The other 171 verses are the same old tired news that on judgment day people who say there's more than one god will go to hell. Ho hum.

Nuclear Fusion in the Quran

Trust me, 7th century Arabic didn't have any words for submicroscopic particles. But here's the koran talking about atoms.

^10:61 ... There is not the weight of an atom on the earth and in the heavens that is hidden from your Lord,

Chapter 34 mentions atoms twice, in v3 and v22.

When the Arabs wanted to talk about the smallest thing there was, they used the word zarah. It meant 'a dust particle, or a mustard seed or the small ant', in other words 'a teeny-weeny speck'. Ok, that makes sense. Unless you're this loony tunes cleric, who says it's a “miracle of knowledge”, and “The process of atomic fusion can be explained fully from the Noble Qur'an.” !!! I shit you not: that's why they have all those A-bombs and nuclear power plants over there, don't ya know. OK, he's nuts, but 21 out of 27 translators translated this as “atom”. Biased apologists, or scientific miracle? I point and laugh, you decide.

It's only a miracle in English by the way. The three Russian translations I have give it as 'a particle', 'dust', or 'a tiny blade'--even though the Russian word for atom is, wait for it, 'atom'.

A slightly less psychotic explanation goes like this. God, y'unnerstand, meant atoms, but the ancient Arabs didn't have a word for that, so they wouldn't have understood His Perfectness. When modern Arabs finally discovered the atom, they tagged it with this zarah word, so today 'atom' is an accurate translation of modern Arabic.

News Flash! The Quran wasn't written in Modern Arabic.

comic from Zits

You gotta pick one language and stay with it, not switch back and forth whenever you feel like, because languages are constantly changing and a gay ass in 700 AD might not be a happy donkey in 2009. We saw this before with the clusterfuck about the furthest mosque, where mosque used to mean just any old kind of church. I skipped one in chapter 12 that had Joe and his bros hauling corn around Egypt. Educated, non-mohammedan, people know that corn only grew in the New World until the Spanish came around. That's ok though, cuz back in the day, our word corn used to mean any old kind of grain. If you use the modern meaning of corn, you have to prove the Pharoahs were growing Zea mays. Good luck with that.

Cultists don't get to say the quran is using Modern Arabic in one passage and Classical Arabic somewhere else. If god meant “islamic church” now, he had to've meant it back then. if they stick to 700 AD Arabic, there is no atomic miracle, Mo just meant some church, and Joe ate barley or something. How boring. Geez, reality is such a drag. OTOH, If they wanna use modern terms and say zarah means submolecular particles, then they have to say Mohammed visited moslem churches that didn't exist, and maize grew in Ancient Egypt.

"Modifying the koran” is such horrible blasphemy that last month Afghanistan gave two guys twenty years for it. Oh, the horror, they left the Arabic text out of their translated version. (Uhh, if you can read Arabic why would you want a translation in the first place?) [—Whoops sorry—I keep having these little logic flashes.] Remember 10:64,

^10:64...“there can be no change in the words of Allah.”

News Flash! You're modifying it when you attach new meanings to the words in it. If words can mean anything you want them to, well, that was my last post. You might as well use Lewis Caroll's poem as scripture. Yay, let's.

Next Sura

1.Verily there was brillig, a Sign for those who gyre and gimble, and wabe in the sustenance of thy Lord; yet from Allah turned the borogoves , and never do we mome rathes save for those who outgrabe.

2. No intercession can avail in Blalagup, except for those He has manxomed. There were frabjous before them, who denied the uffish claddam; the Beamalish, the Whanhatny, and the Ternerity of Rach, and every Jubjub plotted against their Prophet! And how terrible was my Penintal!

3. Now when he came to them in Callay, their vorpal blades went snicker-snack, but the plots of unbelievers end in nothing but callooh and whiffle: truly is the Lord most Slithy, most Galumph.





What the hell is all that, you ask?
Stay tuned.

Try to Believe

What else in Sura 34 is interesting? He says weird things about Solomon

¹² And We made the wind subject unto Solomon: It blew in the morning for a month, and in the evening for a month. ... ?!!?
¹⁴ But when We decreed death for him, naught showed them his death except a little worm of the earth, that ate away his staff; and when it fell down, the jinn came to know plainly that if they had known the unseen, they would not have (kept working for him). ...?!!?

First rule of reading the koran is, don't look nuthin up--- Hey, is too! God says!

^6:114 it is He, Who has revealed to you this perfect Book clearly explained ... And those to whom We have given this Book know that it is revealed by your Lord with all the requirements of truth and wisdom, so be not of the disputers.
^6:115 Perfect are the words of thy Lord in truthfulness and justice; no man can change His words;

See? You don't need to look in no other book. Ya hafta be way smart and know lotsa stuff, so you can make sense of it. Like they could be talking about the Indian Ocean Monsoons—they blow one way so you can sail to India in a month, and then they blow the other way so you can come back, see?

The worm thing, an old Jewish myth says Solomon was afraid he'd die before they finished his temple, and the jinns would quit working on it. (Hey I said it was a myth, yo) So he died leaning on his staff, and it held him up for a whole year while they finished. They didn't notice their moldy, rotting boss was dead, until some worms chewed up the staff and he fell down. That tipped them off. Lol, jinns are sure dumb.

Solomon had a magic worm, too. (No, not that!) It was the Shamir, and it could change stone just by looking at it. After it was done with Solly's orgy palace I think it swam over to the new world to help the Incas build cool stuff like Macchu Pichu. That doesn't have anything to do with the Koran, I just think it's neat.

Somebody named David is in here, too.

¹⁰ And We gave David bounty from Us: ... And We softened for him iron:

Aw, I've seen the dude, man! *** Yeah, man, I played with that cat last year, man! I never heard of him doing that trick, but why not, if he can make the Statue of Liberty disappear? And there's something about Saba, the Queen of Sheba's peeps.

¹⁶ But they turned away; so We loosed on them the Flood of Arim,

Just EVERYBODY knows about the Arim Flood, right? You don't? Lawsie Mercy, don't they teach anything in school these days?

See these ruins? That's the Great Dam of Marib, in Yemen, and people tell the story of how it collapsed and a flood wiped out their whole civilization. Trouble is, it didn't just collapse once, it kept falling apart for thousands of years, till finally they just gave up on it. The flood story is an urban legend. Mohammed, you been punked.

Call me a cynic, but I'm finding it hard to believe that god would fall for that.
And speaking of unbelievers, it says

⁴⁴But We had not given them Books which they could study, nor sent apostles to them

WTF? He didn't give them a book?!!! What about

^45:16 Indeed, We gave the Children of Israel the Book,
^41:43 Nothing is said to you which had not been said to other apostles before you.

OK, I tried to believe, I really tried. I let him keep me from looking in any other book, and I let him assume I'm as ignorant as a cat turd, but when he expects me to ignore flat out contradictions, I call bullshit. I call serious, AH-64 Apache with Hellfire missiles and 30mm miniguns bullshit. No more Mr gullible guy.

(*** extra nerd points for anybody who gets this reference)

Ayat

Forgot to mention ...

What I'm calling 'verses' in the koran are called ayat, an Arabic word meaning a sign and a proof of God. Here are two such Clear Proofs:

^a I’m God’s messenger, from and in the truth, brother and son to all men.

^b God is in me and I’m in God and we both have a spirit of justice for the world.

These are not just ordinary verses. They were brought to us by a bearded recluse who came from the desert, having talked with God, to lead a select group including many women, who followed a Divine message to preserve the Worthy from an impending Apocalypse. Surely is there a lesson here for those who understand.

^a,b Charles Manson, 1986 parole hearing.

Worship Tinkerbell !

The koran keeps talking about the clear signs Allah has sent, and I kept wondering what these were, in the back of my mind.


In Chapter 34, my mind finally had enough, climbed out of my head, stood on the keyboard, held up both palms, and screamed at me. "Just exactly WTF are these clear signs, dammit?"

Ch34 mentions them four times:

⁵ But those who strive against Our Signs, to frustrate them,- for such will be a Penalty,
⁹ We could cause the earth to swallow them up, or cause a piece of the sky to fall upon them. Verily in this is a Sign
¹⁵ There was, for Saba, aforetime, a Sign in their home-land - two Gardens to the right and to the left.
⁴³ When Our Clear Signs are rehearsed to them, they say, "....

Two of them don't say what they are, v15 says they're gardens...but v9 is the clincher. This is the one that gets your name on the contract, yes sir. No resisting an iron-clad sales pitch like this. See, there's this imaginary creature, and it doesn't exist, but it could exist; and if it did exist, something might happen; but it hasn't happened, so that shows that it must exist and hasn't done something. So you have to believe everything Mo says. Or something like that.

Let's see,
An imaginary creature could do something, so Mo is right.
Leprechuans could grant your wishes, so you have to buy this car.
Dumbledore can set things on fire, so you have to build this bridge.
I tried to figure what logical fallacy that is, but to be a fallacy there has to be some logic to fallate. Logic? It's the koran, man, we don't need no stinkin' logic. This “clear signs” bit, I think we should call it the

Tinkerbell Argument.

If you believe, and clap your hands, Tink will sprinkle you with magic pixie dust and you can fly away to Never-Never land.

Sura 31: Bob Says

Maybe I shouldn't help the kid with his homework before I read the koran, then things like this won't bother me so much. Look at Verse 10 “He created the heavens...We sent down rain...”

What are you trying to say--who did it, him or you? Don't think your teacher's not gonna notice this; the sentence after it says 'me' and the one before it says 'our'. She'll flunk you and send you back a grade. You've gotta be consistent; imagine yourself being God or the Hordes of Kalimdor, but stay those same guys all the way through your assignment. No shape-shifting. It's not D&D.

Oops. That's not the Noble Word of the Lord, that's me telling a grade schooler how to write an essay. LOL, maybe there's not much difference when you're thirteen, but isn't god older than that? At least 6000 years older is what I hear. He's supposed to have created all the 6000 or so languages in the world—one a year—and he still doesn't know basic grammar? God is a cute little Special Ed kid insisting “There is no god but Us.”

In the kid's rough draft, we put more red ink about how you have to “introduce your characters” yada yada yada. You can't just pop in a sentence about some guy your readers've never heard of, even if Mohammed does:

¹³Behold, Luqman said to his son... "Join not in worshipping others with Allah.” and
Behold, Bob said “Listen not to the Jehovah's Witnesses.” and
Behold Sparky said “Get them fucking bible thumpers off the front porch.”

Whattaya mean who's Sparky and Bob; who the hell's Luqman? Quran never tells you, or why I should believe him any more than Bob. Him and Sparky I know, because I took a bottle of Thunderbird to their cardboard shack by the railroad track and they explained all about the Quran. Lugman, shit, even with Google I had a hard time finding out who he was. Some friend of that Special Ed kid that people in ancient Arabia knew about. Suprise, suprise, in the koran what Luqman says is the same thing Mo says. Who'da thunk it? (13) “false worship is indeed the highest wrong-doing", yeah, yeah, (14) “be good to your parents”, Right, little-orphan-Mohammie,

(15) “But if they try to make you associate something with Me about which you have no knowledge, do not obey them.”

What the? He's telling kids they don't have to do what they're told unless they know more about something than their parents. What kid doesn't think he has more knowledge than his parents? You'd let thirteen year olds read this book? You're outta your mind.

Don't obey your parents, where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, EVERY SINGLE EXPERT who warns about dangerous cults. Like the American Family Foundation, warning sign #12. Bob said old Luqman is “one whacked out mutherfucker”, Sparky tossed the Quran in the burn barrel, and we finished off the Thunderbird. Screw it.

But I liked the poetry in line 27.

“ And if all the trees on earth were pens and the ocean (were ink), with seven oceans behind it to add to its (supply), yet would not the words of Allah be exhausted (in the writing):”

If trees were pens,
and the seas were ink,
Allah would write,
to make us all think,

that he made the earth
and all kinds of stuff
so we'll kiss his ass
and don't give him no guff.

Then we'll go the heaven
with fruit and cool streams,
and watch all the sinners
and laugh at their screams.

Woot

Strange Quranic Terms

Here's a note from Thomas E. Burman, Reading the Qur'an in Latin Christendom, 1140-1560, page 43:

“There is no clearer sign of the potential difficulties for the Qur'an's translators than the existence in the Islamic world of a whole genre of lexicons of the so-called “strange”or “foreign” words in the Qur'an. For as Muslims realized early on, there were a number of words in their sacred text that were not part of ordinary Arabic discourse, some of them deriving from rare Arabic or Semitic roots, some of them traceable to even more exotic languages, such as Persian. For a medieval Latin trasnslator such 'strange' Qur'anic terms must have been maddening.”

For example, “(Quran 4:51)those who were given a portion of the Book believe in jibt and taghut”. What're taghut? Well, they were idols; or they were people; or it means Satan; or sorcerer; depending on who you ask. Maybe it means clitoral orgasms, who knows?

We've blogged and sloggged up to Chapter 37, and looky here:

The beginning of sura 37 is a vivid example. It begins with the phrase Wa-al-saffat saffan, “By those arranged in ranks,” there once again being little in the context of the passage to explain what this meant. Muslim commentators naturally had to provide some clarification, and the normal view that they advanced was that by those arranged in ranks God means angels.

He calls this a 'famously difficult passage'. No shit: I thought he was talking about soldiers. Never heard of angels arranging themselves in ranks, only dancing on the heads of pins. Maybe they do line dances. This is the second time we've needed ESP to know he meant angels. Can't he just say "angels"? Does god have a speech impediment?

Mostly, this chapter is a dud, just more God Will Fuck You Up, and prophet stories again (god fucked 'em up, y'recall). It has that bit about a shooting flame that chases devils away, that we saw in sura 15. It describes heaven and hell again, sillily.

Awww, ain't it cute? Naturally he goes and spoils it with creepy talk about hell. (51-57) One of the guys in heaven had an 'intimate companion' back on Earth, and he looks down and sees him? her? down there in hell. Does he say “ZOMFG, that's someone I love down there, O NOES!!! HALP!!”? That would be the normal human reaction, for anybody who wasn't a sociopath, but hey, speaking of Mohammed, he has him say “ "By God! thou wast little short of bringing me to perdition!” Total inability to empathize, check. Mohammed's following his own first commandment, he gets hard again for the tortures of hell, and we find out it has a Zaqqam tree,

⁶⁴ For it is a tree that springs out of the bottom of Hell-Fire:
⁶⁵ The shoots of its fruit-stalks are like the heads of devils:

That's all it says about it, so I had an image of a tree with a lot of heads growing off it, and wondering who'd want to chow down on a thing like that. Wikipedia tells us more, and it sounds pretty nasty. (some books need footnotes, others need endnotes, the koran needs an online encyclopedia). One other thing stood out in this chapter (stood out = didn't 'same old' my brain into cottage cheese). He brings up the Dotters of Heaven again. (yay!)

¹⁴⁹ Now ask them their opinion: Is it that thy Lord has (only) daughters, and they have sons?-
¹⁵⁰ Or that We created the angels female, and they are witnesses (thereto)?
¹⁵¹ Is it not that they say, from their own invention,
¹⁵² "God has begotten children"? but they are liars!
¹⁵³ Did He (then) choose daughters rather than sons?

This is what Mo said in ch22–in Medina—to replace the Satanic Verses in ch53 that he said ten years earlier—in Early Mecca—by repeating something he'd said years later in late Mecca, that same night. Confused? Don't worry about it. You can count on one thing at least; women ain't fer shit.

More Pigs?

Didn't I just say something about pigs?

from Sinfest, 3/18/09

That's right squig, you are. Don't listen to their old Islamic propaganda.

Muslims are not Good in Bed

Those last posts were downers, but then I found this. Click on that link and see if you can read it without laughing. Go ahead, I dare ya. Or just take it from me, it's ok to be naked when you screw.

Muslims and sex, man, you don't know whether to laugh or cry. Here's a site with advice on the islamic equivalent of foreplay. I LOL'ed:

“When a Muslim man is about to enter his wife, he should always say first ... “In the name of Allah, O Allah, keep us away from the devil, and keep the devil away from that which You may grant us (ie. Offspring).”

Can you picture it? Interrupting the height of passion to make a speech like that? It'd make anybody go dry and limp—way to kill the mood, buddy. And then you gotta take a bath as soon as you're done (whenever that is), so no falling asleep in your lover's arms and waking up with nibbles. Forget multiple orgasms, too, because when a guy “comes to his wife and then wishes to return another time” he needs to take a bath first. They can have the big water bills, I'll stay in bed till we both look like glazed donuts.

I swear, if that's all these guys are aiming for I don't know why they even bother. Status Quo brings us more levity here.

Zombies, Fucking

In the last post I called a prominent Muslim insane for his interpretation of 6:151. Slander! Blasphemy! Mean!
I stand by it.
I dunno who Elsayed Kandil is, except that he's running loose in Australia, spewing crap:

Some Muslims argue that abortion is permissible if the foetus is younger than four months (120 days) ... This understanding is wrong, scholars argue, because the foetus is a living entity right from the moment of fertilisation and implantation on the wall of the uterus

The right word for anybody who argues that isn't 'scholar', it's 'imbecile'. “Islamic scholars” are oxy-morons that spend all their school hours memorizing nonsense syllables. They get a degree when they can regurgitate 6000 lines of it, so no time for shit like biology or math.

First off, that's two moments. What about the the five days between them, is it living, dead, undead? His 'moment of fertilization' is when an 'ovum' and a 'sperm' join to form a 'zygote': no foetus exists either before it or after it. Biology 101, dude.

His other moment is when the blastocyst implants and becomes an embryo, TWO MONTHS before any fetus exists. His "scholar's" two moments are imaginary fantasies. They flunked Biology 101.

But then he changes his story—the egg is fertilized outside the uterus and gets put into it later. Ewww! That'd be artificial insemination if they used a viable zygote, but he's doing it with something that isn't a living entity.

...once the semen from a man fertilised an ovum from a woman, and went into the womb of the mother, it was indeed a living entity

A living non-entity? A zombie zygote? Sounds like a bad movie. Lesbian gangs of ova running wild, preyed upon by Rogue Semen who then ENTER THE WOMB! But who cares? It's just dumb sciencey stuff he has to put in for the infidels before he gets to what's really important--

...causing a foetus to be accidentally aborted, say by beating a pregnant mother, results in payment of the blood money penalty equal to one-tenth of that paid for mistakenly killing a mature human being.

--that a fetus is worth 1/10 of a person, skipping over what's not important, beating a pregnant woman so badly that she miscarries. No payment due for that, no sir, and he only mentions it in passing since it's the most typical example that comes to his twisted mind as cause for a miscarriage. Beating one's wife half to death, just business as usual, exercising your god-given authority over the female body he owns. He comes right out and says it.

Muslims are exposed to all kinds of false arguments, including media reports in all forms and shapes, about a female having full authority on what to do with her body,

WHOA, don't even go there, motherfucker.
It gets worse.

It helps to remember what our beloved Prophet, Rasulullah (s), did when a woman came to him confessing that she was pregnant from adultery, ...Rasulullah (s) ordered that she be stoned to death as ordained by Allah (swt). The punishment was carried out with true commitment to Islamic Law in an Islamic State ruled by Rasulullah (s). When some of her blood stained one of the companions, he cursed her. ...

This is Islam, in all its mercy, humanity and firmness.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is insanity, in all its hateful, intolerant, misogynistic, self-loathing, immoral, religiously sanctioned putrescence.
This guy is insane.
Whether it's Islam or not, I couldn't say.

Fuckwits

I skipped right over verse 151 in sura 6. That's because I have a brain, but in North Dakota they have fuckwits. These run around causing trouble, getting into the legislature and introducing anti-abortion bills like this one, to redefine what a human being is, because y'see in ND it's hard to tell.

Section 1.1.b: "Human being" means any organism, including the single-cell human embryo, irrespective of the method of reproduction, who possesses a genome specific for and consistent with an individual member of the human species.

Well, I have a problem with that, because I have one of those growing next to my left kidney. Beethoven is an organism with the same human genome as me, and O NOES, we’re killing the little guy with radiation treatments. This is a class C felony now? Tough shit. I'm going to murder him.

Bill is here. There’s some other weird crap in there too, about incest, AIDS, pornography. Like I said, fuckwits. Somebody died and made them God, M.D., and now they're making medical decisions. “It is the finding of the legislative assembly that”, Section 2.3.a,“In no way does a child's right to life interfere with a mother's right to life”. Really? Tell that to all these pregnant baby boys. This thing is so bad even the Baby Boy Butt Bandits Brigade is against it, but I looked it up and found that Islam generally allows abortion. The koran says jack about it, but they cite this verse 6:151:

¹⁵¹ Say: "Come, I will rehearse what Allah hath (really) prohibited you from": Join not anything as equal with Him; be good to your parents; kill not your children on a plea of want;— We provide sustenance for you and for them;—

Yeah, see, it doesn't say you can't kill your children, it only says don't kill them because you can't support them, other reasons seem to be ok—gotta be the worst pro-choice argument ever! A better one is 23:14 that says God has to breathe the breath of life into you before you're human. Of course the bible says that too, but who am I to sneer at people's religions? ** Actually, this pro-abortion guy sounds reasonable, so inevitably there's some Mohammedan cumbags who disagree, but they're insane.

**

It's UZZA, bitches, and don't you forget it! Senior Sister of the Trinity, Queen of Quatar, Mistress of Mesopotamia, Dominatrix of the Desert, I play dominoes with the lives of lowly lesser gods and mere mortals, and I sneer at whatever I damn please!

Quran versus Pigs

Mohammed was a cat person, so dogs have been losing out ever since, but he really had a thing about pigs. Here's what he has god say

^6:145Say: "I find not in the message received by me by inspiration any (meat) forbidden to be eaten by one who wishes to eat it, unless it be dead meat, or blood poured forth, or the flesh of swine,- for it is an abomination —

I bet he really wanted to say “Hey, y'all, stop donating pig meat to Allah. Give me him something else, because I don't really like ham, and I'm getting sick of eating god's offerings.” He ran that past the PR dept. and they came back with this new revelation dissing pigs instead. He follows Goebbels's advice and repeats it in ch2, ch5, and ch16. His “don't eat dead meat” slogan is for stuff that's already dead—probly his flock was slipping him road kill—and 'blood poured forth', ... well, blood pudding, I mean, yuck.

There's no reason to say pigs are unclean. Horses and cows shit all over the place, but pigs pick out one place to crap in, just like people. They roll in the mud to get rid of mosquitoes and flies, but I've been camping in the Everglades and done the same thing. Yeah, they can have parasites, but that just means you have to cook the meat. Don't eat it raw, duhh. People don't think this through, like old Jules here:

Vincent: Want some bacon?

Jules: No man, I don’t eat pork.

Vincent: Are you Jewish?

Jules: Nah, I ain’t Jewish, I just don’t dig on swine, that’s all.

Vincent: Why not?

Jules: Pigs are filthy animals. I don’t eat filthy animals.

Vincent: Bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops taste gooood.

Jules: Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’d never know ’cause I wouldn’t eat the filthy motherfucker. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That’s a filthy animal. I ain’t eat nothin’ that ain’t got enough sense enough to disregard its own faeces.

Vincent: How about a dog? Dogs eats its own feces.

Jules: I don’t eat dog either.

Vincent: Yeah, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?

Jules: I wouldn’t go so far as to call a dog filthy but they’re definitely dirty. But, a dog’s got personality. Personality goes a long way.

Vincent: Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he would cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true?

Jules: Well we’d have to be talkin’ about one charmin’ motherfuckin’ pig. I mean he’d have to be ten times more charmin’ than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I’m sayin’?

Well, her maybe.

the Jew's Taboos

Chapter 6 is a big letdown. Big as in, it goes on and on and on forever , and letdown as in, nothing new, just reruns of the same moldy oldy ideas.

12 "It is they who have lost their own souls, that will not believe."
39 "Those who reject our signs are deaf and dumb,-"
125 "thus doth Allah (heap) the penalty on those who refuse to believe."
“If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it."

Whoops, that last one isn't Mohammed. How'd that get in there? That's Goebbels talking about the Nazis. Doesn't have anything to do with the Koran. Nosirree, nothing at all. My subconscious just snuck that in behind my back. Got no idea why. Just ignore it.I got toothpicks, propped open my eyelids, and plodded though 135 verses, when I found something interesting. “Hey,” I said to me, “what's going on here?” Mohammed is talking sense,

136Out of what Allah hath produced in abundance in tilth and in cattle, they assigned Him a share: they say, according to their fancies: "This is for Allah, and this" — for our "partners"! but the share of their "partners" reacheth not Allah, whilst the share of Allah reacheth their "partners"! evil (and unjust) is their assignment!

and I'm saying, yeah, Yes! Exactly. They give some to god and some to the priests, and the priests take both shares. It's a big scam. Has Mo come to his senses? He's talking sense here, goes on with more examples how the pagans don't eat certain foods, says how silly it all is, talking like a sensible person, and then he goes and says:

145Say: "I find not in the message received by me by inspiration any (meat) forbidden to be eaten by one who wishes to eat it, unless it be dead meat, or blood poured forth, or the flesh of swine,-

Say what? After ragging on about how silly it is to think god forbids food, he says god forbids food. Ho, ho ho, those guys are so silly, thinking god told them what to eat. Yuk, God really told them to eat something else, har har.
God's message is dumb for everybody else, but for him it's the straight dope. Man, religious people really don't think like the rest of us do. Ask Billy Graham: “they strongly believe they alone are right in their beliefs and everyone else is wrong. Thus they reject the central truths of the Bible that ...” OOOOkay! Same input, different output. I think there must be some God Worm that gets in people's brain and eats away the logic part. I found a picture of it:After making fun of people for thinking god told them what to eat, the Gods (hey, it's plural) switch to first person and remind people that they told them what to eat;

146For those who followed the Jewish Law, We forbade every (animal) with undivided hoof, and We forbade them that fat of the ox and the sheep,

... so the people are dumb for thinking god told them, because he did tell them, but told Mo something else ... I'm struggling, help me out here ...

154Moreover, We gave Moses the Book, completing (Our favour) to those who would do right, and explaining all things in detail,-

If it explains everything in detail, we don't need no stinkin' Koran. Mo's kinda shoots himself in the foot here. Here and here are discussions of if or not the bible still holds water ... people have written whole books about this, that you could read, or, you could just put your head in a paint shaker. The gods “help” us out

155 And this is a Book which We have revealed as a blessing: so follow it and be righteous,

They say some more stuff, but Google says “this book” means the Torah no it means the Quran no it depends on whether you're muslim or christain. If you're SANE, “it” means whatever you were talking about in the last sentence, which was the bible. Unless Mohammed was pointing at a Quran. That wasn't written yet. Gahhhhhhhnhuykj jnkggkuynjhhkhhknnh....
...This is where my brains ran out my ears and left me banging my head against the keyboard and babbling. Lat came in and gave me snorgles and chocolate, and read to me from a copy of Logical Thinking till I was back on my feet. One last verse from chapter 6

Everybody's a Critic

So I wake up this morning, the first thing I see is that the cat dumped a big green grassy pile of vomit right on my keyboard. Is my blog really so bad as all that?

Beethoven Shot!

(non-koran post)

Beethoven has been shot! Well, only with x-ray guns. In fact, he's in his third week of going in every day for a shooting. He's like a Hollywood star! Me, not so much. I'm just a meat puppet in the system.

Every morning I undress and lay on the bed while nurses tie my feet down and do exotic and strange things to my body. It's not so much fun. Everyone flees out past the red warning signs that say “lethal environment” while I stay there getting beamed at, purportedly, by invisible rays emanating from futuristic looking equipment that would make the people of Star Wars jealous. Not the movie actors, the actual real spacemen. Laser beams are everywhere. Cryptic symbols inked on my body line up with them, and a huge looming head like a T-rex hovers over me, moving from side to side and going “hmmm ... hmmm ...” as if deciding whether I'm edible. The technicians are emphatic that I dasn't move a muscle, so I assume a huge toothy maw is behind me that will open up and ingest me whole if ever I should twitch.

I come in feeling good, and leave midway on the scale between 'strung out' and 'wasted'. It's what druggies call “fucked up” only without the euphoria. Of course the experts assure me radiation should have no ill effects. Don't believe them, they Lie! It's not their nausea, y'see. But the upside! Beethoven is shedding weight like an Adkins spokesman, defying the sawbone' s “you haven't had enough radiation yet to do anything.” Not being a trained professional in health care, I likely just imagine that Beethoven is only half as big, has pulled his paws away from my backbone and no longer sticks his claws in my spine when I try to move. The ditch I dug in the backyard is doubtless a figment as well.
Nevertheless, death seems unlikely, so see your bookie and adjust your bets accordingly.

(next)

Rock City

In spite of all my nitpicking, chapter 12 was pretty good cuz it told a story; I'm gonna miss it. Now we're back to the disjointed, scattered topic-hopping we know and love.

He repeats the old standbys: Abraham & Lot, the Wood people, and a spiffy new one. Chapter 15 is named Al-Hijr, after one of the cities god nuked. Sometimes they translate its name as "Stoneland" or "Rock City", for purty good reasons, yo. These guys sound pretty handy;

82. They used to hew dwellings in the mountains to live in security.

And boy those are some dwellings they hewed, too. How'd you like to set up housekeeping in one of these babies, hmm? Want! I mean, if you had to live in a desert. Clicky on the pic as usual to find out more, and there's a little photo gallery fer dreamin'.

God does more bragging and threatening, and at the end he gets all emo with his prophet;

95. We are surely sufficient to deal with those who scoff at you,

and

97. We are well aware that you are disheartened by what they say.

Reading that's embarrassing. It feels like I'm snooping in some teenagers diary. That's god being all Mr. Sensitive after he's laid this on us.

8. But then We never send the angels down save with the purpose (of enforcing their doom), after which they will not be given more respite.

12. We place in the hearts of sinners (disbelief).

He puts disbelief in our heart and then dooms us for not believing. Yessir, death and destruction, brought to you "In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate". I feel so warm and tingly, I could just pee my pants.

Here's a something weird.

16. We have placed the signs of the Zodiac in the sky, and decked it out for those who can see;
17. And We have preserved it from every accursed devil,
18. Except the ones who listen on the sly, yet they are chased away by a shooting flame.

Say what? Chapter 37 talks about this too, with more details. It says there's a near and a far heaven. In the near one is stars & planets, which it says is an effective safegaurd (?!) against satans (there's more than one. It says “against every insolently disobedient satan”). Angels are in there discussing something, and the satans can't hear them, usually. But sometimes they can, and when that happens a shooting flame chases them away. I googled this up and got totally different explanations, as usual, so the hell with it. I'd say it means just what it says. There's a Zodiac in the sky and it shoots flames. That's easy to imagine. Why not?

Mo Stays On Task

Chapter 12 tells a story from the Bible, and Whoo-Hooo! Mohammed stays on one topic for a whole chapter! Gold star! Just when I'd gotten used to changing the subject every line or three. Here's what he says about the story.

3. Through the revelation of this Qur'an We narrate the best of histories of which you were unaware before.
102. This is news of the unknown We reveal to you
111. ... This is not a fictitious tale, but a verification of earlier Books

With Jews and Christians were around Mecca like fleas on a camel I dunno why he insists no one knew this story, but he wasn't trying to plagiarize. He's still trying to surf along on the old holy books, but he gets some of the details wrong so once again he ends up contradicting instead of verifying. Here's the tale.

Story of Joseph, Cliff Notes

His brothers try to kill him by dumping him down an old well. Somebody finds him, sells him into slavery in Egypt. Something about the boss's wife, prison time, and his cell mate eventually lands him a job with the Pharoah. His brothers show up, he jacks them around some and then invites the whole family over for dinner and a happy ending.

Notice the plot goes a little vague there in the middle? Yeah me too, because a good chunk of this version goes to explaining how Joseph was proved innocent of screwing the bosses wife, and then we cut to Joe in prison. Wait, ...what? Why? For what? All Ali says is “they found it proper for a time” Who? What? Pickthal's translation is a little better:

(35) And it seemed good to them (the men-folk) after they had seen the signs (of his innocence) to imprison him for a time.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. This is what passes for logic in CSI: Olde Araby ? The only reason I've EVER found for why he's in prison is here on some crazy Christian site I can't find again, and it was to protect him from the wife! Seriously. Such an Epic Fail at logic gives me a license to speculate, so here's my explanation, tactful like always.

Mo and all these other religion freaks were a herd of Male Chauvinist Pricks, that's a given, and most accounts agree Mo wasn't that great a story-teller. My theory is, when he came to the part where a Mighty Penis-Bearing Male was accused of wrong-doing by a lowly Boob-bearing Dick Holster, he couldn't avoid repeating all the standard excuses to ensure all blame fell on the females, leaving the Merit of the Mighty Male beyond reproach, as required by his Male Chauvinist Prick-mind. To wit,

23 With her husband RIGHT IN THE NEXT ROOM, the lady of the house
24 tried to rape him—against his will of course—and
25 ripped his clothes off as he runs out. (wink. Y'know how us studly dudes put up with this shit all the time, right?) Then she cried rape ®
26 It was all her fault ®, obviously, since
27-9 his shirt was torn in back instead of in front (! CSI: Olde Egypt !).
28 Bitches always lie®, and hubby was all
29 “it's cool Bro. And you, you fucking slut, you'll be sorry®”.
30 Then, people gossiped about her,
31 so she set up a meeting, and they said “Damn, girl, he's a hunk!”
32 She's all “Screw me or go to prison**” and
33 he opts for prison.
34 But god shut them bitches down.

[**you think I make this shit up? It says: (32) “I tried seducing him but he refused. If he does not do what I order him, he will be put in prison.” A standard pickup line you hear women using in bars everywhere, no?]

So Mo waxes eloquent about the evil wimmins until he realizes he completely destroyed his story line, then he mumbles line 35 real quick and gets back to the Bible story hoping no one will notice. Well I did, and I had to go back to the Bible to find out how the story is supposed to go: the boss believes his wife and tosses Joe in the clink. Logical. I never thought I'd say this, but read the Bible, it's a lot better.

There are a few other little mistakes. Mo has the Egyptian buying Joe with non-existent coins, “a few dirhams” which were money in Mo's day, but back in Joe's time coins hadn't even been invented. Also, the Bible calls the Egyptian guy Potiphar, but the Koran calls him Aziz, so we get silly Christians arguing with Moslems about which holy book is Teh Troof. It's never Aziz, it's al-Aziz and al is the definite article so Aziz isn't a name it's a title, so I'll come down with the Moslems on this one. I'll even cut Mo some slack on the dirhams—it's an easy slip to make in oral story telling. But I won't let him get by with having dead parents come to visit.

99. When they went back to Joseph he gave his father and mother a place of honour, and said: "Enter Egypt in peace by the will of God."
100. He seated his parents by his side on the throne; and they fell down before him in homage.

Trouble with this is, Genesis says his mom died in childbirth (35:18), and his step-mom was planted in a field in Canaan (49:31). I guess that's the reason they fell down—corpses do that unless you prop them up. I use baling wire.

Weirder is the magic shirt Mo puts into the story. He has Joe say this to his brothers,

93. “Take my shirt and put it on my father's face; his eyesight will be restored”

WTF? Five verses later they do, and it does! This guy talks to trees, believes in djinns that eat shit, why not magic shirts that cure blindness? I'll ask my doctor about it. His version of Joe's old man doesn't deserve to be cured anyway. When the brothers came home without Joe, he didn't go looking for him, didn't mourn like in the bible, he didn't do a damn thing. Then when they take his other son and THEY DO IT AGAIN, all he has to say is

83. "No," said (the father). "You have made up the story; but patience is best; God may bring them back to me. He is all-knowing and all-wise."

What great fucking parenting. Patience isn't best, you asshole, a search party is! In the Bible, he gets all upset, mourns and shit, but Mo forgot all that part, another example of Mohammed's inability to muster up ordinary human emotions. Look at the twisted way he has Joseph, his model of the wise and righteous man, respond when they prove he's innocent.

53. But I do not wish to absolve myself, for the soul is prone to evil, unless my Lord have mercy.

Doesn't he want justice? Nah, this is bad S&M porn; “Only if it pleases you Master”, “Punish me if it pleases you, Master.” It doesn't matter if he's innocent or what's right or wrong, only that his Master is happy. Religion in a nutshell.