Evil Bargains

Yeah, we're into chapter 3 now, and ZOMG this thing is 200 verses! CH 2 was 286, and I thought I'd die of old age in them. Hopefully Mo's settled into his new rape and pillage project by now and won't be flip flopping and being all obscure. It starts out the same, TIT, GWFYU, YAGTH, WIFL, then it says people lust after women. So obviously women are not ppl. Except lesbians. Lesbians are FTW.
Lines 19 and 105 talk about how ppl didn't differ till this revelation came with clear proofs .... Dude, if people are still arguing after your proofs, maybe yer proofs just suck. D'ja ever ask yourself that? Mathematicians don't have that problem. What, are they smarter than god? At least they don't get lost, like this here ...
3:96 Certainly the first house appointed for men is the one at Bakkah ...
3:97 ... pilgrimage to the House is a duty which men owe to Allah — whoever can find a way to it.
After all that trouble getting to Mecca, won't it be funny when they get to Paradise and find out they were supposed to go to Israel. Whoopsie!
Line 130, usury again; ix-nay on doubling and redoubling. Hear that Bank of America? We're looking at you here.
169 Think not of those who are slain in God's way as dead. Nay, they live ...
LOL---dead ppl are still alive---LOL. That god, he's always good for a laugh, isn't he? What a joker. No, don't think of them as dead, think of them as, oh, couch potatoes; they just need a bath. Those little white worms are their pets.
Ever wonder why good things happen to bad people? God tells you in 3:178
(3:178) We grant them respite only that they may add to their sins;
Poor god, he's all conflicted again. Here he's letting ppl off so they'll sin more, other places he's punishing them so they won't. The question is not the problem of evil, it's Multiple Personality Disorder or Bipolar?

Lines 186 has god singing Poor Poor Pitiful Mo again. Getting a little old after all that looting and raising a 1,000-man army. See that's how allah tests you, by making you all rich and healthy.
3:186. You will, nonetheless, be tried with your wealth and life, ...
Woot! Try me, try me. A half million or so should convince me of the error of my ways, I think, and everybody wins; I won't have to put my oaths up on e-bay.
(3:77) There shall be no share in the Life to Come for those who sell away the covenant of Allah and their oaths for a trivial gain.
(3:187) Then they cast the Book behind their backs, and sold it away for a trivial gain. Evil indeed is their bargain.



Well, looky here.

Prophecy, Self-fulfilling, One; check.


L'Etat C'est Mo

My diapers got in a knot over this line
(105) Say not (to the Prophet), O Believers: "Have regard for us (ra'ina)," but "look at us (unzurna)," and obey him in what he says. Painful is the nemesis for disbelievers.
Spozed-to-be-god-talking is demanding obedience to Mohammed. WTF! Cult Alarm! Cult Alarm!! Battle Stations!

This is Ahmed Ali's koran. Kafirgirl and I agree: AA is a dickwad who keeps sneaking in propaganda, the Fox News of translationdom. I'm unbookmarking him, assigning him to Cyber Hell, yuk.

Most translators just say it's to listen, and Yusuf Ali, the peep with the most translation cred, says not to say “words of ambiguous import, but words of respect; and hearken to the prophet.” Now that I can get down with. Well, I could if the prophet said shit that made sense. I like the Spanish translator:

¡No digáis: "¡Raina!", sino "¡Unzurna!" y escuchad!
= Don't say “raina”, but “uzurna”, and listen.
Which is real clear if you know that raina and unzurna both mean listen, so it's telling you to say listen, not listen, but the second listen is a more polite listen. You listening?

OK, that's what Ahmadiyyah sez, along with a lot of  how Jews suck. You gotta hand it to these guys, I mean I would never make the connection: people 1400 years ago didn't use the proper form of address, so therefore we need to wipe Israel off the map. Or something?!?  anyway we just have to listen to Mohammed, not obey him.

Good, cause that cat is getting seriously bossy, and you don't want to get on his bad side. By the middle of ch. 2 being an enemy of Mo is the same as being an enemy of god. How's that for ego?
(2:99) Whosoever is the enemy of God and His angels and apostles, and of Gabriel and Michael, then God is the enemy of such unbelievers."
See? Enemy of apostle = enemy of god. Mo's an apostle. Enemy of Mo = enemy of god. Am I too cynical?
A few lines later, he's ragging on those damn infidels again,
(115) Bla bla bla. For them is ignominy in the world and severe punishment in the life to come.
Oh ho, Grasshopper, they get punished in this world, not just the one to come. By you punished they must get, for you don't see anybody else down here do you? Like there's angels and djinns and shit running around? Never mind.

Here he's saying the meccans have no right to their own mosque, setting them up as the common enemy. Maybe this to do with his attempts at raids, kind of like the lead-up to the Iraq war---nah, there I go being cynical again. I try to keep that bottled up, really I do but sometimes it comes gushing out like Old Faithful. It did when I read that last line in ch2: if you don't do what he wants, it's war, motherfucker. And not with god either, it's war from his apostle Mo. And his Grasshoppers.
By ch 8 its no longer ambiguous   
2:1... spoils are at the disposal of Allah and the Messenger.
2:20  O ye who believe! Obey Allah and His Messenger, and turn not away from him when ye hear (him speak). 

The line between godhood and mohammedhood has shrunk down to a teeny tiny string of quarks.  In the hadith, he's not so modest. Mo = God
the Prophet is reported to have said: “He who obeys me obeys God; he who disobeys me, disobeys God. He who obeys the ruler, obeys me; he who disobeys the ruler, disobeys me.” (Sahih Bukhari,V4,B52,N204)
Pretty soon he'll have god say it. Yep. Chapter four. God, you're up:
Voila. L'Etat C'est Mohammed.

Prophetd00ds who say that usually end up getting killed, along with all their followers. Al-Razi had it right. So how is Mo different? Follow the money, babe, follow the money.


A Lurking Doom

An ominous trend has been coming for a while. Looming dark, scary, and ominous in the first suras, its vague shape gaining weird misshapen form with each chapter, its unholy outline now congeals into half-seen glimpses of that dread that haunts all seekers could they but admit their deepest Stygian fears. Well-known it is that those few half-mad souls unafraid to don the mantle of Prophet, with the Icarusian presumption to speak for the very Gods themselves, extract with their cosmic daring a certain lupine reverence from the plebian masses whose sodden lives remain blessedly innocent of such ventures to, even beyond, the very boundaries of sanity. For there, unmoored from all restraints of morality, of good or evil, of sane or mad, lies a heady power, an intoxication that eats the soul and corrodes the cerebrum of the poor doomed venturer until that demoniac state is reached where only faint memory lies in the remnants of his diseased mind of a distinction between himself and the Old Gods. All is lost, at that terrible juncture, for the guiding beacon of Reality is forever lost and the accursed soul is doomed to wander, till the breath mercifully stills within his pathetic breast, half in the phantasmal wastelands of his suppurating mind, yet half in the real world of men, dragging his followers to a hideous and inevitable doom.
(See next post for details)


Business Dealings

To: Bank of America
    Loan Department


From: Uzza
Your Valued Customer
Ancient Ruins

Attn Rob Baron,

It is imperative that you forego all interest on my outstanding loans. If you attempt to collect this debt, be advised that I will initiate an armed conflict, otherwise known as 'a war', between myself and your establishment, and will not be held responsible for any fatalities or collateral damage that may result. Only on the condition that you repent will I repay the principal portion of my loan, repenting to take the form of, at the very least, relinquishing any claim to the interest I owe, and kissing my ass.

These actions are taken under the authority of the Holy Quran, Sura 2, Ayat 278-279, which reads in full:
(278) O believers, fear God and forego the interest that is owing, if you really believe.
(279) If you do not, beware of war on the part of God and His Apostle. But if you repent, you shall keep your principal. Oppress none and no one will oppress you.
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.  

Yours Sincerely, 
Uzza, Prophet of God.

Think it's worth a try?  Seems to have worked for Mo.


Moldy Oldys

So I 'm rolling down the highway, listening to the radio, and the Rolling Stones come on with Under My Thumb and I can't help singing along, because it's a really good song, and I hate myself for it, because those are the worst lyrics in the world and it's a REALLY BAD SONG, and I'm singing it.
I wonder, when I first heard that song back in the Pliocene, did I object to it and boycott Mick Jagger's music? Of course I did, we all did, that's why the Stones never got popular.

The Koran is like that I think. You hear it when you're little and never think about it, people are reciting (not SINGING. Horrors!) it all over, and it's kind of catchy I understand, in the original Arabic, and it's not till you grow up that you start to question the lyrics. If you ever do.

Lucky for us, feminism came along and showed us the sexist lyrics.  What's gonna come along for Islam?


Quran, Women's Section

Meanwhile, still back in Sura 2, starting at line 221 we come to the Women's Section. How do we know? Well, it's not like it leads into the new topic with a smooth transition—this is the koran we're reading—he just blurts out this line
(222) They ask you about menstruation. Tell them: "This is a period of stress. So keep away from women in this state till they are relieved of it. When they are free of it, you may go to them as God has enjoined. For God loves those who seek pardon, and those who are clean."
O rly? Who asks you this, and why? It's like having Sunday dinner with the family and somebody pipes up “I'm flowing really heavy” and the parent's “That's nice dear, I have extra pads” and it's the most natural thing in the world, and that would be nice but I doubt that's how went down in Olde Araby. I'm looking at the next line, Ewww, unclean, keep away, COOTIES! This is men, asking another man about “The Curse”. In fact, a guy who thought that whichever parent has the first orgasm is who the baby will look like. A-plus in Biology there, Mohammed.

Muslims always say Mohammed was a big fat feminist who came along and changed all the bad things those mean old pagans used to do but didn't leave any records of. “Look”, they say, “good stuff here”
(233) The mothers should suckle their babies for a period of two years for those (fathers) who wish that they should complete the suckling, in which case they should feed them and clothe them in a befitting way; but no soul should be compelled beyond capacity, neither the mother made to suffer for the child nor the father for his offspring. The same holds good for the heir of the father (if he dies). If they wish to wean the child by mutual consent there is no harm. And if you wish to engage a wet nurse you may do so if you pay her an agreed amount as is customary. But fear God, and remember that God sees all that you do.

See? Take care of new moms for two years. Maternity leave, woot! And here's life insurance, and no-fault divorce
(2:240) Those among you about to die leaving wives behind, should bequeath a year's maintenance and lodging for them, without expelling them from home. But if they leave (of their own accord), you will not be blamed for what they do with themselves in their own rights. God is all-mighty and all-wise.

But as I wandered these fields of ambrosia, I kept stepping in cowpies of misogyny and got really pissed at how it's all addressed to men, only ever refers to women in the third person. It's never 'Ladies, do X', it's always 'She should do X'. Obvious, women are not fit to talk to, they should be seen and not heard. Or just fucked, not seen or heard.

He keeps talking about dowries. Wtf, who has dowries? The fucking Bronze Age is over, this is the third fucking millenium. When you give
money to the woman's family and take the woman home, it's not a marriage it's a purchase, and she's not a wife she's a slave. But oh but wait, they say, see, the woman kept the money, for in case her hubby got killed, lost his job or whatever, its like early life insurance, so it's all good. See? Yay, Mohammed! And look he allows divorce
(2:230) If a man divorces her again (a third time), she becomes unlawful for him (and he cannot remarry her) until she has married another man. Then if he divorces her there is no harm if the two unite again if they think they will keep within the bounds set by God and made clear for those who understand.
The fuck? Get divorced, remarry, do it again, three times, marry somebody else divorce them remarry the original what the hell who does this? Has this ever happened in real life or even on daytime TV?

Take a close look. Notice it's not 'they get divorced', it's “a man divorces.” Ahhh, it's the men that do this. Adultery would be
horrible, y'unnerstand, so he just says “I Divorce You” and goes out and gets some strange pussy, then he comes back and remarries hisself. Meanwhile she sits at home, does she even know about it? Well after three times she has to go do the slut wife thing, so yeah, but then it's back to normal. Normal? What am I saying?

You know what I like? Prostitutes. There's no transparent bullshit about not being a sleazebag, you just buy the product. And take a closer look at Line 233 up there. Sounds good, right, till you notice “for those (fathers)”. It covers “if the father desires” and later if “by mutual consent”, it just never covers if the mother doesn't want. In other words, whatever the father wants goes, and there's no anti-waterboard clause about how he gets her consent either. If this is pro-woman so are George Sodini's diaries.


God Tells Me To Kill You

You don't believe me about Chapter 8? Here's the summary, in cliff notes.

1 All plunder goes to Mo & Me.
2-3 Cult members get hard-ons over Me
4 and I pardon and reward them.
5 When I sent you to fight, you bitched
6 like I was trying to get you killed.
7-8 I wanted to kill everybody, not just the unarmed ones,
9 and I promised to send angels to help,
10 but I lied. I Know Everything (IKE)
11 It rained while you were asleep,
12-13 and I told the angels to cheerlead.
14 You have to go to war, but that's better'n going to hell like the infidels;
15-16 If you don't fight I'll send you to hell.
17 I get all the credit for winning. IKE
18 I alway win.
19 ( an aside to the enemy:) If you come back GWFYU again. (now back to his own guys)
20-23 obey Mo & Me;
24-25 remember I judge you, and GWFYU.
26 Remember how much I did for you.
27 Be honest.
28 Heaven's better'n your children.
29 I'll tell you what's right and wrong. I'm nice.
30 The infidels plot, but I plot better;
31 when we preached at them they said: “Yeah, sure,
32 why don't you rain down stones from the skies on us?"
33 But I didn't feel like killing them right then, when they were seeking forgiveness (!!)
34 They're not holy enuf to guard the Mosque, and
35-8 if they don't repent, they should go to Hell.
39-40 So, I'll help you kill them all;
41 one-fifth of the loot for Mo, and for charity. IKE
42 You wouldn't have fought that day, but I made you. IKE
43 I lied about how many there were, so you wouldn't chicken out. IKE
45 When you go to war, stand firm, and think of me,
46 Follow orders, and keep fighting.
47 Don't be like satan's guys,
48 cuz he turned tail and ran.
49 They thought they were right but they weren't.
50 Angels take the infidel's souls away, and beat them,
51 and say “see what you're making us do?”
52 They did that to the Egyptians, too
53 IKE.
54 I drowned the Egyptians cause they didn't believe me.
55 I hate unbelievers.
56-7 If people break their contract, kill them.
58 If you suspect they might break a contract, break it yourself. I don't like treachery (!!)
59-60 Kill the infidels,
61 but make peace with them. IKE.
62-64 If they try to cheat you, I'll give you allies, so
65-66 fight! I make you 10x or twice as strong as them.  (God sucks at math.)
67 Don't take captives till after a battle. IKE
68-69 War makes it okay to steal shit. I'm nice.
70 Enslave your prisoners.
72 Support the troops. Fight anybody except your allies. IKE
73 Infidels help each other, you should too.
74 Support the troops. IKE.
-----the (long overdue) end-----

That's it. I've tried to hold onto the idea the koran was just another silly scripture, no worse than the rest of them. I've really tried, but there is no way in hell to whitewash all this crap. This is not a kind and loving god, it's a bloodthirsty warmongering prick.  And when god sanctions killing, people listen.


Sura 8: Spoils of WTF

Holy Shit, this is terrible. This book is supposed to be god's word to humankind, to guide them, so what does it talk about? How to divvy up the loot from a war. FFS, that's what Blackwater and Haliburton do, not god. God's supposed to be all John Lennon, “All you need is love”, and “Give peace a chance.”

If there was a war, god “the All-Merciful and All-Forgiving” wouldn't be telling you to steal everything and make slaves out of the losers, which is all this chapter talks about. If you take that out, out of seventy four verses, this is all you have left:

  Surah 8
    Revised Pacifist Version
27 Be honest.
61 Make peace with the infidels.
62-4 I'll help if they try to cheat you.
73 Infidels help each other, you should too.

That's it. All the rest of it is fight fight fight, kill, kill, kill. That's god's advice to humanity? Fuck this guy, let's  worship John Lennon.


Sex in the Koran

I told you we'd have sex before long, and heeere it is, ladies and sexist pigs. From about line 177, chapter 2 gets all legal eagle, Godhammed starts laying out the law for his d00ds. Lines 178-189 cover revenge, wills, and fasting. Revenge: good. A will: make one. Fasting: do it, like Jews. Fucking: that's part of fasting, see, because uhhh, was that Friends you just clicked past?

The Dr. Ruth advice is in the middle of a discussion about when you can eat and drink, cuz, y'know, the wife is just part of a man's overnight kit: clean socks, toothbrush, cum bucket. The quran tells you when to eat and when to use your cumbucket.
(187) You are allowed to sleep with your wives on the nights of the fast ... now you may have intercourse with them ...
Gee, big of you to say that Mohammed. I have to laugh when I see these big manlymacho men running to ANOTHER DUDE for permission to screw their wives, lol. Of course they wouldn't ask THE WIFE'S opinion, that'd be like asking your toothbrush. You don't ask Rosy and her Five daughters for permission, now do ya? It's not about two people sharing intimacy to maximize the other's enjoyment, you faggot-ass, it's about shooting peckersnot into the beaver. That picture up there at the top? Perverted, shameful, sickening. Just looking at it dries up your shamecave and makes your godstick all limp doesn't it? It doesn't? Pervert.

Allah or Mohammed or whoever narrates this train wreck helpfully explains exactly why he give permission to sleep with rape your wives. It's because “They are your garments and ye are their garments”. Betchur glad I cleared that up. I didn't? Well, here's the thing, when every Islamic Scholar in the Virgo Supercluster says it means something different, then it doesn't mean anything. Like if I say “t-ə-meyŋ-ə-levt-pəγt-ə-rkən”, it doesn't mean anything, except if you speak Chukchi you'd offer me some aspirin, but I shouldn't have told you that because if you don't speak Chukchi it means the same as “you are their garments”, which is not a goddamn thing. What seems to have escaped people's notice for 14 centuries is that it DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. Neither does this line:
(189) They ask you of the new moons. Say: "These are periods set for men (to reckon) time, and for pilgrimage." Piety does not lie in entering the house through the back door, for the pious man is he who follows the straight path. Enter the house through the main gate, and obey God. You may haply find success.
Same thing. Google it all week, nobody'll say it's talking about doors. Some people say it has something to do with old moonworshiper customs. Some people it's saying ix-nay on the buttsekks, but then some people just have dirty minds. Maybe it's about lamps.


Mohammed and the Pirates

Remember when Mohammed agreed to move there, he had the Medina d00ds pledge to fight for him? Remember how Mo has had revenge fantasies all along? Remember those caravan routes? Remember human nature?

Maps are cool. This here one has gray patches that are volcanic mountains that'll eat a set of Air Jordans in one afternoon. The dotted lines going around them are major trade routes, like Interstates
but with more camel poop. All the freight between India and Egypt and Europe goes right through Mohammed's back yard, just like the Manila Galleons ran through the Caribbean. Who could resist, me mateys? Arrgh!

Not Mohammed. Six months after the big move he sent his Uncle and 30 guys to attack a caravan at el-Ais, #1 on the map. They had a spiritual moment and said, “Hey, this is just wrong” and all went home to burn incense and contemplate lint.

Just kidding, the caravan had 300 d00ds guarding it, see, which is god's way of saying “Thou shalt not steal.”
So they got up a mob with twice as many guys and went after another caravan, #2 on the map, down by Rabigh. They shot arrows at them but nobody got hit and they gave up. They made about ten more raids but they couldn't find the caravans. Hey, don't laugh, it's a big desert. They didn't have GPS, no radio, not even binoculars. They needed an intelligence branch, these spiritual leaders did.

You gotta ask, what would Buddha do? These ship of the desert guys were long haul truckers, rolling down the highway, with camels for 18-wheelers, all about moving freight, no bodink religious cults. Try hijacking a semi and claim your guru told you you had to, to aid in your spiritual development, see how many years that adds to your sentence. Good luck, I'll bring cigarettes on visiting day, douche boat.

Mo led a couple of these raids in person. One down south by Mahkla and one up north by Yanbui, the flags on the map. He might not have been much of a general but he was a hella good politician. He made treaties with these tribes, so now he's got Mecca bracketed, spies catching traffic coming or going. Finally, jackpot, about a year and a half after the big move to Medina, they nailed a convoy. Gee, that's about the time he said piss on the Jews. Think there's a connection?

The pirates went covert this time, sent out an 8-man squad with secret sealed orders [hey, if Mo can't read how keep this secret?]. Once they were out of sight they opened the envelope and followed directions: go east, sneak down along the inland side of the mountains to Naklah and ambush a small caravan on its way into Mecca. For the Lord, y'unnerstand. They made a surprise attack at dawn, killed one of the four guards, kidnapped two for ransom, stole all the camels and the freight, gave a fifth of it to Mo. Tithing, to the max. Some left wing liberal pussies started bitching about their ancient traditions that all fighting stops during the Holy Month of Rajab, so this was no time to be attacking your own kinsmen, so Godhammed sent down an epileptic fit to say it was all good, so stop whining you traitors.

2:217 They ask you of war in the holy month. Tell them: "To fight in that month is a great sin. But a greater sin in the eyes of God is to hinder people from the way of God, and not to believe in Him, and to bar access to the Holy Mosque and turn people out of its precincts; and oppression is worse than killing. They will always seek war against you till they turn you away from your faith, if they can. But those of you who turn back on their faith and die disbelieving will have wasted their deeds in this world and the next. They are inmates of Hell, and shall there abide for ever.
NOW it all makes sense. No need to convert Jews anymore, piracy pays better than passing a collection plate, and passing out booty is a a better way to get converts anyway. All these fight verses are convincing the cult to get on board with the new warfare state. Support the troops, yo.

I totally get it now why moslems always claim they were so persecuted and only defended themselves when the polytheists were all torturing and killing them and stealing their ipods. There's nothing in the records about the pagans doing any of this, even though they have every gory detail of what the moslems did to pagans, like who they killed and how much blood money they paid. Seems like the family album would have room for “Uncle Fred got murdered” even if it meant leaving out “how to wipe your ass”.

But it's all good, see. Godhammed said the killing at Naklah, in the holy month, was ok cuz what the pagans did was worse. So, the pagans had to have done something worse than murder. Tough call—admit you're a murdering thief, or find some excuse, like 'oh yeah look what they did' So, ... stories of torturing mo-men spring up like flies on shit. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Boo-yah, there really is prophecy in the quran.

Making up the story that Abraham built the Kaaba lets him make the pagans all evil for taking over “his” mosque [just like nowadays with the temple in Jerusalem: cant argue with success] and his references to the Holy Mosque give him a freebee—he gets revenge on the Meccans for all those years of being laughed at. It's fair all around, in a psychopath kind of way.


Fight! Fight! Fight!

Our story so far
(2:190) Fight, but don't be aggressive.
(191) Kill them wherever you find them, and kick them out of wherever they kicked you out of. Persecution is worse than killing. Don't fight by their temple unless they attack; then kill them. That's what non-muslims deserve.
(192) It's good if they stop.
(193) Fight them till there are no more non-muslims. Even if they stop.
[my translations.  Originals are in this post. ]  Moving right along ...

(2:194) (Fighting during) the holy month (if the sanctity) of the holy month (is violated) is (just) retribution. So if you are oppressed, oppress those who oppress you to the same degree, and fear God, and know that God is with those who are pious and follow the right path.
What the hell?  Without all of Yusuf Ali's brackets with extra words, here's that first sentence. 
(194) The holy month of the holy month is retribution.
What kind of grades did old Yusuf get in translator school? That doesn't even make sense. What it's spozed to mean is this:
(194) Fighting during the holy month is OK.  Revenge is good.
... Then, some more boring preaching, Judgment day's a-coming, Jews suck, and more jihad;
(216) You have to fight, even if you don't want to.
(217) Them not letting us in their temple is worse than us violating the ceasefire. Persecution is worse than killing. If you leave islam you'll go to hell.
(218) if you fight you'll go to heaven.

There's a tangent about booze, Aunt Flo and divorce, then he throws in another “Fight in the way of God”(244). How does god fight? Well, when Noah's d00ds pissed him off, he killed EVERY LIVING THING ON THE PLANET, so that's a clue.  (246-252) tells about Saul, and Goliath, emphasis on a small force defeating a larger force, he's very warlike, sounds like a military leader cheerleading troops into battle.

What the hell? What's going on here? Where's the love? Can God, most Gracious, most Compassionate" be telling us to kill each other, ignore treaties, and be all Hatfields and McCoys?  Oft-Forgiving Most Merciful Allah says infidels deserve to be killed? (191, 193) Sorry, Does. Not. Compute. FAIL!

OK, try a different strategy. It's Mohammed laying out rules for his peeps so that they'll be all moral and shit out there in the desert where the tribes were all Godfathery anyway.  So always get revenge (194), homes, don't let no other gang disrespect you, you gotta kill them if they diss you. And by diss I mean not let you into their temple in Mecca (191, 217).

Huh?  Seems like after you'd swore off being a pagan, their old pagan temple is the last place you'd want to be. Lemme tell ya, I never had any urge to set foot in a Catholic church again after I grew up and moved out. Apparently if they forbid you from doing anything, they're persecuting you and you should kill them. My neighbor doesn't want me to go in his house and raid his fridge when the beer gets low, so ZOMG, PERSECUTION!  He must die!

Speaking of “prevent access to the Sacred Mosque” (217), the Saudis won't let non-muslims near the place, so I guess we should nuke the fuck out of Saudi Arabia, huh, and “expel them from where they have expelled us” (191). Or not.  Sorry, Epic FAIL!

Let's try strategy #3. One of those whack jobs that think god talks to them is telling his groupies what he wants and he's using the old god shtick for a talking point.  Now that adds up, but why is he so militant all of a sudden?  He was a bust preaching in Mecca, the peeps got so sick of him they were all GTFO, but he caught a lucky break when some wannabes from Medina were better preachers than him, and got up a fan club, and took him in. He tried to enlist the jews there, had to give up on that. It's time for a Brand New Plan, be Dick Cheney, go over to the Dark Side. Remember I said he had a new source of income?
(stay tuned) 


Jenn Assess

1. Way long ago, before there was Earth for walking, or woman to walk, there was Nothing; and the gods were bored;

2. And Heelyum said “Let's fuck,” and there was fucking. Hidro Jenn found pleasing the form of Oxy Jenn, and cometh unto her, and together they begat Wadder.

3. And the lustiness of Oxy Jenn was grand; so that she coupled with Iyearn to beget Rhust; with Fosforus to beget Fosfate; she combined even with herself, gayly begetting Ozoan (03);

4. Nitro Jenn and Hidro Jenn came together and begat Amoanya; Hidro Jenn, with a Karb-on begat Meth Ayn; and there was much begatting for billions of years, so that the tribe of Molly Cyools prospered and grew mightily.

5. And it came to pass that Molly Cyools filled the Nothing, so that there was Something; and it had the form of great clouds of dust and gas.

6. And it came to pass that awesome Gravidi formed Stars of the dust of the clouds, and with her breath set them to orbiting the heavens. And she formed Nebulae, and Galaxies, and Globular Clusters, and all kinds of Really Cool Shit.

7. Around and amongst the Really Cool Shit moved grains of dust, and they were alone, and yearned for their own kind; and the grains did gather together in the heavens, and formed clumps. Really big clumps; And they were called planets,

8. On the planets, there came together in great gatherings Meth Ayn, Amoanya, Wadder and all the Molly Cyools; and between them they raised up an atmosphere, and it was good. And one of the planets was called Earth, and it was the goodest one of all.

9. Beneath the atmosphere dwelt Molly Cyools of many kinds; and mighty Leck-Trisidi came down amongst them, so that she did beget the tribes of Ameano-ass Sid and the Pro-Teens, who had some great guitar riffs.

10. And these Molly Cyools did cleave together, each to their own kind; and they formed cells, and were communists, and it was good.

11. Now these are the generations of the daughters of Ameano-ass Sid: the tribe of Newcleic-ass Sid, their daughters Ribo and Deoxyribo.

12. Into this tribe came a marvelous work and a wonder, for Ribo, yea, and even Deoxyribo, reproduced, making new cells. Verily they gave birth to others of their kind, without any help from anybody; and they went forth and multiplied.

13. And it came to pass that they not only multiplied, they did all kinds of math, and raised themselves to the umpteenth power, so pretty soon the place was covered with them.

14. Truly the daughters of Newcleic-ass Sid filled the Earth; and there wast not room to breathe. In fact, there wast not air to breathe, because they shit so much oxygen out they poisoned the whole planet. Surely, there art a lesson here for those who hath wisdom.

15. The Cells, daughters of Sid, replenished the Earth, verily, and some went into the wilderness, yea, even onto dry land; and they fought over the land, and the biggest baddest Cells won, and took over, and they covered the Earth, both the land and the seas.

16. The least among the Cells began to hang together, for there is strength in numbers; and they became multicellular, and were critters. The critters vanquished their enemies, and they prospered. Soon the Earth was covered with critters. And they lived side by side with the Cells, and it was good.

17. Now the wise Eve O. Lewshun worked her magic on the critters, and helped them to prosper; by the grace of Eve O. some amongst them developed sharp teeth and claws, sharp eyes, and long legs for running; some developed stinky smells, and electric zappers, and poison spit and all kinds of weird stuff you'd never think of. Truly there is no limit to the wisdom of Eve O.

18. Now it came to pass that she helped some of the critters to become smart. The smart ones prospered, and became even smarter. Ere long they spread throughout the land; they drove the other critters before them. They were called Yoomins; and they filled the land with mighty works, even Pyramids, and Great Walls, and London.

19. And it came to pass that the Yoomins had dominion over every creepy thing that creepeth upon the Earth. Or thought they did. And whether it was good or not remains to be seen.


How to Blog the Quran

1. Read the verse.

2. Stand on your head, squint, read backwards, anything to make sense of it.

3. Go to the experts, see what all the important Islamic scholars say, get lots of totally contradictory opinions, try to sort out which ones are full of crap.

4. Give up.

5. Write stupid shit, hit 'post'.