Fight! Fight! Fight!

Our story so far

(2:190) Fight, but don't be aggressive.
(191) Kill them wherever you find them, and kick them out of wherever they kicked you out of. Persecution is worse than killing. Don't fight by their temple unless they attack; then kill them. That's what non-muslims deserve.
(192) It's good if they stop.
(193) Fight them till there are no more non-muslims. Even if they stop.

[my translations.  Originals are in this post. ]  Moving right along ...

(2:194) (Fighting during) the holy month (if the sanctity) of the holy month (is violated) is (just) retribution. So if you are oppressed, oppress those who oppress you to the same degree, and fear God, and know that God is with those who are pious and follow the right path.

What the hell?  Without all of Yusuf Ali's brackets with extra words, here's that first sentence. 

(194) The holy month of the holy month is retribution.

What kind of grades did old Yusuf get in translator school? That doesn't even make sense. What it's spozed to mean is this:

(194) Fighting during the holy month is OK.  Revenge is good.

... Then, some more boring preaching, Judgment day's a-coming, Jews suck, and more jihad;

(216) You have to fight, even if you don't want to.
(217) Them not letting us in their temple is worse than us violating the ceasefire. Persecution is worse than killing. If you leave islam you'll go to hell.
(218) if you fight you'll go to heaven.

There's a tangent about booze, Aunt Flo and divorce, then he throws in another “Fight in the way of God”(244). How does god fight? Well, when Noah's d00ds pissed him off, he killed EVERY LIVING THING ON THE PLANET, so that's a clue.  (246-252) tells about Saul, and Goliath, emphasis on a small force defeating a larger force, he's very warlike, sounds like a military leader cheerleading troops into battle.

What the hell? What's going on here? Where's the love? Can “God, most Gracious, most Compassionate" be telling us to kill each other, ignore treaties, and be all Hatfields and McCoys?  Oft-Forgiving Most Merciful Allah says infidels deserve to be killed? (191, 193) Sorry, Does. Not. Compute. FAIL!

OK, try a different strategy. It's Mohammed laying out rules for his peeps so that they'll be all moral and shit out there in the desert where the tribes were all Godfathery anyway.  So always get revenge (194), homes, don't let no other gang disrespect you, you gotta kill them if they diss you. And by diss I mean not let you into their temple in Mecca (191, 217).

Huh?  Seems like after you'd swore off being a pagan, their old pagan temple is the last place you'd want to be. Lemme tell ya, I never had any urge to set foot in a Catholic church again after I grew up and moved out. Apparently if they forbid you from doing anything, they're persecuting you and you should kill them. My neighbor doesn't want me to go in his house and raid his fridge when the beer gets low, so ZOMG, PERSECUTION!  He must die!

Speaking of “prevent access to the Sacred Mosque” (217), the Saudis won't let non-muslims near the place, so I guess we should nuke the fuck out of Saudi Arabia, huh, and “expel them from where they have expelled us” (191). Or not.  Sorry, Epic FAIL!

Let's try strategy #3. One of those whack jobs that think god talks to them is telling his groupies what he wants and he's using the old god shtick for a talking point.  Now that adds up, but why is he so militant all of a sudden?  He was a bust preaching in Mecca, the peeps got so sick of him they were all GTFO, but he caught a lucky break when some wannabes from Medina were better preachers than him, and got up a fan club, and took him in. He tried to enlist the jews there, had to give up on that. It's time for a Brand New Plan, be Dick Cheney, go over to the Dark Side. Remember I said he had a new source of income?

(stay tuned)