Koran Fu Fighting

Chapter 2, lines 190-194.  Jihad!!!   WhooHoo!!!
He was talking about fasting, and all of a sudden he says to fight. What?

(2:190) Fight those in the way of God who fight you, but do not be aggressive: God does not like aggressors.

Oh, shit, he's changed the damned topic again. I guess. Unless somebody's trying to force me to eat. Lessee, we're spozed to fight in the way of god, not just any old way. Drunken Monkey style is out, grasshopper, we must use God Fu, and none other. But who are we spozed to fight?

(191) And fight those (who fight you) wheresoever you find them, and expel them from the place they had turned you out from.

Well OK, if they're fighting me I don't think I'll have a hard time finding them, I'll just look on the other end of their Fist of Death. I was wondering why they are fighting me in the first place (did I do sumpthin bad?), so thanks for clearing that up. They turned me out, those meanies. One time I got turned out from a bar for being drunk and disorderly (well, “dry humping on the dance floor” is how they put it, but still). I reckon I should go back there and open a can of whoopass on them fellas, huh?

Oppression is worse than killing.

Wait, WHAT? What? Just what? I am unable to parse this sentence. Just continue.

Do not fight them by the Holy Mosque unless they fight you there. If they do, then slay them:

Huh? Are you on crack, God? If they fight me Imma fight them back, mosque or no mosque. Again I ask, why would they fight me in the first place? I have never dry humped in a mosque, honest. Truth to tell, I've never set foot in a mosque, wet or dry. If it means getting into some Crouching Tiger, Leaping Lizard scenario I've got a better idea—don't fucking go there. Slay them? Are serious? WTF? How about I just leave instead?

Such is the requital for unbelievers.

Now what? I gotta go slay all the damn unbelievers? Jesus Christ, you know how long that'd take? There's billions of them fuckers. There's billions of them by the Holy Mosque from the looks of it. I'd be slaying 24/7 for the rest of my life. Whyncha slay 'em yer own self?

(192) But if they desist, God is forgiving and kind.

Oh, cool, if they don't fight me I don't have to slay them. Goody, cuz that's a real mood killer. If they don't desist is god still forgiving and kind, like if I keep on dryhumping and they keep on turning me out? If I still have to slay them it kind of takes the fun out of it. How about I just behave myself and instead of turning me out they buy me a drink and we all go home and have threesomes? Copacetic?

(193) Fight them till sedition comes to end, and

Say what? Sedition? Why you gotta bring politics into this? Nobody's gonna be overthrowing any government while they're in my bedroom lemme tell ya. I'll tie them to the bedposts. Some to think of it ... never mind. What does this even MEAN? Hilali-Khan, help me out here, give me a better translation, please!

193) And fight them until there is no more Fitnah (disbelief and worshipping of others along with Allah) and (all and every kind of) worship is for Allah (Alone). But if they cease, let there be no transgression except against Az-Zalimun (the polytheists, and wrong-doers, etc.)

Damn, you are really harshin' my buzz, y'know? Even if I went back to that bar and slew everybody till they worshiped Allah (good luck with that!) I still have to go around transgressing. You have issues, bub. You want me to fight against the polytheists even if they cease fighting against me? Forget you, they weren't doing that in the first place (well, when I acted like an asshole). I'll just stay out of your dumb mosque, not fight anybody, pick up that hunky polytheist at the corner table, go home and be all aggressive, just not the way you're thinking.