How Do I Worship Thee

Koran keeps telling us to do this,
2:83 Worship no one but God,
2:126 ...worship;
2:129 bla bla bla worship

OH NOES, kitteh, look:
31:13 “false worship is indeed the highest wrong-doing."
But how the hell do you do it right? What the hell is it, anyway? Maybe something the Army could teach you? Put a DI up there on the parade ground with a bullhorn, yelling, “Awrite maggots, lissen up. Next drill, 10 pushups. Ready, EXECUTE!” and all the recruits drop for ten. “Awrite! Next drill, Worship! Ready, EXECUTE!” And the recruits... ... umm ... do what, exactly?

Muslims bow towards Mecca. If you're a little off and your prayer misses, do you go to hell? Would laser sights help? Should you allow for windage? What if god's out of the office? If he goes off to take a crap does he put your prayer on hold, or do you just miss and get sent to hell?

They also repeat words a lot. Reciting the Hell Merry and Arf Ather for the nuns got really boring, so I spiced it up by working out math problems. I'd try to work out 34 times 56 before I got to the end of the prayer. Did it still count? D'ya suppose god appreciated my extra effort? We even did some prayers in foreign languages, just like the moslems: “Anne Dominic vove his cum, et cum's beery tutu, oh.” Bet THAT made god feel better.

In church people listen to speeches, but I don't think Richard Dawkin's praying when he speaks. Sometimes they sing, but I don't think Slayer's praying when they belt one out. Some people say your thoughts matter. You express gratitude (Thank you Jesus), hope (Lord, please ... ) and awe (God, ur great). So apparently, when you fix a leaky faucet you pray, “Goddamn, I'm glad I found this washer; hope the summbitch works. There, it does: fucking awesome!” Unless you think you're god though, talking to yourself doesn't seem like it'd count. You might be sharing it with others, like this atheist thanksgiving prayer. Does this count?

Some people say you need a sense of the transcendent, like the barmaid

Every time I go out in my backyard I gaze at the trees with awe and reverence. Does that mean I'm praying? To what? The trees? The rain cycle? Hydrogen? This whole worship thing seems like an unsolvable problem. To hell with it.

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