Cosmological Argument

the God of Electricity

Way long time ago, even before there was TV, cavemen looked up at the sky at lightning, and thunder, and would have peed their pants except they didn't have pants yet, but they were scared, and they wondered what caused it. No one knew, so they all just looked at each other. Some people said, “there must be big invisible dudes up there making that happen”, and everybody laughed at them and said, “Well, that's really stupid.” But nobody knew; maybe it wasn't.

Then along came a jerk who somehow convinced everybody he did know, and they all followed him when he said “It is a “god” with a mighty forge, and the sparks from his hammer are the lightning”, until some other guy came along to kick his ass, and say “It's a “god” driving a fiery chariot”, and they all followed him for a while. As time went on, the descriptions of what this “god” thing was got stupider and stupider, but everybody all agreed that the thing that caused lightning, whatever it was, was a “god”. A lot of people died arguing over the details of what that god was like.

After a few thousand years of this, somebody got the idea to actually test god, the cause of lightning, and when they did they found out that the god of lightning wasn't a fiery chariot or a heavenly forge or a the cigarette butts of invisible critters at all, it was positive and negative charges on …. oh, whatever, the details are all technical and boring. Thing is, this was a new description of “god” that had never been proposed before.

Nothing new there, but it was one that couldn't be dismissed by killing the guys who proposed it—that was new. The “electromagnetism” description of the god of lightning held up no matter how many people you burned at the stake, plus you got electric lights, so the priestly caste had to come up with a new strategy to hold on to all the loot they'd conned out of the peasants over the centuries.

They did it by separating things into natural and supernatural. Up till then you could look at lightning and say “OMG, it's an ineffably beautiful expression of the immutable laws of nature at work that fills me with humility, awe and gratitude and makes me want to express my overwhelming feelings in praise and glorification”. After that you could only say “Meh, it's just a natural phenomena, electric charges, no big deal.”

They'd changed the rules.

For hundreds of thousands of years we'd wondered what was up there causing lightning, that we were calling god, and when we finally found out we should have been shouting it from the rooftops “Yay. We finally figured out what god is!”

Instead of being honest about it, though, they changed the definition. “God” was no longer the whatever-it-was that caused lightning, all of a sudden it was some convoluted phantasm that didn't make any sense unless you were one of the priests, and boy would they charge you to explain it.

Natural is just another word for real, so anything that was real, all of a sudden they had to disrespect it. You could only use respectful language, full of awe and reverence, when you talked about their new “super”-natural that they called sacred. Everything else was just boring, even evil, natural stuff that they called profane. It was wrong, they said, to use sacred language to talk about the profane natural world.

This worked for a couple thousand years, but it's getting to where nobody buys it anymore. As we watch their sad little “super”-natural god retreat into the gaps, we know too much about how ineffably beautiful, complex and awesome the natural gods are, and how worthy of our reverence, just as we thought all along, back in those caves, about the god of electricity.

How Do I Worship Thee

Koran keeps telling us to do this,

2:83 Worship no one but God,
2:126 ...worship;
2:129 bla bla bla worship

OH NOES, kitteh, look:

31:13 “false worship is indeed the highest wrong-doing."

But how the hell do you do it right? What the hell is it, anyway? Maybe something the Army could teach you? Put a DI up there on the parade ground with a bullhorn, yelling, “Awrite maggots, lissen up. Next drill, 10 pushups. Ready, EXECUTE!” and all the recruits drop for ten. “Awrite! Next drill, Worship! Ready, EXECUTE!” And the recruits... ... umm ... do what, exactly?

Muslims bow towards Mecca. If you're a little off and your prayer misses, do you go to hell? Would laser sights help? Should you allow for windage? What if god's out of the office? If he goes off to take a crap does he put your prayer on hold, or do you just miss and get sent to hell?

They also repeat words a lot. Reciting the Hell Merry and Arf Ather for the nuns got really boring, so I spiced it up by working out math problems. I'd try to work out 34 times 56 before I got to the end of the prayer. Did it still count? D'ya suppose god appreciated my extra effort? We even did some prayers in foreign languages, just like the moslems: “Anne Dominic vove his cum, et cum's beery tutu, oh.” Bet THAT made god feel better.

In church people listen to speeches, but I don't think Richard Dawkin's praying when he speaks. Sometimes they sing, but I don't think Slayer's praying when they belt one out. Some people say your thoughts matter. You express gratitude (Thank you Jesus), hope (Lord, please ... ) and awe (God, ur great). So apparently, when you fix a leaky faucet you pray, “Goddamn, I'm glad I found this washer; hope the summbitch works. There, it does: fucking awesome!” Unless you think you're god though, talking to yourself doesn't seem like it'd count. You might be sharing it with others, like this atheist thanksgiving prayer. Does this count?

Some people say you need a sense of the transcendent, like the barmaid

Every time I go out in my backyard I gaze at the trees with awe and reverence. Does that mean I'm praying? To what? The trees? The rain cycle? Hydrogen? This whole worship thing seems like an unsolvable problem. To hell with it.

The Fable of Atheism

1. In the beginning, the tribe of Hesed dwelt in the land; On a dark and stormy night, Hesed turned his gaze to the heavens and beheld the flashing of great lights, and to his ears came mighty roarings so that the earth shook. The people were sore afraid, and trembled.

2. And they beseeched Hesed, saying “What is this that shakes the earth, and lights up the sky?”

3. Hesed spoke to his people, saying “Verily, thy eyes tell you there are lights, and thy ears hear sounds, yet when is there a sound with no creature who maketh that sound? Surely there are great Things In The Sky that maketh such sounds, greater even than the snores of Oog.”

4. They cried out “O great Hesed, tell us who art these great T.I.T.S., for we see no one?” and Hesed replied they are not for our eyes to see, being holy, and way up there in the sky.

5. They cried out, “Great Hesed, we are filled with fear; for behold they have turned Numnutz, who climbeth the mountain, into a right crispy critter, verily.

6. Hesed answered, “The TITS who bringeth the lightning are called Zoose, the mighty one who lives in the sky. Though ye see him not, Zoose looks down on all the earth and sees all that ye do. When he sees that which displeases him, his all-seeing eyes shoot mighty blasts of light to destroy that which pisses him off, and His wrathful voice roars that all shalt know his rage. Truly, beware the mighty Zoose.”

7. The people cried out in fear and trembling “Holy shit, that's scary.” and Hesed spoke in a calm voice saying, “Have no fear, my people, for great Zoose hath appeared to me in a dream, and showed me what is pleasing to his eyes. Thou must simply pay me with great wealth and underage girls, that I might protect you from his righteous wrath.”

8. So it came to pass that the people bowed and followed Hesed, giving him part of all they possessed, and their daughters, that he bringeth them safety from the fearsome TITS. And so it was for many generations.

9. Every people beheld the lightning, and the thunder, and knew there were great TITS, and they called them 'gods'. Each tribe bestowed upon them a name, and told tales of how they made thunder and lightning, and what sacrifices they must pony up for their priests to keep them happy. The tribes, each in their day, said the others were wrong, and sinners, and killed them.

10. Stupiter was the name given to the gods by the tribe of Shesed, and they said that He worked a mighty forge in the heavens, whose sparks were the lightning, and thunder the sound of His terrible hammer as it struck.

11. They went into the land of the tribe of Hesed, where the people mingled; and they saw men of the tribe of Hesed give their crops and their daughters to the priests of Zoose, and they said “Why do you do this thing, for it is kind of dumb?”

12. Hesed gave them answer, saying “We give for the glory of Zoose, who lives in the sky and shoots the lighting from His all-seeing eye, whose voice is the thunder, and who will get you if you don't watch out.”

13. “Blasphemy!” cried Shesed, “Truly thou art an evil people. Stupiter is god's name; He works his mighty forge in the heavens, whose sparks are the lightning, and thunder is the sound of his terrible hammer as it strikes. Verily, thy TITS are fake.”

14. Thus arose enmity between Hesed and Shesed, even unto this day, and their people joined in and killed one another, and there was war throughout the land; War between the Zoosians and the Stupiterians; Then war with the Baalers, the Panners, the Mithrans,and the Ramans. After that war with the Zoroastrians, the Christians, the Moslems, and the Moonies.

15. It came to pass that a new tribe arose and prospered, taking for themselves the name Alecktrishens. They too beheld the great TITS, and named them a Leck-Trisidi, not one god but many, invisible, made of many lesser gods called Adams, each Adam served by yet lesser godlings called Aleck Trawns. And the Aleck Trawns were mighty and wrought great works.

16. Amongst the tribe of Alecktrishens were no priests, and they sacrificed not their beasts nor their virgin daughters, but protected their people with lightning rods instead. They feared not their god Leck-Trisidi, but served it with great awe and respect, except for a few dumb ones who stuck their fingers in light sockets, and that put the fear of god into them, verily.

17. The god Leck-Trisidi found pleasing the works of this tribe and served them well, blessing them with electric motors, neon lights, and telephones; and the people built Teevees and Peecees, as shrines at which to worship. And the tribe prospered.

18. Disbelievers there are who say “There are no gods.” How foolish! Behold they not the thunder and the lightning? Deny they that mighty invisible TITS cause these things, and all the heavens and the earth? Truly, we know that Leck-Trisidi is one such.

19. Some follow gods others than great Leck-Trisidi, yet truly they labor in the dark. Even when the godlings Aleck Trawn work wonders before their eyes, to bless them with HiDef, they give thanks instead to imaginary lords. They petition the lord with prayer and sacrifice, and hope these idols will do their bidding, but their prayers bring not a Peecee.

20. We who know petition the Alecktrons with magnets and wires, and a few choice swear words, and they do our bidding at will. Nay, their gods are but figments, while Leck-Trisidi truly is one of the great TITS, ruling together with her sister Magna-Tism, and holding dominion with the gods Graeviti, Strawgfors, and Weekfors, and their offspring Homio-stasis, Fodos-Intuhsus, Trancpir-Ayshin and many others.

21. Truly, only blasphemers say that these gods exist not, or rule not. Respect them; study them; follow them; abuse not the other tribes, nor the underage daughters.

What's God?

So, ... the koran keeps telling me all about god. The Mo-men tell me it wrote a book, the Jesus people tell me it has a son. The atheists say it doesn't exist, the Hindus say it has different forms. Well, I have a question.

What is it?

What the fuck IS god, anyway?