The Fable of Atheism

1. In the beginning, the tribe of Hesed dwelt in the land; On a dark and stormy night, Hesed turned his gaze to the heavens and beheld the flashing of great lights, and to his ears came mighty roarings so that the earth shook. The people were sore afraid, and trembled.

2. And they beseeched Hesed, saying “What is this that shakes the earth, and lights up the sky?”

3. Hesed spoke to his people, saying “Verily, thy eyes tell you there are lights, and thy ears hear sounds, yet when is there a sound with no creature who maketh that sound? Surely there are great Things In The Sky that maketh such sounds, greater even than the snores of Oog.”

4. They cried out “O great Hesed, tell us who art these great T.I.T.S., for we see no one?” and Hesed replied they are not for our eyes to see, being holy, and way up there in the sky.

5. They cried out, “Great Hesed, we are filled with fear; for behold they have turned Numnutz, who climbeth the mountain, into a right crispy critter, verily.

6. Hesed answered, “The TITS who bringeth the lightning are called Zoose, the mighty one who lives in the sky. Though ye see him not, Zoose looks down on all the earth and sees all that ye do. When he sees that which displeases him, his all-seeing eyes shoot mighty blasts of light to destroy that which pisses him off, and His wrathful voice roars that all shalt know his rage. Truly, beware the mighty Zoose.”

7. The people cried out in fear and trembling “Holy shit, that's scary.” and Hesed spoke in a calm voice saying, “Have no fear, my people, for great Zoose hath appeared to me in a dream, and showed me what is pleasing to his eyes. Thou must simply pay me with great wealth and underage girls, that I might protect you from his righteous wrath.”

8. So it came to pass that the people bowed and followed Hesed, giving him part of all they possessed, and their daughters, that he bringeth them safety from the fearsome TITS. And so it was for many generations.

9. Every people beheld the lightning, and the thunder, and knew there were great TITS, and they called them 'gods'. Each tribe bestowed upon them a name, and told tales of how they made thunder and lightning, and what sacrifices they must pony up for their priests to keep them happy. The tribes, each in their day, said the others were wrong, and sinners, and killed them.

10. Stupiter was the name given to the gods by the tribe of Shesed, and they said that He worked a mighty forge in the heavens, whose sparks were the lightning, and thunder the sound of His terrible hammer as it struck.

11. They went into the land of the tribe of Hesed, where the people mingled; and they saw men of the tribe of Hesed give their crops and their daughters to the priests of Zoose, and they said “Why do you do this thing, for it is kind of dumb?”

12. Hesed gave them answer, saying “We give for the glory of Zoose, who lives in the sky and shoots the lighting from His all-seeing eye, whose voice is the thunder, and who will get you if you don't watch out.”

13. “Blasphemy!” cried Shesed, “Truly thou art an evil people. Stupiter is god's name; He works his mighty forge in the heavens, whose sparks are the lightning, and thunder is the sound of his terrible hammer as it strikes. Verily, thy TITS are fake.”

14. Thus arose enmity between Hesed and Shesed, even unto this day, and their people joined in and killed one another, and there was war throughout the land; War between the Zoosians and the Stupiterians; Then war with the Baalers, the Panners, the Mithrans,and the Ramans. After that war with the Zoroastrians, the Christians, the Moslems, and the Moonies.

15. It came to pass that a new tribe arose and prospered, taking for themselves the name Alecktrishens. They too beheld the great TITS, and named them a Leck-Trisidi, not one god but many, invisible, made of many lesser gods called Adams, each Adam served by yet lesser godlings called Aleck Trawns. And the Aleck Trawns were mighty and wrought great works.

16. Amongst the tribe of Alecktrishens were no priests, and they sacrificed not their beasts nor their virgin daughters, but protected their people with lightning rods instead. They feared not their god Leck-Trisidi, but served it with great awe and respect, except for a few dumb ones who stuck their fingers in light sockets, and that put the fear of god into them, verily.

17. The god Leck-Trisidi found pleasing the works of this tribe and served them well, blessing them with electric motors, neon lights, and telephones; and the people built Teevees and Peecees, as shrines at which to worship. And the tribe prospered.

18. Disbelievers there are who say “There are no gods.” How foolish! Behold they not the thunder and the lightning? Deny they that mighty invisible TITS cause these things, and all the heavens and the earth? Truly, we know that Leck-Trisidi is one such.

19. Some follow gods others than great Leck-Trisidi, yet truly they labor in the dark. Even when the godlings Aleck Trawn work wonders before their eyes, to bless them with HiDef, they give thanks instead to imaginary lords. They petition the lord with prayer and sacrifice, and hope these idols will do their bidding, but their prayers bring not a Peecee.

20. We who know petition the Alecktrons with magnets and wires, and a few choice swear words, and they do our bidding at will. Nay, their gods are but figments, while Leck-Trisidi truly is one of the great TITS, ruling together with her sister Magna-Tism, and holding dominion with the gods Graeviti, Strawgfors, and Weekfors, and their offspring Homio-stasis, Fodos-Intuhsus, Trancpir-Ayshin and many others.

21. Truly, only blasphemers say that these gods exist not, or rule not. Respect them; study them; follow them; abuse not the other tribes, nor the underage daughters.


PersonalFailure said...

Hey, you're using the Peecee right now, aren't you? Verily you blaspheme the great Leck-Trisidi by using his gifts without paying him tribute!

Anna Sethe said...

Have you seen this contest? I'm not sure if your story really qualifies as a creation myth, but it's definitely funny :D

Anonymous said...

You had me until that nonsense at the end about not abusing the blasphemer's underage daughters. We Aleck-trisical Anjin-airs (high priests skilled in the art of taming the natural ether, Leck-Trisidi, and bending it to man's will) have enough trouble scoring with babes as it is. Now you tell me that we can't use our unnantural powers to scam the non-beleiving, blaspeming fools' (led by the Manaj-Ment Tribe) into letting us shag their hot little cuties? BULLoney! Maybe I'll look into this Islam thing a little deeper. It looks promising.

jemimaaslana said...

LMAO, this is so awesome. Absolutely hysterical. I think I freaked my cat out laughing so loud.