Mohammed's Magical Mystery Move

So three quarters of the way through the Koran, Mo has been a total dud at preaching in Mecca, and it looks like he'll fade off into obscurity as just another two-bit self-styled prophet, like so many many many others.

But wait! Since all the locals had him pegged for a whack job, Mo focused on pitching to people from out of town. He sold a few guys from Medina who were there on a pilgrimage, and when they came back the next year there were twelve of them. Mohammed, in a great burst of un-originality, drew up a list of ten “thous shalt”s for them to sign—the 1st Pledge of Aqaba. It's like the ten commandments: No other gods, no adultery, don't steal, don't bear false witness, no infanticide; and get this one:

“We shall always follow you and obey your decisions.” HUH? That's not god they're promising to, it's Mohammed. How the fuck did he get them to agree to a thing like that, especially when he couldn't convince anybody else? There had to be something seriously wrong with those people.

Whatever it was, it worked, cause they came back the next year. This is 622, when people were throwing rocks at Mo and they had to sneak around in the middle of the night for a meeting, and guess what? This time there's 75 of them! That's more than Mo had his own self. Man, Lady Luck didn't just smile at him; she stripped, laid down, spread her legs, licked her nipples and moaned. Mo didn't hold back, he drew up the 2nd Pledge, aka the “Pledge of War.” Basically, Mohammed agreed to move to Medina with them if they would agree to fight for him. One guy even warned them that "In swearing allegiance to him, you are pledging yourselves to wage war against all mankind", but they were all “We are men of war” HOO-AH! Fuck Yeah!

This is just another one of the intertribal alliances the Arabs lived by. The first thing Mo asked the Medinans was that they protect him “as they do their wives and children.” From who? His enemies were his own tribesmen, from Mecca; he betrayed his own kinsmen to join forces with another tribe. That was the worst thing you could do in 7th C. Arabia, but I guess he had nothing to lose since by then they all hated him anyway. He learned the lesson of the Jesus in the Garden; none of this give yourself up to be crucified shit for this prophet, no sirree!

Then while the devil was packing up his soul and writing a receipt, Mo appointed twelve disciples to ride herd on the others. Why? Because “you are a surity for them, as the disciples were for Jesus, son of Mary, and I am for my people." OMFG, could he get any more transparent? He got an army, the army got a Jesus wannabe. Who falls for this shit?

1 comment:

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