Thanksgiving Prayers

It's time for a Thanksgiving feast, held to express gratitude for our blessings at the end of the harvest season. Before the meal tradition is to give a short prayer, grace or blessing of thanks to God . Here's mine.

Screw God, I'm thanking the Turkey. When he said "this is my flesh," he wasn't fucking around.

Or if you're classy, my Thanksgiving Unprayer:

On this day,
when Earth tilts away from the Sun
and the world lies dormant,
it's appropriate to pause for a moment
and express appreciation for all that we have.

To express awe and reverence for the
nuclear furnace that formed this planet from interstellar dust,
the natural processes that organized its elements
into the carbon we are made of, and water,
that enables life to exist, to reproduce itself,
to be mobile, and conscious,
so we are able to appreciate our good fortune.

To thank our predecessors who
developed eyes to see the sunrise,
ears to hear music,
brains to understand
and a society to share all this.

Thank our fellow beings,
who share this earth
and who produce the oxygen we breathe,
the food we eat, the medicines we need,
and provide us with companionship.

Thank our ancestors who
freed us from superstition,
learned about the world
and passed on their knowledge
so that we enjoy the luxuries of our modern lives.

On a personal level, we thank
our parents for bringing us into this world,
and those who are here to share this day with us,
and not least, this fellow creature,
who gave up its life
so that we might continue on
in this great cycle we celebrate.

How Do I Worship Thee

Koran keeps telling us to do this,

2:83 Worship no one but God,
2:126 ...worship;
2:129 bla bla bla worship

OH NOES, kitteh, look:

31:13 “false worship is indeed the highest wrong-doing."

But how the hell do you do it right? What the hell is it, anyway? Maybe something the Army could teach you? Put a DI up there on the parade ground with a bullhorn, yelling, “Awrite maggots, lissen up. Next drill, 10 pushups. Ready, EXECUTE!” and all the recruits drop for ten. “Awrite! Next drill, Worship! Ready, EXECUTE!” And the recruits... ... umm ... do what, exactly?

Muslims bow towards Mecca. If you're a little off and your prayer misses, do you go to hell? Would laser sights help? Should you allow for windage? What if god's out of the office? If he goes off to take a crap does he put your prayer on hold, or do you just miss and get sent to hell?

They also repeat words a lot. Reciting the Hell Merry and Arf Ather for the nuns got really boring, so I spiced it up by working out math problems. I'd try to work out 34 times 56 before I got to the end of the prayer. Did it still count? D'ya suppose god appreciated my extra effort? We even did some prayers in foreign languages, just like the moslems: “Anne Dominic vove his cum, et cum's beery tutu, oh.” Bet THAT made god feel better.

In church people listen to speeches, but I don't think Richard Dawkin's praying when he speaks. Sometimes they sing, but I don't think Slayer's praying when they belt one out. Some people say your thoughts matter. You express gratitude (Thank you Jesus), hope (Lord, please ... ) and awe (God, ur great). So apparently, when you fix a leaky faucet you pray, “Goddamn, I'm glad I found this washer; hope the summbitch works. There, it does: fucking awesome!” Unless you think you're god though, talking to yourself doesn't seem like it'd count. You might be sharing it with others, like this atheist thanksgiving prayer. Does this count?

Some people say you need a sense of the transcendent, like the barmaid

Every time I go out in my backyard I gaze at the trees with awe and reverence. Does that mean I'm praying? To what? The trees? The rain cycle? Hydrogen? This whole worship thing seems like an unsolvable problem. To hell with it.

Where's Allah?

Man, there's a lotta stuff in chapter 2. Here's another one.

(2:143) The foolish will now ask and say: "What has made the faithful turn away from the Qiblah towards which they used to pray?"

OK, I'm foolish, I'll ask, “What the fuck is a qiblah? Why are you praying towards it? Is it god? Why turn away from it? Lemmee guess: the qibla is a meteorite, you've been worshiping it since you were a little pagan baby, and you turned away from it because you grew up and came to your senses.

(rest of 143) Say: "To God belong the East and the West. He guides who so wills to the path that is straight."

Oh.

Yeah, say that. It clears things right up. Once again, time to set down the Perfect, Complete and Detailed Word of God and go ask what the hell it's trying to say. Google to the rescue!

(google google google google)

Oh damn! Epic Fail for me, I wasn't even close!

A qiblah is the direction you face when you pray. Mohammed, being a pagan polytheist for most of his life, prayed towards the pussy-shaped meteor in the Kaaba. Highly appropriate, I'd say. After he moved to Medina and wanted to suck up to the Jews, he changed the qiblah, told everybody to face Jerusalem like they did. But they weren't dumb enough to join his cult, so after while he got pissed at them and changed it back. That's what these lines are all about.

(2:146) Even though you bring all the proof to the people of the Book they will not face the direction you turn to, nor you theirs, nor will they follow each other's direction. And if you follow their whims after all the knowledge that has reached you, then surely you will be among transgressors

(2:145) We have seen you turn your face to the heavens. We shall turn you to a Qiblah that will please you. So turn towards the Holy Mosque, and turn towards it wherever you be ...

(2:150) Wherever you come from turn towards the Holy Mosque: This in truth is from your Lord. ...

(2:151) Whichever place you come from turn towards the Holy Mosque, and wherever you are, turn your faces towards it

His cultists must have been all “WTF, dude? Where's god this week? Why's he keep moving around?” cuz Mo felt like he had to explain himself,

(2:144) ... We decreed the Qiblah which you faced before that We may know who follow the Apostle and who turn away in haste. And this was a hard (test) except for those who were guided by God.

Ha, just testing you! The old 'I knew that, I just wanted to see if you knew' bit, like the dorky kids pulled in fifth grade. His guys fell for that? What are they, twelve?

And what's with turning his face towards the heavens? That's supposed to mean he was all conflicted about this qibla business and looking to allah to help him out. He wants something from god, he looks up in the heavens. Sounds like he thinks god's up there, so why'd he tell his cult to face the kaaba? Sounds like a scam to me; he knows where god hangs out, but he's keeping it on the down low.

(2:116) To God belong the East and the West. Wherever you turn the glory of God is everywhere: All-pervading is He and all-knowing.

(2:177) Piety does not lie in turning your face to East or West:

Notice the numbers of these lines? One is before the change, back when he was aiming his schnoz at the sky and asking for guidance, and the other one is way after the change. He knows damn well it doesn't matter what direction you face, he's just jerking people around, building himself up as god's mouthpiece, standard religious con game right out of Cult Leading for Dummies, page 171. Or, could it be, the Koran is a jumbled up mess where nothing is in any order?

Yeah it could. But I figured out why chapter two is so damn long. Even though it's the first revelation after the move, it covers a whole couple of years, because Mo was in Medina for like a year and a half before he gave up on the Jews changed the qibla.

Qibla my arse. Did you know there's even Qibla Locators online, that'll tell you the exact direction to aim your prayers? Srsly. Here's an idea, prayer rugs with laser sights, so your prayers'll hit god every time. You shouldn't have to burn in hell just because you're a lousy shot.

PS. Just when I thought Islam can't get any sillier, I found this:

Lovemaking is best done with the heads facing the qibla.”

>ROFLMAO! Can't ty[e mfore. Laaffaing too harred ..................

Koran Ten Commandments

I found something good in the Koran! It's like finding water in the desert, or one last beer in the back of the fridge. As soon as Sura 17 gets the Jews settled on their real estate, it starts rattling off a list of do and don'ts, almost like Mo was repeating the ten commandments. It starts out with the same old tired “don't worship anybody but me me me” crap, but mentioning that's in the koran is like saying there's air, so I left that one off and I shortened up the others so they''re more readable.

23 be good to your parents
26 don't be a spendthrift
29 don't be a tightwad
31 take care of your children
32 don't adulter
33 don't murder
34 don't steal from orphans
35 don't cheat
36 don't be ignorant.
37 don't be insolent

That's ten. It's not a bad list. Not great, but for Mo, it's Wow, a moment of clarity! Then it's almost like he's embarassed himself by being civilized, because the rest of chapter 17 is a mass of contradictions and wierdness.
Verse 40 is another slam at Uzza, (that's me! prick!) and 42 is just stupid:

40. Has God chosen to give you sons, and taken for Himself daughters from among the angels? You utter grievous things indeed!
42. Say: "Had there been other gods with Him, as they assert, they would surely have sought a way (of opposition) against the Lord of the Throne."

If they exist at all, y'unnerstand, they'll fight. It looks like Mohammed just had no idea that people could coexist without trying to kill each other--he sure couldn't. Here's more logic and justice;

45. When you recite the Qur'an, We place a hidden veil between you and those who do not believe in the Hereafter;
46. And We put covers over their hearts and deafness in their ears that they should not understand it.

There he goes again. The book that he sent down to tell people how to behave, he purposely prevents them from understanding it so he can send them to hell. What a guy!

Then comes some more whining about how nobody believes Mo, and it says this:

53 Tell My creatures only to speak words that are good. ROFL!

Word, dude! Tell them that!

Verse 55 says “We exalted some of the prophets over the others;” which is odd, because in 2:285 he said “We make no distinction between the apostles,” so that clears that up. Well yeah it does, in a Quranic sorta way. It's Islamic Logic! If you haven't lost hope by this point, here's the clincher:

58. There is not a habitation We shall not destroy before the Day of Resurrection, or not inflict severe punishment upon it. This is in accordance with the law (of God).

Got that? EVERYbody will be punished. Not just the bad people, EVERYBODY. So there's no use being good, god is going to fuck you up no matter what. How's that for motivation? Might as well go smoke some crack, eh? Then he talks about Thamud and Iblis again, NAM, and says some weird shit about prayer. First, tells you to pray five times a day ... I guess ...

78. Observe the service of prayer from the sun's declining from the meridian to the darkening of the night, and the recitation at dawn. Indeed the Recitation at dawn is palpably evident.
79. Say a supererogatory prayer at the hour of the first watch: Your Lord may raise you to a most exalted station.

Did you get five times out of that? I can't, but what the hell. Next he tells you what to say when you pray

80. And pray: "O my Lord, let my entry be with honour, and let my exit be with honour, and grant me power from You which would help (sustain) me."
81. And say: "Truth has come and falsehood nullified."

From what I've heard, that's not what Moslems say when they pray, but I gotta admit I ain't no expert on prayin'. The rest of the sura is just more NAM and WIFL, Moses, Jews get Israel, slams the Christians again. Nothing new in there. But hey, that ten commandments part was not too shabby. I liked it.

Ejaculations

The koran keeps doing this weird thing where it'll say something, and then it'll add a blurb like, verily, He is clement, forgiving. Sometimes they are separate, other times the translators use a semi-colon or a comma so you'll think it's part of the sentence. Here's one. In 35:27 it says god made everything—earth, fruit, cattle—so smart people fear god. That's none too logical, but then it tacks on that god is almighty and all-forgiving. Almighty, sure if he made the world, but what's with forgiving? For what? Same question as before, still no answer; and if he's forgiving that's even less reason to fear him. This would have made sense if they tacked it onto the previous line: GWYU, so fear him. But that would be logical.

It does it again in v39/41. After claiming his god is maintainence man for the heavens, Mo adds that god is forbearing and forgiving ... huh? For the umpteenth time, what's he forgiving? And what's it got to do with maintaining the earth? Is it proof of his forgiving-ness that he doesn't let the earth fall apart? How are these ideas related? I wasted a lot of brain cells trying to link these weird add-ons to the rest of the sentence, but I've finally figured them out. They're ejaculations! An ejaculation is “a short, intense, prayer”, as the nuns in catholic school told us, with completely straight faces, in middle school. LOL.

They don't mean anything, they're just the speaker's emotions overflowing out his mouth. Like Meg Ryan in the picture, or a jihadist yelling “god is great” when he shoots you. There's no point trying to figure out what they mean—just ignore them.