Where's Allah?

Man, there's a lotta stuff in chapter 2. Here's another one.

(2:143) The foolish will now ask and say: "What has made the faithful turn away from the Qiblah towards which they used to pray?"

OK, I'm foolish, I'll ask, “What the fuck is a qiblah? Why are you praying towards it? Is it god? Why turn away from it? Lemmee guess: the qibla is a meteorite, you've been worshiping it since you were a little pagan baby, and you turned away from it because you grew up and came to your senses.

(rest of 143) Say: "To God belong the East and the West. He guides who so wills to the path that is straight."


Yeah, say that. It clears things right up. Once again, time to set down the Perfect, Complete and Detailed Word of God and go ask what the hell it's trying to say. Google to the rescue!

(google google google google)

Oh damn! Epic Fail for me, I wasn't even close!

A qiblah is the direction you face when you pray. Mohammed, being a pagan polytheist for most of his life, prayed towards the pussy-shaped meteor in the Kaaba. Highly appropriate, I'd say. After he moved to Medina and wanted to suck up to the Jews, he changed the qiblah, told everybody to face Jerusalem like they did. But they weren't dumb enough to join his cult, so after while he got pissed at them and changed it back. That's what these lines are all about.

(2:146) Even though you bring all the proof to the people of the Book they will not face the direction you turn to, nor you theirs, nor will they follow each other's direction. And if you follow their whims after all the knowledge that has reached you, then surely you will be among transgressors
(2:145) We have seen you turn your face to the heavens. We shall turn you to a Qiblah that will please you. So turn towards the Holy Mosque, and turn towards it wherever you be ...
(2:150) Wherever you come from turn towards the Holy Mosque: This in truth is from your Lord. ...

(2:151) Whichever place you come from turn towards the Holy Mosque, and wherever you are, turn your faces towards it

His cultists must have been all “WTF, dude? Where's god this week? Why's he keep moving around?” cuz Mo felt like he had to explain himself,

(2:144) ... We decreed the Qiblah which you faced before that We may know who follow the Apostle and who turn away in haste. And this was a hard (test) except for those who were guided by God.

Ha, just testing you! The old 'I knew that, I just wanted to see if you knew' bit, like the dorky kids pulled in fifth grade. His guys fell for that? What are they, twelve?

And what's with turning his face towards the heavens? That's supposed to mean he was all conflicted about this qibla business and looking to allah to help him out. He wants something from god, he looks up in the heavens. Sounds like he thinks god's up there, so why'd he tell his cult to face the kaaba? Sounds like a scam to me; he knows where god hangs out, but he's keeping it on the down low.

(2:116) To God belong the East and the West. Wherever you turn the glory of God is everywhere: All-pervading is He and all-knowing.

(2:177) Piety does not lie in turning your face to East or West:

Notice the numbers of these lines? One is before the change, back when he was aiming his schnoz at the sky and asking for guidance, and the other one is way after the change. He knows damn well it doesn't matter what direction you face, he's just jerking people around, building himself up as god's mouthpiece, standard religious con game right out of Cult Leading for Dummies, page 171. Or, could it be, the Koran is a jumbled up mess where nothing is in any order?

Yeah it could. But I figured out why chapter two is so damn long. Even though it's the first revelation after the move, it covers a whole couple of years, because Mo was in Medina for like a year and a half before he gave up on the Jews changed the qibla.

Qibla my arse. Did you know there's even Qibla Locators online, that'll tell you the exact direction to aim your prayers? Srsly. Here's an idea, prayer rugs with laser sights, so your prayers'll hit god every time. You shouldn't have to burn in hell just because you're a lousy shot.

PS. Just when I thought Islam can't get any sillier, I found this:

Lovemaking is best done with the heads facing the qibla.”

>ROFLMAO! Can't ty[e mfore. Laaffaing too harred ..................


PersonalFailure said...

What blows my mind is is that apparently, intentions count for nothing. If you are thrown in jail, and have no clue as to the direction of the Qibla, Al'lah holds you accountable for not praying in the right direction. I guess your only hope would be to spend all day long praying in every possible direction in the hopes that you would get it right 5 times.

As for the "lovemaking"? You know what breaks the mood faster than having trouble putting on a condom? Whipping out a compass.

mjj said...

And they say the koran has no errors or contradictions! I love it.

Great blog.

LeaveIgnorantPeople said...

To the fools above:

Why do you bother reading from an ignorant? if you got so curious about the Quran enough to ask yourself whether it contains contradictions or not, why cant you go ask the people who have the right knowledge? instead of spending time reading an ignorant person's garbage. There are clear explanations on the issue of the Kaaba, or about where Allah is located. Or why the Quran was revealed the way it was revealed. Or all the other silly rants that are posted above. Go find them!

And NO, you wont get punished if you dont face the right direction when you pray. No, you dont face the kaaba because its God. its here to keep people united, all facing in the same direction. God is not located on earth, or any designated physical space for the matter. And in Islam, lovemaking IS worship -if done according with the right etiquette, i.e lawfully. but NO you dont have to put your head facing the kaaba etc. although its considered disrespectful to (purposely) put your back in the direction of the kaaba, or your feet etc.

Please stop wasting time with ignorants. There will be a day when the fool who wrote those pieces of garbage on this blog will be regretting bitterly all the things he's said. You really dont want to be with him or even anywhere close to him on that day. and the best way for this to happen is by continuing reading his pieces of trash instead of bothering to get your facts straight from the people who are guided. Its really your own choice at the end of the day.