the Magic Cow

Chapter 2, lines 67-71, tell this story:

Moses: “God wants you to sacrifice a cow.”

People: “Are you fucking with us? What kinda cow?”

--- “A middle-aged one.”

--- “Ask god what color.”

--- “A brown one.”

--- “They all look alike.”

--- “God wants one that's in good shape.”

--- “Oh, OK.” And they went and did it.

Another platter of the Quran's House Special, a silly-ass story that makes no sense. He's trying to repeat the buybull story in Deut 21:1-9 where god says how to solve murders. It's CSI: Early Arabia! You know how it is in show biz though, his screenwriters were too heavy on the white stuff, they were all “Cow story. Yeah! Magic cows, man! Let's have them argue about what color it is.” They mixed up this episode with ch19 of the Book of Numbers.

(Numbers 19) 2 ... Speak unto the children of Israel, that they bring thee a red heifer without spot, wherein is no blemish, and upon which never came yoke:
3 And ye shall give her unto Eleazar the priest, that he may bring her forth without the camp, and one shall slay her before his face: ...
7 then the priest shall wash his clothes, and he shall bathe his flesh in water,

So Mohammed's in Medina, trying to appeal to the Jews there by including their very own stories in his sermon. That's good strategy, target your con speech toward your marks audience, but Mo doesn't know the stories very well.

He always fucks them up. Which raises the 1400 year old controversy, was Mo illiterate? I still haven't decided, but here's what I think this week. He could read, so he could run his camel business, in Arabic. But he couldn't read the Jewish scriptures, cuz they were in Ancient Greek. Details? We don't need no stinking details. Why study old books when you can be out converting? If he would've read them he'd at least remember the basic outline of the plot, but he only heard his cousin telling about them, so he gets all mixed up on the details. Comes back to bite him when he can't convert the Jews. See kids? See what happens when you don't do your homework?

You think this stuff is crazy? Ha. I'll meet your crazy, and raise you one Christian and a Jew. Notice that red heifer up there? Because of that one verse sentence clause phrase adjective, there are organized groups of lunatics in Nebraska and Israel both frantically trying to breed a red heifer so they can destroy the world. Y'see, they keep trying to blow up Al-aqsa Mosque and the Dome of the Rock (darn Muslims won't let them) so they can rebuild the Third Temple in Jerusalem, usher in the Second Coming of Christ, set off the battle of Armegeddon, and kill everybody on Earth. To them, this is a good thing. Listen to 'em:

Because there are no ashes of a red heifer with which to purify priests, the only solution would be to find priestly families who are willing to give up their children immediately after their birth for a special mission: to have them raised and prepared in conditions of isolation and purity for at least 13 years, so that they can handle the next red heifer ...”

That, my friends, is a Royal Flush of Crazy. The Bible-thumpers take the pot this round.

Anyway, here's Deut 21:1-9,
1 if you find a dead guy laying out in a field
2 measure how far it is from town.
3 The closest city gets a cow,
4 takes it to a valley, and kills it.
5 Then all the priests and elders stand over it and wash their hands
7 and say “It wasn't us”,
8 and then they're off the hook. (They all go home and have pizza. Meanwhile, the murderer they're all ignoring is off making another hit, but what the hell.)

The fuck?, you ask. What's the koran story even got to do with this one? you ask. Ha! Wait till you see the ending ...

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