How to Revive Dead People

Yeah, the ending of the Magic Cow story. Back in 2:67-71, when Mo is telling how they sacrificed a cow, he gets close to the end and remembers advice from Neal Page; “When you tell one of your little stories, have a point!”

So then, basically, he says “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, there was a murder and they're trying to find out who did it”, and then gives the punch line.

2:72 Remember ye slew a man and fell into a dispute among yourselves as to the crime: But God was to bring forth what ye did hide.
2:73 So We said: "Strike the (body) with a piece of the (heifer)." Thus God bringeth the dead to life and showeth you His Signs: Perchance ye may understand. [Yusuf Ali]

ROFL! This shit is too crazy even for certified Mohammedans to swallow. Ahmed Ali puts a footnote in his translation:

* The use of adribu bi-ba’diha in the original text could literally mean “strike him with some of her,” on the basis of which it has been taken to mean “strike it (the corpse) with some (pieces) of her (the cow).” On the very face this seems not only far-fetched but no sanction exists for such a meaning in the Quran.

I love this. “Far-fetched? The Quran? Nawww. And “sanction”? You mean like when it comes right out and says it?
Look how he translates line 73.

(73) We had pronounced already: "Slay (the murderer) for (taking a life)." Thus God preserves life from death and shows you His signs that you may understand. [Ahmed Ali]

What the hell? Not only does that pull a Transformers on the meaning, with that ending the story doesn't even make sense. You forgot Neal's advice, Ahmed. Lemme help you out, with an official Uzzan translation:

(73) So they did one of those old magic rituals Mohammed believed in from back in his pagan days, and rapped the stiff upside the head with a prime sirloin. Fucker came back to life and told who killed him.

Which was supposed to be the whole point of this story. You're welcome. Sheesh.

We're not done with the zombies yet. There's more zombies. Hordes of zombies. This book seems obsessed with dead critters coming back to life.

2:155 Do not say that those who are killed ... are dead, for indeed they are alive, even though you are not aware.


">2:243Have you never thought of men ... to whom God said: "Die," then restored them to life?


2:260 ... "Take, then, four birds, and draw them towards thee, and cut them in pieces; then place a part of them on every mountain; then call them and they shall come swiftly to thee:

Good luck with that.

2:259 ... And God caused him to die for an hundred years, and then raised him to life. And God said, ... look on the bones of thine ass, how we will raise them, then clothe them with flesh." And when this was shewn to him, he said, "I acknowledge that God hath power to do all things."

I bet he didn't. I bet he said something more like “HOLY FUCK!!!” I would've.


Uruk said...

Man, your posts are too funny. You've got great material upon which to draw.

Anonymous said...

Well, here is a real story of someone who died not once, but twice on the same day, and was brought back to life! --> http://crispysea.blogspot.com/2009/08/great-british-national-health-service.html

Miracle? You betcha! It's called science, and England's NHS.

By the way, the guy is an atheist, and what he saw whilst dead was... well, go and read it by yourself. What he saw was a very sobering thought.