Sex in the Koran

I told you we'd have sex before long, and heeere it is, ladies and sexist pigs. From about line 177, chapter 2 gets all legal eagle, Godhammed starts laying out the law for his d00ds. Lines 178-189 cover revenge, wills, and fasting. Revenge: good. A will: make one. Fasting: do it, like Jews. Fucking: that's part of fasting, see, because uhhh, was that Friends you just clicked past?

The Dr. Ruth advice is in the middle of a discussion about when you can eat and drink, cuz, y'know, the wife is just part of a man's overnight kit: clean socks, toothbrush, cum bucket. The quran tells you when to eat and when to use your cumbucket.
(187) You are allowed to sleep with your wives on the nights of the fast ... now you may have intercourse with them ...
Gee, big of you to say that Mohammed. I have to laugh when I see these big manlymacho men running to ANOTHER DUDE for permission to screw their wives, lol. Of course they wouldn't ask THE WIFE'S opinion, that'd be like asking your toothbrush. You don't ask Rosy and her Five daughters for permission, now do ya? It's not about two people sharing intimacy to maximize the other's enjoyment, you faggot-ass, it's about shooting peckersnot into the beaver. That picture up there at the top? Perverted, shameful, sickening. Just looking at it dries up your shamecave and makes your godstick all limp doesn't it? It doesn't? Pervert.

Allah or Mohammed or whoever narrates this train wreck helpfully explains exactly why he give permission to sleep with rape your wives. It's because “They are your garments and ye are their garments”. Betchur glad I cleared that up. I didn't? Well, here's the thing, when every Islamic Scholar in the Virgo Supercluster says it means something different, then it doesn't mean anything. Like if I say “t-ə-meyŋ-ə-levt-pəγt-ə-rkən”, it doesn't mean anything, except if you speak Chukchi you'd offer me some aspirin, but I shouldn't have told you that because if you don't speak Chukchi it means the same as “you are their garments”, which is not a goddamn thing. What seems to have escaped people's notice for 14 centuries is that it DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. Neither does this line:
(189) They ask you of the new moons. Say: "These are periods set for men (to reckon) time, and for pilgrimage." Piety does not lie in entering the house through the back door, for the pious man is he who follows the straight path. Enter the house through the main gate, and obey God. You may haply find success.
Same thing. Google it all week, nobody'll say it's talking about doors. Some people say it has something to do with old moonworshiper customs. Some people it's saying ix-nay on the buttsekks, but then some people just have dirty minds. Maybe it's about lamps.


PersonalFailure said...

Yikes! The first thing I saw was . . . I'm a pervert, I guess.

And that picture on top- that's Naveen Andrews, isn't it? Don't tell me otherwise, I'm already fantasizing about it.

uzza said...

That's him all right, you pervert you ;-) with Indira Varma in Kama Sutra: a tale of love.

HolyDude said...

Uzza - you scoundrel you.

That pic on top is sooooo captivating, I forgot when I was supposed to or not supposed to have sex. I wish the Koran had pictures like that. But your blog is the next best thing.

So.. thanks.

P.S. I've written a new post on my blog. Its something that's been echoing in my mind for aloooong time. Take a look and let me know your views. The title is: Almost Nobody truly believes in God.