God Tells Me To Kill You

You don't believe me about Chapter 8? Here's the summary, in cliff notes.

1 All plunder goes to Mo & Me.
2-3 Cult members get hard-ons over Me
4 and I pardon and reward them.
5 When I sent you to fight, you bitched
6 like I was trying to get you killed.
7-8 I wanted to kill everybody, not just the unarmed ones,
9 and I promised to send angels to help,
10 but I lied. I Know Everything (IKE)
11 It rained while you were asleep,
12-13 and I told the angels to cheerlead.
14 You have to go to war, but that's better'n going to hell like the infidels;
15-16 If you don't fight I'll send you to hell.
17 I get all the credit for winning. IKE
18 I alway win.
19 ( an aside to the enemy:) If you come back GWFYU again. (now back to his own guys)
20-23 obey Mo & Me;
24-25 remember I judge you, and GWFYU.
26 Remember how much I did for you.
27 Be honest.
28 Heaven's better'n your children.
29 I'll tell you what's right and wrong. I'm nice.
30 The infidels plot, but I plot better;
31 when we preached at them they said: “Yeah, sure,
32 why don't you rain down stones from the skies on us?"
33 But I didn't feel like killing them right then, when they were seeking forgiveness (!!)
34 They're not holy enuf to guard the Mosque, and
35-8 if they don't repent, they should go to Hell.
39-40 So, I'll help you kill them all;
41 one-fifth of the loot for Mo, and for charity. IKE
42 You wouldn't have fought that day, but I made you. IKE
43 I lied about how many there were, so you wouldn't chicken out. IKE
45 When you go to war, stand firm, and think of me,
46 Follow orders, and keep fighting.
47 Don't be like satan's guys,
48 cuz he turned tail and ran.
49 They thought they were right but they weren't.
50 Angels take the infidel's souls away, and beat them,
51 and say “see what you're making us do?”
52 They did that to the Egyptians, too
53 IKE.
54 I drowned the Egyptians cause they didn't believe me.
55 I hate unbelievers.
56-7 If people break their contract, kill them.
58 If you suspect they might break a contract, break it yourself. I don't like treachery (!!)
59-60 Kill the infidels,
61 but make peace with them. IKE.
62-64 If they try to cheat you, I'll give you allies, so
65-66 fight! I make you 10x or twice as strong as them.  (God sucks at math.)
67 Don't take captives till after a battle. IKE
68-69 War makes it okay to steal shit. I'm nice.
70 Enslave your prisoners.
72 Support the troops. Fight anybody except your allies. IKE
73 Infidels help each other, you should too.
74 Support the troops. IKE.
-----the (long overdue) end-----

That's it. I've tried to hold onto the idea the koran was just another silly scripture, no worse than the rest of them. I've really tried, but there is no way in hell to whitewash all this crap. This is not a kind and loving god, it's a bloodthirsty warmongering prick.  And when god sanctions killing, people listen.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The history behind Chapter 8 and all the ones that follow it is such a hilarious riot I sure hope you delve into it.