To: Bank of America
Your Valued Customer
Attn Rob Baron,
It is imperative that you forego all interest on my outstanding loans. If you attempt to collect this debt, be advised that I will initiate an armed conflict, otherwise known as 'a war', between myself and your establishment, and will not be held responsible for any fatalities or collateral damage that may result. Only on the condition that you repent will I repay the principal portion of my loan, repenting to take the form of, at the very least, relinquishing any claim to the interest I owe, and kissing my ass.
These actions are taken under the authority of the Holy Quran, Sura 2, Ayat 278-279, which reads in full:
(278) O believers, fear God and forego the interest that is owing, if you really believe.
(279) If you do not, beware of war on the part of God and His Apostle. But if you repent, you shall keep your principal. Oppress none and no one will oppress you.
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.
Uzza, Prophet of God.
Think it's worth a try? Seems to have worked for Mo.