Chapter 110: Divine Support

The last surah. Three lines, says some vague thing about how Mohammedans will conquer the world some day, and I'm done with this piece of crap.


Quran Helps the World

The koran is in the news again.

A saudi multibillionaire, following the numerous Quranic injunctions to give alms to the poor, donates millions to his fellow muslims suffering in Gaza.

HA HA, just kidding. As always, it's for something hideous. This time the "noble" book is being used to stop Algeria's efforts to drag their country kicking and screaming out of the dark ages. A mad muslim mullah who belongs in prison is bitching because, not only can he not kill people, he might not be able to beat the shit out of them and rape them. The head of the Human Rights Council is trying to put the kibosh on all his fun:

"Hés done it before with the death penalty, and now with beatings," says the sicko, "God has already pointed out precisely the way that a husband must behave towards his wife" in verses 4:34-5, which tells men to beat women should they commit "nushooz", a term signifying a refusal of sexual intercourse.

 Well, if this book is the word of god, he's right.  That's what it says.



(non-koran post)

One day while I was driving down the street, a wheel went rolling by. It was mine! My right front tire had come off. It drove past, made a turn into a gas station, ran up to the gas pump and fell over. Maybe it ran out of gas? I followed it in and parked by it. Had to, because when I slowed down enough the car pitched over so the right axle plowed into the pavement. Then I put the wheel back on and drove off. Really tightened those lug bolts.

Another day, midway across a really narrow bridge that was exactly a mile long, my hood came up. It hinged at the driver's end, the wind caught under the front and pushed it up so it stood vertical in front of the windshield. Couldn't see a thing. Also couldn't pull over, or stop really, up there a thousand feet over the water, and with the windows up I couldn't just stick my head out. It raised my pulse. By scrooching down I found a little crack to peek out through, just enough to see the oncoming traffic partly, and judge where I was going. Hood stayed straight up vertical in the air until I got to the other side of the bridge.

One night, tooling through an S-curve on a windy road through the woods, in the pitch dark with no moon, my headlights abruptly went out. That was interesting.

Once my electrical shorted out and the whole car  filled instantly with toxic smoke. While I was going down a really steep hill. By the time I got the window rolled down, and my head out, and the car stopped, and air, I was halfway poisoned, my lungs were hurting, lots of coughing.

Had a high speed blowout on the freeway doing about 75 when my tire exploded. Three times. Not the same tire; apparently the previous owner had used really cheap retreads; it was the first long trip I'd taken in that truck. The worst of it was that I crawled under the truck at one point and didn't notice a fire ants nest. At first.

One car had rusty floorboards and my foot went right through so I was driving with one foot under the car. I've had my brakes go out, and lost my steering, and once even had both those happen at the same time. I've had my pedals stick, from something mechanical or stuff on the floor caught under them, or once my shoelace wrapped around the brake pedal so I couldn't move my foot. I've had the throttle stick, both open and closed. In every one of those cases, I've gotten the car home and fixed it. Myself. Not necessarily in that order.

A Chevy I had once came to life in my driveway, when no one was in it, and crashed itself into the front porch. Got rid of that sonofabitch the next day. The car I drive now was made in 1962 and there's nothing on it that I don't understand, that can't be fixed, probably has been fixed, probably by me, will probably break again, and get fixed again.

After all that I find out OMG, PEDALS MIGHT STICK!!1! The Toyota Prius is Christine! You're not an incompetent dumbass who can't drive and won't take responsibility for your own actions, no, it's a manufacturing defect. Insurance should cover it. You should get paid a large monetary settlement, instead of having your sorry ass kicked. Now this 94mph grampa comes along with a  story that's fishier than the Pike Place Market, how his Toyota tried to kill him, and it's bullshit.

Toyota. Best reputation of any car on the road. Toyota Prius. The most environmentally friendly, most economical, best selling car, in other words the biggest threat to the carmakers in Detroit. You know, those ones who just got bailed out for going broke for making shitty cars that can't compete with ... the Toyota Prius?

What I want to know is, how much did GM pay this guy to say this?


Faster Mohammed! Kill! Kill!

If my postings have gotten kind of scattered, it's because I'm so sick of this thing. It's to where I can only force myself back to reading it if I'm shitfaced. People that study this book become suicide bombers? Makes perfect sense to me, reading this could take away anybody's will to live.

Except for 110, a little wet spot of a sura that's only three lines long, this is the last verse so it abrogates all that comes before, which makes me wonder why they made us suffer through all that early stuff, but anyhow here's what's in it.

Verse 5, the famous “kill infidels wherever you find them”, and verse 111, the suicide bombers' favorite quote that they'll go to heaven.
Line 9:67 and 9:90, god hates people and will never forgive them, not even if they ask 70 times. More misrepresentations of jewish and christian beliefs in 9:31, (they're polytheists, Mo thinks), and 9:111, their scriptures command them to kill, which godhammed thinks is a good thing. That's about all it says, but it's longer than shit. I condensed it   

Chapter 9 The Repentance

(1) We don't have to keep our treaty with the infidels
(2) They've got four months. I'll kick their ass (IKYA)
(3) I hereby declare that Mo is not bound (by any contract) to idolaters IKYA
(4) except ones who keep their side of the treaty (??!!)
(5) After the four months, kill them all. Unless they convert and pay us.
(6) Give them asylum if they ask for it.
(7) There can't be a treaty between us and the infidels. Except this Mecca one.
(8-10) They're assholes.
(11) But if they convert and pay us , they're ok;
(12) but if they step out of line, go back to fighting them
(13) Fight them,
(14-16) it's good therapy.
(17) The idolaters have no right to visit the mosques.
(18) Only we get to.
(19) Taking care of the mosque and the pilgrims isn't as good as
(20) invading it like we did.
(21-22) We'll go to heaven.
(23-4) Turn your back on your family if they don't join our cult
(25) In the battle of Hunain, God sent invisible troops to help
(27) I do whatever i feel like (WIFL)
(28) the idolaters are unclean. they should not approach the Mosque after this year. You won't go broke cuz I know verything (IKE).
(29-30) Fight the Jews and Christians.
(31) They worship Mary and Ezra (!!)
(32-33) They utter blasphemies; I don't like them.

(34) many rabbis and priests accumulate gold and silver,
(35) On the day We'll shall heat up their gold and brand them with it, and jeer.
(36) There's 4 months that're sacred. Don't fight during them except in defense.
(37) You can't postpone them like the infidels do.
(38) Don't be satisfied with things,
(39) Unless you go fight, IKYA.
(40) Remember god helped Mo when he was in the cave; he sent invisible armies.
(41) go fight
(42-5) Some people made excuses and stayed behind.
(46) I held them back
(47) cuz they would've just fucked things up.
(48-9) They're traitors. They go to hell
(50) they're traitors.
(51) Tell them: "God's on our side;
(52) IKYA,
(53) you are reprobates."
(54) Don't accept their money.
(55) I punish them with wealth, They'll all go to hell (TAGTH).
(56) They're not really with you;
(57) they're chickenshits.
(58) They say you don't distribute things equally;
(59) They shouldn't.
(60) Charities are meant for: the poor, administration costs, advertising, ransoms, debt relief, god, and wayfarers: IKE
(61) Some people say Mo is too soft, but when he needs to he kicks ass.
(62-3) Please me or go to hell.
(64) Tell the hypocrites "You'll find out!”
(65) If they say they were just joking, don't listen,
(66) punish them anyway.

(67) I hate them.
(68-9) They're goners,
(70) just like Noah and Abraham and all those guys. They wouldn't listen to the prophets.
(71-2) I'll let my cultists go to heaven, (with gardens & streams & mansions)
(73) Fight the unbelievers and the hypocrites. They're all going to hell. (TAGTH)
(74) They didn't really belief so TAGTH
(75-6) Some of them didn't give alms
(77) so I made them be hypocrites for the rest of their lives
(78) IKE
(79) those who don't give pay TAGTH
(80) I will never forgive them.
(81) Those who didn't fight
(82) will suffer for it.
(83) tell them they can never some with you
(85) repeat line 55
(86) Whenever I tell them to fight they wanna stay home
(87) with women.
(88) But Mo will be successful
(89) and go to heaven
(90) Some nomads asked to stay behind. But TAGTH
(91-2) The old and the sick can stay behind, or if you're too poor,
(93) The ones who can afford it but don't go, God seals their hearts so they do not understand. (!!??)
(94) Keep an eye on those fuckers
(95) They are scum; TAGTH
(96) Don't accept them, I don't.
(97) The nomads are worse. IKE
(98) Some nomads don't wanna pay. TAGTH. IKE
(99) Some nomads believe, and pay. They get to go to heaven.
(100) Those believe will go to heaven (with streams)
(101) Some nomads and Medinans are hypocrites,TAGTH.
(102) But some of them aren't all bad. I might forgive them. I'm nice.
(103-5) Sell them blessings instead of killing them.
(106) I might forgive some others WIFL. I'm nice
(107) The guys that built the mosque, TAGTH
(108-110) Never set foot in the mosque. IKE
(111) Cult members have sold their souls to God; they get killed for him and he puts them in heaven.

(112) believers go to heaven.
(113) Don't forgive idolaters even if they are relatives
(114) Abraham disowned his father. Abraham was soft hearted and kind. (!!)
(115) I never lead men astray.
(116) Everything belongs to me. I'm your only friend.
(117) I'm nice
(118) I forgave the three who didn't go to the battle of the Ditch. I'm nice.
(119) Obey me.
(120) The nomads and the Medinans should've followed Mo,
(121) cuz they'd've gone to heaven.
(122) Not everybody can go to war, but some should.
(123) Fight the unbelievers.
(124) Some people believe Mo's revelations
(125) and some don't:
(126) This happens once or twice a year.
(127) God has turned their hearts away.
(128) Mo's a prophet. He's the greatest.
(129) Proselytize.


1 ≠ 3

So I'm reading along and come to this line:
17 In blasphemy indeed are those that say that Allah is Christ the son of Mary.
Hmmm, Christians suck, sez he. Got that. He's really worked up about it, he says it again
(72) They are surely infidels who say: "God is the Christ, son of Mary."
So much for People of the Book. Christian = Kaffir. Kaffir = go ahead and kill those mutherfuckers. For once he gives a reason, though. He says jebus never claimed to be divine. The rest of verse 72 = 
But the Christ had only said: "O children of Israel, worship God who is my Lord and your Lord."
I LOL'ed. Hell, everybody knows that JAYSUS IS LARD, that's what christians are all about. If you didn't believe it you'd go to hell and spread cooties throughout the land, not necessarily in that order. Been told that ever since grade one when the penguins ushered me into catholic school. Never really questioned it. That first day I looked up on the wall and said “Holy Shit, these nuns aren't messing around, look what they did to that eight-grader!” I was terrified that whole year, even after I figured out it was Jesus. I was so relieved, I never asked any questions.

Not then anyway. A puberty or so later I realized them nuns lied, oh man they lied, but I always thought that somewhere Jesus had said that he was God. I mean, shit, look what they did to him! They weren't that pissed about him chickenhawking in Gethsemane, I put it down to telling Paunchus Pilot he was king of the Jews, which was dumb on a par with what I said one time a traffic cop pulled me over. Greeting the officer with “What's your fucking problem?” does not help your position, but I still got off better than Jesus did. People were that riled up, he must've claimed to be god.

Check it out. Christians say “Jesus is TOO god. It's in the buybull”, and muslims say “No it fucking is not! The christian explanation is really lame, and fuck me four ways but damn if Mohammed isn't right: Jesus never said it. Christians have to do Olympic quality mental break-dancing to get that out of their book. Here I thought they had a leg to stand on, and it was just a little residual nun-cootie in my brain.

Jesus is FTW in this book though. Lines 5:112-117 have him do a miracle where he conjures us a tableful of food. It sounds more like Jeanie than Domino's, but allah gets all the credit, and just to make that real clear, twice in here jesus denies being divine (110 and 116).

Not only is Jesus a good guy, Mohammed tells us to follow the Bible. Wtf?
(66) And if they had followed the teachings of the Torah and the Gospel, and what has been sent down to them by their Lord, they would surely have enjoyed (blessings) from the heavens above and the earth below their feet.
(68) Say to them: "O people of the Book, you have no ground (for argument) until you follow the Torah and the Gospel and what has been revealed to you by your Lord."
At first I thought godhammed was just insane—these guys will burn in hell but we should follow their holy book?—but it's not a contradiction if the bible never says jesus is divine. And it don't: score rugbutters one, ritual cannibals zero.
It's interesting. Christians believe jesus is god because Emperor Constantine said so, at Nicaea, in AD300. Doesn't carry much weight now, but a guy who crucifies people that disagree with him is hard to argue with. Hell, I didn't argue with those nuns and all they had was a ruler. They told me about the Holy Trinity, but then they taught me math, so I saw behind the curtain. Outside of politics, Constantine was a pagan, and pagans look at things all yinny and yangy, every single one of us has the devil inside, and godiness too. Sometimes there's three divisions, so if you dumb it down there you got your Holy Trinity. If you're a Hindu you take that idea and run with it. You'll burn in hell tho. Mo says.


Is Allah Kinky?

(5:64) The Jews say: "Bound are the hands of God."
They do? News to me. I doubt any Jews ever said that, but I don't know what the Clear and Perfect Book is talking about, as usual. Wait, there's more

...Tied be their own hands, and damned may they be for saying what they say! In fact, both His hands are open wide: He spends of His bounty in any way He please. But what your Lord has revealed to you will only increase their rebellion and unbelief. So We have caused enmity and hatred among them (which will last) till the Day of Resurrection. As often as they ignite the fires of war they are extinguished by God. Yet they rush around to spread corruption in the land; but God does not love those who are corrupt.

Wow. More god talking about himself in the third person and full enema bag of hate speech against the Jews. What he says about Jews gets worse with each chapter. Not much point in trying to seem nice I guess after you've murdered a few hundred of them, huh?
What's up with the god-bondage?

Quranenglish says it means he's niggardly: the Jews were down on their luck so they were saying allah couldn't help them, or he was too stingy or something.  

Robert Spencer sez this refers to the Jews liking science. ( Huh? ) Idea is that since allah can do whatever he feels like, there's no use to doing any science. Just because your new drug cured cancer this time, that's no guarantee that next time allah won't make it useless. Better to stick with drinking camel pee like Mohammed did.

Google it long enough and you're liable to find anything. Let's face it, nobody knows what it means, just like usual.  Except fuck the jews [and not in the nice way].


Pave the Whales

Last week some wild eyed christian (y'know those guys who say the muslims are barbaric) wants a theocratic hellhole complete with stonings: start with Orcas, work up to people, all based on their Holy Noble Bibloran. Well, this ain't over. WorldNutDaily scraped up some sewer scum and had it write an article saying the same thing. Ed Brayton is on it.

The author says he's an ignorant ass but he read something once:

"This isn't without precedent. I remember reading about a mountain lion that had killed a jogger"
NO shit? One time, once, you heard about a standard policy of wildlife management that's been in place since the Pliocene? Gee, maybe other animals have killed people too at some time in history. Y'think?
Where do you suppose people get that idea, to kill animals that kill them? Common sense wouldn't tell you. Self-preservation wouldn't tell you. You get it from the Bible, where else?

"God has explicit commandments on how to deal with animals that kill humans" If “the bull has had the habit of goring and the owner has been warned but has not kept it penned up and it kills a man or woman, the bull must be stoned and the owner also must be put to death".
Emphasizing that last part was his idea, not mine. The fact that it's a killer whale, not a bull, and it's in an aquarium, not “not penned up” doesn't matter, he's got wood over killing the owner.

He rewrites history so that all our founding documents came from the bible; he copypastes a list of christian theology from a pro-animal article--where it's an example of outdated thinking; and the fact that the victim's family supports SeaWorld--this just shows how bad things are, y'see.

It's all the fault of “Darwinism” natch, and he brings in Marxism, bla bla, even calls it a "a serial-murderer killer whale”.ROFL! I believe that should be “alleged serial murderer”, untill after the trial. Here's the money quote:

"No law or opinion should be able to rise above God's Holy Word; otherwise, we have sown the seeds of society's own destruction. "
Don't obey the law. Got it?

The only difference between these people and the Taliban is that these ones aren't in charge anymore. (and a different edition of god's Holy Word)



Ch5 v 32-33

Islam is a religion of peace! Peace, Godddammit. They're always harping on that, especially after some moderate leader beheads his wife, and sure as a stiff dick on a teenager they pull out this verse
“…if any one slew a person - unless it be for murder or for spreading mischief in the land - it would be as if he slew the whole people: and if any one saved a life, it would be as if he saved the life of the whole people.” (Emuslim.“The Sanctity of Human Life”)
Whoa, what's up? If those little dashes don't make you
 suspicious, you don't know the koran, homes. (See in the sidebar they quote it with the dashes left out altogether? It's what they always do. Quote mining, to da max.) So what's the whole thing?

note: Mo got this
whole thing  from the
Jewish  Talmud. It's
practically a direct quote.

5:32 On that account: We ordained for the Children of Israel that if any one slew a person - unless it be for murder or for spreading mischief in the land - it would be as if he slew the whole people: and if any one saved a life, it would be as if he saved the life of the whole people. (yusuf ali)

note: “that account” is the
story of Cain and Abel,
which comes just before.
Only, in the koran version
when Cain has a body that
needs hiding, god sends
somebody who 'solves
problems', but this Mr.
Wolf is a crow! LULZ!
Talking birds again!

It's “for the Children of Israel”, not for muslims. Says jews can't kill. Non-jews? Nada to do with them. Nothing to do with islam. Even if it was, there's a loophole. It doesn't apply if it's for
a) murder, or
b) spreading mischief.
Spreading mischief? WTF. !!?!?!?!
Nothing about muslims, and if Jews “spread mischief”, it's not as if ... anything cuz this whole thing doesn't apply. So wtf is this spreading mischief? The baby does that every day, he just learned to walk.

As-Suddi, one of the most reliable commentators, knows what it means
( ..."Do not make mischief on the earth,''), means, "Do not commit acts of disobedience on the earth. Their mischief is disobeying Allah, because whoever disobeys Allah on the earth, or commands that Allah be disobeyed, he has committed mischief on the earth. Peace on both the earth and in the heavens is ensured (and earned) through obedience (to Allah).'' Ar-Rabi` bin Anas and Qatadah said similarly.”
So 'mischief' = disobeying allah. Who knew? Not Miriam-Webster. But here, if a Jew kills someone for not being a good Muslim [bet that happens a lot] it's not as if he'd killed all the ppl. No shit Sherlock.

That's what it says, but I've never heard anyone interpret it like that. They all insist it applies to muslims, bla bla peace blabbity blab ... why do I get the feeling it's saying “kill non-muslim = no big deal”? Cuz I'm a big fat cynic? Because I've read pretty much the whole damn book that's why.
So, OK, don't obey allah. There, I've committed mischief on the earth (on a chair, actually, but that shouldn't matter should it?) So what's my punishment? The punishment's in the very next line. Well, really it's not, but with scripture you have to read between the lines.

5:33 The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and His Messenger, and strive with might and main for mischief through the land is: execution, or crucifixion, or the cutting off of hands and feet from opposite sides, or exile from the land:
There's that “and his messenger” clause in there again, so Mo can stand in for god when the loot is passed out, but this is pretty heavy shit. I'd've thought “wage war” meant something, but but come to find out,
'Wage war' mentioned here means, oppose and contradict, and it includes disbelief, blocking roads and spreading fear in the fairways. Mischief in the land refers to various types of evil. (Al Suddi)
The Fuck? You can have your hands and feet cut off for DISBELIEF? Or executed, well yeeeah: not believing Mo is the worst possible crime in the whole wide world, or haven't you been paying attention? But don't believe me, ask the experts. 
Daylight Atheism does just that. A guest essay there lays this whole sorry thing out with all its bloody details, and it's even worse than you think. Just look at footnote #2:
[2] The Hanbali jurist Ibn Taymiyya (d. 1328) wrote that captive non-Muslim non-combatants, including women and children, could be executed if they merely engaged in verbal or written opposition to Islam:
"As for those who cannot offer resistance or cannot fight, such as women, children, monks, old people, the blind, handicapped and their likes, they shall not be killed unless they actually fight with words [e.g. by propaganda] and acts [by spying or otherwise assisting in the warfare]. Some jurists are of the opinion that all of them may be killed, on the mere ground that they are unbelievers, but they make an exception for women and children since they constitute property for Muslims."

Religion of peace my ass.



As all intelligent life knows, Pat Robertson is certifiably insane. (I had to word it that way to rule out the million plus people sentient beings living organisms that think he should be our President). One of his more famous evil ravings was that Haiti deserved their earthquake because of a pact with the devil. Well it turns out it's not just insane Bible-thumpers that pull this crap.

Last week a Quran-thumper piled aboard the serves-you-fuckers-right train. Here, half-baked from the galley of Dung Turk Nuh Gönültaş comes this chef d'œuvre of ignorance, served on a bed of insensitivity, garnished with intolerance and a touch of racism.
"The Quran tells us that if collective sins are not met with collective repentance, that some disasters will occur in that region,"
He's right about that, it's full of warnings how some group got on allah's bad side so he opened a can of nuclear war or birds crapping or something on them. That hors d'oeuvre of injustice is just his appetizer, a mere canape to whet the palate for the coming entree of insanity.
"The fundamental reality of [Haiti] is that the majority of its people are engaged in witchcraft [Haiti is 85% Christians]." Indeed, "Voodoo is Haiti's national religion [it's a secular republic with no national religion]. The majority of blacks living in Haiti [a country that is 99% black. but why not be racist] perform satanist rituals [Voodoo: satanist, no, offshoot of Catholicism, yes.], do human sacrifice [!!! the majority does this, that explains the overpopulation], and make their living from magic” [O great Genie, bring me poverty and disease, I command you].
There ya go. Two loonies, from different countries, cultures, ethnic groups, and so on. What do they have in common, besides being heartless SOB's? You guessed it—both followers of the Religion of Abram (also known as abraHAm, ever since god stuck an extra ha in his name. Stands for Hateful Asshole. I've mentioned I don't really care for him.)  It's that Good Old Time Religion, bringing morals love and kindness uhh, ethical standards   mmm.  It's that old time religion.


They'll Stone Ya ...

Can you tell the difference between these two critters?

Bryan Bible Thumper Fischer of the American Family Association can't. He's lusting after a good stoning, and if he can't do it to a human being, he'll settle for an Orca (that'd be the one on the left). The logistics I'll leave for you, or if such a thing is even possible, but he's all creaming himself over Exodus: "When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable." (21:28)

That's right, the third graders that wrote the bible demand stonings for killer oxen, although they forgot to specify about killer whales. Bloodthirsty Bryan is happy to fill in the blanks though. If your oxca kills a second time, sez he, you die right along with it. "the ox shall be stoned, and its owner also shall be put to death" (Exodus 21:29) .

Wow. OTOH, the Koran doesn't demand stoning whales or anything. Well some of the lower life forms that read it do, but it's not in the Koran. Remember chapter 24, line 2 where it says 100 lashes for adultery? No stoning. In fact the koran never mentions stonings, but the bible calls for it thirteen times. Slip up and give your kid to Molech one time, buddy, you're in the queue. So the Koran loses another round in the Worst Book in the World Sweepstakes. Yay, I guess.



5:51 O ye who believe! take not the Jews and the Christians for your friends...

5:64 ... and be they accursed


Mohammed had no Hands!

Suppose a guy ordered his peeps to sneak down the back roads and hide by the side of a highway; and when some unsuspecting traders came along they jumped out and shot at them till all the ones still alive ran away; and they hijacked the entire shipment—leather goods, raisins, and wine—and drove it all back to the boss; and he rewarded them for following orders; then he dictated a whole speech on how to divvy up the stolen goods. Wouldn't this verse apply?

5:8 As to the thief, Male or female, cut off his or her hands: a punishment by way of example, from Allah, for their crime: and Allah is Exalted in power.
Seems to me it would. 
theft is the illegal taking of another person's property without that person's freely-given consent. 
Someone who carries out an act of or makes a career of theft is known as a thief
Sooo .... that's why Mohammed just had two pirate hooks. This is a little known fact, that must be true, because Allah wouldn't have set a bad example, now would he?