God Hates Cheapskates

63:1 When the Hypocrites come to thee, they say, "We bear witness that thou art indeed the Messenger of Allah."
... OK, got it. They say Mo is a prophet ... Yea, Allah knoweth that thou art indeed His Messenger, ... right, said that.... and Allah beareth witness that the Hypocrites are indeed liars.
... What?

Hypocrites: U R a messenger of allah
.......God-1: U R allah's messenger.
.......God-2: They are liars.
Huh? How exactly are they lying?
63:2 They have made their oaths a screen (for their misdeeds): thus they obstruct (men) from the Path of Allah.
What misdeeds? The only version that kinda makes sense Pickthal's: "They make their faith a pretext so that they may turn (men) from the way of Allah."  Apparently somebody is pretending to believe, in order to deconvert people? That's possible I guess, but it's not the same as being an apostate, which is what the quran says next . 
63:3 That is because they believed, then they rejected Faith: So a seal was set on their hearts bla bla
Which is it? Hypocrites or Apostates? Maybe other verses will clear this up.
We have indeed made the Qur'an easy to understand (54:17) so I guess I just haz the stoopids? “But none knows its interpretation except Allah” (3:7). Oh goody, so it's not me. Only god knows who he's talking about. But whoever they are, one thing's for sure god doesn't like them.
63:4 They are the enemies; ...
Hates them! ...
The curse of Allah be on them!
Really hates the!
63:6 ... Allah will not forgive them.
C'mon, Mohammed, what have you got against these guys, really?
63:7 They are the ones who say, "Spend nothing on those who are with Allah's Messenger,
Aha, now it all starts to make sense. Apostates, hypocrites, meh. His real beef is that they aren't forking over the Benjamins. There's another four verses and they're all about “let not your riches divert you” (9) and “spend something in charity” (11). So basically this whole Sura is a hustle, passing that old collection plate.


Lying a Nation into War

You can tell ch 22 got lost and wandered around aimlessly until somebody took pity on it and pushed it into sequence at random. The first part is in Mecca, before the city fathers ran Mohammed out for being all Fred Phelps-ish, and the rest is in Medina, but only just because he's still embarrassed over making an ass of himself with the satanic verses.

22:52We did not send before you any messenger, nor a prophet, without having the devil interfere in his wishes. GOD then nullifies what the devil has done. GOD perfects His revelations. GOD is Omniscient, Most Wise.
22:53He thus sets up the devil's scheme as a test for those who harbor doubts in their hearts, and those whose hearts are hardened. The wicked must remain with the opposition.

See? It's that time-honored excuse,

Also there's sour grapes about how those big meanies don't want him in Mecca.

22:25 As to those who have rejected ((Allah)), and would keep back (men) from the Way of Allah, and from the Sacred Mosque,which We have made (open) to (all) men ... another five lines of whining about it ... 29 let them complete the rites prescribed for them, perform their vows, and (again) circumambulate the Ancient House."

This is weird. He hardly had any converts in Mecca, so his followers were Medinians, and never got kicked out of anywhere, and the Meccans weren't keeping people out (except Mo), since that's what their whole economy was based on. But somehow he got them all worked up to go down there and practice pagan rituals now that they were somewhere else and not pagans anymore. I just don't get this prophet stuff.

Then it goes all jihad, telling people to fight, but no mention of any battles. The later chapters we already had are going to tell about it when we got to them in upcoming chapters. [if that doesn't make any sense, well, hey, it's the quran!].

Lines 39-40, 58, 60 all say to fight,

39To those against whom war is made, permission is given (to fight), because they are wronged;

Maududi says “v. 39 is the first verse that grants the Muslims permission to wage war” (if you read them in the official order, I guess, cuz we've already seen 9,355,455,245,245 references to it) and he really gets his rocks off saying how to kill people, but looky!

72 When Our Clear Signs are rehearsed to them, thou wilt notice a denial on the faces of the Unbelievers! they nearly attack with violence those who rehearse Our Signs to them.

Every translation says this. I like Pickthall's version “they all but attack those who recite our revelations to them”. Man, I can so identify with the pagans. Used to be downtown you couldn't go a block without some nut spewing scripture on you. I totally laugh at the scene in Airplane where the dude knocks the Hare Krishna guy on his ass. Still though, when Mohammed, it's fine to light into the Jehovah's Witnesses who come knocking with a chain saw and hold the survivors for ransom, it seems harsh.

This is plain as day. The pagans NEARLY ATTACK Mo's cultists. They don't ATTACK Mo's cult. He says so himself. So that pretty much blows out of the water the muslims who claim all mo's atrocities were in self defense, the muslims suffered persecution, blabbity bla. They can't say that unless they want to say Mohammed was lying. Mohammed says right here that they did not attack the muslims.

Suck it up.

Now comes the spin. Who is it he's permitting to fight, “those against whom war is made”? You'd think,  people who've been warred on, but noooo,

40(They are) those who have been expelled from their homes in defiance of right,- (for no cause) except that they say, "our Lord is Allah."
Couldn't be clearer. You don't let fanatics come take over your place, they get to kill you. Simple. Because,

Did not Allah check one set of people by means of another, there would surely have been pulled down monasteries, churches, synagogues, and mosques, in which the name of Allah is commemorated in abundant measure.

Since Mo was the only one wanting to pull down anything, your guess is as good as mine what that means. I'm no good at rabble rousing; can't even get it to roll over, let alone form up a mob and go on a decent rampage.


Cite Your Sources

22:18 Seest thou not that to Allah bow down in worship all things that are in the heavens and on earth: the sun, the moon, the stars; the hills, the trees, the animals?
Mmmm, ... No. I don't see that.

You just can't win with this book. First time you try to read it, you give up because it's all random, arranged by how long the chapters are. Then—a miracle!—in a slice of toast, Logic appeared, and told people to organize it in the order Mohammed made this shit up the verses were revealed to Mohammed. I'd never have made it this far if they hadn't. Instead of looking like somebody ate alphabet soup and randomly shit these verses, now it has a story line. It follows some guy from his first psychotic episode and chronicles his gradual descent into madness and megalomania.

That's probably why the official version's not organized that way, so people are less likely to notice. They still didn't get it right though, because this first half of ch 22 belongs way back in the Mecca times, when Mohammed was still yammering about the wonders of nature and all that pagany stuff, like up above. I kind of like that part.

He still hasn't read the bible, still confused about how god made people:
22:5 O mankind! ... We created you out of dust, then out of sperm, then out of a leech-like clot, then out of a morsel of flesh, partly formed and partly unformed, in order that We may manifest (our power) to you;
Typical fundamentalist. Wants us to read his silly books but doesn't even know what's in them. Dust, moron, God created man out of dust. You two need to get your story straight.


Weird Cults Rule the World

After Chapter 24 tells men what to do, in what has to be the world's best kept secret, it repeats the same advice for women. As you'd expect, that opens the floodgates, and then comes raftloads of misogynistic bullshit telling women how to behave telling men how to tell women to behave. A couple of lines made my hackles rise up and start working the heavy bag. One, all this advice applies to “small children who have no sense of the shame of sex”.

Yeah? What about all us adults for whom sex is not shameful? Who were never taught by some repressed old pervert that it wasn't a natural and beautiful part of living? Well, LOL, this doesn't apply to us, so we can just run around naked as jaybirds, but all those muslim men still have to lower their gaze. Oh well, sucks to be them.

More at 60, women should not “make a wanton display of their beauty”, since it might draw the attention of men, y'unnerstand. Good advice on some planet where women have trouble drawing men's attention, maybe Priapus 5, not Earth. Then there's this

24:33... “force not your maids to prostitution when they desire chastity, in order that ye may make a gain in the goods of this life”
Don't force your slaves to be prostitutes. Hmmm, good advice I guess, but did Mohammed really need to say this? Was this an ongoing problem with his crew ? Most of his revelations had to do with the daily trivia of his life, stuff he needed to put a stop to, so yeah, I'd guess it was. Nothing in here makes his followers look like anything but early day skinheads: stupid, violent, greedy, and putty in the hands of an authority figure. Speaking of which,

[024:051]  The speech of the believers, when they are calledtoGod and His Apostle to judge between them,is onlyto say, 'We hear and we obey;' and these it is who are the prosperous,
[024:052] for whoso obeys God and His Apostle and dreads God and fears Him, these it is who are the happy.
[024:054]Say, 'Obey God and obey the Apostle;

Did you get it yet? You have to Obey the Apostle, see? [24:63] Obey Mo or ELSE!!

[024:063]  ... let those beware who withstand the Apostle's order, lest some trial befall them, or a grievous penalty be inflicted on them.
Boot in the Face, Motherfucker!!  Someday, we'll rule the world.  

[24:55]  Allah hath promised such of you as believe and do good work that He will surely make them to succeed (the present rulers) in the earth even as He caused those who were before them to succeed (others); and that He will surely establish for them their religion which He hath approved for them, and will give them in exchange safety after their fear.
The curtain is slipping there, wiz. 


Body Bags

So, after telling us to beat the shit out of people, godhammed goes on with Ch24 ...
11 Those who brought forward the lie are a body among yourselves: bla bla the liars bla bla Hell bla bla
the lie”? What lie? Is this another one of his stuck-in-the-7thcentury-shoutouts? (google, google)Yep. It's harem gossip, somebody talking shit about one of his wives. Allah, god of the supermarket tabloids. Yawn.

24:27-9 says “don't go into people' houses without their permission”. Is he talking to four year olds? Doan go in peepulz howses, my mommee telled me that wen I wuz widdle. Sheesh. This is Very Important though, cuz it returns to this theme in lines 61-62; ask permission, yada yada. It's Miss Allah's rules of ettiquette.

Then it gets weird. My jaw dropped when I saw this. Fell right off my face. Google “lower their gaze” returns 4 million hits about how WOMEN should wear Hazmat suits, because the koran says this about them.  So here we read: 
24:30 Say to the believing MEN that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them: And Allah is well acquainted with all that they do.

24:30 tells MEN to lower their gaze. Have you ever seen muslim MEN in a beekeeper suit? I mean if they aren't smuggling weapons or trying to sneak out of the country?

How about those muslim men, hey? If they follow the Noble Quran, and they ain't looking, there's no reason for the body bags, now is there? There's more advice for men in the sunnah:
They should look only at what is permissible for them to look at, and lower their gaze from forbidden things. If it so happens that a person’s gaze unintentionally falls upon something forbidden, he should quickly look away.” says Ibn Kathir,

This is talking about MEN. Not women. It's not requiring beekeeper outfits on women, it's requiring THIS

From now on, all fundamentalist muslim men are required to wear one of these. Fuckers.



Well, actually the title of Chapter 24 is “Light”, but if allah wasn't all senile and naming things at random, floggings is what he'd call it. Looky.

2 The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication,- flog each of them with a hundred stripes: Let not compassion move you in their case,


But fuck that compassion shit. After all, anybody who fornicates is forever after a lower class of human.

3 Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry any but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden.
26 Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity.
It's the cooties, see. Once we get them, there's just no getting rid of them. We need to be segregated off in leper colonies, except these are impurity colonies. Getting into these colonies might be a little hard, though...
4 And those who launch a charge against chaste women, and produce not four witnesses (to support their allegations),- flog them with eighty stripes; and reject their evidence ever after:
You need four witnesses to a charge of adultery? What moron makes a rule like this? Who the hell has witnesses when they are committing adultery? You're gonna get it on in the middle of Wal-Mart? That's too kinky.
Oh, but instead of four people as witnesses, you can just repeat yourself four times. Oh shure, that's logical.
6 And for those who ... have (in support) no evidence but their own,- their solitary evidence (can be received) if they bear witness four times
Figure this. You say it once you're a damn liar, you get eighty stripes. Say it four times, you're an impeccable witness.No wonder those Islamic theocracies are

But then maybe I shouldn't be so hard on them,

they are our beloved allies, after all.
Think things would be better if we put the christians in charge? Think again.


Lovers not Fighters

Notice the pattern here, these pagans weren't any great shakes at fighting.What can you expect from people that have sex orgies on their altars?

At Badr, they can't keep an alliance together, half their guys just up and leave before the battle, then when they meet up they don't want to fight people who aren't involved in their feuds, but then they finally throw down, and they outnumber the cult three to one and they still lost. They're not taking this any too serious.

After Badr, even while they're losing caravans to the cult all the time, it still took them two years to drum up an army, and then they gave up their siege after a lousy couple of weeks.

At Uhud, pagans outnumber the cult 3 to 1 again, and barely beat them. Then after they won the battle, they didn't even go into town, let alone loot it, or kill prisoners or enslave everybody like the muslims did. They just went on home.

The Jews noticed it too. When Mo came back from Badr all pumped up and threatened the Qaynuqa, they laughed at him, they said

"Muhammad, do you think that we are like your people? Do not be deluded by the fact that you met a people with no knowledge of war and that you made good use of your opportunity. By God, it you fight us, you will know that we are real men!" (Tabari VII, p85)
Another thing they couldn't done, but didn't, was assassinate Mohammed, even though he had his own Phoenix program sending out hit squads, so y'know, fair's fair.

First noticed this when Mohammed was wandering around Mecca for ten years preaching more or less the overthrow of the government, and they never arrested him, kicked him out, or anything. Try that in Mecca nowadays. Natch the muslim historians try to paint them as terrible oppressors, but the whitewash is pretty thin. Those pagans were all about live and let live. Too bad.


Allah's Guide to Military Strategy

WARNING: another long tedious post.

Getting into the meat of chapter 59 now. You looking for spiritual guidance? Piss off, this is about warfare, baby.  He launches a siege. They have fortresses and they're all set, they're looking pretty good. But Mo, he's got an inside tip, he knows they're gonna lose, like the guys at Badr just did

15 Like those who lately preceded them, they have tasted the evil result of their conduct; and (in the Hereafter there is) for them a grievous Penalty;-
Get it? His cult won at Badr so obviously god is on his side, so that's why
14 They will not fight you (even) together, except in fortified townships, or from behind walls. Strong is their fighting (spirit) amongst themselves: thou wouldst think they were united, but their hearts are divided: that is because they are a people devoid of wisdom.
13 Of a truth ye are stronger (than they) because of the terror in their hearts, (sent) by Allah. This is because they are men devoid of understanding.
Terror? What's this? There's more of it, Mohammed saying they were terrorized, like,
I have been made victorious with terror, cast in the hearts of the enemy” Sahih al-Bukhari 4:52:220, Sahih Muslim 4:1062, 4:1063 4:1066, 4:1067
Think this just might have something to do with those assassination squads, like the one that murdered Ka'b the poet?

Mo's buddy Ibn Ishaq, had this to say about that:
Our attack upon God's enemy cast terror among the Jews, and there was no Jew in Medina who did not fear for his life.”
Some accounts tell how he turned some of that terror at the other Jewish tribes who had treaties with his victims, so they wouldn't come and help. Here the koran's talking shit about them.

11 Hast thou not observed the Hypocrites say to their misbelieving brethren among the People of the Book? - "If ye are expelled, we too will go out with you, and we will never hearken to any one in your affair; and if ye are attacked (in fight) we will help you". But Allah is witness that they are indeed liars.
12 If they are expelled, never will they go out with them; and if they are attacked (in fight), they will never help them; and if they do help them, they will turn their backs; so they will receive no help.
And that's what happened. The Qurayzah tribe didn't come to help them, which was dumb, because later the cult turned on them and massacred them all. See, appeasement of Mohammed's religious cult is a bad plan. Does this have any significance in today's modern world?
So, they were ok holed up in their fortress, but something went wrong:
2 It is He Who got out the Unbelievers among the People of the Book from their homes at the first gathering (of the forces). Little did ye think that they would get out: And they thought that their fortresses would defend them from Allah.

Damn! Allah, he went and got them out. How'd he do that? An eyeblink like Jeanie used, disappear the walls in a puff of smoke? Nah,

2, cont ...But the (Wrath of) Allah came to them from quarters from which they little expected (it), and cast terror into their hearts, so that they destroyed their dwellings by their own hands and the hands of the Believers, take warning, then, O ye with eyes (to see)!
So they not only got kicked out, they had to do the work themselves. Suxx. With a little help from the believer's hands, notice, and what were those busy little believer-hands doing? They cut down all the orchards.

See, the Geneva Conventions of the day was the old Mosaic Law. These Jews weren't barbarians, they had a thriving economy out there in Nowhere Land, and they didn't approve of clear-cutting.

"When you besiege a city a long time, to make war against it in order to capture it, you shall not destroy its trees by swinging an axe against them; for you may eat from them, and you shall not cut them down. For is the tree of the field a man, that it should be besieged by you?
"Only the trees which you know are not fruit trees you shall destroy and cut down, that you may construct siegeworks against the city that is making war with you until it falls." (Deu 20:19-20)
That's advice for my little pagan heart, but Mo came along and decided these traditions were quaint and obsolete. He decided god told him it was ok to commit murder in the holy month when there was traditionally no fighting (remember naklah?). About those trees? Fuck em. Cut em down and burn them. “The Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.” God said so, see? Here's Ann Coulter Mohammed justifying himself after:

5 Whether ye cut down (O ye Muslim!) The tender palm-trees, or ye left them standing on their roots, it was by leave of Allah, and in order that He might cover with shame the rebellious transgresses.

By the leave of Allah, see? How can ya argue with that? It'd be like saying little George shouldn't've started a war.

Mohammed goes to their orchards, cuts down and burns all the date palms. That was the source of their livelihood. Without their crops they've got no way to live out there in the desert. So they give up, agree to leave all their weapons behind and move somewhere else. Might as well, you can't eat sand. Then Mo gloats over winning ...

3 And had it not been that Allah had decreed banishment for them, He would certainly have punished them in this world: And in the Hereafter they shall (certainly) have the Punishment of the Fire.
4 That is because they resisted Allah and His Messenger. and if any one resists Allah, verily Allah is severe in Punishment.
Messenger, Allah, hey, it's all the same thing man. We already settled that. The really, only, pressing moral issue here is—Who gets the loot? Remember God said Mo gets a fifth of all war spoils, so you'd think... Oh, never mind what you think, Mo's keeping everything, and god has his back, natch.

6 What Allah has bestowed on His Messenger (and taken away) from them - for this ye made no expedition with either cavalry or camelry: but Allah gives power to His apostles over any He pleases: and Allah has power over all things.

That “cavalry or camelry”, that means it's not really a war when you just besiege their city, ravage their fields, destroy their livelihood, send Predator drones, bomb the shit out of them. And since it's not a real war, Mohammed doesn't have to share, y'see, cuz it's not real booty.

7 What Allah has bestowed on His Messenger (and taken away) from the people of the townships,- belongs to Allah,- to His Messenger and to kindred and orphans, the needy and the wayfarer; In order that it may not (merely) make a circuit between the wealthy among you. So take what the Messenger assigns to you, and deny yourselves that which he withholds from you.

...and don't complain, bitches! It goes on like this for four verses, making sure nobody in the cult starts demanding their 20% share. Then Mo passes out a house to this wife, a house to that wife, maybe take over the biggest fort for himself, easy street, baby!

Muslims are always on about how simple and frugal Mo was, but that's bullshit. All that real estate stayed there and got lived in, just like Kristallnacht.

The Jews were rich because they had orchards, and were raking in the dough from the fig industry. After, the muslims had sand and tree stumps. They didn't make a living off that, so where'd they get their income. Hmmm? They weren't raising crops, but there's always this:


Muslim Underpants

Yeah, I'm supposed to be writing about the koran. All I hear all week is that some buffoon tried to set off some bomb, briefly.
What is the Answer?  FEAR!  

What is the Question? Oh, lots!
● Can 3 oz. of PETN blow up an airliner? [hint: no] Have you noticed how BIG those things are? Also, B-17s used to straggle back from Germany with both wings blown off and the crew flapping their arms on the tail section. They make them out of tinkertoys nowadays?

● How was he going to set it off? Everything I can find out, it requires both fire and shock to detonate it. So he was injecting it with ...something, maybe Viagra. Why not use ice cubes?

● What was he doing in the can for 20 minutes just before the attempt? Getting one last wank before the 72 virgins? What's that about?

● Who was the Sharp Dressed Man? The Man in Orange? The Man on the Grassy Knoll? The Fool on the Hill? Also; passports. no-fly lists. body scanners. airport security. common sense.

● What about Jasper, y'know, the guy who jumped Abladimbulb, put out the fire and saved the free world? Does he get a Nobel peace prize? His own reality show? Maybe a chunk of all those bazoomagillion dollars the govt. has spent to accomplish exactly what he did all by his lonesome?

● Why would anybody do this? As to that, Yemeni security forces intercepted the following cell phone conversation.

--Yo, Mohammed!
--Yeah, wassup?
--Remember that stupid fucker from Nigeria that came through here?
--Oh yeah, the dumb fuck who was all “Praise Allah, Jihad FTW?”
--Yeah, man, you'll never guess what the little twirp did.
--Oh fuck, don't tell me he tried to set off that bomb ...
--He did, man! Bought it hook line and sinker. Stuck the fucking thing in his shorts, smuggled it on board some airliner, and tried to set it off with with that syringe thingee we gave him.
--LOL, no way! He actually believed that would work? He fucken tried it?
--Serious. It's on all the news. He's busted in the US someplace. Those pussies are all running around screaming Muslims! Muslims!
--Oh, shit, you know what this means? The Americans are gonna bomb the shit out of us.
--Whaddya mean, 'gonna'? You think those cruise missiles came from Norway?
--Yeah, well. Shit, man, we punked ourselves!
--Yeah. Seemed pretty funny at the time, though didn't it?
--That little prick.
Maybe it didn't go down that way. Maybe, let's say, worst case scenario, the plane crashed and killed 2-300 people. Every day, on US highways, 100 people die. Terrorists would have to bring down an airliner every three days just to keep even with what we do to ourselves. Do we have the TSA probe our anal cavities every time we get behind the wheel? No, outside of airports we still have a 4th Amendment (Remember it? "unreasonable search and seizure"?). Did Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett strip down for full body scans before they set out to Tame the Wild Frontier? Not hardly. They lived in the land of the free, brave,etc.

Worst thing about this is, underpants jokes won't be about Mormons anymore. Back to the koran. It's not as stupid.



If one thing could convince you that these Islam stories are all bogus, it's this one.

Muezza, the Prophet Muhammad’s favourite cat:
"The most famous story about Muezza recounts how the call to prayer was given, and as Prophet Mohammed went to put on one of his robes, he found his cat sleeping on one of the sleeves. Rather than disturbing the cat, he cut off the sleeve and let him sleep. When he returned, Muezza awoke and bowed down to Prophet Muhammad and in return he stroked him three times.”.

A cat BOWED DOWN to somebody? ROFL! All together now, can we say GULLIBLE? I showed this to my cats, and they're all rolling around on the floor holding their sides laughing. They look silly, but not as silly as this comment: Check out this comment;

I love this old and no doubt true story
No doubt. Has this guy ever even seen a cat?

The story came from this site: Don't miss the video of stray Mosque kittens, about halfway down. Any religion that's nice to stray kittehs can't be all bad.  And here is the famous Random Kitten Generator.


Defensive Sieging

(WARNING. Long boring post ahead. Viewer discretion advised.)

Finally, now we've got the backstory we can read Chapter 59 without WTFing every other line. It starts out with

[059:002]  He it is Who caused those who disbelieved of the followers of the Book to go forth from their homes at the first banishment you did not think that they would go forth, while they were certain that their fortresses would defend them against Allah; but Allah came to them whence they did not expect, and cast terror into their hearts; they demolished their houses with their own hands and the hands of the believers; therefore take a lesson, O you who have eyes!

some thing about some people of the book? who destroyed their own dwellings, after something? cast terror into their hearts. With help from the Believers®. Because they resisted The Messenger®.
Here's what it's all about.

The leader of the Aamir tribe sent Mo a gift of two camels, two horses. Now, that's right neighborly of him, I'd say, but Mohammed, he was like “Don't you be giving me no presents. You don't join my cult I ain't taking nothing from you. Keep your stinking horses and camels.”
Being sane, the Aamir weren't down with that plan at all. They sent off a delegation to negotiate, and Mo sent them an even bigger delegation, 40 or 70 guys depending on who you ask. In the meantime, the leader's son takes over the Aamir tribe. He doesn't seem to like the new cult much because when the delegates show up he murders them all. Oops. Guess he wanted to be a 'war president'.

He leaves two alive to send back with the news. On the way home these two survivors meet up with the Aamir delegation coming back from Mo's hood. Feeling understandably cranky, they murder two of the Aamir d00ds in their sleep. Ain't politics grand?

That was a mistake, because now Mo owes blood money for the murders. That's how they rolled, back in Olde Araby. He agrees to pay, and goes to his neighbors the Nadeer tribe to hit them up for a contribution.

(WTF the Nadeer? They're allies of the Aamir, the guys who got killed. Why would they help Mo pay for killing their own allies? For that matter, why don't the Aamir have to pay Mo for killing all his d00ds? Wtf?That's Middle East politics for you, as bad then as it is now.) Anyway, they agreed to meet and talk things over.

Mo comes with a bunch of his buddies and makes his pitch. The Nadeer guys leave the room to hold a conference, Mo and his crew wait. Mo gets antsy, and I think I know why. Remember Na'b? His mother was from this tribe. And then too, they may not like having their allies murdered. So once they get out of Mo's sight, it's no surprise he starts suspecting a plot. Remember, it's not paranoia when people really want to kill you. He might've been an asshole but that goes with being a good politician like sex and a hard-on. So guess what he does, this little Super Holy Islamic Teacher?

He says he's going out to take a leak, and splits, and LEAVES HIS BUDDIES BEHIND. That's right, he told them to wait for him, and he snuck off. Now call me fickle, but when the boss leaves me there to get killed, my loyalty is a little bit tested. Not these guys. They finally get wondering, and go looking for him, find him back in Medina—and they DON'T KICK HIS ASS! WTF?!?! Can we say Stockholm Syndrome?

Instead of an apology, Mohammed issues an ultimatum to the Nadir:
Mo: “GTFO. You got ten days to pack up everything you own and leave town.”
Nadr: WTF? We have a treaty.
Mo: “'Hearts have changed,' Muhammad said. 'Islam has wiped out our old covenants.' (Tabari VII:158)”
Nadr: We ain't leaving our homes,upstart. You've been here four years, our ancestors are here. Piss off.
MO: “The Jews have declared war”!!!1!!1!!!eleventy!!!”

Then we get into the 59:2 stuff. They hole up in their fortresses and Mo launches a siege. Of course, only a defensive siege, since Mohammed only fought to defend himself. Defensive siege-ing: it's new new kind of war, not like the old new kind of war.



Why so long with no posts? Fuck me, somebody actually noticed. Apparently there's a person out there with nothing better to do than read this blog. Get a life, loser.

I haven't been really busy. In fact I haven't been busy at all, it's just getting hard to force myself back to reading this crappy book. Too many other things to do that are more pleasant. Poke red hot needles in my eye balls. Eat light bulbs.

I'm having a real cage match with temptation—he says to just sum it all up

Last Ten Chapters
More of the same old bullshit
The end.
But my one and only loyal reader dragged my ambition back from the brink of death, gave it mouth to mouth and propped it back at the keyboard. Thanks, one and only loyal reader. You asshole.


Mohammed's Hit Men

Dick Cheney's not the only guy who likes to assassinate people, Mohammed was big on it too. Here's the short list of people he had whacked, including Kab Ashraf. We have to know about him in order for chapter 59 to make sense. It seems like god could've made things a lot simpler, like he could've have just said, “don't murder anybody”, but he moves in mysterious ways, right?

Nothing mysterious about what happened to Ka'b. In that last post, between the battles, didja notice it says Mohammed 'Assassinates Ka'b'. It's not just my infiddle opinion, this is straight from the muslim scholars, there's all kinds of hadith about it (BukhariV5,59n369: V4,52n271). It's the god's truth, so to speak.

See, after the battle of Badr, this guy Ka'b wrote poetry that sympathized with the pagan side. He also wrote nasty erotic poems, and you know I'd post them if I could find any. Darn! All these mean poems were like waving a Danish cartoon in front of Mohammed, so Mo had him whacked. Here are the gory details.

"Allah's Apostle said, “Who would kill Ka'b bin Al-Ashraf as he has harmed Allah and His Apostle ?” Muhammad bin Maslama (got up and) said, “I will kill him”.Bukhari V3,45n687;
So they went to see him, and were all 'we just wanna talk to ya, man', and 'let's go for a walk'. They were all 'hey, I really like yer perfume', and 'can I smell yer hair, man' and then they jumped him. Typical gang member hit job, except
Then they cut his head and took it with them. ... they cast his head before him [Muhammad]. He (the prophet) praised Allah on his being slain.” (Ibn Sa'd;v1p37)
Wow, so Mara Salvatrucha. Ya just gotta ask, What Would Mohammed Do? And then do something else.

Well so what, you ask? Well see, Ka'b's mother was from the Nadeer tribe. They were allies with the Aamir. Coming up, Mo has dealings with both these, and there's gonna be a little blowback. Yeah, CIA, I'm looking at you. Still hard to figure why god felt like he had to mention this in his holy book, though, or how it fits in with what he said earlier, “Thou shalt not” ...something or other.



OK, I've been looking stuff up, I've earned 796 credits in Ancient Mideast Studies, now I can say what Chapter 59 is about. First of all, it's in the wrong damn place. It's talking about Mohammed's cult running the Nadir tribe out of Medina, BEFORE the trench massacre, that was in ch 33, that was ten chapters back. ?!? Whoever put the out-of-order chapters in order screwed up. Color me unsurprised.

Our story so far:
Mohammed gets run out of Mecca in 622, immediately starts sending his peeps to ambush caravans. They murder a guy at Naklah during the Holy month and use Chapter 2 to justify that, then how to divide up all their pirate loot is Chapter 8.

The Meccans tried to intercept a raid at Badr but Mo kicked their butts, went home and ran the Qaynuqa tribe out of town. Then the pagans sent a punitive expedition, and won the Battle of Uhud because the cult chose looting over fighting. Both those battles are in chapter 3, and then is this chapter 59, where Mohammed runs the Nadir tribe out.

After this comes The Battle of the Trench we talked about in chapter 33, where the Meccans finally sent an army to besiege them for a whole two weeks, after which the cult rounded up and beheaded all the Qurayzah tribesmen.

This is all so spiritual and uplifting. It just gives me an urge to go donate to a girl scout. Or beat one up.

Date, A.D.
Discussed in Blog post
Date posted
Mentioned in Surah
622 on, start right after he gets there
Attacks on caravans
Mo & the pirates
Ch 2

Spoils distributed
God told me to kill you
Ch 8
624 A.D.
Battle of Badr,
evict Qaynuqa tribe
BB of Badr
Ch 3

Assassinates Ka'b
Mohammed's Hit Men

625 A.D.
Battle of Uhud
More bloodshed
Ch 3
625 A.D.
Evict Nadeer tribe

Ch 59
627 A.D.
Battle of the Trench/
massacre Qurayzah
The Trench
Ch 33

In my post on chapter 8, I missed something.
Quran 8:67: It is not for a Prophet that he should have prisoners of war until he had made a great slaughter in the land. You desire the good of this world (i.e. the money of ransom for freeing the captives), but Allâh desires (for you) the Hereafter. And Allâh is All-Mighty, All-Wise.
Holy shit, Yes, it really says that. I missed it because I was reading Khalifa's translation and all he says is ... unless he participates in the fighting. Little bit of white-washing going on there?

His version of 8:69 is a little different, too, reminds me of the nightly newscasts:
(Khalifa) Therefore, eat from the spoils you have earned, ...
(Hilali & Khan) So enjoy what you have gotten of booty in war, ...

Spin control much?

I missed something about Badr, too. Mohammed wanted to kill all the Qaynuqa tribe! Srsly.
Muhammad besieged them for fifteen days and prevented any of them from getting out. They then surrendered at the discretion of Muhammad. They were fettered, and he wanted to kill them, but Abd Allah b. Ubayy spoke to him on their behalf. ....
... he said: "Damn you, you treat my mawali well. Four hundred men without armour and three hundred with coats of mail, who defended me from the Arab and the non-Arab alike, and you would mow them down in a single morning? By Allah, I do not feel safe and am afraid of what the future may have in store." So Muhammad said: "They are yours."
   (Quoting Tabari here)
So this is the muslims own historians telling about their dude, there doesn't seem to be any doubt about this happening, Mohammed wanted to murder 700 surrendered, tied-up guys. Somehow muslims still consider this guy to be the perfect man. WTF?!?  Some people just don't see mass murder as character flaw.