the Big Bad Battle of Badr

The Battle of Badr, March, 624.  I was too disgusted to notice but ch 8 was all about this battle too. Hey, one little murder won't get you enough loot to write a whole chapter about.  This is the big time, baby.  Right after their first successful terrorist attack on the caravans, another one comes from Syria with 30-40 guards, so Mo rounds up 300 guys. Wow, he could never do that in Mecca. Nothing makes your theology believable like passing out stolen loot, hmm?

Naturally, since these guys were passing by, minding their own business, the Righteous Men of Allah (sarcasm tag on? good.) drew up a plan to ambush them by the wells at Badr.
It turns into a clusterfuck when they can't keep it secret, the caravan splits, the Meccans get wind of it and send an army, and there's a crappy little battle. The Meccans weren't really into it, the caravan being gone and all, so they lost. The Mo-men took a few prisoners, threw the dead Meccans into the wells (wtf?!) and went back. No serious loot yet, notice, but don't lose faith in Mighty Mo. He went to the Jewish section of town and told the Qaynuqa tribe they had to join his cult. (They were rich jewelers and goldsmiths, but that has nothing to do with anything at all. I don't know why I mentioned it.) They said no, so he besieged them. Look on the approved list of debate tactics, you'll find “besiege” about halfway down. Just to help out, god handily sent lines 3:10-13,

3:10  Those who disbelieve will never be helped by their money, nor by their children, against GOD. They will be fuel for Hell.
3:11  Like Pharaoh's people and those before them, they rejected our revelations and, consequently, GOD punished them for their sins. GOD is strict in enforcing retribution.
3:12 Say to those who disbelieve, "You will be defeated, then gathered in Hell; what a miserable abode!"
3:13 An example has been set for you by the two armies who clashed - one army was fighting in the cause of GOD, while the other was disbelieving. They saw with their own eyes that they were twice as many. GOD supports with His victory whomever He wills. This should provide an assurance for those who possess vision.

which are prophet-babble for “god wants me to kill you and steal your shit”. They surrendered, he ran them out and took over their houses and stuff, cause hey they were just sitting there empty. There was around 2000 people, so that explains why god needed a whole chapter about stolen goods. He's all fair and just, allah is.

This battle's real important, cuz the muslims won, and that proved god was on the side of the muslims. Cuz god don't back losers. That's why the Six Day War .... uhh ... the Yom Kippur War ... hey look penguins.  Also Abu Jahl got killed. Remember him? Camel guts?  Well, when Mo's uncle died, he took over running the tribe in Mecca, just to make Mo's Year of Sorrow suck even harder. Now he's dead, Abu Sufyan takes over, and he had no beef with Mo. In fact later he surrenders Mecca to them, but no fair peeking ahead. If I have to slog through all this so do you.

So there it is, the perfect human setting his 'Divine example for men and women of all ages'. 

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