11/1/09

Happy HallowEid


Yesterday was Halloween. Did the usual: went to see a child molester in fancy robes with arcane symbols, who performed obscure rites to invoke denizens of the other world, and compelled them to unleash their powers to magically transform our dinner into the flesh and blood of a real corpse, which we then cannibalized, all the while engaging in masochistic rituals of patellar abuse. It was fun.

For some reason, though, the Christians say it's Eeeeevil!!! As usual I wondered what the Holy Book® said about it, so I went to Islamweb to get the Islamic Perspective. Hilarity ensued.

This is a serious matter and one not to be taken lightly, sez Mr Unidentifed, and a continuous war must be waged against all customs and practices which originate from societies' ignorance
Yes, it's war. War, I tell you, against the customary use of the possessive 's. And why is that? It's because

Islam has strongly forbidden Muslims from following the religious or social customs of the non-Muslims, especially those of the idol-worshippers or those who worship the devil.
There you have it. Proper spelling is devil-worship. Doa'nt doo et evvur..

Halloween is one of the worst celebrations due to its origins and history. It is Haraam (forbidden) to partake in such a practice, even if there may be some seemingly good or harmless elements in it, as evidenced by a statement from the Prophet : "Every innovation is misguidance, even if the people regard it as something good." [Ad-Daarimi]
No matter how good it is, any innovation is Haraam. Vaccines? Haraam! Anesthesia? Haraam! Electronics? Haraam! Flush toilets? Haraam! You're just imitating the infidels, y'see, and that's—you guessed it—Haraam!

Muslims are enjoined to neither imitate the behaviour and customs of the non-Muslims, nor to commit their indecencies. Behaviour-imitation will affect the attitude of a Muslim and may create a feeling of sympathy and God help us if we ever start having sympathy for one another. A muslim, sez he, should not be a blind imitator. LOL, the irony, it's inside the wire! Don't forget that
Prophet Muhammad said: The Final Hour will not come until my followers imitate the deeds of the previous nations and follow them very closely" [Al-Bukhaari] Which just confused me, because the previous people were pumpkin-carving pagan polytheists, so if we imitate them, which we mustn't do,,,,,Head-KaBloowey!!! He only cites the hadith, never the quran, but whatever it means,

We have established, beyond a doubt, that the celebration of Halloween is absolutely forbidden in Islam - it is Haraam.
And by “we”, he means him, Mr. Notenuf Nads to Namehisself, but hey we get the drift. Haraam!!, right? What to do? What to do?

... leave the front lights off and do not open the door. Educate your neighbours about our Islamic teachings. Inform them in advance that Muslims do not participate in Halloween, and explain the reasons why. (Give them a copy of this article if needed.)
Ah, shit! Now we'll have Moslems pounding on our doors along with Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons. Fortunately, most Muslims seem to think all this is just as silly as I do. What they don't realize is that this whole thing could be actually a terrorist plot. Be afraid amused, be very amused.


2 comments:

myminddroppings said...

You said: "No matter how good it is, any innovation is Haraam. Vaccines? Haraam! Anesthesia? Haraam! Electronics? Haraam! Flush toilets? Haraam! You're just imitating the infidels, y'see, and that's—you guessed it—Haraam!"

You overlooked toilet-paper. Its Haraam. Back to the 5 pebbles (or was it three)?

myminddroppings said...

Just checked out IslamWeb. Came across this gem in the About Us section:

"As a rule, Islamweb adopts balanced and moderate views, devoid of bias and extremism. It is designed to address the interests of a wide audience - casual viewers, new converts to Islam, and Muslims of long standing."

Sounds like Faux News to me.

By the way... if all innovations are Haraam then how about the internets? What does that make of islamweb.com??