Quran Fish Story

See what I've got to work with? Here's your typical koran story, no background, no setting, no explanation: Moses and his helper went to the beach and saw a fish, and then came back. Big woo. Next—no there's no transition; why do you even ask?—Moses found some guy he wanted to study under. Yes, I know moses talks to god. I have no idea why he wants to learn from this dude, or who he is. It's the koran, remember?

The guy agreed but Mo had to promise not to ask questions (18:65-70). He scuttled some boat they were in, and Mo accused him of trying to drown them (v70-73). Then the guy commits a murder (!!!). Mo not only does nothing to stop it, he apologizes for even asking about it! Taken in context, Moses' shady past makes this believable (74-76). They go on to a town, nobody'll feed them, Mo bitches that they could've charged for some work the guy did rebuilding an old wall (77-78). Finally, it explains things (79-82).

He fixed the wall because there was money under it that belonged to two orphans and god didn't want them to find it till they were grown up. He wrecked the boat to foil cops god told him were coming to confiscate it. The murder, why he murdered this kid, was

80 "As for the youth, his parents were people of Faith, and we feared that he would grieve them by obstinate rebellion and ingratitude (to Allah and man).
81 "So we desired that their Lord would give them in exchange (a son) better in purity (of conduct) and closer in affection.

Wrap your mind around that shit.

Then, Zul-qarnain (Same guy? I don't know, never heard of him) went to where the sun rises (ROFL). He didn't do anything there so I don't see why they mention it, but then he went to where it sets (ROFLMFAO—it actually says the sun sets in a muddy spring. LULZ!) Then he went somewhere and blocked off some mountain pass with a big wall—made out of iron covered with lead.

I'm betting archaeologists have never found a trace of this wall, but the worst is what happened at the muddy spring. If I'm reading this right—“sending somebody to the Lord” means killing them, right?—he gave orders to kill all the unbelievers.

87 He said: "Whoever doth wrong, him shall we punish; then shall he be sent back to his Lord;
88 "But whoever believes, and works righteousness, he shall have a goodly reward,

So here's what we've got. A fish swam in a straight line, two murderers went on a crime spree, and a genocidal ruler built a wall.

Why's it tell us these stories? What's the point? I have no idea. Oh, one other thing; these are the good guys. Apparently role models for us to wannabe, these murderers are. If we can't accept that like good little cultists, we could look in the virgintillions of hadith, but some muslims say we'll burn in hell if we do, and remember, knowledge is bad.
Well, fuck it, I'm going to look this up. Stay tuned.


Bring on the Backhoes!

(non-koran post)
Beethoven and I have been attending lots of consultations, social events where we nod and say “yeah, yeah, ok” while doctors tell us a lot of useless details, and how serious it all is, and don't laugh at our jokes. We're in the part of the job where you open the hood and everyone stands around, looks at the engine, and talks. I'm ready to do my job, which is to lay there, a task for which I am fully qualified, and sooner or later they will stop leaning on shovels and start digging, but for now we're just waiting to get a date. It's looking to be less romantic than some I've been on.

We've been consulted at by all kinds of doctors including a plastic surgeon, even though my boobs are fine. I've agreed to a “resection of paraspinal sarcoma with plastics closure.” That sounds like a ziplock, but really means they want to hack out a slab of muscle from somewhere else to plug the hole they make in my back. Creepily, they eyeballed my shoulder muscles and made remarks like “There's some good healthy tissue here, yum yum, and here... You're a prime candidate for the cooking pot operating table.” No drooling, but they did look at me like a piece of meat.

All this wading in with hipboots and backhoes is because Beethoven measures about 8cm in diameter, some bigger than a baseball, and he'll take muscle with him when he goes, leaving a big hole that would leave me all lopsided: I'd have to find a crooked house and a crooked cat. Besides the list of nine possible problems including death, there will be permanent weakness, and likely permanent numbness, but my body contours will be “more or less normal”. Yay! Somebody thinks this is a good idea?
If I leave Beethoven alone though, he'll go back to his old ways, gaining weight and putting claws in my backbone. I try to avoid racial profiling, but his sort do metastasize, a fancy word for “have offspring in parts of your body where no one needs to be poking around.”

I won't get to keep him on my mantle. We've found a space for him at the Biorepository, a horrid catacomb of bottled specimens deeply, and mercifully, hidden under the bowels of the Hospital, where hordes of grotesque and monstrous entities lie dead but dreaming, darkly plotting a terrible Day of Retribution on which to rise and displace humanity forever. He'll be happy there.

I suppose it's for the best, but I'll hate to see him go. We're really close, we go everywhere and do everything together. Heck, we're blood brothers! Whatever happens, I know his memory will stay with me for the rest of my life; if I wasn't afraid of terrible puns I'd say he's grown on me.


Parable of Jerk 'n Prick

Oh boy, a parable! Woot.

18:32 Set forth to them the parable of two men: for one of them We provided two gardens of grape-vines and surrounded them with date palms; in between the two We placed corn-fields.
18:33 Each of those gardens brought forth its produce, and failed not in the least therein: in the midst of them We caused a river to flow.

18:34 (Abundant) was the produce this man had : he said Wait, what man? You mean one of the two gardeners? Why don't you say so. “This man” could be Charles Manson. Or Muhammed. Or Howard Hughes. to his companion, in the course of a mutual argument: "more wealth have I than you, and more honour and power in (my following of) men."

18:35 He went into his garden in a state (of mind) unjust to his soul: He said, "I deem not that this will ever perish,

18:36 "Nor do I deem that the Hour (of Judgment) will (ever) come: Even if I am brought back to my Lord, I shall surely find (there) something better in exchange." He's a snotty sumbitch, Howard is. Thinks he''ll live forever.

18:37 His companion said to him, in the course of the argument with him: "Dost thou deny Him Who created thee out of dust, then out of a sperm-drop, then fashioned thee into a man?
18:38 "But (I think) for my part that He is Allah, My Lord, and none shall I associate with my Lord.
18:39 "Why didst thou not, as thou wentest into thy garden, (LOL, “wentest”) say: '(Allah)'s will (be done)! There is no power but with Allah.' If thou dost see me less than thee in wealth and sons,
18:40 "It may be that my Lord will give me something better than thy garden,

yeah, it may be; or it may be you're just a pathetic little bitch and that He will send on thy garden thunderbolts (by way of reckoning) from heaven, making it (but) slippery sand!- Huh? Sand is made by thunderbolts? It's slippery?

18:41 "Or the water of the garden will run off underground so that thou wilt never be able to find it." And WTF, your idea of something better is for the other guys garden to get blasted to smithereens. You're a jerk.

It's an argument between a colossal jerk and an egotistical prick, neither of which have names. Way to build empathy for your characters there, god.

18:42 So his fruits (and enjoyment) were encompassed (with ruin), Hold it. Whaddya mean “so...”? Mr Prick is bragging: Mr Jerk says maybe something'll happen; ... so it does? Not exactly logical. You should pull a Joseph Smith and say “so it came (cameth?) to pass that the Lord didst smite (smiteth?) the fuck outta Prick's garden” and he remained twisting and turning his hands over what he had spent on his property, which had (now) tumbled to pieces to its very foundations, and he could only say, "Woe is me! Would I had never ascribed partners to my Lord and Cherisher!" Epic Logic Fail! There's a storm, so he thinks it must be Allah, when obviously it was the Mighty Hammer of Thor. Worse yet, Epic Parable Fail. It never mentioned him ascribing any partners.

18:43 Nor had he numbers to help him against Allah, nor was he able to deliver himself. So it was Allah that wrecked his garden? Put out an APB on that perp.

18:44 There, the (only) protection comes from Allah, the True One.??? Protection comes from the one who commits the crime? Works for the Mob. He is the Best to reward, by trashing your fields and crops the Best to give success. Only success in this story is how Mr. Jerk got the God-father to wreck his competitor's business. That's the moral?

It really sucks that god can't manage stuff like transitions or pronominal reference: is he in middle school or what? Maybe the Arabic is better and it's just the translator who sucks, but still, that's no excuse for telling crappy parables. Any Omniscient Omnipotent God should supply a logical connection between the moral and what happens in the story. It's in the job description.



OH NOES, this blog might be offensive to Muslims. Yeah, probly. So what? To those who say it should be a crime to insult religions, I say, get a clue: it's impossible not to. If there is more than one religion, then by definition they insult each other, whether you let it offend you or not. Does god have a son? Say yes, you blaspheme islam; say no, you blaspheme christianity; say there's no god in the first place, you blaspheme both. That's just the nature of reality, and people who complain about it are infantile, cowardly, hypocrites.

Infantile because they allow themselves to be offended. Mature adults control their feelings. Immature children are not yet capable, so they throw tantrums, allow events around them to manipulate their feelings, and react with rage to things an adult simply shrugs off.

Cowardly because they are capable of growing up, they just won't do the necessary work. Maturity requires thought, introspection, self-awareness and change. All this is hard work, and can be frightening, and it's easier to give in to your fear and do nothing; don't grow up, mature, or learn to control yourself.

Islam wins the prize for hypocritical, with their pathetic attempt to ban defamation of religion. Mohammedan clerics constantly denigrate other religions; so does the koran. To pass this resolution is tantamount to banning Islam; the only way around that is to apply it unilaterally, which is their obvious intention—we must respect them, while they disrespect us. Fuck that.

I'm pagan, I hold the Earth sacred, all its denizens, and everything on it. I believe waste is wrong, that we should treat every part of our world, non-living or living, with respect.

This insults my religion.

I hold every one of my fellow creatures to be sacred. Our bodies, in every part and processes, are the handiwork of the gods, that should be admired and revered, not hidden in shame.

This insults my religion.

I hold nature to be sacred, and reject the astounding arrogance of thinking our puny works could ever approach the awesome wonder of our natural world. I revere the miracles that surround us, the grandeur of a forest that makes the most magnificent man-made structure insignificant.

This insults my religion

Whatever 'gods' or creator forces you feel are responsible for the world, there are lessons for us in the wind, rain, trees, in our DNA. A god that contacts us by writing some human language shows less wisdom than scientists who seek to contact other species by sending universal symbols. Especially today when we can read the message written in our genetic code,

This insults my religion.

If any Muslims feel offended by this blog--I'll stop making fun of your religion when you start respecting mine.


Something's Wrong Here

People in heaven will be all pimped out. They'll

18:31 be adorned therein with bracelets of gold, and they will wear green garments of fine silk and heavy brocade:

WTF? That's pretty weird since Mohammedans can't wear it. Hadith says so:

the Prophet said: “Silk is only worn in this world by the one who will have no share of the pleasure of the Hereafter.”(Bukhaari 5853)
the Prophet said: “Whoever wears silk in this world will not wear it in the Hereafter.” (Bukhaari, 5832).
same dude said "Wearing of silk and gold has been made unlawful for males and lawful for the females of my Ummah.'' (some website)

Wearing this stuff is ZOMG horribly wrong evil sinful, it gives god hemorrhoids or something, nobody is allowed to do it. But in heaven it's all de rigueur and god is down with it. What's sinful down here gives god the smileys up there? Do other things work that way too, like murder and robbery? Is heaven just one big rule-breaking orgy?

I went looking for WHY god has issues over Men in Silk, and guess what? It's juvenile hangups about sex. Surprise, surprise. NOT! Some silly website explained

Islam must safeguard the manly qualities of men from any show of weakness, passivity and lethargy”

Whole books have been written about what's wrong with that idiotic statement, some of them by wussy-assed silk-wearing guys like this -->.

Mohammedans can't show a sign of weakness like Sun Tzu advised, or Miyamoto Musashi. Dasn't ever learn Tai Chi or Jujitsu. Sucks to be them, but they can look forward to looking just all Fabulous in paradise. Must have something to do with those youths of ever-lasting freshness. (Be sure to check out the poem by Abu Nuwas on that link : he sounds interesting. ) Lol, one more thing that's a sin this side of heaven but oh so good after you're in.

The creepiest thing is that Islam must, just absolutely must, safegaurd the mohammed-men's manly qualities. Why can't they grow up and safeguard themselves, why they need baby sitters? That limp-wristed silk-wearer in the picture didn't need anybody to safeguard his ass, I bet. Why can't the widdow itty mohammed-mans grow up and take care of themselves? Then they could wear whatever they want now instead of waiting for paradise? Unless Islam doesn't WANT them to grow up.

Hey, I could be onto something, d'ya think?


Zombies in the Quran

Ok, so now Mohammed is talking about the 7 Sleepers of Epehsus.

18:18 Thou wouldst have deemed them awake, whilst they were asleep, and wouldst certainly have been filled with terror of them.

Doesn't say why. Maybe he made them be creepy stary-eyed zombie dudes. That would explain how nobody came around to bother them for 300 years. ZOMFG! Look, Zombies! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Anyway, he bumbles through the story and says he told us it so “there can be no doubt about the Hour of Judgment”. Huh? Some guys slept, so ... (?) I fail to see the connection.

Wait, I've got it. There were zombies in this cave, right, so that proves zombies are real, man, and on the day of judgment we'll all be rotted, flesh-craving undead just like them. Dude, it'll be awesome!

OTOH, I don't even like brains. I'm not the only one either, it says people dispute about it.

18:21 (Some) said, "Construct a building over them": ... "Let us surely build a place of worship over them."

Yikes! Wouldn't that hurt? Then they dispute over how many sleepers were in the “7 Sleepers” story (uhhh, seven?), and Mohammed settles that by saying “my lord knoweth best” and “don't enter into controversies.” Clears that right up. God knows the answer, so we don't need to. I'll use that on my next physics exam.

Creationism much? They don't have an answer, they just say “god knows how.” Well BFD. So what, if he's not telling us? When I report to the job site to construct a building over those poor 7 sleepers, if the bossman tells me “my lord knowest how” he ain't getting any work. I want blueprints.

v23 & 24 keep on with the fatalism, tell us to always hedge by saying “Inshallah”, a good excuse to sit on your ass and do nada cuz it's Allah's will. Then it degenerates into more torture porn and bling. But the zombies were fun.


The Cave, 18:1-16

Chapter 18 starts out with the usual, it's Christians who'll go to hell this time, and god don't let no unclarity into the koran, no sir, which is a mountain range of IRON E considering what's coming up. There's serious crazy ahead, like the dam holding it all back from the last few chapters has finally burst. It's the Book of Revelations of the koran, starting here---

9 dost thou reflect that the Companions of the Cave and of the Inscription were wonders among Our Sign?

No, I dost not reflect, because I hast not the foggiest idea what you're talking about. Who? What? Why?

10 Behold, the youths betook themselves to the Cave: they said, "Our Lord! bestow on us Mercy from Thyself, and dispose of our affair for us in the right way!"

What youths? What cave? What affairs? What the fuck, and What for should I care?

11 Then We draw (a veil) over their ears, for a number of years, in the Cave, (so that they heard not):

12 Then We roused them, in order to test which of the two parties was best at calculating the term of years they had tarried!

13 We relate to thee their story in truth: they were youths who believed in their Lord, and We advanced them in guidance:

Oh please do. Relate to me their story. Then I'd have some idea what you're babbling about. Some guys went in a cave and you made them deaf for a lotta years, and then you ...did something, roused them—from deafness? ...and wanted parties ... ? .. to test ... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU RAVING?

14 We gave strength to their hearts: Behold, they stood up and said: "Our Lord is the Lord of the heavens and of the earth: never shall we call upon any god other than Him; if we did, we should indeed have uttered an enormity!

15 "These our people have taken for worship, gods other than Him: why do they not bring forward an authority clear (and convincing) for what they do? Who doth more wrong than such as invent a falsehood against Allah?

16 "When ye turn away from them and the things they worship other than Allah, betake yourselves to the Cave: Your Lord will shower His mercies on you and disposes of your affair towards comfort and ease."

You talkin to me? You're back on that cave kick? I thought you'd changed the subject. OK, I give up. God's crappy unintelligible gibberish perfectly clear book is never going to shed any light on this. Google to the rescue! Click! Type! Enter! Scroll! Annnnd, Enlightenment! (something you never get from this book)

It's talking about a 5th century Syriac legend, 'The Seven Sleepers of Ephesus'. The Romans accused these kids of being Christians, the kids went up in a cave, did a Rip van Winkle and woke up 300 years later. Why couldn't god just say that? It's one line! Well, two or three, since god's such a windbag, but still, a little background information, set your scene, identify your characters, is that asking too much?

Now that we've gone against god's advice and looked in some other book than his, we can finally make some sense of his aphasic attempt at a story. Just imagine if Allah HAD allowed any crookedness in this book(v1) or NOT made it straight and clear (v2). Scary.


Turn the Page

A third through the Late Meccan chapters we come to Sura 88: the Overwhelming, the same way we'd come to a little town on a long and lonesome highway somewhere east of Omaha. You can look up from the corn chip bag, the driver says “Ah-ha; We just passed Overwhelmsburg”, and you say “You mean that grocery store?”

In the whole last sixteen chapters there's been nothing much that's new. But your thoughts will soon be summarized, the way you always do, and you don't feel much like reading, you just wish the book was through.
Here I am, writing poems again. Here I am, nothing to say. Had some notes, made them rhyme again. This Surah goes this way.

Judgment day's a-comin',
lotta peeps is gonna burn.
The cultists will be happy,
when it gets to be their turn.
Show them all the things around them,
tell them it will come to pass.
And if they never listen,
god is gonna kick their ass.


God is a Sadist, ho hum.

I almost didn't write anything about Sura 51, because there's absolutely nothing new in it. It starts out swearing by the wind and the sky like in the old days, then recaps the MosesAdThamudNoah threat, then it has another identity crisis--

47 With power and skill did We construct the Firmament:.. 48 And We have spread out the earth:... 49 ... We have created pairs...

This sure sounds like god talking. Mohammed had an ego, but he didn't claim to create the world, so far anyway, so I guess this is god here. But now with no warning, no transition, no nuthin', it says

50 Hasten ye then to Allah. I am from Him a Warner to you...

Whaa??? God says this? Oh, he turned the mic over to Mohammed, I get it. Sometimes in a really bad movie they just keep switching scenes for no reason, till the plot gets lost and follows somebody home, and your interest goes with it, and you walk out of the theater--it's like that. A few lines later, it switches again. All of a sudden, it's God-to-Mo. I guess.

54 So turn away from them: not thine is the blame. 55 But teach (thy Message) for teaching benefits the Believers.

You still in this theater? Not me, I'm gone. I'm outta there. Just in time to catch this really weird part over my shoulder as I leave;

56 I have only created Jinns and men, that they may serve Me.
57 No Sustenance do I require of them, nor do I require that they should feed Me

Don't feed god, y'hear? And it's back to god telling you, straight up. It makes me wonder, what about all the sacrifices? Give it to me or you'll burn in hell, but I won't eat it? God loves to waste stuff.

There's one really awful line in here. It's talking about J-day, and it has this to say to the people in hell:

14 "Taste ye your trial! This is what ye used to ask to be hastened!"

It doesn't say which sadists are getting their rocks off by mocking the sufferers. The 'good' people in heaven? The kind and loving god? Whoever it is, they totally lack any kind of empathy, compassion or morality. Not satisfied with people suffering endless agony, they have to taunt them along with.

This really makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

Like I said, there's nothing new in this chapter.


Knowledge is Bad

The book keeps saying so. Like here:

42:14 ... they were not divided until after knowledge had come to them.

How do Mohammedans explain that? Daralislamlive.crap sez,

Chapter 42, The Consultation

'The chapter concentrates on the importance of unity and the dangers of being divided. ... This is why we find ... “And they were not divided after knowledge had come to them.” So differences in opinion are allowed but being divided is prohibited.'

See what they did there? The original says 'until after', not 'after'. That's right—they just leave that word out. Problem solved. You can use this technique to remove all kinds of obstacles, like in the ten commandments: Thou shalt kill. Thou shalt covet. Thou shalt commit adultery. Whooo, hooo, divine sanction!!! Crime spree here I come!

This knowledge hating isn't just here, either, it's all through god's books.

45:17 it was only after knowledge had been granted to them that they fell into schisms,
41:45 Had it not been for a Word that went forth before from thy Lord, (their differences) would have been settled between them:
3:19. and the people of the Book did not differ until knowledge (of this revelation) had come to them,
10:92 So they did not differ until they came to have knowledge.

This goes way back before the koran. Before the torah. To ancient Sumerian stories about the Tree of Life, symbol of the Mother Goddess, the source of fruit that gives life. Bad fruit gives not so much life. Really good fruit would give immortality, like a god has, say the head honcho, Anu (There's no s).

The Abraham cults don't care much about immortal life. Or even life at all. For them the difference between gods and people is that gods know what's good and evil, and people don't. When they tell the story god makes another tree, one that when you eat the fruit you “become as a god, knowing good from evil”. There's no tree to make you honest, though, and god isn't. He lies to people that they'll die if they eat the god-fruit. (I'm quoting Genesis here, y'unnerstand)

The Sumerian symbol of wisdom, the talking snake, is still in the story. Being smart, he knows what's going on, and not being a prick, he tells the one of the people.

“You won't die, that's just a line Anu uses, trying to keep the slaves stupid.”

She believes this other god, Ningishida, 'Lord of the Good Tree', and eats the fruit that makes her “as a wise god”. Before, when she was ignorant, she fell for Anu's scam, didn't eat, stayed stupid. Now that her “eyes are opened” and she is “as a god” and knows what's good and what's not, you'd expect her to do what was good, wouldn't you? And by golly she does. She has the other person eat the fruit too. Now they're both “as gods,” and “know good from evil”. Yay!

Happy all around ? Not quite. Anu comes back, pissed, and tells the snake god that “the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil:” and now they'll probably eat the immortality fruit too, and they'll be JUST AS GOOD AS US. OH NOES!!! So he kicks them out.

Amazingly enough, the moral of this story is not that god's a lying dick. It's that the snake, who is not only smart but helpful, is the bad guy; and that doing something that gives you god-like wisdom is a sin worse than a fart in a rimjob. Remember--



Mohammed's Rough Draft

46:29 brings up the jinns again, that we saw in ch72. I just can't take this serious:

BWAAHAHAHA, those pagans are so STOOPID!

They think there is one main supernatural being over everything, called Hubal. What a joke! They're too DUMM to see that Allah is the one supernatural being over everything. Those morons think there's lesser spirits that run errands for this 'Hubal', like deliver messages like the angel Jibril did for Mohammed. They even give some of their made-up spirits names, like 'Lat', and 'Uzza', and 'Manat'—and get this, think they're more powerful than other gods and goddesses, the way Jibril and Iblis are more powerful than the other Jinns and Angels. I can't stop laughing. What a bunch of saps those pagans are!

And they do really idiotic stuff. Like, they think their gods live in some certain place, so they'll go clear across the country to go kiss some special black rock or something. They go around reciting prayers to protect themselves, cause they think their gods bring bad luck sometimes, you know, like Jinns do. Other times they think their lesser gods and goddesses are good and help people, as if they were angels or something. It's just too pathetic! Thanks be to Allah, I don't believe in any ridiculous stuff like that!

Huh! All you did was change the names: Hubal—>Allah, ...

What?! Blasphemy!

...Lat, Manat, & Uzza, —> Jibril & Iblis ...


... lesser gods & goddesses—>angels & jinns ...



Book Wars

Raggin' on the the polytheists again, Mohammed issues a challenge:
46:4Have you considered what you call upon besides Allah? Show me what they have created of the earth, or have they a share in the heavens? Bring me a book before this or traces of knowledge, if you are truthful”

OK, I'll call your bluff, and bring you the Popol Vuh. It tells how the gods Tepeu and Gucumatz made humans out of mud, and then wood; destroyed them all in a worldwide flood; turned people into apes (monkeys actually); it gives the genealogies of the tribes, tells of Xibalba (hell) and it's overseer Ah Puch; and the god Kinich Ahau who controls the sun, the goddess Ix Chel who sends the rain, and Yumil Kaxob who brings us maize. Show you what they've created? Right here, this ear of corn you're nomming on. The Popul Vuh's the straight dope, from the gods. This other book of yours is just stories.I could have used the Tattvartha or the Gathas or lots of other books, so I don't see how this lame argument gets any air time, unless people are rilly rilly ignernt. Oh, right.


Shit Logic

credits: deer bear otter

In the heavens and the earth are Signs(45:3), and in the animals(:4), the alternation of Night and Day, rain, wind(:5) ... and that nasty old unbeliever, “when he learns something of Our Signs, he takes them in jest"(:9).

Well yeah, I did that, because you're funny. I try to take you seriously, I really do, but the holes in your arguments are big enough for star clusters to form: The world exists, therefore, face a rock in Arabia to bang your head on the ground.

Would I be too forward to suggest your chain of logic is missing some links? If I suggest you don't have a chain, just two links held apart by vast abysms of gullible? Your assumptions, let me show you them.

I'll give you your answer to question 1, yes, there's all those stars and wind and critters, that's the Universe, call it U [for Uzza. lol. See what I did there? (you can call it “a force or amalgamation of forces such as space-time and gravity”, but then you're just being geeky)]. Most likely it's always been there, but you say it had a creator, call it Al, so you have to go back and ask if Al exists, and if Al had a creator. You'll catch up with me and Occam at Q3, where we have to start describing U and Al. No! You don't get to look in your book until we get to Q13! No peeksies. And buddy, you need reasons to make your huge Spiderman leaps to any of these conclusions. I'm not seeing them in this book.

**suggestions on how to improve this flowchart will make me go all tingly


Lord of the Bling

44:37 ... the people of Tubba and those who were before them ...

Tubba? Super Mario is in the Koran? Nah, it turns out that was the ruling tribe of the Himyar kingdom, down south. God expects everyone to be up on their Ancient Yemeni history, obviously. But what about these non-tele-Tubbies? Wait, let me guess—you killed them all, amirite? Bingo, gold star, here's the rest: ... “We destroyed them because they were guilty of sin.” Lol, if you didn't see that coming you're just not paying attention.

People in heaven'll be

44:53 Dressed in fine silk and in rich brocade,

what the hell? You have to get dressed up for heaven? Have to wear a tie? Can't go braless? If I run around in raggedy old jeans and T-shirt, will they kick me out? Having to wear nylons is not my idea of heaven, I was thinking a little more spiritual, like John Fogarty describes heaven this way. His lyrics are about everyone being friends, no battles, plenty of time, happy children... sounds good to me. Mohammed describe his idea of heaven in sura 43, “ornaments of gold”

43:33 .. We would provide ... silver roofs for their houses and (silver) stair-ways on which to go up,
43:34 And (silver) doors to their houses, and thrones (of silver) on which they could recline,
43:35 And also adornments of gold.
43:71 To them will be passed round dishes and goblets of gold: there will be there all that the souls could desire,

Whoa, pimpdaddy, it's a crack dealer's wet dream! You'd need some wicked shades in a whole town made out of silver, though, it'd be like the House of Mirrors. A silver couch? I'll stick with foam rubber, thnx.

Seriously, every time Mo describes heaven its always in term of material riches, exactly how you see the evil rich drug lord living, in the movies, before the good guy ruins his shit. Where's the uplifting moral message in that? A lot of expensive crap is the best possible reward Mohammed can think of? Fogarty sounds a lot closer to what my soul would desire, if I had one. Plus he sings better.


God's Dangly Bits

This from a discussion group:

Q = Does Allah have gender? Is He male?
A = The Arabic word Allah has no gender.

Well, Duh, it's a word, and words don't have dangly bits. They have noun classes, aka “grammatical gender” sometimes, but when you say that people go looking for god's penis, so I avoid the word gender like it had herpes and I only talk about noun classes.

The Arabic grammar has only two genders noun classes,

First class = words for {garden, table, life ... }
Second class = words for {door, path, book ... }

What's the difference? Easy. Words in the first class all end in the letter ta or alif. All the words that don't are in the second class. Allah ends in the letter ha, so it's second class. God's dick has nothing to do with it.

Not that anyone has ever seen him so they'd know, but all the experts agree that Allah is neither male nor female, and is just too good for all that icky sticky sex stuff. No nooky for god, but OH NOES, Arabic only has two pronouns, 'she' and 'he', so which one do I use for her him god? It'd be easy if god spoke English, because we don't have noun classes, just three pronouns: it, she, and he. Since Allah is supposed to not be a 'she' or a 'he', you use “it”. No problem.

Arabic only has two pronouns, though: hiya 'she', and huwa 'he'. The koran always uses huwa. Why do you suppose that is? I see three possibilities—we can have a poll!


1. It's an epicene pronoun, where you use one form for a mixed group, like the English gender neutral masculine in :

Man is a Mammal that Suckles His Young.”

If you don't like that monstrosity, you don't get “Praise Allah and His works” either. You gotta change all the his-es to its-es. You'd have to rewrite the koran.

2. “'He' is used only out of respect and dignity - not for gender.”
This is some kind of party line talking point, because I see it repeated word for word on one Islamic site after another. They must call their moms 'he', since saying 'she' would show disrespect and indignity. Male chauvinist pig, aims at sanctimony, shoots self in foot. Which brings us to our third choice:

3. These guys are all a bunch of misogynistic jerks, with sad little dicks that shrivel up at the mere thought of god not being EXACTLY LIKE THEM.

Number three gets my vote. What do you think?

We Interrupt This Program to Bring You Easter

Well, it's Easter again. Shit.
I should be thinking of Spring, and rebirth, and the blossoming foliage bursting out all around me, but it's always hard to shepherd the memories ... Easter Sunday, a heartache ago, our little toddler home from the hospital, his illness in remission, we took him to the park, with easter eggs, and helped him find them in the grass. He had a good time, rare for him at that late stage of his disease, and went home happy. He climbed up on a chair on the porch, somehow fell off, hit his head, went into convulsions, and in three days he was dead.
Childhood leukemia was always fatal in those days, and everything the doctors did just made it worse. Today, he would survive, and I tell myself the drugs and methods they tried, even though they failed him, eventually worked, so in that way he helped other kids. He was a brave, brave little guy. I love him.
Easter is particularly poignant this year, since we have a new baby in the household, named in his honor. Then of course, I've got Beethoven excavating old memories. The world is blooming, and the great circle of life carries on. sigh.


Uzza Gets Lippy

43:16 What! has He taken daughters to Himself of what He Himself creates and chosen you to have sons?

Of course he has, you silly twit. He's god, after all, he knows everything, and if males were better he'd pick them. But he doesn't. Cavepeople figured this out way back in the cave people days. Jesus, try to keep up.

If there is a god, Oog said to Moog, it has more in common with females than males. For starters it has to create new life, and nurture its children, and you don't see a lot of men breastfeeding and giving birth. Males are optional, but you need females for the species to survive. Plenty of creatures do without males at all, but there aren't any species with only males and no females. God wouldn't pick a lot of measly sperm donors, if she's not female herself, she'd at least make females the center of things. Even bees have this figured out.

17 And when one of them is given news of the birth of that of which he sets up a likeness for Allah, his face becomes black and he is full of rage.

You're right, a bunch of hypocrites. What they oughta do is hold a big celebration in honor of their new godlike baby girl.

43:18 What! is one decked in ornaments and unable to make plain speech in disputes a partner with God?

19 And they make the angels--them who are the servants of the Beneficent Allah--female. What! did they witness their creation?

Fractally wrong question. First off, we don't make them females, they're already females. That's why we call them the Daughters of Allah, duhh... hello? They're not servants of god, they are gods. Daughters are not servants, asshole, no matter what kind of perverted fantasies you have. And finally, they're not angels. The Jews have angels, we have goddesses. If you like what's in the Jews' moldy old books so much, go be a Jew. Or a Christian. Just go. Epic Fail, Mo-man.

Did we witness their creation? Fuck you preacher man, yeah, we did witness the godesses' creation. We witness it every time we open our eyes. And what we see is a universe full of incredible beauty and wonder and miraculous things that are part of us. Your lame ass heaven and hell and petty little god aren't even a caricature. Piss off.

*** about that line 18...

Ahmadiyya says it's talking about idols,

43:18. The reference in this verse is to the idols which were bedecked with ornaments. The inability of the idols to speak is adduced by Abraham as an argument against their divinity (21:63), and the same inability of the idols to answer the prayers of their devotees is advanced as an argument against the divinity of the golden calf (20:89).

Kathir says it's talking about women.

this line “means, women are regarded as lacking something, which they make up for with jewelry and adornments from the time of childhood onwards, and when there is a dispute, they cannot speak up and defend themselves clearly, so how can this be attributed to Allah”

How the hell did he get that out of v18? Well, if you don't like what it says, get a different translator. Pick a women-hater like B. Moeinian:

43:18 How dare they assign a baby girl, wrapped up in ornaments and unable even to talk, as God's daughter?

There, fixed. It's still not clear if the beef is with having idols or the idols being female, but who cares as long as we get another chance to rag on the bitches, yo. Some translations are more misogynistic than that, others are more idol-istic. I don't know what it says in Arabic, but bottom line, nobody knows what it means so you might as well ignore it. Which could go for the whole book, now that I mention it.


Everybody's Talkin'

There's a big argument over how long it took god to create everything. The bible says 6 days, the koran says eight. Well it sorta does.

41:9 Say: Is it that ye deny Him Who created the earth in two Days?
41:10 He set on the (earth), mountains standing firm, high above it, and bestowed blessings on the earth, and measure therein all things to give them nourishment in due proportion, in four Days, in accordance with (the needs of) those who seek (Sustenance).
41:12 So He completed them as seven firmaments in two Days, and He assigned to each heaven its duty and command. And We adorned the lower heaven with lights, and (provided it) with guard

One blog had a huge comment war over this with Christians yelling “ SIX DAYS! THE BIBLE IS TRUE!” and moslems yelling “EIGHT DAYS! THE QURAN IS TRUE!” It was a muslim blog so they finally agreed with Zakir Naik, the way it's worded it could just as well mean things happened at the same time, so...six, like in the bible. I got no problem with that, except for nobody ever mentioned that missing verse 11. Here it is:

41:11 Moreover He comprehended in His design the sky, and it had been (as) smoke: He said to it and to the earth: "Come ye together, willingly or unwillingly." They said: "We do come (together), in willing obedience."

ROFLMAO! All that nitpicking over whether there is factual inconsistency in a book, and they completely ignore the fact that the book claims THE SKY AND THE EARTH CAN TALK! It's enough irony to smelt down and build battleships.

There's more lulz in here: it says people's skins will talk to them. No, seriously:

41:20 At length, when they reach the (Fire), their hearing, their sight, and their skins will bear witness against them, as to (all) their deeds.
41:21 They will say to their skins: "Why bear ye witness against us?" They will say: "(Allah) hath given us speech,- (He) Who giveth speech to everything:

Well, damn near everything. We've had talking birds, ants, and trees, but this is just getting ridiculous. Larry the Cucumber is kind of silly, but he's aimed at preschool kids. The koran's supposed to be for grown-ups. Isn't it?


The Essence of the Quran

The last 'Middle' and first 'Late' Meccan chapters are really all one long one, but it's split up into suras 40-46. It's called the Ha Mim group, cuz they all start with the same first lines “H. M.” Wooo, mysterious. According to the Hadith, “Everything has an essence, and the essence of the Qur’an is the family of Ha Mim”. We already covered one of these, ch42, and it basically doesn't say anything, so you could say the koran is like one of those really fluffy bagels with nothing inside but air. But not as tasty.

Cliff Notes:

40: People that don't believe Mo will go to hell, as usual.
41: ″
42: ″
43: ″
44: ″
45: ″
46: ″


Poverty Is Fun!

Muslims should be careful not to value the things of this world, because

What is the life of this world but play and amusement?” (6: 32).

Tell that to your average single mother ... asshole. This from a guy with a sugar mommy, who could afford to wander around preaching for ten years without working for a living. Eat shit, Mohammed.



This is from the LA Times, just couldn't pass it up.

Boy, if that doesn't fill you with disgust and loathing, I just don't know what to tell ya.

Beethoven Battles Bullies

Beethoven has had his baptism of fire, and emerged triumphant. The enemy generals at the Cancer Center have stopped assaulting him with radiation treatments. Although he has had to give up some territory, he has heroically stood his ground. My blood brother is still there in all his lumpy glory, refusing to yield, shouting “Cancer Pride”, and “Tumors Are Human Too!” At least that's what he'd shout if he had a mouth to shout with. Lucky for us, he doesn't.
Now that their initial forays have been successful, the Commanders of the Medical Alliance are holding conferences, planning their next offensive. There's talk of an “epidural resection of the residual mass”, an elegantly named procedure indistinguishable, as far as I can tell, from the rude “chop that sucker outta there”.
Me, I'm just collateral damage. My job is to lay there and serve as a battlefield while the proponent of constant unlimited growth battles it out with the advocates of socialistic regulation. The interventionists tell me their radiation poisoning keeps on for weeks after the last exposure, and I'm feeling some gurgle guts and things, but it's hard to tell if its from that or from junk food.
They ask me “Is there any pain?” and I'm “Yeah, mostly the PITA of having to come around here getting poked and measured and filling out forms”. I've got a big black spot too. I don't know what it looks like (I can't see my back) it's just a big blistery patch that itches. Some people get big fancy tattoos there, but nobody has one more uniquer than mine. It makes me special. Ugly, but special. For now, we're busily waiting for the sawbones sawboneses? sawbonsai? the medics to decide our fate, me and Beethoven are.

Crazed Killer Founds Religions

37:83-111 and all over
I've ignored the Quran talking about some child-abusing lunatic Abraham, because I hear so much about him from the Christians, how he was God's BFF, yadayada. I tell them he's fucking psychopath who wanted to murder his own kid, and they say “But he didn't kill him!” as if that made what he did just fine and hunky-dory.
What he did = tied his kid up and put him on an altar he built, took a knife and went to kill him, only stopping at the last second. That is known as a Mock Execution; a common form of torture; causes lasting PTSD-like psychological damage; is banned by the US Army Field Manual, the Geneva Conventions, and anyone with a fucken brain. Somehow, to members of these three religions, it's a sign of good character.
16:123 So We have taught thee the inspired (Message), "Follow the ways of Abraham the True in Faith,
SO...all three of these shitty monotheistic religions were founded by a psychopathic child abuser and his psychologically damaged son. Nothing unusual about them either, because 'God' tells people every day to kill their sons, daughters, mothers... Here's how one person came unhinged like old Abe. This particular prophet lunatic beheaded a fellow bus passenger, but some others write books, with things like
37:101 So We gave him the good news of a boy ready to suffer
These people are sick, sick, sick. They need to be made prisoners, not prophets. Yuck.


Awful Nawful

OH NOES, I may have changed the fate of the whole world! Somebody came saying they had seen a vision and asked my input, so I talked about how the human mind is capable of producing these kinds of experiences bla bla bla. D'ya spose I screwed up?

When Mohammed had his little episode in the cave, he went looking for advice too. (Well first he ran and hid under the covers like a pussy, and then he asked his wife, but then SHE took him to ask for advice, from her cousin.) This guy, Waraqa ibn Nawfal, was a bible thumper, and the dumb shit told Mohammed it wasn't any evil spirit he'd seen, it was the actual Angel Gabriel, and that Mo was a real Prophet. We all know how that turned out. But what if his Nawful advice had been better? He couldn't say “Seek therapy!” in those days, but what if he'd said "just chill, quit hanging out in caves, try to act normal". We could have been spared 15 centuries of religious wars. What a prick.

Maybe if I had told my friend they'd really been visited by Gawd, they'd've gone out and preached a new religion, and changed history. Darn!


Halfway Done

Yay us! We've blogged our way through just over half the Koran. 52%; 59 suras out of 114. Verse-wise, we've looked at about 3500, with another 2500 to go. That's no small feat. If this were a High School assignment half the class would be dropouts by now, or suicides. All you commenters get big heapy heaps of gratitude for keeping me going.
We're at the year 620. The last thirty chapters were revealed over the past two years, the Middle Meccan period. In the next two years, 620-622, Mo lays another 26 Suras on us, the Late Mecca group. Whoo, I can't wait.


You Offend Me

Such vast amounts of hypocrisy have gathered over New York that it has created its own gravitational field, captured the UN Human Rights Commission, and sucked it into the orbit of that absolute Black Hole of Hypocrisy, the Odious Ignoramus Club. The Commision crossed Event Horizon last Thursday by approving their sanctimonious resolution calling for laws against defaming religion (*a few days after the General Assembly rejected it). They urge “all States to ... reinforce existing laws ... to deny impunity for those who ...” do such awful things. So put the cuffs on me for saying this:

It is a matter of faith. We are obligated to hate Muslims because they are a murderous people, and the enemies of all that is good.The Muslims were behind World War I and World War II. The Muslims were behind the English Revolution. The Muslims were behind the French Revolution. The Muslims were behind the U.S. Civil War in 1869-1866 [sic]. The Muslims were behind the French coup of 1815. The Muslims were behind the war between France and Prussia. The Muslims were behind the rise of Communism. Karl Marx was a Muslim. The Muslims instigated war by means of sex. The Muslims are behind all the ruin and destruction in the world.”

Oh God, take this oppressive, Muslim, Islamist band of people. Oh God, do not spare a single one of them. Oh God, count their numbers, and kill them, down to the very last one."

OH SHIT! I got that all wrong, it's not Muslims we have to hate, it's Jews. Sorry, my bad. It wasn't even me saying it, it was Said Al-Afani, a sheek on Egyptian TV and the guy praying was another sheek, on Qatari TV. My racist bigotry still needs a lot of work. Not like this asshole, who practically jerks off watching actual footage of nazi concentration camps! (I wouldn't click on that link unless you really wanna ruin your day.) I'm down with defaming the shit out of people like that, but how could I do it? Dictionary, dictionary, let's see:

de·fame (v) 1: to harm the reputation of by the utterance of false charges or misrepresentations.

False, yeah, false is bad. I'd never say the Jews caused the US Civil War, because it would make me look like a FUCKING MORON. I'll have to hurt their reputation by saying true things about them. Hmmm. What is their reputation now, to start with? Free association time: Islam...9/11, Mumbai Massacre, honor killings, FGM, gays executed, women stoned to death, buried alive, acid sprayed in their faces, riots over this that and the other, banning Mickey Mouse, Harry Potter, the most common name in the world, love, air.

Jesus, they're worried about somebody making THAT reputation worse? You could easier sell AIDS injections. Here's a clue-if you don't want to be thought of as assholes, stop being assholes! And you'll notice, all these assholes quote the Quran at you. Speaking of assholes, what offends me is the idea that no one should offend their religion. They offend me, after all. In fact, I'm pagan, I think of the Earth itself as kind of sacred, but whenever I go outside, and I see something like this.
Offends the shit out of me. I guess I better go set fire to my neighbor's car.