Mohammed's Rough Draft

46:29 brings up the jinns again, that we saw in ch72. I just can't take this serious:

BWAAHAHAHA, those pagans are so STOOPID!

They think there is one main supernatural being over everything, called Hubal. What a joke! They're too DUMM to see that Allah is the one supernatural being over everything. Those morons think there's lesser spirits that run errands for this 'Hubal', like deliver messages like the angel Jibril did for Mohammed. They even give some of their made-up spirits names, like 'Lat', and 'Uzza', and 'Manat'—and get this, think they're more powerful than other gods and goddesses, the way Jibril and Iblis are more powerful than the other Jinns and Angels. I can't stop laughing. What a bunch of saps those pagans are!

And they do really idiotic stuff. Like, they think their gods live in some certain place, so they'll go clear across the country to go kiss some special black rock or something. They go around reciting prayers to protect themselves, cause they think their gods bring bad luck sometimes, you know, like Jinns do. Other times they think their lesser gods and goddesses are good and help people, as if they were angels or something. It's just too pathetic! Thanks be to Allah, I don't believe in any ridiculous stuff like that!

Huh! All you did was change the names: Hubal—>Allah, ...

What?! Blasphemy!

...Lat, Manat, & Uzza, —> Jibril & Iblis ...

BLASPHEMY!

... lesser gods & goddesses—>angels & jinns ...

SILENCE! I KILL YOU!

Mo Talks to the Trees ...

Really—Mo talks to the trees. Chapter 72 is a story of how some jinns heard about the koran and converted. A few commenters say these jinns were some group of people, although they can't agree on exactly who, but most of them just flat out believe there are actual real jinns running around, and they know they were really jinns because a tree said so! I thought this was just the wacko fringe element, but it turns out this is WHAT MOSLEMS ACTUALLY BELIEVE!! I'm just fucken speechless.


Y'know, when I started this project I thought Islam was just another religion, no more or less silly than any of the others. I thought the average non-radical muslim was getting a bad rap and I always stuck up for them. That position is getting harder and harder to maintain in the face of the fractal levels of ignorance and outright stupidity I keep seeing. The Koran may be turning me into an anti-moslem bigot; I hope not.

Anyhow, the chapter ends with this bit, which might be a clue as to why Mo wasn't getting any followers.

We're halfway through the Middle Meccan period. Mo was preaching in Mecca for about ten years, so by now he's been at it for about five. Hang in there, Mo, your ship camel will come in.

Jinns Eat Shit.

The koran never even tells you who or what Jinns are exactly, but while I was researching it I found this bit, which is just too good to pass up. Silliest Thing Yet award, we have a winner!!

From Al-Bukhari, “the most respected and prestigious Hadith collection”.

Volume 5, Book 58, Number 200:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

... in the company of the Prophet ... I walked with him and asked, "What about the bone and the animal dung?" He said, "They are of the food of Jinns.”

ROFLMFAO! SO there you have it. Official Moslem doctrine teaches that the world is full of a lot of invisible shit-eating ghosts. Does that explain the grin on this little guy?

Iblis

Mo tells the story of Iblis in Chapter 38, and then repeats it in his next revelation, chapter 7. Then he tells it again in surah 2. And 15. And 17. And 18. And 20. When your book's too short, don't you usually write some new material, instead of just repeating chapters? But this is the koran so it's no use being reasonable.

I've corrected enough Freshman English papers to recognize the technique: you don't really have a clear idea of what you're trying to say so you keep repeating the same things over and over. Mo, maybe; but God isn't sure what he's trying to say? God needs Remedial Composition? Pfft.

I guess Mo just made up the Iblis story, because it's not in the Bible. The best translation is the one at Lolkoran. Of course, the real quran doesn't end with playing in the yard, it ends with burning in hell—Allah being all-merciful and shit. Here's the Cliff notes version:

(11) God tells the angels to bow down to Adam but Iblis won't do it,

(12)says he's better'n Adam cause he was made of fire, not clay like Adam.

(13-15)So God tells him to go to hell, but lets him hang around till judgment day.

(16-17)Iblis says “I'm gonna tell everybody what an asshole you've been”

(18)and God's like “Yeah? I'll send them to hell too.”

He comes right out and says this:

7:179 And indeed We have created many jinns and men for hell;

There you go; god created people just so he could torture them. All-Merciful, he is.

???

Just some questions:

If this book has a consistent message, it's to not make anything a compeer of god, by bowing down to it. So why does god tell the angels to do exactly that? Isn't Iblis obeying god's command here?

Being proud or insolent or whatever gets Iblis sent to hell, but then god is happy jolly with him causing people endless torture. Isn't god being a little bipolar? And what's the moral? Letting your kid be a serial killer is fine as long as they're not sassy? Is that where I've failed as a parent?

Who or what is Iblis? Everyone says he is Satan, but I don't see anywhere it says that. Plus, no one knows if he is an angel (7:17) or a djinn (18:50); the Koran says both. To weasel out of this we have—TA-DAH!!--the “rule in Arabic grammar called tagleeb”. At least Zakir Naik does, because every reference I find traces back to him: He's trying to claim grammatical gender determines the meaning of words. Now I don't know Arabic, but I know linguistics, and in nerd talk, he confuses generic masculine with quantifier scope. In ordinary people talk, his rule says “I am an ignorant jackass who doesn't understand grammar”: and somehow this proves that Iblis is not an angel. It's Islamic Logic!

The Story of Q

No, not O, Q. You're thinking of something else. The title of chapter 50 is just “Q”, anyway the Arabic letter qaf . What's up with that, I wondered:

1. Qâf. [These letters are one of the miracles of the Qur'ân, and none but Allâh knows their meanings].

O shit, more secret letters! They set the bar pretty low for miracles, Hey look-- X – I've performed a miracle! I'm God's Messenger; send me your money by Paypal! Then I kept finding this explanation all over the web, word for word, so it must be important;

The Surah derives its name from the initial letter Qaf, thereby implying that it is the Surah which opens with the alphabetic letter Qaf.

WTF? Even after I looked up “imply” in the dictionary this doesn't make any sense. When I say this is stupid, I'm not implying it's stupid, I'm saying it's stupid. It's pathetic how these people are so hard up for miracles and meaning in their lives. They'd find real meanings and real implications if they looked in a book on astronomy, or biology—of course then they'd have to think. Never mind.

Ya gotta admit qaf makes pretty kickass boat, though.

That was a float at the 2006 Asian Games. (Click the picture) Anyhow after the miracles are over, it starts.

v1. Qaf. I call to witness the glorious Koran.

If this is god saying "Look what I wrote", it's stoopid. If it's Mohammed trying to puff himself up, it makes sense, but you'd have to be a filthy infidel to say that. I'll say that. Next those crazy unbelievers, they say that coming back to life after you die is far-fetched. Word, homes! Mo's devastating counter-arguments are: the book says so; look at the earth and the sky and stuff; God made everything; I'll kick your ass like I did Noah and them other guys. Fuck, I'm convinced; OBVIOUSLY dead people come back to life. Having incinerated his opponent with the blazing clear light of logic, he goes on describing his resurrection day fantasy, repeats the same arguments some more, and in the last line says

50:45 ...it is not for you to compel them.

Mo? ... Jihadis? ....Hello? ... God's on the line here. ... Anyone? ... Ben Stein?

There are angels in this chapter too, for shits and giggles. You know the old cliché about an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other? He seriously says this.

(17)When the two (angels) who keep the account, one sitting on the right, one on the left, take it down,

(18) There is not a word he utters but an observer is ready

Rofl! It also says there is one in front and behind (13:11) and his very next revelation he's gonna say there is one over you (90:4). WTF? Is there two? One? Five? Whatever; just remember there is no confusion in the Quran. Good thing the angels are invisible or we'd be tripping over them all the time. I have trouble enough with my cats.