I'm God!

So you're at work or somewhere and the boss spouts off with a gem like this,

“If I give an order, nobody has any choice but to obey it.” Rant rant. “I can never do anything wrong.”

what would be your reaction? You'd laugh your ass off, right? And say “Who died and made you god?”and “Sod off, you fucking egomaniac” and shit like that? I wanted to write some [uncontrollable mocking guffaw], but how do you spell that? Something like BWAHAHAHAHAAAA? Because look at this:

[33:36] No believing man or believing woman, if GOD and His messenger issue any command, has any choice regarding that command. Anyone who disobeys GOD and His messenger has gone far astray.

[33:38] The prophet is not committing an error by doing anything that is made lawful by GOD. Such is GOD's system since the early generations. GOD's command is a sacred duty.

Talk about ego. I could see it if he said that about god, but that's not what he's saying. “And his Messenger?” Eat me. Nobody has any choice but to obey his messenger? BWAHAHAHAHHAA.

That's how it always is with prophets. Give them an inch and they take a galaxy.What a dick.

Mohammed's Bad Year

I figured out the reason Mohammed's shit's been so lame lately. The last dozen or so chapters, really all the Late Mecca Period, the ones that have so been repetitious and boring, cover the years 619-622. Well shit, in 619 his wife died. When you've been married for 24 years, you're not gonna do your best work right after the funeral, even if you're a misogynist pig. So I'll cut old Mo some slack.

And that's not all of it. Moslems call this the year of sorrow, because the rich uncle that was protecting him, Abu Talib, he died too. Mohammed lost his Sugar Mommy and his Don Corleone in one swoop. Now he has to live on his own, hardly any followers, he's pissed off everybody in town and nobody has his back in case they decide to open a can of whoop-ass. No wonder his preaching sucked.

Mo Talks to the Trees ...

Really—Mo talks to the trees. Chapter 72 is a story of how some jinns heard about the koran and converted. A few commenters say these jinns were some group of people, although they can't agree on exactly who, but most of them just flat out believe there are actual real jinns running around, and they know they were really jinns because a tree said so! I thought this was just the wacko fringe element, but it turns out this is WHAT MOSLEMS ACTUALLY BELIEVE!! I'm just fucken speechless.


Y'know, when I started this project I thought Islam was just another religion, no more or less silly than any of the others. I thought the average non-radical muslim was getting a bad rap and I always stuck up for them. That position is getting harder and harder to maintain in the face of the fractal levels of ignorance and outright stupidity I keep seeing. The Koran may be turning me into an anti-moslem bigot; I hope not.

Anyhow, the chapter ends with this bit, which might be a clue as to why Mo wasn't getting any followers.

We're halfway through the Middle Meccan period. Mo was preaching in Mecca for about ten years, so by now he's been at it for about five. Hang in there, Mo, your ship camel will come in.

Mohammad Pouts.

Moving right along to the next schizophrenic delusion revelation in this disorganized jumble of gossip clear guide to life, we come to Chapter 50, verse 1:

1. The hour has come and split is the moon.

Wait...What?! There's two moons? WTF?

As usual with god's “clear, perfect and fully detailed instructions, this means something different with everyone you ask. I found five different explanations.

(1) People actually believe this really happened!! Seriously. It was reported by a number of Mo's homies, But the accounts don't agree:

IMsd says that he saw the peak of Mount Hira’ interposing between the two parts.

I‘Ab says that one of the two parts remained, while the other disappeared (Kf).

But now it's “accepted as correct” because "The incident is narrated in mutawatir (successively repeated) hadith with sahih isnad (sound transmission)". In other words, what Goebbels said, and using foreign words makes it even truthier.

(2) Other people have one toe firmly grounded in reality, and don't believe this could happen, but they do believe it was a miracle performed by Mo. Even though the koran doesn't allow miracles, and it's supposed to be infallible. Right.

(3) For people with most of one whole foot in, it refers to the day of judgment. Supposedly there's something called the prophetic past tense, that indicates the future, so if you mean 'is going to', you say 'went'. And since this verse is written in the present tense......uhhhh....

(4) Then there are people with no feet in reality, who zoom wheelchairs around outer space wearing tinfoil hats and say “This important sign of the approaching end of the world came to pass in 1969 when humans landed on the moon and brought pieces of the moon to earth.” WOO-ee, a Prophecy Fulfilled! Apparently this idea is pretty widespread. Meanwhile, outside the twilight zone,

(5) it's an idiom meaning something like 'the light dawned'. Even the most gullible twit should get a clue from the next line

2. But if they see a sign they turn away,

Yeah, nobody's impressed. Medieval moon-worshippers, why would they be? You can just see it, Abu comes into the tent, “Damndest thing just happened: Our God just broke in half.” and Fatima says, “How about that. Did you feed the camels?”

It looks like Mo tried to pull Columbus' stunt of taking credit for an eclipse, but he fucked it up and didn't convince anyone. So for the rest of the chapter, Mo pouts. “So turn away from them” he says. (v6) “they'll be sorry”, he says, like Noah, and 'Aad and Lot and on and on revenge fantasies for the rest of the chapter. “They think they have scriptures? They think they have an army? I'll kick their ass.” Really grade school.

You have to laugh when he says “They're the ones who're insane” (v47). He's still not quite convinced it's them and not him. Lol! Hang in there, Mo, there're plenty of other crazy people out there in opposite world. Trust me, they'll find you.

Muhammed is a Jerk

OMFG, here we go again. Chapter 80, the next one revealed, starts out;

(1) He frowned and turned away

Listen up god, because a certified ESL teacher is here to tell you that when you are talking directly to Mo, you don't say “he.” That, god, is for talking about someone else. When you talk directly to someone, god, like I'm talking to you now, god, you say “you.” It's the same in Arabic, not to mention all the other 6000+ languages your Omniscience-ness is supposed to know, so perhaps English as a Second Language is not the right approach for you, god, and you would do better in Special Ed. Hold it, there's a muslim on the line to explain:

LOL The use of the third person form here is significant. It suggests that the subject-matter is so distasteful to Allah that He does not like to confront His beloved messenger with it. This in itself is a gesture of mercy and kindness to the Prophet. Thus, the action which necessitated the reproof has been disguised with great subtlety. LOL

ROFLMAO, that may be what it suggests to you, buddy, but to me it suggests we got us another candidate for Special Ed. A guy that drowns every living thing on the planet can't bear to hurt little Mo's feelings. In words of three syllables, shee-yi-it.

There's pretty general consensus this was a real event. At a meeting between Mo and a bunch of the local chiefs, a poor blind man came up to Mo, and Mo seriously dissed him. Here god chews Mo out for it. The hadith explain what happened. God/Mo had commanded all the cultists to go fight, and the blind guy wanted an exception. Mo treated him like shit but he realized he had to change god's word, so he got another revelation excepting the disabled. Of course, that was in chapter 4, which supposedly was revealed years later, but what the hell.

But why's he putting bad stuff about himself in an official history again? Remember Mo's marketing plan = concentrate sales efforts on the rich chiefs. But the rich chiefs, and priests, don't like him. So like any canny Klan or Neonazi organizer, he turns his attention to where he can get recruits, with the ignorant racist trailer trash poor and oppressed of the town. How to explain to them his earlier pandering ? Well easy—a revelation showed him the error if his ways. Now he sees the truth---god likes these guys best! White Brown Bedouin muslim, yeah, Muslim Power!! The cultists try to explain that Perfect old Mo could never act shitty, and this was only a test, but I'll spare you more grade-school whining.

The rest of the chapter is standard book-thumping: nobody appreciates god, they'll be sorry on judgment day. Ho hum.

I told you so!

WHOOO-HOOO!! Remember back in my 9/10 post, Abu's an Asshole, where I diagnosed our buddy Mo? and said he had a bad case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Well looky what I found---a whole book telling me how right I was! Neener Neener Neener, Told Ya So! Don't mess with Uzza, bitches! LOL!

Seriously, the guy is a little too right-wing and I don't know how much faith to put in this, but it's nice to find out I'm not the only one who sees it this way.

I'm fucking Moses!

73 Moving right along, chronologically speaking, Chapter 73 is more whining, and Mo convinces himself he's just like Moses. Hell, he IS Moses! God has his back! Then in 74, he takes the plunge and decides god wants him to go inflict himself on other people. Like you weren't doing it already, Mr camel guts.

74 Mo goes back to the cave, resolves his doubts by having 'god' tell him yes, he should go start his own religion, then works himself up into a lather over some guy Walid that he can't convert, and all the hardships Mo'll inflict on him, till he splooges all over himself in verse 31 moaning about some weird secret hell number that only he'll know. Relaxing in post-orgasmic repose, he gloats for another 26 verses over Hell, until he even believes his own bullshit.

This last gloat-fest includes the sickest vision yet, a horrifying description of his homies sitting blissfully around in heaven's gardens casually conversing with--and taunting!--the people burning in hell. What kind of monster could watch his own family members being burned alive and contentedly pop another grape in his mouth and ask "My my, what did you do to deserve this? Gee, Mom,you must've been really bad. I bet that hurts, huh?" What a sick fuck. Pronounced lack of empathy? Check. Sociopathic personality? Check. The pieces are falling into place, and things don't look good for Arabia.

Red Flag!

An observation on 68:44-45. Immediately after three verses of ranting about how he'll kick ass, Mo immediately says he'll give respite. Red Flag! Although this seems not to make sense, anyone who studies domestic violence will recognize the pattern. Within the cycle of violence, the acting-out phase is always followed by the honeymoon phase where the abuser 'gives respite' and reestablishes his bona fides as being actually a good person, so that the cycle can continue. And sure enough, in the hadiths we read about Mohammed punching his teenaged bride Aisha.

The koran is full of contradictory sets like that: 9:5 kill them → 9:6 give them asylum; 8:60 strike terror in them → 8:61 make peace with them. That's just a random few. The red flag becomes a huge tapestry that covers most of the known world.

Six distinct stages make up the cycle of violence:

1. brooding over perceived wrongs and fantasizing over 'next time',

"what I should've done"...

2. setting up the victim,

3. the abuse

4. fear of reprisal expressed as feelings of "guilt", apologies...

5. rationalizing, excuses, blaming the victim, how he had no choice

but to be violent, she "made him do it"...

6. shift to tolerant and even loving behavior, the 'honeymoon phase'

Here we have Mo brooding in his cave, fantasizing how god will help him get even, then feeling guilty, rationalizing, immediate shift to 'giving respite'. All that's lacking is the actual abuse. How much should I bet that will appear as soon as Mo gains some actual power over others?

Typical Abuser	Mohammed
Abusers may spend minutes, hours or days fantasizing about what the victim has done "wrong" and how he is going to make her "pay".	Mo in his cave...uhhh...what more needs to be said?
setting up his victim,	Constant theme through the book is that Allah "sets a seal on the hearts of men" so that they cannot understand his message. Then he sends them to hell for not understanding it.
the abuse,	So far Mo's just a powerless little whiner who can only make threats. 96: drag by the forelock; 68:10-14 he calls all those names, -16 brand on the snout,... wait he gets some power, you'll see him cutting off heads and all of it.
the abuser's fear of reprisal expressed as feelings of "guilt",	See above pattern of Threaten-Offer Protection. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, there wasn't much reprisal for Mohamed.
his rationalization,	"They made me do it" (11:101) or "they wrong themselves" (10:44) is a constant refrain. For a textbook example check out 11:116-119: wow! Short version below.
his shift to tolerant and even loving behavior.	"give respite", above; "God is loving and kind" usually tacked onto the end of some boodthirsty rant.

Shorter 11:116-119   If only they were good; we wouldn't destroy good people; but we could make them behave; but they still wouldn't; unless we forgive them; but we're gonna kick ass.

Does this guy sound balanced? Does he have anger issues? Does a camel shit in the desert?