Sura 31: Bob Says

Maybe I shouldn't help the kid with his homework before I read the koran, then things like this won't bother me so much. Look at Verse 10 “He created the heavens...We sent down rain...”

What are you trying to say--who did it, him or you? Don't think your teacher's not gonna notice this; the sentence after it says 'me' and the one before it says 'our'. She'll flunk you and send you back a grade. You've gotta be consistent; imagine yourself being God or the Hordes of Kalimdor, but stay those same guys all the way through your assignment. No shape-shifting. It's not D&D.

Oops. That's not the Noble Word of the Lord, that's me telling a grade schooler how to write an essay. LOL, maybe there's not much difference when you're thirteen, but isn't god older than that? At least 6000 years older is what I hear. He's supposed to have created all the 6000 or so languages in the world—one a year—and he still doesn't know basic grammar? God is a cute little Special Ed kid insisting “There is no god but Us.”

In the kid's rough draft, we put more red ink about how you have to “introduce your characters” yada yada yada. You can't just pop in a sentence about some guy your readers've never heard of, even if Mohammed does:

¹³Behold, Luqman said to his son... "Join not in worshipping others with Allah.” and
Behold, Bob said “Listen not to the Jehovah's Witnesses.” and
Behold Sparky said “Get them fucking bible thumpers off the front porch.”

Whattaya mean who's Sparky and Bob; who the hell's Luqman? Quran never tells you, or why I should believe him any more than Bob. Him and Sparky I know, because I took a bottle of Thunderbird to their cardboard shack by the railroad track and they explained all about the Quran. Lugman, shit, even with Google I had a hard time finding out who he was. Some friend of that Special Ed kid that people in ancient Arabia knew about. Suprise, suprise, in the koran what Luqman says is the same thing Mo says. Who'da thunk it? (13) “false worship is indeed the highest wrong-doing", yeah, yeah, (14) “be good to your parents”, Right, little-orphan-Mohammie,

(15) “But if they try to make you associate something with Me about which you have no knowledge, do not obey them.”

What the? He's telling kids they don't have to do what they're told unless they know more about something than their parents. What kid doesn't think he has more knowledge than his parents? You'd let thirteen year olds read this book? You're outta your mind.

Don't obey your parents, where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, EVERY SINGLE EXPERT who warns about dangerous cults. Like the American Family Foundation, warning sign #12. Bob said old Luqman is “one whacked out mutherfucker”, Sparky tossed the Quran in the burn barrel, and we finished off the Thunderbird. Screw it.

But I liked the poetry in line 27.

“ And if all the trees on earth were pens and the ocean (were ink), with seven oceans behind it to add to its (supply), yet would not the words of Allah be exhausted (in the writing):”

If trees were pens,
and the seas were ink,
Allah would write,
to make us all think,

that he made the earth
and all kinds of stuff
so we'll kiss his ass
and don't give him no guff.

Then we'll go the heaven
with fruit and cool streams,
and watch all the sinners
and laugh at their screams.

Woot

Mohammed's Night journey

Here we are reading the koran in order, at Sura 17 we're nearly halfway through it and we come to the famous story of Mo's Night Journey (this is more of verse 1). Why is this story not in the koran, when it's so famous and important?

Lemme see if I've got this straight. The angel Gabriel appeared and talked to Mo. It goes in the Koran if Mo said Gabriel said God said it. It goes in the Hadith if somebody else said Mo said Gabriel said God said it. So in this story, Mo said God said it—the only time god ever spoke directly to him, and HE LEFT IT OUT OF THE KORAN! Sure, that makes sense.

Yeah, Ok, so moving right along, Mo goes up to heaven, to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter asks him .... Oops, wrong myth. But yeah, he goes to heaven and somebody asked: Who's there? Who's he bringing in? Does he have an appointment? Then, once god's security team has checked them out, they let him into heaven's first floor. On each floor he meets a different person from the bible—Adam, Joseph, Moses—who gives him props. At the top it's “7^th floor, Abraham, Lotus tree, God.”

At least, that's one version. This story is from al-Iman, 75:1:309. But in 313 he says “He (the Holy Prophet) mentioned that he found in the heavens Adam, Idris, Jesus, Moses and Abraham (may peace be on all of them), but he did not ascertain as to the nature of their abodes except that he had found Adam in the lowest heaven and Abraham in the sixth heaven.” So which is it? Did he ascertain them like he did in 309 or is 313 telling the truth? For that matter, I'd like the witness to revisit the opening scene and tell the court again just exactly where this purported “vision” is supposed to have occurred. Will the court stenographer please read back the witness's earlier statements?

313 : The roof of my house was cleft when I was in Mecca and Gabriel descended ...
312: Three beings (angels) came to him in the mosque of the Ka'bah, while he was sleeping in the sacred mosque ...
311: Gabriel came to the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) while he was playing with his playmates ....

D.A. “So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the witness has told us that this happened at Mo's house, it happened at the Mosque, and even that it happened when Mo was a little boy. May it please the court, I'd like to make a motion that the testimony of this witness is contradictory and unreliable and should be struck from the record.”

JUDGE: “Motion granted. Bailiff, please escort the witness to the door, toss him out on the sidewalk and throw rocks at him. Let the record show that Malik reported this, but also in al-Iman 1:312 “The rest of the hadith is narrated like that of Thabit. However, some portions have occurred before and some of them have occurred after; some have been added and some deleted.” Case dismissed.

Another part of the story has Mo bartering with god over how much to pray. God told him 50 times a day. He went back down to the sixth floor and Moses told him that was too much. Instead of of insisting that this is the IMMUTABLE WORD OF GOD and not to be questioned, he took the escalator? elevator? Back up and bitched about it. God knocked off five prayers. Mo goes back to Moses. Not good enough. Sends him back. This goes on till they get down to five prayers a day, at which point Mo gets tired of the whole thing and gives up. So that's why muzzies have to pray five times a day.

Everybody seems to have their own version of all this. They all agree that Hell is on the first floor of heaven. Ishaq goes into a lot of detail describing it. Apparently this story was the inspiration for Dante's Inferno, with women hanging by their breasts and stuff like in the picture above. I guess before the internet, you had to get your snuff porn wherever you could find it.

Muhammed is a Jerk

OMFG, here we go again. Chapter 80, the next one revealed, starts out;

(1) He frowned and turned away

Listen up god, because a certified ESL teacher is here to tell you that when you are talking directly to Mo, you don't say “he.” That, god, is for talking about someone else. When you talk directly to someone, god, like I'm talking to you now, god, you say “you.” It's the same in Arabic, not to mention all the other 6000+ languages your Omniscience-ness is supposed to know, so perhaps English as a Second Language is not the right approach for you, god, and you would do better in Special Ed. Hold it, there's a muslim on the line to explain:

LOL The use of the third person form here is significant. It suggests that the subject-matter is so distasteful to Allah that He does not like to confront His beloved messenger with it. This in itself is a gesture of mercy and kindness to the Prophet. Thus, the action which necessitated the reproof has been disguised with great subtlety. LOL

ROFLMAO, that may be what it suggests to you, buddy, but to me it suggests we got us another candidate for Special Ed. A guy that drowns every living thing on the planet can't bear to hurt little Mo's feelings. In words of three syllables, shee-yi-it.

There's pretty general consensus this was a real event. At a meeting between Mo and a bunch of the local chiefs, a poor blind man came up to Mo, and Mo seriously dissed him. Here god chews Mo out for it. The hadith explain what happened. God/Mo had commanded all the cultists to go fight, and the blind guy wanted an exception. Mo treated him like shit but he realized he had to change god's word, so he got another revelation excepting the disabled. Of course, that was in chapter 4, which supposedly was revealed years later, but what the hell.

But why's he putting bad stuff about himself in an official history again? Remember Mo's marketing plan = concentrate sales efforts on the rich chiefs. But the rich chiefs, and priests, don't like him. So like any canny Klan or Neonazi organizer, he turns his attention to where he can get recruits, with the ignorant racist trailer trash poor and oppressed of the town. How to explain to them his earlier pandering ? Well easy—a revelation showed him the error if his ways. Now he sees the truth---god likes these guys best! White Brown Bedouin muslim, yeah, Muslim Power!! The cultists try to explain that Perfect old Mo could never act shitty, and this was only a test, but I'll spare you more grade-school whining.

The rest of the chapter is standard book-thumping: nobody appreciates god, they'll be sorry on judgment day. Ho hum.

Surah 53: Abrogations

Chapter 53, the Star, ought to be called The Can of Worms, because it brings up at least four things muslim'd rather not talk about. Whoo—let's dive in! Our luck held for 17 chapters but this is a long one with 62 verses; the first 18 rather poetically protesting again that Mo's not crazy and god really really talks to him, and they sound like the previous moon goddish stuff. He brings up the pagan moon goddesses, and channels Satan; then halfway through he tries to quote the Bible and morphs into a Southern Baptist tent revivalist ranting how god will kick your ass. Nice start, poor finish.

Abrogations come into play on v3-4, claiming this is revelation from god. Remember grade school, where you'd win a game and they'd say “That doesn't count!”? You'd expect God to be a little more mature than that, but in the koran he just uses bigger words; he says “That's abrogated!” Here are the money quotes:

[2:106] None of Our revelations do We abrogate or cause to be forgotten, but We substitute something better or similar:
[16:101] When We substitute one revelation for another, ... most of them understand not.

No shit we don't understand why God would come around to set us straight on shit and then lie to us so he nullifies his own message. But its pretty easy to see why con artists would change their story from time to time, like when they wanted some new pussy. After all they are, not to belabor a point, only human.

The book makes it clear that Mo is taking things back, but there are all sorts of opinions over what abrogates what.

      1. Koran only abrogates koran
      2. Koran abrogates everything
      3. Hadith only abrogate hadith
      4. Hadith don't abrogate nutthin
      5. Hadith abrogate God's immutable word in the Koran
      6. What I say abrogates whatever you say, so fuck you, loser.

Well I made up the last one, but you get the idea. This chapter comes into it because people that argue the koran abrogates everything cite these lines for their proof,

[53:3] Nor does he speak out of his own desire.
[53:4] It is nothing but pure revelation revealed by God.

so see, that settles it: it's not Mo talkin', it's God revealin'. The whole damn book keeps insisting, garbledly, that it is God's revelation, so why they pick those two lines out of the whole 6000 is a mystery, but whatever. Seems more important to know which verses Big Daddy abrogated. Are we surprised to learn there are all kinds of written records on this, and that they all contradict each other? No we are not. There are somewhere between zero and 700 abrogated verses. Pick a number. No one knows. Bottom line is, some of the complete, clear, and perfect words of God don't count, but we don't know which ones.

So I can kick back in heaven if I

kill infidels wherever I find them (9:5),

or else that verse is abrogated and my skin will burn off in hell for not

showing them kindness (60:8).

Fifty-fifty, dude—take yer chances.

Some say certain people were more more reliable witnesses than others, but you'd have to know who wrote what, and we don't. Others claim that later verses abrogate earlier ones, which sounds sensible, but you'd have to know what order they came in, and no one knows.

This chapter, 53, supposedly happened before 22, so that god could abrogate what he hadn't said yet, but chapter 22 should go between verses 22 & 23 of this chapter, but wasn't put in here because colorless green ideas sleep unicorns. Or something. In linguistics we refer to the words that come before and after something by the term 'context'. If you don't have the linguistic context, analysis is pointless.

I call bullshit on the whole thing. For the whole 23 years Mo hung around preaching, it never occurred to anybody to ask? Dude, people that stupid do not conquer independent living, let alone the Known World. If it was a choice between
doesn't it seem like you would fucking ASK? Everybody teaches themselves the traffic regulations, and liquor laws, and Windows, but somehow they were never curious enough to find out if they would be tortured forever? If anything was going to convince me this whole thing was patched together after the fact, this would do it.

Bottom line is, for each verse, we don't know: who wrote it or why; in what order; whether it goes in the koran or hadith, or even if it has been abrogated by something else and shouldn't be there at all. The oldest existing copies are from 100 years after Muhammed's death, and we do know that the people who put it together belonged to different political groups actively fighting for control, like in modern day Iraq, and they were perfectly willing to murder each other, let alone fudge the truth about some line of poetry. We can't trust our own politicians, and they don't even assassinate each other.
Anyway, unless its abrogated, Mo spends 18 lines insisting he talks to god: after this it gets better ...

Muslim Mobs Burn Quran

Fate of Prophet's (pbuh) original text remains unknown

Breaking News
Posted: 653 AD
Mecca, Saudi Arabia.

Sources in Arabia report Muslim mobs have destroyed copies of the Holy Quran in book-burnings held at cities throughout Arabia and the Muslim world.
Instigated by a fatwa of the Caliph Uthman that proscribes any unauthorized copy of Islam's Holy Book following a newly completed rescension, all existing older copies of the Quran have been rounded up and consigned to the flames.

According to noted Islamic scholar Muhammad ibn Bahadur Zarkashi “Ibn Abi Dawud records Musab ibn Sad ibn Abi Waqqas to have testified:

"I saw the people assemble in large number at Uthman's burning of the proscribed copies; not a one spoke out against him." Ali commented, "If I were in command in place of Uthman, I would have done the same."

Ali was a companion of the Prophet (pbuh) himself, during his lifetime and clearly approved the actions taken by Caliph Uthman. During Uthman's rule Islam had spread to many areas where the Muslims were not Arabs and couldn't read Arabic properly, so many variant readings sprung out. To correct this Uthman appointed a committee of scribes to produce a standardized version of the Qur'an, which was sent to each city under Muslim rule. All older copies were to be collected and burned.

Even though Arabia is one of several countries where desecrating the the Quran may be punishable by death, officials have shown little interest in this case. No arrests were made, and no official investigation has been undertaken to date.

As told by Wikipedia, most schools of Islamic law dictate that a Muslim may not touch the Qur'an, which is regarded as the literal word of God, unless he or she is in a state of ritual purity (wudu). Muslims must always treat the book with reverence, and are forbidden, for instance, to pulp, recycle, or simply discard worn-out copies of the text. Intentionally insulting the Qur'an is regarded as a form of blasphemy, and has led to rioting.

As of this writing the fate of the original copy of the Holy Quran, compiled by the Messenger Himself (pbuh) remains uncertain. The hadith make it clear that the Qur'an was available in written form from the time of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), reports Sahih Al-Bukhari, our most reliable source. He tells us,

“Narrated Qatadah: I asked Anas Ibn Malik: ‘Who collected the Qur’an at the time of Prophet?’ He replied: ‘Four, all of whom were from the Ansar: Ubay Ibn Ka‘ab, Mu‘adh Ibn Jabal, Zayd Ibn Thabit and Abu Zayd.'”

This first Quran was allegedly in the possession of Hafsa bint Umar, a daughter of Umar and one of Muhammad's widows, and was thrown into the fires and burnt with the other old copies. The loss of this original manuscript, reputed to be the literal word of God, would arguably be a great loss to historians.

Skeptics, who asked to remain anonymous, dismissed Uthman's latest move as political grandstanding designed to gain support for his illegitimate Caliphate and distract attention from the War in Baluchistan.

Who the hell's talking?

Just hold it right there. Before we go any further, I gotta know-who's talking. We've looked at this before but I still can't get past 93:6

6. Did he not find you an orphan and take care of you?

No, actually, he didn't. I was never an orphan. It turns out Mo was, but that's nothing to do with me. If the whole book is Mohammed's private conversation, it'd be impolite to listen in, so WexactlyTF? Is it god talking to Mo, and irrelevant to me, or is the book talking to people in general? This isn't a translation issue, it's a big controversy even in the original Arabic. (A better explanation is here.)

In an earlier post we had a guy, call him Buck Harry, reported that he, or his grampa or his great great grampa, reported that he heard Mohammed say something. What we didn't mention is that nobody ever claimed God talked to Mohammed in the first place. What Mo claimed to have seen and spoke to was Kafirgirl's angel Gabriel.

I'll give you the exact explanation I was given in Islamic Sunday school: if someone calls you on the telephone, you do not say "the telephone is talking to me." You say, "Bob is talking to me." That's how they explained Gabriel to me. A mouthpiece. With God talking directly through him.

so we've got

Buck said [Mo said [Gabe said [god said [ "Did he not find you..."]]]]

On the off [off [off [off [off chance]]]] that it was repeated exactly at every stage, we have god saying "he" and "we" when it means god. The most natural thing in the world for polytheistic moon worshippers--the goddess Uzza, say, talking about her main squeeze. After 40 years of talking that way it'd be hard not to let shit like that slip out, but if Mo wanted his new cult to take off he'd have to rein it in.

Another possibility is that god refers to itself in the 2^nd person he when he actually means I, because god is a fucken schizoid loony. To avoid this conclusion, insert { traditional apologetics } that we've already seen are dumber than cat turds. This is all confusing as hell so I made a flow chart.

Picking up at the left side of the chart, if it's Gabe talking, the question is, is Gabe quoting god directly? Is it....

[Buck said [Mo said [the angel said [god said ["I found you"]]]].

Or is it....

[Buck said [Mo said [the angel said [god said he found me]]]].

The angel would use 2^nd person, and say "I seek refuge with the Lord" and "didn't He (that's god!) find you (& there's Mo!) bla bla..." to make it a normal conversation in God's Book of Gossip, 1400-years-ago edition. So it's all good. It can be interpreted as metaphor and parables because it's not the Literal Word of God^®, so lines like "kill them wherever you find them" can be interpreted allegorically to mean "nothing beats snuggling up with your gay lover for sausage pizza and wine."

Holy books like that I can live with, although they'd be way better to use Calvin & Hobbes.

Developing the Mission Statement

Mo's next efforts are chapters 81, 87, 92, and 89. On my graph they show as the second little bump before the chapters get really really tiny, like three or four lines. All these four run about twenty, and they have a lot of odd calling on the sun moon and stars, as in 91;

1. I call to witness the sun and his early morning splendor,
2. And the moon as she follows in his wake,
3. The day when it reveals his radiance,
4. The night when it covers him over,
5. The heavens and its architecture,
6. The earth and its spreading out,

When you remember that Mo was a moon-worshipping pagan for the first forty years of his life, it makes perfect sense he would say things like that. How much should I bet this environmentalism will dwindle away as Mo gets more powerful?

Chapter 81 begins with twelve signs to signal the coming of judgment day, but nobody has any idea what they mean. What is "the stars turn dim and scatter (2)" or "the curtain draws back from the skies (11)"? Who knows, but it sure sounds prophetty, don't it?

It spends 14 verses on judgment day and 15 on Mo saying he's not nuts and we should listen to him. He's still trying to convince people (and himself) that he's not crazy: "Your companion is not mad," he whines in 81:22, but he's getting away from that, growing more confident. Catch this in 92;

12 Surely Ours is it to show the way,
13 And surely Ours is the Hereafter and the former.

Meaning, it is my place to tell you what to do, not just in the hereafter but here on Earth too. Wow! Getting a little cocky now, aren't we? Notice how these verses make a lot more sense when you translate "ours" to mean "Me & God's" instead of doing a lot of semantic dancing around with the "majestic plural".

He's developing a strategic vision here, fleshing out the details of what exactly he'll be selling and his demographics. He's not just preaching to whoever will listen. From day one he focused on qualified prospects; those unreceptive to his message are lost causes and expendable. Cold-blooded, but a better marketing plan than that naive sap Jesus--Mo knew well how that turned out. His years of running caravans for his sugar mommy Khadijah was paying off.

Related to this, here he is worrying he'll forget the words;

87:6. We shall make you recite (the Qur'an) so that you will not forget
87:7. Unless God may please.

A successful businessman would know the importance of keeping accurate records, so why not just write down the revelations? Gosh, I can't think of a single reason.

Mo was on the horns of a dilemma. He wanted the authority of written scripture like the Jews had, but he knew people would nail him when he changed his story, misquoted himself, or reversed god's words to get some new nookie. So over these little short early chapters he's worried, but later on you don't hear that even for the Cow chapter that has 286 verses! Mo was sharp and he didn't need long to realize there is no limit to the bullshit people will swallow, and being consistent didn't matter. He could have his word be the only law, and by claiming an invisible Qur'an in the sky he could also claim to have the eternal unchanging Written Word Of God. Pretty clever branding!

He lays out his Mission Statement in chapter 92, and boy does it suck! Here's who goes to heaven

(5) ... he who gives (in charity) and fears (Allah),
(6) And (in all sincerity) accepts and follows ...

The fuck? This is a constant constant theme throughout the book. He doesn't identify his cultists as people who act morally, his priorities are: 1) give money, 2) be afraid 3) accept, aka 'submit'. Buddha had his Four Noble Truths that bring an end to suffering, Jesus had his greatest commandment, to love thy neighbor as thyself, and Mo has this.


What a sales pitch! Makes me just want to sign right the fuck up. How did he ever sell such a crappy product? Aside from being a pretty intimidating guy apparently (raving lunatics often are), Hadith say that even at this early stage it wasn't just metaphorical carrots he was offering:

• "Muhammad claims that if you follow him in his religion, you shall be the kings of the Arabs and the non-Arabs"


• "I summon them to utter a saying through which the Arabs will submit to them and they will rule over the non-Arabs."
  


• "the Arabs will submit to them and the non-Arabs will pay the jizyah to them."

So that's the USP (unique selling proposition) that launched what came to be Islam. He stuck with this secret recipe through the years, as in this letter

"Accept my call, and you shall be unharmed. I am God's Messenger to mankind, and the word shall be carried out upon the miscreants. If, therefore, you recognize Islam, I shall bestow power upon you."

Anyhow, chapter 89 ends this section with five verses calling on the moon and 19 describing hell or people going to hell: at the finish... it looks like... it's...Hell,19-5! ... the crowd goes jihad! YAAAAYY!!

Mo has finally found his voice: It's saying "You're all going to hell!"

WTF is this Quran thing?

Unless you're willing to worship a complete fuckwad, it's pretty obvious that the Koran is not the revealed word of the Great Almighty God (GAG).

It's supposed to be god talking, but you'll never know that by reading the book because it never tells you. What kind of dipshit writes an entire book and never identifies the characters ? Scene Development = F!

So you find somebody to explain that it is god talking, and you read right at the beginning that god is worshipping himself. Then in the fourth line god says "You alone WE serve" If this means anything it means there is more than one god; saying such a thing is Shirk, the muslims tell us, the worst crime there can be. So god is committing the one sin that will doom him to hell. What a dope, god.

One functioning synapse is enough to tell you that someone else is talking TO god, so why didn't the translator write that? Maybe because the muslims want it this way. They even have a name for it, iltifat, and they're fucking proud of it.

...Muhammad had created an entirely new literary form ...

...The dynamic style of the Qur'an is an obvious stylistic feature and an accepted rhetorical practice. ...
...The Qur'an is the only form of Arabic prose to have used this rhetorical device ...

The fuck? In linguistics, we have a technical term for this 'accepted form' that's only in one book in the whole world: we call it "word salad". My cat box has things in it with more sense than that.

Then there's this thing called 'editing', where you get on the phone and scream at a publisher if they get the sections of your manuscript out of order. The early Arabs never figured out this 'editing' thing for their koran object; I don't call it a book because books have actual beginnings, and ends, with plots, narrative structure, at least chronology for chrissake. This is 6000 verses all stuck together at random, not in sequence, not arranged by topic, just pin-the-verse-on-the-donkey order. Supposedly they're arranged from longest to shortest chapter-as if that made any sense-but they couldn't even get that right:

Well, okay, ignoring that this is supposed to be god's perfect book, why is it like that? Tradition says that

When Prophet Muhammad used to receive a revelation, he dictated it to a Companion, who wrote it down on anything that was available: bark, stone, bones, leaves, etc.

wait...what? leaves? They wrote on bones and leaves? Papyrus had been around for 4000 years. It was invented in the Nile delta, and was a major export on the caravans going through their back yards, driving their economy; and they wrote on leaves? I think not. Tradition paints a picture of gathering everybodys' notes, like an unlabeled shoebox full of Gramma Flo's old photos, and dumping them in a pile. What tradition doesn't say is that they started grabbing whichever one they picked up off the top of the pile and made it the next verse. But tradition is all you've got, as there's no historical records, and everyone argues about the details, which is like nailing Jello to the ceiling. Usually, to back up their version of the koran they cite sources:

The Qur'an is the only divine book that God has sent

And how do we know this? Because it is written in Surah 5:

"To you We sent the Scripture (Book) in truth,(Surat 5:48)

Ha! I'll see your proof and raise you. Here's the proof that you're wrong.

Mohammed was a big fat fake.

And how can we prove this? Because it is written in Annotation 2.

The whole thing is really fucking stupid, because even a good account of how it was done doesn't explain why things were done that way, in the face of some pretty fucking obvious reasons why they shouldn't. Like good writing: Is it really necessary to tell us 40 times that God is forgiving and kind? Even once would be overdoing it: It's god, isn't that in it's job description? By the 33rd time he reminds us that he is all mighty and all wise, I'm not buying it.

It garbles up entire stories, too. I counted story of Moses and the Pharoahs in there 18 times, and the details don't match up. One time the Pharaoh drowns, another time he doesn't. Which is odd since the koranophiles constantly try to devastate us with this argument:

If it had not come from God, they would have found in it many contradictions (4:82).

No shit, Sherlock. Like this one:

2:253 Of all these apostles We have favored some over the others.

2:285 We make no distinction between the apostles.

Thanks to Kafirgirl for spotting that, but if I had a nickel for every contradiction in the koran I could afford fill up my gas tank. There is in fact a miracle in the holy koran, and it is that blatant contradictions obvious to an aphasic blind illiterate are invisible to moslems. Well, wait, they're not all invisible, there's whole schools devoted to the problem of "abrogation". Whoever's passing himself off as god said,

None of Our revelations do We abrogate or cause to be forgotten, but We substitute something better or similar (2:106).

Well, you all-mighty and all-wise and all-plural gods, why didn't you just say something better in the first place? The expert scholars' verdict on it is this: there are between 0 and 700 abrogated verses, although no one agrees on which ones, or what order they go in, and "This is the Scripture whereof there is no doubt(2:2). Oh, and if you don't interpret it correctly you'll be tortured in hell forever,--just BTW.

How about this for an explanation? While Mohamed was alive he rode serious herd on the cult, and if he wanted your opinion he'd fucking well tell you it. When you have absolute power you don't want anybody writing shit down or recording your emails. After he died and they had to start thinking for themselves, and couldn't, they were all like "What would our Master^® do? And they started arguing, and they still are, over little things like who got to be mo's successor, the shia or the sunni, which they fought over for 20 years and then had a civil war. Somewhere in that 20 years they set up a committee to standardize all the various versions of history that they they remembered, or claimed to remember in the interest of promoting their political faction. Memories got put down as Hadith (in some other book) or Surah (in the koran).

Hadith: somebody claimed to remember that Mo said something

Surah: somebody claimed to remember that Mo said god said something.



So why'd they end up with this weird ordering? Probably got sick of it and said "Fuck it! Just print the goddamned thing the way it is. I've got pussy waiting at home." It's hard to believe, but starting with Mo himself, moslems have been challenging anyone to produce verses better than the koran. It's the famous Surah Challenge:

If you are in doubt concerning that which We have sent down onto Our servant (Muhammad), then produce a chapter of the like thereof, and call your witnesses, supporters, who are apart from God, if you are truthful. (al-Baqara, 2.23)

Dude, I could eat alphabet soup and shit verses better than these.