...book called "the Koran"?
Chapter 1. The Opening
So, who is this? Traditionally supposed to be god speaking, so let's fix that:
(1) In the name of Me, most benevolent, ever-merciful.
(2) All praise be to Me, Lord of all the worlds,
(3) Most beneficent, ever-merciful,
(4) King of the Day of Judgement.
(5) Me alone I worship, and to Me alone turn for help.
(6) Guide me (O Me) to the path that is straight,
God, obviously, has issues.
(7) The path of those I have blessed, Not of those who have earned My anger, nor those who have gone astray.
Hmm; three paths. Which one am I on?
Chapter 2. The Cow
(1) ALIF LAM MIM.
WTF?? Schizophrenic babbling? God's prognosis is looking poor...
(2) This is The Book free of doubt and uncertainty,
Right after saying 'alif lam nim'? Seriously?
a guidance for those who preserve themselves from evil and follow the straight path,
Would that include me, I wonder? There's more...
(3) Who believe in the Unknown and fulfill their devotional obligations, and spend in charity of what I have given them;
(4) Who believe in what has been revealed to you and what was revealed to those before you, and are certain of the Hereafter.
Damn! It's a whole list. Let's see how I do....
(5) They have found the guidance of their Lord and will be successful.
Aww, shoot! I didn't make the grade.
(6) As for those who deny, it is all the same if you warn them or not, they will not believe.
Well, you could give us some evidence, duhh.
(7) God has sealed their hearts and ears, and veiled their eyes. God has fixed us so we can't get his message? What a prick.
For them is great deprivation.
(8) And there are some who, though they say: "We believe in God and the Last Day," (in reality) do not believe. (shorter verse 9-20, god hates them fuckers.) So...
... god divides people into (a) those whom he won't let believe him, (b) those who believe him without any evidence, and (c) those that only pretend to believe him. Only group B goes to heaven. I'm apparently in group A: doomed, and god won't unseal my heart and ears to change that. Sucks, but not much point reading the rest.