Start at 96

So anyway we start with chapter 96.

It's about Mohammed. No, it doesn't tell you this, you're just supposed to know it, you ignorant infidel shit. He lived in Arabia, and the Lord told him to read. Or an angel. Or it just told him, because there wasn't anything to read, and he was illiterate in the first place. Yes, the angel knew that, and if you keep asking questions you'll go to hell, we're at least clear on that point.

Let's back up and put these verses in context, as the moose-lims are so fond of saying when we notice their book tells them to kill us. So there's this guy Mohamed, ostensibly, who lived back in the camelfuck days of Arabia. His symptoms present as habitual interpersonal avoidance, going off to hide in a cave and pray, and dysfunctional social etiquette in the temple, for which he got picked on a lot. Seriously, you know you're not part of the clique when somebody dumps a tub-full of camel guts on you.

Central to our plotline, the ancient Meccans modeled their praying on Zoroaster, with a lot of bowing down and howling like in the Indiana Jones movies. Chanting, sensory deprivation, stress postures, emotional truama, these things induce-wait for it-hallucinations. Hold that thought.

Our story begins, in verse 96, with Mo in the cave, sulking over his latest humiliation in the temple. He's up there in the dark inducing altered states of consciousness, when-big surprise-an angel appears. With me it was more cute little pointy eared elf-looking things, but that was Psilocybin. Anyhow, this angel tells him to read.

Read what? Well, it doesn't say. You'd expect it to identify itself, say "I am the Ghost of Christmas Past'" but it doesn't do that either. Mo was no Charles Dickens. Supposedly it was the angel Gabriel telling him to read, also supposedly God has the koran written on stone tablets that he keeps in heaven.

85:21 ... is a glorious Qur'an. 85:22 On a guarded tablet.

See, proof! Tradition is that Mo was illiterate, so I tried to keep track when the Koran refers to a book, or writing, or God's word brought by the pen, but I ran out of toes and fingers in a hurry. For a guy who supposedly never bothered learning to read, he was obsessed with it. Everybody knows the Jews have a Book with God's word in it. And the Christians have another book with god's other word in it, but his moon-worshipping buddies didn't have any. And Mo can't forget it!

Any anthropologist can tell you how pre-literate societies revere writing as having special authority and even magical power, and how they elevate those who can read into a priestly status that sets them high above ignorant plebeian commoners like Mo. So Mo is jealous, he wants a book too, but he can't just write his own like L Ron Hubbard.

When Joseph smith pulled this same scam 1000 years later, he claimed the angel brought him tablets, of gold, mind you, not cheap stone ones like shabby old Moses, and took them back to heaven before anyone ever saw them. Mo's angle was, god has his own book up in heaven and he gave Mo a peep show. "But he couldn't read!" you say? Pffft, oh ye of little faith; that simply proves his story.

By mentioning the pen...attention is really called to the fact that the Prophet's prophecies about his own future and the fate of the opponents, which were already put down in writing, would prove that the Prophet was not mad, for the ravings of a madman could not bear fruit. It should be noted that the Holy Qur'an again and again challenges its opponents to write down their prophecies about the Holy Prophet, thus showing that its own were actually written down from the first; and thus this chapter, which is one of the earliest, conclusively establishes the truth that every revelation of the Holy Qur'an was put down in writing as soon as it was communicated to the Prophet. (A.A.I.I.L)

So neener neener neener. (Disclaimer: I didn't write that paragraph. Actual adult humans, living on their own outside of an assisted care facility, wrote that.) It just goes to show how people hold any written word in high esteem, and boy Mo needed some of that shit--- When you're scammin', don't say I hear voices, say I have seen the writing, on the wall, in the stall, the clouds, wherever. If people argue about what kind of writing, they're not saying "You are one crazy-ass mutherfucker."

They'll just go on thinking you read god's tablets even though you were illiterate. They won't even ask how come you never learned to read. Most people seem to accept that Mo never learned to read and was having people write things for him right up till the day he died. Wouldn't spending 23 years reading revelations off of God's Heavenly Tablets In The Sky be enough for anybody to figure it out? It seems to me that if God, Lord of the Worlds, The Beneficent, the Merciful, Master of the Day of Judgment, appears and the very first thing he does is insist that youyou'd put some effort into figuring out how. What happened to all that fear of God? Unless, ... unless...OMG!...what if,..if ...(Mo just made up the whole thi