Mohammed and the Pirates

Remember when Mohammed agreed to move there, he had the Medina d00ds pledge to fight for him? Remember how Mo has had revenge fantasies all along? Remember those caravan routes? Remember human nature?






Maps are cool. This here one has gray patches that are volcanic mountains that'll eat a set of Air Jordans in one afternoon. The dotted lines going around them are major trade routes, like Interstates

but with more camel poop. All the freight between India and Egypt and Europe goes right through Mohammed's back yard, just like the Manila Galleons ran through the Caribbean. Who could resist, me mateys? Arrgh!

Not Mohammed. Six months after the big move he sent his Uncle and 30 guys to attack a caravan at el-Ais, #1 on the map. They had a spiritual moment and said, “Hey, this is just wrong” and all went home to burn incense and contemplate lint.

Just kidding, the caravan had 300 d00ds guarding it, see, which is god's way of saying “Thou shalt not steal.”
So they got up a mob with twice as many guys and went after another caravan, #2 on the map, down by Rabigh. They shot arrows at them but nobody got hit and they gave up. They made about ten more raids but they couldn't find the caravans. Hey, don't laugh, it's a big desert. They didn't have GPS, no radio, not even binoculars. They needed an intelligence branch, these spiritual leaders did.

You gotta ask, what would Buddha do? These ship of the desert guys were long haul truckers, rolling down the highway, with camels for 18-wheelers, all about moving freight, no bodink religious cults. Try hijacking a semi and claim your guru told you you had to, to aid in your spiritual development, see how many years that adds to your sentence. Good luck, I'll bring cigarettes on visiting day, douche boat.

Mo led a couple of these raids in person. One down south by Mahkla and one up north by Yanbui, the flags on the map. He might not have been much of a general but he was a hella good politician. He made treaties with these tribes, so now he's got Mecca bracketed, spies catching traffic coming or going. Finally, jackpot, about a year and a half after the big move to Medina, they nailed a convoy. Gee, that's about the time he said piss on the Jews. Think there's a connection?

The pirates went covert this time, sent out an 8-man squad with secret sealed orders [hey, if Mo can't read how keep this secret?]. Once they were out of sight they opened the envelope and followed directions: go east, sneak down along the inland side of the mountains to Naklah and ambush a small caravan on its way into Mecca. For the Lord, y'unnerstand. They made a surprise attack at dawn, killed one of the four guards, kidnapped two for ransom, stole all the camels and the freight, gave a fifth of it to Mo. Tithing, to the max. Some left wing liberal pussies started bitching about their ancient traditions that all fighting stops during the Holy Month of Rajab, so this was no time to be attacking your own kinsmen, so Godhammed sent down an epileptic fit to say it was all good, so stop whining you traitors.

^2:217 They ask you of war in the holy month. Tell them: "To fight in that month is a great sin. But a greater sin in the eyes of God is to hinder people from the way of God, and not to believe in Him, and to bar access to the Holy Mosque and turn people out of its precincts; and oppression is worse than killing. They will always seek war against you till they turn you away from your faith, if they can. But those of you who turn back on their faith and die disbelieving will have wasted their deeds in this world and the next. They are inmates of Hell, and shall there abide for ever.

NOW it all makes sense. No need to convert Jews anymore, piracy pays better than passing a collection plate, and passing out booty is a a better way to get converts anyway. All these fight verses are convincing the cult to get on board with the new warfare state. Support the troops, yo.

I totally get it now why moslems always claim they were so persecuted and only defended themselves when the polytheists were all torturing and killing them and stealing their ipods. There's nothing in the records about the pagans doing any of this, even though they have every gory detail of what the moslems did to pagans, like who they killed and how much blood money they paid. Seems like the family album would have room for “Uncle Fred got murdered” even if it meant leaving out “how to wipe your ass”.

But it's all good, see. Godhammed said the killing at Naklah, in the holy month, was ok cuz what the pagans did was worse. So, the pagans had to have done something worse than murder. Tough call—admit you're a murdering thief, or find some excuse, like 'oh yeah look what they did' So, ... stories of torturing mo-men spring up like flies on shit. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Boo-yah, there really is prophecy in the quran.

Making up the story that Abraham built the Kaaba lets him make the pagans all evil for taking over “his” mosque [just like nowadays with the temple in Jerusalem: cant argue with success] and his references to the Holy Mosque give him a freebee—he gets revenge on the Meccans for all those years of being laughed at. It's fair all around, in a psychopath kind of way.

I'm fucking Moses!

73 Moving right along, chronologically speaking, Chapter 73 is more whining, and Mo convinces himself he's just like Moses. Hell, he IS Moses! God has his back! Then in 74, he takes the plunge and decides god wants him to go inflict himself on other people. Like you weren't doing it already, Mr camel guts.

74 Mo goes back to the cave, resolves his doubts by having 'god' tell him yes, he should go start his own religion, then works himself up into a lather over some guy Walid that he can't convert, and all the hardships Mo'll inflict on him, till he splooges all over himself in verse 31 moaning about some weird secret hell number that only he'll know. Relaxing in post-orgasmic repose, he gloats for another 26 verses over Hell, until he even believes his own bullshit.

This last gloat-fest includes the sickest vision yet, a horrifying description of his homies sitting blissfully around in heaven's gardens casually conversing with--and taunting!--the people burning in hell. What kind of monster could watch his own family members being burned alive and contentedly pop another grape in his mouth and ask "My my, what did you do to deserve this? Gee, Mom,you must've been really bad. I bet that hurts, huh?" What a sick fuck. Pronounced lack of empathy? Check. Sociopathic personality? Check. The pieces are falling into place, and things don't look good for Arabia.

Abu's an Asshole

Still in chapter 96, once he's relieved Mo's Book Envy, the angel changes the subject to Mo's little problems, how some guys, not bringing up the camel guts incident, but just some guys y'know, keep people from praying the way they ought to. And how is that? Why just the way little Mo does it. What a coincidence. And then the angel says they'll kick that guy's ass, and Mo jumps up and makes a lot of kung fu moves, and acts out how him and god'll show that mean guard a thing or two. And the Angel says, "attaboy Mo!"
Then we come to this verse...

9. Have you seen him who restrains
10. A votary when he turns to his devotions?

If you didn't know better you might interpret this verse as a message to not interfere with other people and their freedom to pursue their praying without hindrance. LOL, Not in this book! The votary is Mo, and plenty of hadith gossip about that "him who". It was Abu Jahl, one of the Meccan Priests, who tried to keep Mohamed and his weird cult out of the temple. In fact, he was the guy who dumped camel guts on Mo while he was praying. Can't say I blame him much; there's been a few Bible-thumpers who made me wish for a bucket of guts.

And that's god's first great message to humankind, that Abu's a jerk. It's kind of a letdown. I'd expected more along the lines of "you peeps gotta to start lovin' on one another", but that's just me. Hey, who cares about world peace when there's Mo Mocking going on? Priorities, man.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Symptoms
1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance √
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited power, brilliance... √
3. believes he is "special" and unique √
4. requires excessive admiration √
5. unreasonable expectations of special treatment √
6. is interpersonally exploitative, √
7. lacks empathy: √
8. often envious of others or believes others are envious of him √
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes √
10. is named Mohamed, lives in the desert, starts a cult, has fourteen wives..

Start at 96

So anyway we start with chapter 96.

It's about Mohammed. No, it doesn't tell you this, you're just supposed to know it, you ignorant infidel shit. He lived in Arabia, and the Lord told him to read. Or an angel. Or it just told him, because there wasn't anything to read, and he was illiterate in the first place. Yes, the angel knew that, and if you keep asking questions you'll go to hell, we're at least clear on that point.

Let's back up and put these verses in context, as the moose-lims are so fond of saying when we notice their book tells them to kill us. So there's this guy Mohamed, ostensibly, who lived back in the camelfuck days of Arabia. His symptoms present as habitual interpersonal avoidance, going off to hide in a cave and pray, and dysfunctional social etiquette in the temple, for which he got picked on a lot. Seriously, you know you're not part of the clique when somebody dumps a tub-full of camel guts on you.

Central to our plotline, the ancient Meccans modeled their praying on Zoroaster, with a lot of bowing down and howling like in the Indiana Jones movies. Chanting, sensory deprivation, stress postures, emotional truama, these things induce-wait for it-hallucinations. Hold that thought.

Our story begins, in verse 96, with Mo in the cave, sulking over his latest humiliation in the temple. He's up there in the dark inducing altered states of consciousness, when-big surprise-an angel appears. With me it was more cute little pointy eared elf-looking things, but that was Psilocybin. Anyhow, this angel tells him to read.

Read what? Well, it doesn't say. You'd expect it to identify itself, say "I am the Ghost of Christmas Past'" but it doesn't do that either. Mo was no Charles Dickens. Supposedly it was the angel Gabriel telling him to read, also supposedly God has the koran written on stone tablets that he keeps in heaven.

85:21 ... is a glorious Qur'an. 85:22 On a guarded tablet.

See, proof! Tradition is that Mo was illiterate, so I tried to keep track when the Koran refers to a book, or writing, or God's word brought by the pen, but I ran out of toes and fingers in a hurry. For a guy who supposedly never bothered learning to read, he was obsessed with it. Everybody knows the Jews have a Book with God's word in it. And the Christians have another book with god's other word in it, but his moon-worshipping buddies didn't have any. And Mo can't forget it!

Any anthropologist can tell you how pre-literate societies revere writing as having special authority and even magical power, and how they elevate those who can read into a priestly status that sets them high above ignorant plebeian commoners like Mo. So Mo is jealous, he wants a book too, but he can't just write his own like L Ron Hubbard.

When Joseph smith pulled this same scam 1000 years later, he claimed the angel brought him tablets, of gold, mind you, not cheap stone ones like shabby old Moses, and took them back to heaven before anyone ever saw them. Mo's angle was, god has his own book up in heaven and he gave Mo a peep show. "But he couldn't read!" you say? Pffft, oh ye of little faith; that simply proves his story.

By mentioning the pen...attention is really called to the fact that the Prophet's prophecies about his own future and the fate of the opponents, which were already put down in writing, would prove that the Prophet was not mad, for the ravings of a madman could not bear fruit. It should be noted that the Holy Qur'an again and again challenges its opponents to write down their prophecies about the Holy Prophet, thus showing that its own were actually written down from the first; and thus this chapter, which is one of the earliest, conclusively establishes the truth that every revelation of the Holy Qur'an was put down in writing as soon as it was communicated to the Prophet. (A.A.I.I.L)

So neener neener neener. (Disclaimer: I didn't write that paragraph. Actual adult humans, living on their own outside of an assisted care facility, wrote that.) It just goes to show how people hold any written word in high esteem, and boy Mo needed some of that shit--- When you're scammin', don't say I hear voices, say I have seen the writing, on the wall, in the stall, the clouds, wherever. If people argue about what kind of writing, they're not saying "You are one crazy-ass mutherfucker."

They'll just go on thinking you read god's tablets even though you were illiterate. They won't even ask how come you never learned to read. Most people seem to accept that Mo never learned to read and was having people write things for him right up till the day he died. Wouldn't spending 23 years reading revelations off of God's Heavenly Tablets In The Sky be enough for anybody to figure it out? It seems to me that if God, Lord of the Worlds, The Beneficent, the Merciful, Master of the Day of Judgment, appears and the very first thing he does is insist that youyou'd put some effort into figuring out how. What happened to all that fear of God? Unless, ... unless...OMG!...what if,..if ...(Mo just made up the whole thi