Rivers of Honey

Chapter 47, 'Muhammed'. Kind of a dud, really.

47:36 Surely this present life is only a play, and pastime!

Right. Then, line 15 is the newest release of Heaven. This upgrade supports all sorts of spiritual widgets, like ...

[47:15] ... rivers of milk whose taste will not undergo a change, and rivers of wine delectable to drinkers, and streams of purified honey,...

... (sounds swampy) but don't go getting all Pollyanna now, it can't end without a down note: infidels will ...

... be given boiling water to drink which will cut their intestines to shreds.

Ick.

Next up, more jihad, baby!

4. So, when you clash with the unbelievers, smite their necks until you overpower them, then hold them in bondage. Then either free them graciously or after taking a ransom,

47:31. We shall try you in order to know who are the fighters among you, and who are men of fortitude,

47:35. So do not become weak-kneed and sue for peace,

[47:35] Be not fainthearted then; and invite not the infidels to peace when ye have the upper hand: for God is with you, and will not defraud you of the recompense of your works.

Jesus Fucking Christ! Whoops, sorry; Allah Asshole Akbar! (I get my cults mixed up) We all know by now about those "recompenses" for not letting people surrender. There's a whole chapter on war profits, and,  if you've forgot, here's a nice summary of Godhammed's bling-booze-buggery-bitches Paradise. 

The rest of line 36-7:—Huh?

[47:36] ... but if ye believe, fear God; He will give you your rewards: but He will not ask all your riches of you.

[47:37]Should He ask them of you, and urge you, ye would shew yourself niggards: and He would bring your grudges to light.

Grudges”? Well, yeah, George Sale's translation tacks on [against his apostle] at the end. He's peeking a little too much behind the curtain, George is. Hmmm, so will gawd ask for our riches or won't he? Lucky for us, we have AAIL here to explain this for us. YAY! FTW!

The two statements do not contradict each other

Oh. Thank you.

Lord of the Bling

^44:37 ... the people of Tubba and those who were before them ...

Tubba? Super Mario is in the Koran? Nah, it turns out that was the ruling tribe of the Himyar kingdom, down south. God expects everyone to be up on their Ancient Yemeni history, obviously. But what about these non-tele-Tubbies? Wait, let me guess—you killed them all, amirite? Bingo, gold star, here's the rest: ... “We destroyed them because they were guilty of sin.” Lol, if you didn't see that coming you're just not paying attention.

People in heaven'll be

^44:53 Dressed in fine silk and in rich brocade,

what the hell? You have to get dressed up for heaven? Have to wear a tie? Can't go braless? If I run around in raggedy old jeans and T-shirt, will they kick me out? Having to wear nylons is not my idea of heaven, I was thinking a little more spiritual, like John Fogarty describes heaven this way. His lyrics are about everyone being friends, no battles, plenty of time, happy children... sounds good to me. Mohammed describe his idea of heaven in sura 43, “ornaments of gold”

^43:33 .. We would provide ... silver roofs for their houses and (silver) stair-ways on which to go up,
^43:34 And (silver) doors to their houses, and thrones (of silver) on which they could recline,
^43:35 And also adornments of gold.
^43:71 To them will be passed round dishes and goblets of gold: there will be there all that the souls could desire,

Whoa, pimpdaddy, it's a crack dealer's wet dream! You'd need some wicked shades in a whole town made out of silver, though, it'd be like the House of Mirrors. A silver couch? I'll stick with foam rubber, thnx.

Seriously, every time Mo describes heaven its always in term of material riches, exactly how you see the evil rich drug lord living, in the movies, before the good guy ruins his shit. Where's the uplifting moral message in that? A lot of expensive crap is the best possible reward Mohammed can think of? Fogarty sounds a lot closer to what my soul would desire, if I had one. Plus he sings better.

Mohammed's Night journey

Here we are reading the koran in order, at Sura 17 we're nearly halfway through it and we come to the famous story of Mo's Night Journey (this is more of verse 1). Why is this story not in the koran, when it's so famous and important?

Lemme see if I've got this straight. The angel Gabriel appeared and talked to Mo. It goes in the Koran if Mo said Gabriel said God said it. It goes in the Hadith if somebody else said Mo said Gabriel said God said it. So in this story, Mo said God said it—the only time god ever spoke directly to him, and HE LEFT IT OUT OF THE KORAN! Sure, that makes sense.

Yeah, Ok, so moving right along, Mo goes up to heaven, to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter asks him .... Oops, wrong myth. But yeah, he goes to heaven and somebody asked: Who's there? Who's he bringing in? Does he have an appointment? Then, once god's security team has checked them out, they let him into heaven's first floor. On each floor he meets a different person from the bible—Adam, Joseph, Moses—who gives him props. At the top it's “7^th floor, Abraham, Lotus tree, God.”

At least, that's one version. This story is from al-Iman, 75:1:309. But in 313 he says “He (the Holy Prophet) mentioned that he found in the heavens Adam, Idris, Jesus, Moses and Abraham (may peace be on all of them), but he did not ascertain as to the nature of their abodes except that he had found Adam in the lowest heaven and Abraham in the sixth heaven.” So which is it? Did he ascertain them like he did in 309 or is 313 telling the truth? For that matter, I'd like the witness to revisit the opening scene and tell the court again just exactly where this purported “vision” is supposed to have occurred. Will the court stenographer please read back the witness's earlier statements?

313 : The roof of my house was cleft when I was in Mecca and Gabriel descended ...
312: Three beings (angels) came to him in the mosque of the Ka'bah, while he was sleeping in the sacred mosque ...
311: Gabriel came to the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) while he was playing with his playmates ....

D.A. “So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the witness has told us that this happened at Mo's house, it happened at the Mosque, and even that it happened when Mo was a little boy. May it please the court, I'd like to make a motion that the testimony of this witness is contradictory and unreliable and should be struck from the record.”

JUDGE: “Motion granted. Bailiff, please escort the witness to the door, toss him out on the sidewalk and throw rocks at him. Let the record show that Malik reported this, but also in al-Iman 1:312 “The rest of the hadith is narrated like that of Thabit. However, some portions have occurred before and some of them have occurred after; some have been added and some deleted.” Case dismissed.

Another part of the story has Mo bartering with god over how much to pray. God told him 50 times a day. He went back down to the sixth floor and Moses told him that was too much. Instead of of insisting that this is the IMMUTABLE WORD OF GOD and not to be questioned, he took the escalator? elevator? Back up and bitched about it. God knocked off five prayers. Mo goes back to Moses. Not good enough. Sends him back. This goes on till they get down to five prayers a day, at which point Mo gets tired of the whole thing and gives up. So that's why muzzies have to pray five times a day.

Everybody seems to have their own version of all this. They all agree that Hell is on the first floor of heaven. Ishaq goes into a lot of detail describing it. Apparently this story was the inspiration for Dante's Inferno, with women hanging by their breasts and stuff like in the picture above. I guess before the internet, you had to get your snuff porn wherever you could find it.

God's Whorehouse

Chapter 56 uses 96 verses to say what pretty much what Cheech says above:

On Judgement day people will be divided into three groups. The bad ones will get scorching wind and drink boiling water, natch. The good ones will get shade, fruit, streams, and virginal slave-girls.

People that are especially good go in a third group, and they'll recline on gold couches, while "youths of never-ending bloom"(17) will give them non-alcoholic wine, fruit and bird meat, and slave-girls. And all they will hear is "peace, peace".

Slavery. In heaven.

Sura 36

Next in the Middle Meccan suras is 36, another one named for a typo, Ya Sin is just more ranting: nobody appreciates god for making everything; god will fuck you up. Here's samples.

7. paraphrasing, he says unbelievers deserve their sentence, then
8. “We will certainly put iron collars on their necks which will come up to their chins, so that they will not be able to raise their heads.
9. And We shall raise a barrier in front of them and a barrier behind them, and cover them over so that they will not be able to see.”

I'm betting that if a time traveler put a peter meter on Mohammed it'd go off the charts when he talks about Hell. He never goes into details about heaven though: Paradise, lessee... streams.... fruit... uhhh.... people being happy... BORinnnng. Some “”experts”” interpret this as saying what will happen in hell, others as as saying this is what god does to people so that they can't see the truth! Either way it makes god out a sadistic sumbitch. I don't need to interpret it, it paints a picture of an immature little brat who pulls wings off flies. Mo made his point in line 7, so the next two lines are just gratuitous violence, but he can't resist. People being tortured—WOOT!—here's how I'd do it.... (rapid breathing) ...

His abusive personality comes out again. God could have drowned people (43), blinded them (66), paralyzed them (67), but he didn't do any of those things, so that shows how merciful and kind he is. O thank you Master, for making the pain stop. Then it gets all emo, tells Mo “... be not grieved by what they say (76)”. Am I the only one this bothers? God supposedly has one shot at getting his message to all humankind, and this is it? Mo should keep his chin up? Why not send Mary Poppins? And don't look for pity right after you gloat about how you're gonna Ruin Our Shit.
Line 42 is funny though. Turns out god made extra arks besides the one Noah made. Maybe that's where they put all the dinosaurs?

41. That We bore their progeny in the laden ark is a sign for them;
42. And We made similar vessels for them to ride.

Sex, Drugs, and fruit.

Up till chapter 38, Mo's heaven has only been promising fruit and streams of running water. People weren't buying, and were persecuting poor old Mo. So now he adds booze and babes to pull in the marks.

(51) Where they will take their ease, calling for fruits in plenty, and for wine,
(52) With companions of modest look, the same in age, by their side.

Good marketing decision. It's still pulling 'em in.

HELL (& heaven)

Chapter 77: The Emissaries. 1. “I call to witness those who are sent, who strike, who revive, ... and Bill, and George, and Bev, and Susan. Enough with the swearing already---Who are all these jerks? About half the translations say they're winds, and it means angels. Here's a clue: if you mean angels, say “angels”. Jeez.

Same old same old, a lot of it in identical wording to verses we've already heard. Every fifth verse on average, this chapter repeats “Woe to those who deny”. Woe, woe, woe. This is obviously the chorus of a poem, so undoubtedly it sounds better in Arabic, but all it really says is this

(chorus)
He’ll fuck you up (he’ll fuck you up)
Yes, god will fuck you up
If you dare to disobey his stern command.
He’ll fuck you up (he’ll fuck you up)
Don’t you know he’ll fuck you up
So you better do some prayin’ while you can.

Then it describes hell---no shade, fire, sparks the size of camels. From the pictures I've seen of Arabia Mo's descriptions of hell shouldn't have had much effect, because these guys were already living in it. Heaven gets a measly 4 lines—it has shade, springs, and fruit. Gosh, kind of a bargain- basement Tahiti. I bet Sam Kinison could imagine a better heaven. He would've known what to tell Mo:

(transcript)
YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! NOTHING GROWS OUT HERE! NOTHING'S GONNA GROW OUT HERE! YOU SEE THIS? HUH? THIS IS SAND. KNOW WHAT IT'S GONNA BE A HUNDRED YEARS FROM NOW? IT'S GONNA BE SAND! YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! GET YOUR STUFF, GET YOUR SHIT, WE'LL MAKE ONE TRIP, WE'LL TAKE YOU TO WHERE THE FOOD IS! WE HAVE DESERTS IN AMERICA -- WE JUST DON'T LIVE IN THEM, ASSHOLES!"

It's too bad Mo couldn't have joined the navy and seen the world. If he found out where God's UN-chosen people lived, he would have shit coconuts. The size of camels probly.

I'm fucking Moses!

73 Moving right along, chronologically speaking, Chapter 73 is more whining, and Mo convinces himself he's just like Moses. Hell, he IS Moses! God has his back! Then in 74, he takes the plunge and decides god wants him to go inflict himself on other people. Like you weren't doing it already, Mr camel guts.

74 Mo goes back to the cave, resolves his doubts by having 'god' tell him yes, he should go start his own religion, then works himself up into a lather over some guy Walid that he can't convert, and all the hardships Mo'll inflict on him, till he splooges all over himself in verse 31 moaning about some weird secret hell number that only he'll know. Relaxing in post-orgasmic repose, he gloats for another 26 verses over Hell, until he even believes his own bullshit.

This last gloat-fest includes the sickest vision yet, a horrifying description of his homies sitting blissfully around in heaven's gardens casually conversing with--and taunting!--the people burning in hell. What kind of monster could watch his own family members being burned alive and contentedly pop another grape in his mouth and ask "My my, what did you do to deserve this? Gee, Mom,you must've been really bad. I bet that hurts, huh?" What a sick fuck. Pronounced lack of empathy? Check. Sociopathic personality? Check. The pieces are falling into place, and things don't look good for Arabia.