Earth First!?

(2:29) He made for you all that lies within the earth, then turning to the firmament He proportioned several skies:

Got it: earth first, then skies. But wait,79:30 sez sky first, then earth.

79:27-30 Are ye the harder to create, or is the heaven that He built? He raised the height thereof and ordered it; And He made dark the night thereof, and He brought forth the morn thereof. And after that He spread the earth ....
2:29 He it is Who created for you all that is in the earth. Then turned He to the heaven, and fashioned it as seven heavens.

Oh, oh yeah, we already decided this wasn't a problem. Ch41 was all Earth First! too, remember, and it turned out 'then' is a translation of tumma It can mean 'after that', or it can mean 'also, moreover'; so they're off the hook.

But Oh Noes! We still don't know which was created first. Oh dear oh dear, what SHALL we do? We'll just look in the bible—it tells us they were both made on the same day (Gen2:4), but it still doesn't say which came first. Oh my, oh my, such a problem. I know, we'll look in THIS book:

Earth came last, dummies.

Everybody's Talkin'

There's a big argument over how long it took god to create everything. The bible says 6 days, the koran says eight. Well it sorta does.

^41:9 Say: Is it that ye deny Him Who created the earth in two Days?
^41:10 He set on the (earth), mountains standing firm, high above it, and bestowed blessings on the earth, and measure therein all things to give them nourishment in due proportion, in four Days, in accordance with (the needs of) those who seek (Sustenance).
^41:12 So He completed them as seven firmaments in two Days, and He assigned to each heaven its duty and command. And We adorned the lower heaven with lights, and (provided it) with guard

One blog had a huge comment war over this with Christians yelling “ SIX DAYS! THE BIBLE IS TRUE!” and moslems yelling “EIGHT DAYS! THE QURAN IS TRUE!” It was a muslim blog so they finally agreed with Zakir Naik, the way it's worded it could just as well mean things happened at the same time, so...six, like in the bible. I got no problem with that, except for nobody ever mentioned that missing verse 11. Here it is:

^41:11 Moreover He comprehended in His design the sky, and it had been (as) smoke: He said to it and to the earth: "Come ye together, willingly or unwillingly." They said: "We do come (together), in willing obedience."

ROFLMAO! All that nitpicking over whether there is factual inconsistency in a book, and they completely ignore the fact that the book claims THE SKY AND THE EARTH CAN TALK! It's enough irony to smelt down and build battleships.

There's more lulz in here: it says people's skins will talk to them. No, seriously:

^41:20 At length, when they reach the (Fire), their hearing, their sight, and their skins will bear witness against them, as to (all) their deeds.
^41:21 They will say to their skins: "Why bear ye witness against us?" They will say: "(Allah) hath given us speech,- (He) Who giveth speech to everything:

Well, damn near everything. We've had talking birds, ants, and trees, but this is just getting ridiculous. Larry the Cucumber is kind of silly, but he's aimed at preschool kids. The koran's supposed to be for grown-ups. Isn't it?

Sura 36

Next in the Middle Meccan suras is 36, another one named for a typo, Ya Sin is just more ranting: nobody appreciates god for making everything; god will fuck you up. Here's samples.

7. paraphrasing, he says unbelievers deserve their sentence, then
8. “We will certainly put iron collars on their necks which will come up to their chins, so that they will not be able to raise their heads.
9. And We shall raise a barrier in front of them and a barrier behind them, and cover them over so that they will not be able to see.”

I'm betting that if a time traveler put a peter meter on Mohammed it'd go off the charts when he talks about Hell. He never goes into details about heaven though: Paradise, lessee... streams.... fruit... uhhh.... people being happy... BORinnnng. Some “”experts”” interpret this as saying what will happen in hell, others as as saying this is what god does to people so that they can't see the truth! Either way it makes god out a sadistic sumbitch. I don't need to interpret it, it paints a picture of an immature little brat who pulls wings off flies. Mo made his point in line 7, so the next two lines are just gratuitous violence, but he can't resist. People being tortured—WOOT!—here's how I'd do it.... (rapid breathing) ...

His abusive personality comes out again. God could have drowned people (43), blinded them (66), paralyzed them (67), but he didn't do any of those things, so that shows how merciful and kind he is. O thank you Master, for making the pain stop. Then it gets all emo, tells Mo “... be not grieved by what they say (76)”. Am I the only one this bothers? God supposedly has one shot at getting his message to all humankind, and this is it? Mo should keep his chin up? Why not send Mary Poppins? And don't look for pity right after you gloat about how you're gonna Ruin Our Shit.
Line 42 is funny though. Turns out god made extra arks besides the one Noah made. Maybe that's where they put all the dinosaurs?

41. That We bore their progeny in the laden ark is a sign for them;
42. And We made similar vessels for them to ride.

Attack of the Clot

Everyone seems to agree that Mohamed's first vision was surah 96, The Clot. It's not a 1950's horror flick, it's the koran's genesis story; God created man from a clot? Well, in Arabic it sounds better, al-alaq, a clump of blood or some such, a 'biomass' which is better'n the Bible's crummy old lump of clay. But blood from what? There were no people yet, so it couldn't have been human blood, it could only be some sort of common ancestor. Ha! Take that creationists! I bet it was monkey blood. LOL!

Doesn't much matter really, since in other places he creates man from dust (3:59), fermented clay (15:26) semen (16:4) or a soul (4:1) and in (22:5) he goes wild and covers all the bases; "We first created you from dust, then from a sperm, then from a clot of blood, then from a half-formed lump of flesh," How did that work? Create, destroy, recreate? Infallible God just couldn't get it right the first time, Hmm?

You'd expect, with a catchy title like "The Clot: it's alive!" this chapter would have more to say about clots, or clottiness, or clotting. You'd be wrong. With a lack of logic that's already routine, this one single line,

2. Created man from an embryo;

is the only mention of any clottitude, and this is typical. If a word appears once in the whole chapter, that's enough to be a name for the whole thing. Wouldn't it be helpful if all books followed god's Mad Libs method?

Fundamentals of Psychology
Chapter 1. Of
Chapter 2. Were
Chapter 3. Single
Chapter 4. Are
Chapter 5. Association
Chapter 6. The

Chapter 7--batshit, Chapter 8--crazy. This guy god has a pretty fancy resume, but if personnel sends him up, keep him away from the copy desk at all costs. Have him sweep floors or something.