Mo Stays On Task

Chapter 12 tells a story from the Bible, and Whoo-Hooo! Mohammed stays on one topic for a whole chapter! Gold star! Just when I'd gotten used to changing the subject every line or three. Here's what he says about the story.

3. Through the revelation of this Qur'an We narrate the best of histories of which you were unaware before.
102. This is news of the unknown We reveal to you
111. ... This is not a fictitious tale, but a verification of earlier Books

With Jews and Christians were around Mecca like fleas on a camel I dunno why he insists no one knew this story, but he wasn't trying to plagiarize. He's still trying to surf along on the old holy books, but he gets some of the details wrong so once again he ends up contradicting instead of verifying. Here's the tale.

Story of Joseph, Cliff Notes

His brothers try to kill him by dumping him down an old well. Somebody finds him, sells him into slavery in Egypt. Something about the boss's wife, prison time, and his cell mate eventually lands him a job with the Pharoah. His brothers show up, he jacks them around some and then invites the whole family over for dinner and a happy ending.

Notice the plot goes a little vague there in the middle? Yeah me too, because a good chunk of this version goes to explaining how Joseph was proved innocent of screwing the bosses wife, and then we cut to Joe in prison. Wait, ...what? Why? For what? All Ali says is “they found it proper for a time” Who? What? Pickthal's translation is a little better:

(35) And it seemed good to them (the men-folk) after they had seen the signs (of his innocence) to imprison him for a time.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. This is what passes for logic in CSI: Olde Araby ? The only reason I've EVER found for why he's in prison is here on some crazy Christian site I can't find again, and it was to protect him from the wife! Seriously. Such an Epic Fail at logic gives me a license to speculate, so here's my explanation, tactful like always.

Mo and all these other religion freaks were a herd of Male Chauvinist Pricks, that's a given, and most accounts agree Mo wasn't that great a story-teller. My theory is, when he came to the part where a Mighty Penis-Bearing Male was accused of wrong-doing by a lowly Boob-bearing Dick Holster, he couldn't avoid repeating all the standard excuses to ensure all blame fell on the females, leaving the Merit of the Mighty Male beyond reproach, as required by his Male Chauvinist Prick-mind. To wit,

23 With her husband RIGHT IN THE NEXT ROOM, the lady of the house
24 tried to rape him—against his will of course—and
25 ripped his clothes off as he runs out. (wink. Y'know how us studly dudes put up with this shit all the time, right?) Then she cried rape ®
26 It was all her fault ®, obviously, since
27-9 his shirt was torn in back instead of in front (! CSI: Olde Egypt !).
28 Bitches always lie®, and hubby was all
29 “it's cool Bro. And you, you fucking slut, you'll be sorry®”.
30 Then, people gossiped about her,
31 so she set up a meeting, and they said “Damn, girl, he's a hunk!”
32 She's all “Screw me or go to prison**” and
33 he opts for prison.
34 But god shut them bitches down.

[**you think I make this shit up? It says: (32) “I tried seducing him but he refused. If he does not do what I order him, he will be put in prison.” A standard pickup line you hear women using in bars everywhere, no?]

So Mo waxes eloquent about the evil wimmins until he realizes he completely destroyed his story line, then he mumbles line 35 real quick and gets back to the Bible story hoping no one will notice. Well I did, and I had to go back to the Bible to find out how the story is supposed to go: the boss believes his wife and tosses Joe in the clink. Logical. I never thought I'd say this, but read the Bible, it's a lot better.

There are a few other little mistakes. Mo has the Egyptian buying Joe with non-existent coins, “a few dirhams” which were money in Mo's day, but back in Joe's time coins hadn't even been invented. Also, the Bible calls the Egyptian guy Potiphar, but the Koran calls him Aziz, so we get silly Christians arguing with Moslems about which holy book is Teh Troof. It's never Aziz, it's al-Aziz and al is the definite article so Aziz isn't a name it's a title, so I'll come down with the Moslems on this one. I'll even cut Mo some slack on the dirhams—it's an easy slip to make in oral story telling. But I won't let him get by with having dead parents come to visit.

99. When they went back to Joseph he gave his father and mother a place of honour, and said: "Enter Egypt in peace by the will of God."
100. He seated his parents by his side on the throne; and they fell down before him in homage.

Trouble with this is, Genesis says his mom died in childbirth (35:18), and his step-mom was planted in a field in Canaan (49:31). I guess that's the reason they fell down—corpses do that unless you prop them up. I use baling wire.

Weirder is the magic shirt Mo puts into the story. He has Joe say this to his brothers,

93. “Take my shirt and put it on my father's face; his eyesight will be restored”

WTF? Five verses later they do, and it does! This guy talks to trees, believes in djinns that eat shit, why not magic shirts that cure blindness? I'll ask my doctor about it. His version of Joe's old man doesn't deserve to be cured anyway. When the brothers came home without Joe, he didn't go looking for him, didn't mourn like in the bible, he didn't do a damn thing. Then when they take his other son and THEY DO IT AGAIN, all he has to say is

83. "No," said (the father). "You have made up the story; but patience is best; God may bring them back to me. He is all-knowing and all-wise."

What great fucking parenting. Patience isn't best, you asshole, a search party is! In the Bible, he gets all upset, mourns and shit, but Mo forgot all that part, another example of Mohammed's inability to muster up ordinary human emotions. Look at the twisted way he has Joseph, his model of the wise and righteous man, respond when they prove he's innocent.

53. But I do not wish to absolve myself, for the soul is prone to evil, unless my Lord have mercy.

Doesn't he want justice? Nah, this is bad S&M porn; “Only if it pleases you Master”, “Punish me if it pleases you, Master.” It doesn't matter if he's innocent or what's right or wrong, only that his Master is happy. Religion in a nutshell.

Sura Ten Drive-by

There's nothing particularly interesting in chapter 10 and it's tempting to just say, “there's nothing interesting in this chapter.” LOL, I could repeat that 114 times and be done with the whole Koran! But I can't--the nuns in grade school always gave me low marks in 'perseverance,' and if I take the easy way out now, they will have been right. So here I am slodging through this thing, halfway done and still going. Damn you Sister Dominatrix, damn you!

Here we go, drive-by comments:

7. As for those who do not hope to meet Us (after death), and are content with the life of this world, who are oblivious of Our signs,
8. Will have Hell as their abode ...

Being content with life is a flaw? Me and Hobbes beg to differ.

27. But those who earn evil shall be punished to an equal degree as their evil, and they will be covered with shame, and will have none to protect them against God: Their faces shall be blackened as though with patches of the night. They are the people of Hell, where they will abide for ever,

People say this is not like the Bible's 'Mark of Caine', where people with dark skin are cursed. At least, that's not how Mo meant it, but that hasn't stopped his followers from reading it that way. I give you the African slave trade, all the way up to Darfur today....

Verse 38 is the famous Sura Challenge, that we've seen before. Nobody but god hisself could make a sura like this, sez he. NOT!

Verse 41 is a nice change, and it sticks out like a sore thumb. It sounds like Jesus snuck in a verse from the sermon on the mount,

41. If they (still) call you a liar, tell them: "For me my actions, for you yours. You are not answerable for my deeds, nor I for what you do."

Allllriiightt!! Hallelujah! Amen, brother!

Now if you shitcanned the other 108 verses, this whole chapter'd be good. Like this one—shitcan this verse, please!

44. Surely God does not wrong anyone; they wrong themselves.

Mohammed showing his abusive personality again. “Stop making me hurt you, you stupid bitch! If you just had dinner on the table when I get home...” Yeah right, Mo, it's always the victims fault. Eat shit.

Here's God settling the Palestinian Question again, giving Israel to the Jews, and look what they go and do:

93. We gave the people of Israel a settled abode, and bestowed good things on them to eat and use. So they did not differ until they came to have knowledge.

God's cranky here; "Those uppity Jews, going and getting all edumacated. Why ain't they never content just kissing my ass, why they always gotta go larn stuff? Been a problem ever since that damn Tree in the Garden."

Here's an interesting tidbit. The US has a University for every 61,000 people, the entire muslim world has one per 3 million. Of course, some of ours are useless Christian ones like Bob Jone's, or Regent's.

Religion + Knowledge = 0

Finally, to end this Sura on an appropriately surreal note, we have verse 104.

104 “I worship God who makes you die”

WTF???

I told you so!

WHOOO-HOOO!! Remember back in my 9/10 post, Abu's an Asshole, where I diagnosed our buddy Mo? and said he had a bad case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Well looky what I found---a whole book telling me how right I was! Neener Neener Neener, Told Ya So! Don't mess with Uzza, bitches! LOL!

Seriously, the guy is a little too right-wing and I don't know how much faith to put in this, but it's nice to find out I'm not the only one who sees it this way.

Red Flag!

An observation on 68:44-45. Immediately after three verses of ranting about how he'll kick ass, Mo immediately says he'll give respite. Red Flag! Although this seems not to make sense, anyone who studies domestic violence will recognize the pattern. Within the cycle of violence, the acting-out phase is always followed by the honeymoon phase where the abuser 'gives respite' and reestablishes his bona fides as being actually a good person, so that the cycle can continue. And sure enough, in the hadiths we read about Mohammed punching his teenaged bride Aisha.

The koran is full of contradictory sets like that: 9:5 kill them → 9:6 give them asylum; 8:60 strike terror in them → 8:61 make peace with them. That's just a random few. The red flag becomes a huge tapestry that covers most of the known world.

Six distinct stages make up the cycle of violence:

1. brooding over perceived wrongs and fantasizing over 'next time',

"what I should've done"...

2. setting up the victim,

3. the abuse

4. fear of reprisal expressed as feelings of "guilt", apologies...

5. rationalizing, excuses, blaming the victim, how he had no choice

but to be violent, she "made him do it"...

6. shift to tolerant and even loving behavior, the 'honeymoon phase'

Here we have Mo brooding in his cave, fantasizing how god will help him get even, then feeling guilty, rationalizing, immediate shift to 'giving respite'. All that's lacking is the actual abuse. How much should I bet that will appear as soon as Mo gains some actual power over others?

Typical Abuser	Mohammed
Abusers may spend minutes, hours or days fantasizing about what the victim has done "wrong" and how he is going to make her "pay".	Mo in his cave...uhhh...what more needs to be said?
setting up his victim,	Constant theme through the book is that Allah "sets a seal on the hearts of men" so that they cannot understand his message. Then he sends them to hell for not understanding it.
the abuse,	So far Mo's just a powerless little whiner who can only make threats. 96: drag by the forelock; 68:10-14 he calls all those names, -16 brand on the snout,... wait he gets some power, you'll see him cutting off heads and all of it.
the abuser's fear of reprisal expressed as feelings of "guilt",	See above pattern of Threaten-Offer Protection. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, there wasn't much reprisal for Mohamed.
his rationalization,	"They made me do it" (11:101) or "they wrong themselves" (10:44) is a constant refrain. For a textbook example check out 11:116-119: wow! Short version below.
his shift to tolerant and even loving behavior.	"give respite", above; "God is loving and kind" usually tacked onto the end of some boodthirsty rant.

Shorter 11:116-119   If only they were good; we wouldn't destroy good people; but we could make them behave; but they still wouldn't; unless we forgive them; but we're gonna kick ass.

Does this guy sound balanced? Does he have anger issues? Does a camel shit in the desert?

Sour Grapes

According to tradition the first revelation was chapter 96, then Mo waited 6 months and had chapter 68. The story goes on with Mo talking to himself in the cave, after he decided god likes him best (that was the last half of 96), but first it says Mo's not crazy, something that was actively under discussion around town.

Here's Mo: "They said I was nuts! Waahh, I'm not. I'm special!" and he calls on a book again for proof; in line 37, he's all "Who says? You got a book from god telling you shit?" Why would he ask that? He knew the Jews did have such a book, and the pagans in Mecca didn't. So he wanted to be like the Jews. So he needs a book. Not being able to read it poses a small problem, LOL! Book envy! And line 47 too,

(47)Do they have secret knowledge they write down? [hint hint like meee!! hint]. Fuck.

Then comes the most transparent middle school whining every JHS counselor is sick of, about how they won't let him do what he wants; they're every kind of bastard; and god will show them you just wait and see, fuck those guys, they're bitches, yada yada, I'll show them. Mo calls them: contemptible swearer, backbiter, calumniator, slanderer, the transgressor, the iniquitous, Crude, and above all, mean and infamous. Wow! He forgot to say they're poopy.

Especially that temple guard,

(12) Who hinders men me from doing good what I want. (14) Simply because he possesses wealth and children.

Ahh, it's the rich kid Mo's pissy at. And when he gets to the inevitable end part "I'll show him" he isn't just gonna kick his ass (lol, because if he could've he wouldn't be off sulking in a cave) no, God is gonna kick his ass!

"Me and whose army? God's army, that's who! Take that fucker!"

Looks like Mo was thinking big even in the early days.

With that off his chest, he tells a parable. These guys had a garden and they wouldn't share anything. When they went out to harvest, the poor people had snuck in the night before and took everything. So then they were like, "I guess it serves us right for being such selfish assholes". Wow, finally, a cool story with a moral and everything (even if it is just a thinly disguised rant on the Meccans). Go, Mo, now you're getting this prophet stuff!
It's verses 17-34, a whole third of the chapter, before it trails off into threats and whines again. This chapter is 30% moral guidance sandwiched between two thirds juvenile pissing and moaning. Is Mo a multiple? A Sybil of the Sands? What other personalities will come out? Stay tuned....

Abu's an Asshole

Still in chapter 96, once he's relieved Mo's Book Envy, the angel changes the subject to Mo's little problems, how some guys, not bringing up the camel guts incident, but just some guys y'know, keep people from praying the way they ought to. And how is that? Why just the way little Mo does it. What a coincidence. And then the angel says they'll kick that guy's ass, and Mo jumps up and makes a lot of kung fu moves, and acts out how him and god'll show that mean guard a thing or two. And the Angel says, "attaboy Mo!"
Then we come to this verse...

9. Have you seen him who restrains
10. A votary when he turns to his devotions?

If you didn't know better you might interpret this verse as a message to not interfere with other people and their freedom to pursue their praying without hindrance. LOL, Not in this book! The votary is Mo, and plenty of hadith gossip about that "him who". It was Abu Jahl, one of the Meccan Priests, who tried to keep Mohamed and his weird cult out of the temple. In fact, he was the guy who dumped camel guts on Mo while he was praying. Can't say I blame him much; there's been a few Bible-thumpers who made me wish for a bucket of guts.

And that's god's first great message to humankind, that Abu's a jerk. It's kind of a letdown. I'd expected more along the lines of "you peeps gotta to start lovin' on one another", but that's just me. Hey, who cares about world peace when there's Mo Mocking going on? Priorities, man.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Symptoms
1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance √
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited power, brilliance... √
3. believes he is "special" and unique √
4. requires excessive admiration √
5. unreasonable expectations of special treatment √
6. is interpersonally exploitative, √
7. lacks empathy: √
8. often envious of others or believes others are envious of him √
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes √
10. is named Mohamed, lives in the desert, starts a cult, has fourteen wives..