Mo Stays On Task

Chapter 12 tells a story from the Bible, and Whoo-Hooo! Mohammed stays on one topic for a whole chapter! Gold star! Just when I'd gotten used to changing the subject every line or three. Here's what he says about the story.

3. Through the revelation of this Qur'an We narrate the best of histories of which you were unaware before.
102. This is news of the unknown We reveal to you
111. ... This is not a fictitious tale, but a verification of earlier Books

With Jews and Christians were around Mecca like fleas on a camel I dunno why he insists no one knew this story, but he wasn't trying to plagiarize. He's still trying to surf along on the old holy books, but he gets some of the details wrong so once again he ends up contradicting instead of verifying. Here's the tale.

Story of Joseph, Cliff Notes

His brothers try to kill him by dumping him down an old well. Somebody finds him, sells him into slavery in Egypt. Something about the boss's wife, prison time, and his cell mate eventually lands him a job with the Pharoah. His brothers show up, he jacks them around some and then invites the whole family over for dinner and a happy ending.

Notice the plot goes a little vague there in the middle? Yeah me too, because a good chunk of this version goes to explaining how Joseph was proved innocent of screwing the bosses wife, and then we cut to Joe in prison. Wait, ...what? Why? For what? All Ali says is “they found it proper for a time” Who? What? Pickthal's translation is a little better:

(35) And it seemed good to them (the men-folk) after they had seen the signs (of his innocence) to imprison him for a time.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. This is what passes for logic in CSI: Olde Araby ? The only reason I've EVER found for why he's in prison is here on some crazy Christian site I can't find again, and it was to protect him from the wife! Seriously. Such an Epic Fail at logic gives me a license to speculate, so here's my explanation, tactful like always.

Mo and all these other religion freaks were a herd of Male Chauvinist Pricks, that's a given, and most accounts agree Mo wasn't that great a story-teller. My theory is, when he came to the part where a Mighty Penis-Bearing Male was accused of wrong-doing by a lowly Boob-bearing Dick Holster, he couldn't avoid repeating all the standard excuses to ensure all blame fell on the females, leaving the Merit of the Mighty Male beyond reproach, as required by his Male Chauvinist Prick-mind. To wit,

23 With her husband RIGHT IN THE NEXT ROOM, the lady of the house
24 tried to rape him—against his will of course—and
25 ripped his clothes off as he runs out. (wink. Y'know how us studly dudes put up with this shit all the time, right?) Then she cried rape ®
26 It was all her fault ®, obviously, since
27-9 his shirt was torn in back instead of in front (! CSI: Olde Egypt !).
28 Bitches always lie®, and hubby was all
29 “it's cool Bro. And you, you fucking slut, you'll be sorry®”.
30 Then, people gossiped about her,
31 so she set up a meeting, and they said “Damn, girl, he's a hunk!”
32 She's all “Screw me or go to prison**” and
33 he opts for prison.
34 But god shut them bitches down.

[**you think I make this shit up? It says: (32) “I tried seducing him but he refused. If he does not do what I order him, he will be put in prison.” A standard pickup line you hear women using in bars everywhere, no?]

So Mo waxes eloquent about the evil wimmins until he realizes he completely destroyed his story line, then he mumbles line 35 real quick and gets back to the Bible story hoping no one will notice. Well I did, and I had to go back to the Bible to find out how the story is supposed to go: the boss believes his wife and tosses Joe in the clink. Logical. I never thought I'd say this, but read the Bible, it's a lot better.

There are a few other little mistakes. Mo has the Egyptian buying Joe with non-existent coins, “a few dirhams” which were money in Mo's day, but back in Joe's time coins hadn't even been invented. Also, the Bible calls the Egyptian guy Potiphar, but the Koran calls him Aziz, so we get silly Christians arguing with Moslems about which holy book is Teh Troof. It's never Aziz, it's al-Aziz and al is the definite article so Aziz isn't a name it's a title, so I'll come down with the Moslems on this one. I'll even cut Mo some slack on the dirhams—it's an easy slip to make in oral story telling. But I won't let him get by with having dead parents come to visit.

99. When they went back to Joseph he gave his father and mother a place of honour, and said: "Enter Egypt in peace by the will of God."
100. He seated his parents by his side on the throne; and they fell down before him in homage.

Trouble with this is, Genesis says his mom died in childbirth (35:18), and his step-mom was planted in a field in Canaan (49:31). I guess that's the reason they fell down—corpses do that unless you prop them up. I use baling wire.

Weirder is the magic shirt Mo puts into the story. He has Joe say this to his brothers,

93. “Take my shirt and put it on my father's face; his eyesight will be restored”

WTF? Five verses later they do, and it does! This guy talks to trees, believes in djinns that eat shit, why not magic shirts that cure blindness? I'll ask my doctor about it. His version of Joe's old man doesn't deserve to be cured anyway. When the brothers came home without Joe, he didn't go looking for him, didn't mourn like in the bible, he didn't do a damn thing. Then when they take his other son and THEY DO IT AGAIN, all he has to say is

83. "No," said (the father). "You have made up the story; but patience is best; God may bring them back to me. He is all-knowing and all-wise."

What great fucking parenting. Patience isn't best, you asshole, a search party is! In the Bible, he gets all upset, mourns and shit, but Mo forgot all that part, another example of Mohammed's inability to muster up ordinary human emotions. Look at the twisted way he has Joseph, his model of the wise and righteous man, respond when they prove he's innocent.

53. But I do not wish to absolve myself, for the soul is prone to evil, unless my Lord have mercy.

Doesn't he want justice? Nah, this is bad S&M porn; “Only if it pleases you Master”, “Punish me if it pleases you, Master.” It doesn't matter if he's innocent or what's right or wrong, only that his Master is happy. Religion in a nutshell.