Sura 31: Bob Says

Maybe I shouldn't help the kid with his homework before I read the koran, then things like this won't bother me so much. Look at Verse 10 “He created the heavens...We sent down rain...”

What are you trying to say--who did it, him or you? Don't think your teacher's not gonna notice this; the sentence after it says 'me' and the one before it says 'our'. She'll flunk you and send you back a grade. You've gotta be consistent; imagine yourself being God or the Hordes of Kalimdor, but stay those same guys all the way through your assignment. No shape-shifting. It's not D&D.

Oops. That's not the Noble Word of the Lord, that's me telling a grade schooler how to write an essay. LOL, maybe there's not much difference when you're thirteen, but isn't god older than that? At least 6000 years older is what I hear. He's supposed to have created all the 6000 or so languages in the world—one a year—and he still doesn't know basic grammar? God is a cute little Special Ed kid insisting “There is no god but Us.”

In the kid's rough draft, we put more red ink about how you have to “introduce your characters” yada yada yada. You can't just pop in a sentence about some guy your readers've never heard of, even if Mohammed does:

¹³Behold, Luqman said to his son... "Join not in worshipping others with Allah.” and
Behold, Bob said “Listen not to the Jehovah's Witnesses.” and
Behold Sparky said “Get them fucking bible thumpers off the front porch.”

Whattaya mean who's Sparky and Bob; who the hell's Luqman? Quran never tells you, or why I should believe him any more than Bob. Him and Sparky I know, because I took a bottle of Thunderbird to their cardboard shack by the railroad track and they explained all about the Quran. Lugman, shit, even with Google I had a hard time finding out who he was. Some friend of that Special Ed kid that people in ancient Arabia knew about. Suprise, suprise, in the koran what Luqman says is the same thing Mo says. Who'da thunk it? (13) “false worship is indeed the highest wrong-doing", yeah, yeah, (14) “be good to your parents”, Right, little-orphan-Mohammie,

(15) “But if they try to make you associate something with Me about which you have no knowledge, do not obey them.”

What the? He's telling kids they don't have to do what they're told unless they know more about something than their parents. What kid doesn't think he has more knowledge than his parents? You'd let thirteen year olds read this book? You're outta your mind.

Don't obey your parents, where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, EVERY SINGLE EXPERT who warns about dangerous cults. Like the American Family Foundation, warning sign #12. Bob said old Luqman is “one whacked out mutherfucker”, Sparky tossed the Quran in the burn barrel, and we finished off the Thunderbird. Screw it.

But I liked the poetry in line 27.

“ And if all the trees on earth were pens and the ocean (were ink), with seven oceans behind it to add to its (supply), yet would not the words of Allah be exhausted (in the writing):”

If trees were pens,
and the seas were ink,
Allah would write,
to make us all think,

that he made the earth
and all kinds of stuff
so we'll kiss his ass
and don't give him no guff.

Then we'll go the heaven
with fruit and cool streams,
and watch all the sinners
and laugh at their screams.

Woot