Thine eyes are like UV

Luke goes to Crazytown in 11:33-36: LAMPS, EYES, WTF.

  Luke 11:33 “No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light.

Ok so far. Watch it though, whenever this book starts to make sense you drop your guard and it nails you with an underhand from left field.

34 Your eye is the lamp of your body. [Huh? See, here it comes] When your eyes are healthy, your whole body also is full of light.

Wait, what? Good eyesight makes your whole body transparent? Who knew?

Glass frog. Really good eyesight?

But when they are unhealthy, your body also is full of darkness.

Oh, pshaw. Remember, “outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” If it's not dark, you don't have eye problems, you have an LED on the microchip Homeland Security planted in there.

35 See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness.

Them being so hard to tell apart and all. What mentally challenged target audience is this aimed at? Our rug rat can tell light from dark and he's only two. If it's a metaphor for enlightenment or some shit, what's it got to do with your eyes? If you sin you go blind?

36 Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be just as full of light as when a lamp shines its light on you.”

Oh, wait, I get it. No part of your body is dark, – it's talking about going through the TSA scanners! Your whole body lights up like spotlights on a porn star. Fuck me, how'd those old bible guys know to predict this? It's a miracle, the bible must be true. I'll be dipped in shit err, holy water.

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Next up, Jebus tells his peeps not to worry where their next meal is coming from, how to make a living, save for the future, any of that candy-ass shit, 'coz da Lard will Provide, yo.

Luke 12:24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them.

Bible-believing Christians?

Consider the Ravens, he says. Ian has a post on it. Basically, 70% of all ravens starve to death every year. That's great advice there, J.C., depend on you and get three chances out of ten I'll live to see another winter. No thanks, I get better odds jumping in with a Mexican drug cartel.