Big John

John 1:6 There was a man sent from God whose name was John.
Kind of broad at the shoulders, narrow at the hip.
And everybody knew you didn't give no lip to Big John.

No wait, that's Johnny Cash.

This first part, John 1-5, sounds like the Tao Te Ching, “It was god but not god.” Well a real amaturish, bad TTC, by a fifth grader. Line 14 sounds kind of Hindu, “the Word became flesh”. Of course it did, these Abraham fellators always have to personify everything. We can't be expected to grasp difficult concepts, we're sheep herders. You have to put it in terms we'll understand, like “God is the sexiest sheep in the flock, he's like really hawt! Hallelujah!” Come to think of it, they do like them that sheep metaphor.

Whoever wrote this about Big John, he's pretty flowery, writes a lot better than the first three gospels. These all tell the same story, and the best one is last, so maybe they did what I do sometimes, instead of naming my files Rough Draft 1 and Rough Draft 2, I give them names, like Abrigail, Bob, Charlie. Or Matthew, Mark and Luke. That must be what happened, why else would they tell the story four times?  Somebody should tell them to toss out those first three.

Look! Quantum effects in the Bible!

John 1:15 He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.

Wow, after me, before me, he says it again in line 30. How could John have known about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle? Somewhere on the internet, I know in my heart, is some jackass claiming this is proof of a miracle. Not so much in my heart, actually, as in the pit of my stomach. Or my ass.

John 43-51 introduces us to Nathaniel. I'd never heard of the guy, maybe because he's such a gullible sap. Long story short, he's saying this Jesus character is not all that, until he meets him and----wonder of wonders----Jesus somehow knew he was under a fig tree earlier. Hallefuckinglujah, a guy a Palestine was under a fig tree. How much of a prophet you gotta be to predict that? Now a California Redwood, that would be impressive, but a fucking fig? And that's all the more woo it takes for this dickwit Nathaniel to go all lemmesuckyerdick. I swear, these guys are so easy to impress, if they lived now they'd send all their money to Nigeria and sleep under bridges.

A CAT AFORE A DOG

This gospel makes it real clear it was written way later, it keeps putting in cataphors. That's a fancy word I don't get to say much, but isn't it cute? It means flash-forwards, like he'll say “after he was raised from the dead bla bla bla”(2:22). He keeps giving away the ending.

It gives me a reason to post that picture though, so we get something more uplifting than the Bible. Yay!