Jack Frost ism

When you're a kid, you learn all about Jack Frost, and how he paints the leaves red in the Fall. Watch out--it's a bait and switch. If you make it to adulthood, you'll find out he's just a mythical creature, a made-up character in a story, he's not real at all. Bastards! Lying to little kids!

Well just chill the fuck out. Nobody's trying to scam you out of your lunch money. Trust me, you wouldn't like it if they trapped you in your play pen and lectured your crapping little ass about anthocyanins and xanthophyll.

It's ok; Jack Frost is make-believe, but not the same way as Cat in the Hat is. Old Jack here, he's what you call a personification. He's not completely imaginary, see, he's just an easy way to refer to a natural process. You can draw pictures of Jack—have you ever tried to draw Allelopathy?  Yeah, I thought not.

When you get big, you'll learn to use the potty, and go to college, and they'll tell you about metaphors. That's what Jack Frost is, a metaphor. So are Old Man River and Lady Luck. So are light waves and photons, when you're old enough to learn about them.

Heads up though, it's another bait and switch. There really isn't any such thing as a light wave or a light particle, they're just metaphors to talk about invisible things that we only kinda sorta understand. No, no, don't cry, we can still investigate them, we just make up metaphors, like those light waves and particles and Jack Frost, and God, and honest politicians. Then you just choose the metaphor that's useful. And “god” is a useful metaphor, Damn it! (See what I did there? Lol.)

Now stop chewing your boogers and pay attention, cuz here's the important part. You know what happens? Sometimes, when two people really love each other, uhh, they use a metaphor, and the other person thinks they mean it literal.

LMAO, they think Lady Luck is a real person, and they bet their mortgage payment on her, and lose their ass, and have to go live under the freeway in a cardboard box. Don't be like them. Keep your metaphors and reality separate, mmkay?, but remember, understanding-wise, some people just never grow up. Sometimes they can't help it, so don't be mean to them. Unless they start preaching at you and saying stuff like “Jack Frost hates Fags”, then go ahead and kick their ass.

Wake up now, I'm sorry I used big words and all, but here's the thing. All those made-up guys—Lady Luck, Jack Frost, God—they're personifications, ways to talk about natural processes, ones that are so complicated everybody flunks Statistics at least once. Nobody flunks Jack Frost though.

So don't go telling little Suzy next door that Jack Frost doesn't exist, cuz you'll break her little heart and she'll kick your ass. She prolly won't get all up in your shit though, for telling her the cartoon version's just a bad Photoshop. The lady ain't dumb, and who knows, it might put her in the mood for a little photoprotection and coevolution. But until she comes over with an AK47 to make you paint leaves with her, just lay off, and if she never grows up you can still play together. Now go.

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