Parable of Mass Destruction

Way long time ago, there was this kingdom where the people had no spines. They sort of slithered, and went wherever you pushed them, because you can't push back without a backbone, but even so they were a powerful kingdom, with a mighty king. Well, not all that mighty himself, but he inherited the kingdom from his old man who was a mighty conqueror with extra letters in his name.

The new little king sent a message throughout the land.
“Attention, all dukes and earls,” it said, “big important proclamation.”
All the dukes and earls crawled and slithered up to the royal castle and listened up.
“Yo, here's what.” said the king, “We're going to invade the kingdom next door”
The dukes 'n earls were all “WTF? Why we do that? What'd they do?”

“We gotta,” said the king “they've got a scary magic weapon. It's called the Nooklar, and it can make us lose our minds, like evil zombies. If they use it we'll all turn into violent mass murdering torture-killers. That scary Nooklar, that's the Reason we gotta fight, fight, fight!” and he did a little cheerleader routine. He was good at that.

They all thought “Bad Plan!” and “What was that Reason?” but this was the Kingdom of the Spineless so they gathered up a horde of doods and charged in and the neighbors surrendered because, hey what's to fight about? The Hordes turned over every mattress and pig and cow, and tracked mud everywhere but they never found the scary hidden Nooklar.

The dukes 'n earls went to the king and they said,
“We're awful sorry Your Warriorness, we can't find the Nooklar”.
The king said back, “The Reason we went there was not to find the Nooklar. The Reason we went there was to find Chemerical Weapons, fearsome magic potions that could KILL US ALL.” He yelled that last part real loud, and even repeated “They could Kill Us. All.”

So the Horde turned over every kitchen pot and fruit basket (some of them stole the food, but only bad apples) and they couldn't find the Chimerical Weapons either. A rumor started that it wasn't even The Reason. The dukes 'n earls went to the king and said,
“Couldn't find them. The closest thing we found was downwind from a hog farm, weapons of ass production, you could say.”
The king wore his armored codpiece and roared,
“No, no, the Reason we went there was not to find Chimerical Weapons, it was to Free the Wimmens. See, they have all these wimmens there that are slaves, slaves I tells ya, and now that our Horde is there giving orders nobody will boss those poor little wimmens around.”

So the dukes 'n earls went and found all the wimmens, in alleys giving blow jobs for food because their farms were all trampled and living in cardboard boxes after the Hordes burned down their house. They went to the king and said, “The wimmens are worse off than they were before. You said they were the Reason.”

The king said “Well, that's not the Reason. The Reason was to free them from their evil king, a bad guy that took their homes and stole their food and forced them to give blow jobs in back alleys. Then we came with donkey loads of Freedom, and crocks of Independence, Hooray!”

The dukes and earls looked at their feet and kind of muttered,
“Now they got Freedom all right, they got no rules at all. Acronym trees grow all over, they just go pick an RPG, an AK47, or an IED and they go murder each other. It's a war, and they're not civil to our Horde either.”
“We have to Stay with the Coors” cried the king, trying to look kingly. “That's the Reason our Horde is still there.”
“WTF?” said the dukes and earls, “The Coors is all gone. What was that Reason again?”
“Wait,” king whimpered, “I never said Stay for the Coors, the Reason was we something else mumble mutter...”
This story doesn't have an ending like most fairy tales, it just goes on forever, or if it ever ends, it's not a happy ending.

If it had a happy ending it'd go like this. Somewhere in the story the dukes 'n earls would grow backbones, and they'd tell the king,
“Nooklar my arse, that's stoopid. When we showed you the Nooklar wasn't the Reason, you changed your story and said it was Chemerical. We showed you the Reason wasn't Chimerical, and you said the Reason was wimmens. Just piss off, you can't show us any Reason. Your fucking Reason doesn't exist.”

It's just like God.

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