Radio Activity

Shit. A whole week without a post, that's a record. Radiation treatment are putting me in zombieland, where patterns on the ceiling are real fascinating. Reading the koran is hard enough in the first place, so cut me some slack, mmmkay? Chapter 12 is coming, I promise.

Want some good advice? Don't go near anything radioactive.

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Religion is Terrorism

Terrorism: the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion

..........

Coercion: the act, process, or power of coercing

Coerce: to compel to an act or choice

Terror: a state of intense fear

→

TERRORISM:THE SYSTEMATIC USE OF A STATE OF INTENSE FEAR ESPECIALLY AS A MEANS TO COMPEL AN ACT OR CHOICE.

..........

2:150 ...fear Me that I may accomplish My favours on you,

3:50 ... So fear God, and obey me.

13:21 ...Hold their lord in awe, and fear the terrible reckoning

4:9 ...Let them fear God.

5:44 ...Therefore fear not men, but fear me.

7:154 ...Mercy for such as fear their Lord

The word fear is in the Koran 2089 times (the bible's no better). Pretty systematic. There's no question that the fear of hell is used as a means to compel choices. It's pretty clear,

Religion = Terrorism

Allah is not All powerfull

I know, I know, Mohammed keeps insisting his big old lonesome god is the awesome-est, but look what it says right here.

11:118. But if your Lord had pleased He could have made all human beings into one community of belief. But they would still have differed from one another,
11:119. Except those on whom your Lord had mercy for which He has created them. But fulfilled shall be the word of your Lord. "I will fill up Hell with jinns and men."

He says he could make people all one group, but then says he couldn't—they'd still differ. So he lied, right? He really CAN”T make them all one community. The ones he didn't show mercy to would still differ from one another.
Well hey, god, here's an idea, why not just show mercy to all of them? Nobody'll differ, they'll be all one community, and you won't look like a bozo. Turns out god can't do that either, because he made a promise to fill up hell, and that's more important. Who'd he make this promise to? Maybe that guy up in v2 that he's bringing a message from?

Mo is clearly losing it. Don't believe me? Look how chapter 11 ends:

(demented aphasic ranting in italics, abuse apologism in bold. click in sidebar for acronyms)

100 See?
101 wasn't my fault, they made me do it
102-6 I do it to everybody
107-8 WIFL
109 noncultists, GWFYU
110 I made people disagree about the bible.
111 IKE
112-3 don't sin or GWFYU
114 good deeds nullify bad ones
115 I reward cultists
116-7 NAM. they made me kill them all
118 god can't do everything,
119 gotta fill up hell
120-2 all those horror stories are to make you behave
123 IKE

It looks like all those years of not making converts has put Mo right round the bend. Sad, really. We have medicine for things like this nowadays.

Allah is Watching You Masturbate

More Sura 11

11:5. Look, how they double up their breasts in order to hide from Him. But when they cover themselves up with their garments, He knows what they hide and what they expose. Indeed, He knows the secrets of the hearts.

What? They double... what the heck? Well, in the hadith
“It is related that Muhammad ibn 'Abbad ibn Ja'far reported that he heard Ibn 'Abbas recite,

"See how they enfold their breasts..." (11:5) He said, "I asked him about it and he said, 'Some people used to be embarassed to go to the lavatory and exposed themselves to the sky, and to have intercourse when they were exposed to the sky, and it was sent down about them." (Bukhari 68:4404)

Oh. It means their clothes, like double-breasted suits, lol. Some people were afraid to undress because god might see them. They took the joke seriously that ceiling cat is watching them masturbate, only in this case it's Allah, cause the koran keeps harping on the “knows all, sees all” bit. What a bunch of yokels. Let's see what else it says.

“It is related that Ibn 'Abbas recited, "See how they enfold their breasts trying to conceal their feelings from Him! No, indeed! When they wrap their garments round themselves." (11:5) Another said that Ibn 'Abbas said that "wrap themselves" is to cover their heads.”(4406)

Oh, great, now he says it's their feelings they're trying to hide. Hide feelings or hide from ceiling allah, which is it? Then he says it's about covering their heads! They cover their heads when they shit? That's pretty funny, but it wouldn't hide them OR their feelings. They either hide their feelings or themselves from god, either by covering themselves or covering their heads, neither either of which makes much sense. This is all from this Ibn 'Abbas guy, and he can't keep his story straight, so who knows what it means.

That's the koran for ya. Word of god, man, perfect and free of doubt. Every time, it says something that doesn't make sense, and when you dig into it you end up with a whole bunch of conflicting explanations that make even less sense. Then anybody can weigh in on it. Here's my interpretation:

It's a prophecy!
Behold, God is warning people not to 'double up their breasts', like these.

He knew this was going to happen, see, and he's warning us that it's a really really bad idea.

Sura 11 Reruns

Sura 11 is a really shit chapter. It starts out bad and degenerates.

V2 “... I bring to you from Him a message”

LOL! This is supposed to be god talking, right? If I is god, who is Him, and how'd he get god for an errand boy? Here we go again; you could spend forever trying to figure this out. Or you could just eat light bulbs. Sigh. Then I read on and I thought was rereading the last chapter. He repeats his silly question

18. Who is more wicked than he who invents lies about God?

You'd think somebody would've answered him by now. “Everybody, dude. Your mom!” He throws out the Sura Challenge again,

13. Do they say (of the Prophet): "He has forged (the Qur'an)?" Say: "Then bring ten Surahs like it ..."

Maybe somebody took him up on this one. He's upped the ante--now you've gotta give him ten whole chapters. Just no pleasing this guy. He mentions the super cuss word again, still with no explanation why god is such a troublemaker:

110. Verily We gave to Moses the Book, but there was disagreement about it. Had the decree of your Lord (delaying it) not been issued the matter would have been settled between them.

Still sounds like god should just put a sock in it and we'd all be a lot better off. He repeats his stock Abuse Excuse® from 10:44,

101. We did not wrong them; they wronged themselves.

Oh right, pilgrim, after listing how he's wiped out the entire planet. Not his fault, they made him do it. “Those fuckers, inventing lies about me so I have to kill them all the time. Damn, it's hard work being the Beneficent, the Merciful.” He throws out this old whine again too,

29. I do not demand for it any wealth from you, O my people. My reward is with God.

Remember it when we get to chapter 8 and he wants 20% of everything.

(8:41) And know that whatever thing you gain, a fifth of it is for Allah...

Y'can't be too greedy when you're just a poor little street preacher with no army. Just you wait, though, Mo dreams big. Most of the chapter is retelling the horror stories, how god killed the people of Noah, Ad, Thamud, Moses, Midian. This line in the Noah fable cracked me up:

27. The leaders of the people who were unbelievers, replied: "We see that you are but a man like us, and see that none among us follows you but the meanest and immature of judgement, and do not see any excellence in you above us. In fact, we think you are a liar."

Y'gotta hand it to those unbelievers, they're a pretty perceptive bunch. Here's the punch line though. In the original bible story Noah didn't say jack to the people, and his only followers were his family. Sounds like Mo is projecting: the Meccans said this shit about him, and it sounds right. When you wanna recruit members for some neo-Nazis wacko cult, you always wanna go down in the trailer parks across the track and look for the meanest, most immature losers down there. That's where you find your followers.

Hate Speech?

The British won't let Dutch MP Geert Wilder into their country. They say his mini-movie, Fitna, is hate speech. The Dutch courts are prosecuting him for saying things that “harm the religious esteem of the Islamic worshippers,” and they consider “criminal prosecution obvious for the insult of Islamic worshippers because of the comparisons made by Wilders of the islam with the nazism.” OMFg!!!! He compared the Koran to Mein Kampf. Here's what he said:

The core of the problem is fascistic Islam, the sick ideology of Allah and Mohammed as it is set out in the Islamic Mein Kampf: the Koran. The texts in the Koran leave little to the imagination. In various Sura's Muslims are called upon to oppress, persecute, or kill Jews, Christians and others, believers and non –believers and to beat women and to rape and to use violence to implement a worldwide Islamist state. Numerous other Sura's are used by Muslims to incite to death and destruction.

Uh ... OK. See this?This is shit. It stinks. Not calling it shit won't make it stop stinking. Everything he says is true, and call it Aromatic Pre-compost Garden Enhancer, it'll still stink. The first step to doing something about it is to call it what it is. Is the truth hate speech? No. That's why Fitna is not hate speech, and neither is Wilder's comparison. It's hate speech if it advocates violence. It's that simple. For examples:

Koran?

“slay the idolaters wherever you find them, and take them, and confine them, and lie in wait for them at every place of ambush.” (9:5) Hate speech

Bible?

“And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death,” (Leviticus 24:16) Hate speech

This blog?

Not hate speech.

I don't advocate violence, period. No matter how stupid I think you are. A commenter accused me of hating muslims, but I don't even do that. It's hard not to hate the extremists, but hating is easy. I try to channel it into something more constructive. Like ridicule. I don't think you should be killed, beat up, or even given a wedgie. I'm more a point and laugh sort.
If you say there's a god--you're just being silly.
If you say god wrote some book--you're seriously deluded.
If you say a book is god's literal word--you're a barking moron. If you don't want to be called a moron, don't keep saying moronic things.

Simple.

Valentine's Day

Cupid's on his way, and right on cue Muslims are complaining about Valentines Day again, blah blah blah.... Every year they have riots, trash stores, burn valentine's cards, and other insanity.

Here's an Egyptian cleric warning that the big V is more dangerous than AIDs, will wipe out half of Europe, and Mohammed will be sad if Mary and Fatima wear the same clothes. Or something.		This year the Hindus are getting in on the act, with an ugly group of fanatics in India trying to outdo the Taliban, and as usual, picking on women.

Well I say fuck all this religious stuff ...

Muslim Holiday

Christian Holiday

Secular Holiday





Happy Valentine's Day!

Sura Ten Drive-by

There's nothing particularly interesting in chapter 10 and it's tempting to just say, “there's nothing interesting in this chapter.” LOL, I could repeat that 114 times and be done with the whole Koran! But I can't--the nuns in grade school always gave me low marks in 'perseverance,' and if I take the easy way out now, they will have been right. So here I am slodging through this thing, halfway done and still going. Damn you Sister Dominatrix, damn you!

Here we go, drive-by comments:

7. As for those who do not hope to meet Us (after death), and are content with the life of this world, who are oblivious of Our signs,
8. Will have Hell as their abode ...

Being content with life is a flaw? Me and Hobbes beg to differ.

27. But those who earn evil shall be punished to an equal degree as their evil, and they will be covered with shame, and will have none to protect them against God: Their faces shall be blackened as though with patches of the night. They are the people of Hell, where they will abide for ever,

People say this is not like the Bible's 'Mark of Caine', where people with dark skin are cursed. At least, that's not how Mo meant it, but that hasn't stopped his followers from reading it that way. I give you the African slave trade, all the way up to Darfur today....

Verse 38 is the famous Sura Challenge, that we've seen before. Nobody but god hisself could make a sura like this, sez he. NOT!

Verse 41 is a nice change, and it sticks out like a sore thumb. It sounds like Jesus snuck in a verse from the sermon on the mount,

41. If they (still) call you a liar, tell them: "For me my actions, for you yours. You are not answerable for my deeds, nor I for what you do."

Allllriiightt!! Hallelujah! Amen, brother!

Now if you shitcanned the other 108 verses, this whole chapter'd be good. Like this one—shitcan this verse, please!

44. Surely God does not wrong anyone; they wrong themselves.

Mohammed showing his abusive personality again. “Stop making me hurt you, you stupid bitch! If you just had dinner on the table when I get home...” Yeah right, Mo, it's always the victims fault. Eat shit.

Here's God settling the Palestinian Question again, giving Israel to the Jews, and look what they go and do:

93. We gave the people of Israel a settled abode, and bestowed good things on them to eat and use. So they did not differ until they came to have knowledge.

God's cranky here; "Those uppity Jews, going and getting all edumacated. Why ain't they never content just kissing my ass, why they always gotta go larn stuff? Been a problem ever since that damn Tree in the Garden."

Here's an interesting tidbit. The US has a University for every 61,000 people, the entire muslim world has one per 3 million. Of course, some of ours are useless Christian ones like Bob Jone's, or Regent's.

Religion + Knowledge = 0

Finally, to end this Sura on an appropriately surreal note, we have verse 104.

104 “I worship God who makes you die”

WTF???

Jonah, Sura 10

Surah 10 has one passing reference to Jonah, so they named it Jonah. Then about this Mohammed guy

verse 2: “the unbelievers say: "He is a clear sorcerer."

He can quit worrying if he's insane or not, because they had a meeting. Here's the whole thing, from the hadith:

Abu Jahl and other leaders in the persecution of the Holy Prophet assembled together to ponder what name to give to the Prophet. Somebody suggested that he was a poet, but Walid said that his word was not like that of a poet. Another suggested that he was a soothsayer, but Walid rejected this, too, on the ground that Muhammad never spoke a lie, whereas the soothsayers often proved liars. A third suggestion was that he was a madman, but this too was found inconsistent with the circumstances of the Holy Prophet’s life. Then Walid left the company, his comrades thinking that he was going over to Islam. Abu Jahl followed him to question him about the matter, and was told that, after pondering deeply on the question, he had come to the conclusion that the Prophet was a sahir, i.e., an enchanter, because, he said, “It is the enchanter who separates the father from the son, the brother from the brother, and the husband from the wife”. Thereupon a proclamation was made in the streets of Makkah that the Prophet was a sahir.

Sorcerer, enchanter, whatever. Notice they said he's not a poet? bwaaa haa haa. Whatever he is, he sure asks some silly questions. Like this one;

17. Who is more unjust than he who imputes lies to God or denies His revelations?

.... uhh, people who cheat at Scrabble? Murderers, child abusers, all sorts of people. Really, on the list of unjustitudes, anything you say about imaginary critters is pretty close to the bottom. Why even ask? Speaking of unjust, this line really stopped me in my tracks.

19. Men were once a community of one faith; but they differed (and followed different ways). Had it not been for the word proclaimed by your Lord before, their differences would have been resolved.

My guess is he follows the bible version of history--all Noah's d00ds would be all one faith, they all got along together, and then god had to go open his big mouth. The Crusades, the wars in the Mideast, the various Holocausts, all because god had to go and say that one word. I wonder what it was, too, cuz it makes George Carlin's seven words look really tame! I got my mouth washed out once for saying “Geez” (Mom claimed it was short for “Jesus.”) but I didn't start a war or nothing. Seems like somebody ought to take some soap to god's mouth, if you ask me.

Turns out there's another way to interpret this. All babies are born muslim, whatever that means, so any Hindu, Zoroastrian, Taoist or whatever has to be a convert. That makes them apostates, so they have to be killed, which makes for an awful lot of work for the few muslims that are left. What moron would say that? Well,

The Prophet Muhammad said, "No babe is born but upon Fitra (as a Muslim). It is his parents who make him a Jew or a Christian or a Polytheist." (Sahih Muslim, Book 033, Number 6426)

Put that together with ...

Allah's Apostle (said), 'Whoever changed his Islamic religion, then kill him.' (Bukhari 9:84:57)

... and you get life under Muslims in the 12^th century Spain;

… the [Muslim] custodians are able to dispose of our young children and their belongings as they see fit. If they were given to an individual who feared Allah, then he would endeavor to educate the children in his religion, for one of their principles is that all children are originally born as Muslims and only their parents bring them up as Jews, Christians, or Magians. Thus, if this individual educates them in [what they state is] their original religion [i.e., Islam] and does not leave the children with those [i.e., the Jews] that will abduct them therefrom, he will obtain a considerable reward from Allah…

This is not hard to believe, since the Christians did exactly the same to Native Americans until right up into the 20^th century. If you want blood and gore, the links tell how both groups did their share of the killing part too. Gawd that's some depressing shit. Makes you wanna stand up and shout it:

Religion, Huh, Yeah. What is it good for? Absolutely Nuthin!

Meet Beethoven

( non-koran post)

A new neighbor has taken up residence in the neighborhood, of my left kidney, a big old tumour by the name of Beethoven. Calling him a tumour is no insult, because that's exactly what he is in the arcane jargon of the oncologists. Calling him Beethoven is because to the cats who scanned me he looked exactly like a St. Bernard puppy. He is a healthy and robust one-year-old, and beginning to get into trouble pestering my lumbar vertebrae, which I find quite unmannerly.

It's gotten a bit troublesome to move around, and I've been convinced to introduce Beethoven to doctors. They have all been quite intolerant of my tumor-American buddy, and so far have done CAT scans, MRI, ultrasound, a biopsy (that drilled a hole right through the puppy's head--O Noes!), spent possibly a million dollars, and can tell with with all the backing of the world's most advanced medical science that ....(drumroll).... I have a big lump in my back.


---update, later---
Beethoven is highly insulted: the doctors called him a 'retroperitoneal sarcoma'. Can you imagine the nerve! They could have dispensed with the slanderous portrayals and simply said he was made of muscle tissue. He is a strapping softball-size, and is minding his own business, staying aloof from all the other organs, not even involving himself with those busybody lymph nodes. A well-behaved tumor, he is, but even so the surrounding muscles are irritated with him, and there is considerable tension within their ranks.

The doctors want to shoot him. Only with X-rays though, to motivate him to reduce, and later want to perhaps slice me open and take him out, possibly for dinner and a movie although they didn't say. Their latest evil scheme involves what they innocuously call a 'radiological simulation'. One can't help but be suspicious. Should I escape their clutches on that occasion, I'm to talk again with the head doctor, whose bedside manner implies he waterboards part time for the CIA, and decide what shall be done. Rumour has it that every day for a month they will bedevil Beethoven with their ray guns, after which he should show results from his weight-loss plan and I should glow nicely in the dark. Interesting times ahead.

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Islamic Bus Slogan

from the Bus Slogan Generator.

Mohammed Haggard

Just looked over some of these posts and they're disgusting.

They remind me of an interview I saw of Ted Haggard back when he was still reputable, and it was seriously creepy. The discussion was about his church, and he worked in references to masturbating and how often he and his wife had sex. You couldn't help thinking, “Man this guy's like some kind of pervert!” And guess what? LOL!

Now I read the koran and here is some other guy claiming to be a messenger of God. When he talks about heaven it's full of slave girls waiting on him, and when he talks about hell it's full of women being tortured, and he describes them them being hung by their breasts. Who talks like that? The Marquis de Sade did, but we locked him up in an insane asylum where he belonged.

Just sayin'

Mohammed's Night journey

Here we are reading the koran in order, at Sura 17 we're nearly halfway through it and we come to the famous story of Mo's Night Journey (this is more of verse 1). Why is this story not in the koran, when it's so famous and important?

Lemme see if I've got this straight. The angel Gabriel appeared and talked to Mo. It goes in the Koran if Mo said Gabriel said God said it. It goes in the Hadith if somebody else said Mo said Gabriel said God said it. So in this story, Mo said God said it—the only time god ever spoke directly to him, and HE LEFT IT OUT OF THE KORAN! Sure, that makes sense.

Yeah, Ok, so moving right along, Mo goes up to heaven, to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter asks him .... Oops, wrong myth. But yeah, he goes to heaven and somebody asked: Who's there? Who's he bringing in? Does he have an appointment? Then, once god's security team has checked them out, they let him into heaven's first floor. On each floor he meets a different person from the bible—Adam, Joseph, Moses—who gives him props. At the top it's “7^th floor, Abraham, Lotus tree, God.”

At least, that's one version. This story is from al-Iman, 75:1:309. But in 313 he says “He (the Holy Prophet) mentioned that he found in the heavens Adam, Idris, Jesus, Moses and Abraham (may peace be on all of them), but he did not ascertain as to the nature of their abodes except that he had found Adam in the lowest heaven and Abraham in the sixth heaven.” So which is it? Did he ascertain them like he did in 309 or is 313 telling the truth? For that matter, I'd like the witness to revisit the opening scene and tell the court again just exactly where this purported “vision” is supposed to have occurred. Will the court stenographer please read back the witness's earlier statements?

313 : The roof of my house was cleft when I was in Mecca and Gabriel descended ...
312: Three beings (angels) came to him in the mosque of the Ka'bah, while he was sleeping in the sacred mosque ...
311: Gabriel came to the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) while he was playing with his playmates ....

D.A. “So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the witness has told us that this happened at Mo's house, it happened at the Mosque, and even that it happened when Mo was a little boy. May it please the court, I'd like to make a motion that the testimony of this witness is contradictory and unreliable and should be struck from the record.”

JUDGE: “Motion granted. Bailiff, please escort the witness to the door, toss him out on the sidewalk and throw rocks at him. Let the record show that Malik reported this, but also in al-Iman 1:312 “The rest of the hadith is narrated like that of Thabit. However, some portions have occurred before and some of them have occurred after; some have been added and some deleted.” Case dismissed.

Another part of the story has Mo bartering with god over how much to pray. God told him 50 times a day. He went back down to the sixth floor and Moses told him that was too much. Instead of of insisting that this is the IMMUTABLE WORD OF GOD and not to be questioned, he took the escalator? elevator? Back up and bitched about it. God knocked off five prayers. Mo goes back to Moses. Not good enough. Sends him back. This goes on till they get down to five prayers a day, at which point Mo gets tired of the whole thing and gives up. So that's why muzzies have to pray five times a day.

Everybody seems to have their own version of all this. They all agree that Hell is on the first floor of heaven. Ishaq goes into a lot of detail describing it. Apparently this story was the inspiration for Dante's Inferno, with women hanging by their breasts and stuff like in the picture above. I guess before the internet, you had to get your snuff porn wherever you could find it.

Koran Ten Commandments

I found something good in the Koran! It's like finding water in the desert, or one last beer in the back of the fridge. As soon as Sura 17 gets the Jews settled on their real estate, it starts rattling off a list of do and don'ts, almost like Mo was repeating the ten commandments. It starts out with the same old tired “don't worship anybody but me me me” crap, but mentioning that's in the koran is like saying there's air, so I left that one off and I shortened up the others so they''re more readable.

23 be good to your parents
26 don't be a spendthrift
29 don't be a tightwad
31 take care of your children
32 don't adulter
33 don't murder
34 don't steal from orphans
35 don't cheat
36 don't be ignorant.
37 don't be insolent

That's ten. It's not a bad list. Not great, but for Mo, it's Wow, a moment of clarity! Then it's almost like he's embarassed himself by being civilized, because the rest of chapter 17 is a mass of contradictions and wierdness.
Verse 40 is another slam at Uzza, (that's me! prick!) and 42 is just stupid:

40. Has God chosen to give you sons, and taken for Himself daughters from among the angels? You utter grievous things indeed!
42. Say: "Had there been other gods with Him, as they assert, they would surely have sought a way (of opposition) against the Lord of the Throne."

If they exist at all, y'unnerstand, they'll fight. It looks like Mohammed just had no idea that people could coexist without trying to kill each other--he sure couldn't. Here's more logic and justice;

45. When you recite the Qur'an, We place a hidden veil between you and those who do not believe in the Hereafter;
46. And We put covers over their hearts and deafness in their ears that they should not understand it.

There he goes again. The book that he sent down to tell people how to behave, he purposely prevents them from understanding it so he can send them to hell. What a guy!

Then comes some more whining about how nobody believes Mo, and it says this:

53 Tell My creatures only to speak words that are good. ROFL!

Word, dude! Tell them that!

Verse 55 says “We exalted some of the prophets over the others;” which is odd, because in 2:285 he said “We make no distinction between the apostles,” so that clears that up. Well yeah it does, in a Quranic sorta way. It's Islamic Logic! If you haven't lost hope by this point, here's the clincher:

58. There is not a habitation We shall not destroy before the Day of Resurrection, or not inflict severe punishment upon it. This is in accordance with the law (of God).

Got that? EVERYbody will be punished. Not just the bad people, EVERYBODY. So there's no use being good, god is going to fuck you up no matter what. How's that for motivation? Might as well go smoke some crack, eh? Then he talks about Thamud and Iblis again, NAM, and says some weird shit about prayer. First, tells you to pray five times a day ... I guess ...

78. Observe the service of prayer from the sun's declining from the meridian to the darkening of the night, and the recitation at dawn. Indeed the Recitation at dawn is palpably evident.
79. Say a supererogatory prayer at the hour of the first watch: Your Lord may raise you to a most exalted station.

Did you get five times out of that? I can't, but what the hell. Next he tells you what to say when you pray

80. And pray: "O my Lord, let my entry be with honour, and let my exit be with honour, and grant me power from You which would help (sustain) me."
81. And say: "Truth has come and falsehood nullified."

From what I've heard, that's not what Moslems say when they pray, but I gotta admit I ain't no expert on prayin'. The rest of the sura is just more NAM and WIFL, Moses, Jews get Israel, slams the Christians again. Nothing new in there. But hey, that ten commandments part was not too shabby. I liked it.

Here's a Thought.

A lot of people seem to look at this blog, but you'd never know it. Here's an idea--leave a fucken comment, why doncha, so I won't feel like I'm just masturbating. I'll even give some suggestions to help you get started.

1. Your blog sucks! You can't write and your jokes are stupid. Throw your computer away, you suck.
2. BURN IN HELL INFIDEL SCUM!
3. Best blog ever!!
4. Your lucid prose and penetrating analysis has given me revelatory new insights into the holy book of Islam.
5. You're boring.
6. How come you never talk about the Steelers?
7. I'll pray for you.
8. More naked Boobs!!

Even the old standby “Fuck You!” would be nice. It ain't like it's gonna kill ya or nothin'.

O Why Jerusalem

Mohammedans have been fighting over Jerusalem all my life, since it's “the third holiest site in Islam”. Now I find out that “Islam is the Quran”, and the Quran doesn't even mention Jerusalem. So I gotta ask, why such a hard-on for the place?

Believe it or not, it's entirely because in 17:1 the Koran mentions a “farthest mosque” whose surroundings are blessed. I was like “Whoa, islam hadn't even been invented yet, so there couldn't be any mosques,” but I was wrong wrong wrong. “Mosque” is an old word, and in Mo's day it just meant 'a place of worship”, didn't matter who worshiped what. So the farthest mosque from Mo would've been Temitagi Atoll in French Polynesia. It's environs are pretty blessed (STREAMS AND FRUIT! WOO!) , but it's not likely Allah would bless a lot of naked pagan polytheists, lol.

When Mo had this so-called revelation, he was a two-bit preacher in Mecca with a very small flock, like Billy Bob's 5^th Street Church of the Lard. It was Mighty Mo's Muslim Mecca Mission. And just like Rev. Billy Bob, he dreamed of bigger things, and just like every cult he inflated his membership numbers: “We're not just those you see here today. No sir, we have thousands of other members at our other site, the far-off Mo's Mighty Moslem Megachurch. “ And where would that be? Well, a group of his cult members ran off to Ethiopia during the Satanic Verses fiasco, so my bet would be there, but do muslims follow what's logical? Not on your life! (Oops, bad word choice!) Oh hell, no. They claim it must be Jerusalem.

Say What? The Jews' holy city? WTF? Where'd this come from? Well, there is one little piece of evidence they point to: when Mo moved to Medina he changed the direction of praying—towards Jerusalem instead of Mecca—for a while. The Hadith tell all about it, and even tell why—he wanted to suck up to the Jews, and when they wouldn't listen to him, he said “fuck them Jews” and changed it back. ('Course, he got even later by having them all massacred.)

So from this, the “furthest mosque must be Jerusalem"? Sorry, EPIC FAIL! Are you ready for a huge heaping plateful of irony? Here is what the Koran says about the Jews IN THE VERY SAME CHAPTER. Verse 4-7 say the book tells Jews god'll wreck their temple, twice. If you''re a glutton for punishment you can read in the Bible all about how the Babylonians sacked Jerusalem, and then the Romans. That's twice. That's all you get, Muslims, so lay off. Besides, y'know what else is in the Koran? 17:104 We told the children of Israel: "Dwell in the land...5:21, God has Moses tell the Jews “enter the holy land which Allah has prescribed for you. And in 30:1 30:3 [thanks to Mathurine for correcting this] it calls Palestine adna al-ard "the closest land", not the farthest.

So listen up, moslems, this is your own god talking, and he's telling you a big fat “Keep yer kumquat-picking hands off Jerusalem; it goes to the Jews. You get Mecca; suck it up.”

So back to square one. Why do moslems have a hard-on for the jews' sacred city? Turns out its all a con job. Just like George Bush convinced everybody that Saddam and Osama were BFF whose camels were loaded with anthraxy ICBM's aimed at every Burger King in America and the only way to save the world was to OMFG INVADE BAGHDAD RIGHT NOW!!!, Saladin wanted to kick the Crusaders out so he convinced the sheeple that Jerusalem was the holiest-est holy place evah, with filthy infidel feet defiling it, and the only way to save the world was to OMFG GET JERUSALEM BACK RIGHT NOW!!! And that's how it became all holy and shit, it's just politics. You can get all the details here.

ps. It wasn't easy sorting all this stuff out. You may worship me.

Update: OK, so where is this 'farthest mosque'? I forgot to say, but KICS laid it out real clear in this post, comment #3.

I'm a Prophet!

Way back in December I was prophesying that Israel's attack on Gaza would be counterproductive. Well, I hate to say "I told you so", but did Israel accomplish any of its goals?

• Stop the rocket fire into Israel? No, Hamas is still firing rockets: bigger ones

• Reduce Israeli casualties? No. Israelis killed during entire ceasefire period = 1. Number killed during Operation Cast Lead = 14.

• Destroy, or even weaken Hamas? No, they're not only still there, they're claiming victory.

• Gain advantage in the upcoming elections? No, polls show the numbers have not changed.

• Stop smuggling? No. They need the Americans and Egyptians to help.

• Gain face after their humiliation by Hezbollah? No. They've turned world opinion against them, even damaged international relations.

• Reduced Hamas's ability to attack them? No. They still have box cutters, that Al Queda used to attack the US sucessfully.

• Weakened the Palestinians will to resist? Of course not.

Consider: The US casualty rate on 9/11 was one thousandth of one percent. The Palestinians would have suffered that loss rate if the IDF killed 15 people. Instead, they killed over a thousand; a casualty rate seventy times higher. If Al Queda had been as successful as the IDF and 210,000 Americans had died, would the survivors have surrendered?
Al Queda destroyed a couple of office buildings; the IDF Destroyed over 4000 homes and other buildings, leaving over 50,000 people homeless.
Remember, when the Warsaw Ghetto was reduced to a field of rubble and all inhabitants killed, snipers still came out of the sewers to kill Nazi troops for weeks afterward.

Israel and George Bush share the tough guy fantasy of the school bully. When faced with a problem, fight, and the more you hurt the bad guy, the more you win. It didn't work for Bush and it won't work for Israel. It's immature, childish and stupid. I think it's safe to say that when you make your enemy stronger and kill more of your own people than the enemy, you've failed.

So, my prophecy came true: Do I get streams and fruit?

Hobbes Kicks Mo's Ass!

Over at Lolkoran, we ran this poll to see what other books people might want to use as a "guide for living". Here's how it turned out:

C&H was my suggestion, because whenever there's talk about the "Meaning of Life" I think of this one cartoon [revelation?]. I can't find it on the web, but here is more or less how it went:

Calvin: I don't get it. If we're just going to die anyway, what's the point of living?

(He and Hobbes ponder this for a frame or two, as autumn leaves fall around them)

Hobbes: Well, there's tuna fish.

WOOT! How profound is that? Buddha would be dead of the jealous. 'Course, old poopy-pants Mohammed wants you to ignore tuna fish, and not "let the world beguile you". I bet he never had a fuzzy bear when he was little.

Go, Hobbes! Live for the pizza, the sunsets, the chocolate dipped ice cream cones, spider webs in the morning dew!
And tuna fish.

The Edge of Seventeen

17:1. Glory to him who took His votary to a wide and open land from the Sacred Mosque (at Makkah) to the distant Mosque whose precincts We have blessed, that We may show him some of Our signs.

At first I was bored with this. Obvious reference to Mo's move to Medina. But wait! This is revealed in the Mecca period—he hadn't moved yet! Oh. Then it must mean heaven, god showed him heaven. Ho hum. So I looked it up. Hilarity! Whooo-hoo!

This line makes sense because it refers to a story in the hadith because otherwise it wouldn't make any sense. See? This is a famous story that everyone should just know about, it seems, Muhammed's Night Journey. It's not in the koran though, because, uhh, oh, well, you'll probly go to hell or something for asking. The translations don't seem to have much in common with each other, so I'll put it in my own reverential words:

Mohammed sez Gabriel came and woke him up, then somebody “cut my body open from” throat to groin, and “took out my heart “ WHAT?! WHAT?! Then “a golden tray full of Belief was brought to me and my heart was washed and was filled (with Belief) and then returned to its original place.” Then I burst out laughing so hard I fell off my chair and scared the cats. They washed his heart! With Belief! Even the cats were holding their sides and laughing.

They brought him a Buraq, a mythical beast I'd never heard of before, and “When I came up to mount him, he shied.” Can't blame him—he prolly thought Mo was up to some of those erotic camel games. Gabriel calmed him down by telling him Mo was BFF with Allah, and “The animal was so ashamed that he broke out into a sweat and stood still” Ick! Since when do you sweat when you're ashamed? Maybe it's different with Buraqs, who knows?

There are more problems with this story than with nailing Jello to the ceiling. The Buraq flew Mo to “the distant mosque,” which was a good trick since Mo hadn't started his cult yet so there weren't any mosques, let alone a “farthest” one in Jerusalem. The Arabic says al-aqsa “the farthest”, but they translate that as “Jerusalem”. Why? Who knows? It's Islam!

Even though there was no mosque there, he tied his Buraq to the al-aqsa wall that hadn't been built yet, [Guffaw! Howl! Snort. Laugh break.] Later on Umar built a Mosque in Jerusalem and named it “al-Aqsa Mosque”, with a wall for Mo to tie to back in the past. You just can't make this stuff up. Or maybe just so they'd have a place to fight over, cuz they're still at it. Mo flattered god there some, and that's the Isra, the first part of the story, that this chapter is named after even though it doesn't say anything about it.

Next: Mo gets back on the Buraq and flies to heaven. ROFL! You'll laugh! You'll cry! You'll hurl!

Speaking of Poetry

Here's one from a REAL poet.

The Koran! well, come put me to the test–
Lovely old book in hideous error drest–
Believe me, I can quote the Koran too,
The unbeliever knows his Koran best.

And do you think that unto such as you,
A maggot-minded, starved, fanatic crew,
God gave the Secret, and denied it me?–
Well, well, what matters it! believe that too.

- Omar Khayyám

Talking Ants

That's a Hoopoe bird up there. The Koran says he can talk. Seriously. Sura 27 is titled The Ant, because Solomon talks to birds and ants. I shit you not, there are people who take this literally. There's also Moses, Thamud, and Lot again.

The rest is; Pay Pray 'n Believe, god is hot shit, yawn, the good will be saved, the bad will go to hell, yawn. Zzzzzz.... It's like someone was transcribing a CD and never realized it was set on repeat. Verse 66-74 has stupid debate tricks

67. Those who do not believe, say: "When we and our fathers have turned to dust, how shall we be raised again?

68. "Indeed we and our fathers had been promised this before. It is nothing but the earlier people's lore."

People told Mo “ We've heard this crap before and it's bullshit. When we die we turn to dust, so how are we gonna get brought back to life?” A pretty good question. Let's see what brilliant counter argument the God/Mohammed debate team comes back with to absolutely PWN their opponents. Remember, one of them is Omniscient, so they know the best possible answer --- This has got to be good --- Here it comes ---

69. Say: "Travel in the land and see how (bad) was the end of sinners."

AAAGHH! THAT'S IT?? They'll see a lot of people who died and turned to dust, which will definitely and positively prove them right and God wrong. What kind of rebuttal is that? Which side is God on here anyway? If that's the kind of arguments Mo came up with, it's easy to see how he could preach in Mecca for thirteen years and not make any converts. He couldn't convince a Chihuahua to hump your leg.

Sura 28, more of the same, 88 verses, nothing new. Verses 76-82 tell about Qarun or Korah, some guy who was really rich and everybody envied him, but he said he got that way by his own efforts, so god opened up the earth and swallowed him up, natch.

So these two chapters were duds. But wait till you see what happens next!

I Feel So Special

I have just learned that I have an "inoperable cancerous tumor". Not many people can say that about themselves! WOOT!

That is all.

(next) 

Mohammed the Red-nosed Prophet

This is something I wrote back around winter solstice:

Mohammed the red faced preacher
had an epileptic fit.
And if would have heard him,
he said some really stupid shit.

All of the camel drivers
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let Mohammed
play erotic camel games.

A caravan came by and caused
Mohammed to say:
"Muslims with your swords so bright,
let's kill all these guys tonight."

Then all the muslims told him
carryin' off their slaves and loots,
Mohammed the red faced pirate,
we will be your new recruits.

just thought I'd share.

Bad Poets Society

sura 26, verse 224: As for the poets, only those who go astray follow them.

Y'know what I think? I think the koran is just a lot of sour grapes. Y'know why?
1. By all accounts, poetry was a big deal in Arabia. They say people used to write poems and stick them up on the Kaaba for everybody to read, kind of an early day open mike. Early on, Mo hung out with poets like Zayd ibn Amr, but people weren't sure whether he was a poet or not. They even had a meeting to decide if he was a sorcerer or a poet or just a loony.

2. The koran is not really prose, it's written in kinda sorta poetic form that its admirers say is a unique form of literature unmatched anywhere else. We see a lot of that in English Composition—we call it BAD POETRY.

3. Mo was was a vengeful prick, and later on he had a lot of poets murdered, and he had god reveal lines like 26:224. They ran his ass out of Mecca, so he came back and nuked the place; the Jews didn't help him at the Ditch, so he massacred them; people made fun of his poetry, so he wrote the koran so he could say “It's not bad, it's inspired by god, you're just too dumb to understand it.”

And they're still at it. When they talk about these Meccan 'revelations' they always stress how Mo was oh so persecuted. Sure, the polytheists let him hang around their holy city dissing their gods for 13 years and trying to overthrow their religion (while the Christians everywhere else were torturing heretics like him to death) but hey, they called him names. They laughed at him. In his mind this so-called persecution was unbearable, and justified all his later pillaging and murder, and his followers today are still singing that same song. When they say Islam teaches to fight only those who attack them, by 'attack' they mean 'say mean things'. Like criticize Mo's crappy poems.