King of the Vatican Demands Tribute

A while back I was wondering how much old prosti-pope was going to stiff the Scots for his Potemkin visit, now we know. His bill to just Scotland = $1,278,807.97.   And that's for less than one day.  

Best comment? #86

If it costs this much to drive one old guy around Scotland, what's the Second Coming going to cost?

LOL!   Best anagram is from Help feed the troll

Hollaback goes International

If you doan know what Hollaback is, then U is banished to the doghouse, and no fluffy blankets for u!   It's only the most awesome-est thing to come along since the invention of the wheel. Well, cell phone anyway, and that's ossum enuf.

You can see from the map that there are only Hollaback chapters in 12 cities--there oughta be hundreds. No, thousands. No, there ought be none, because guys should act like human beings and none of this would be necessary, but I digress.

There's a new one, more or less, in a place you'd least expect---Egypt.  It's called Harrasmap,

"A planned website, Harrasmap, will allow women to quickly report instances of harassment via text message or Twitter, to be loaded onto a digital map of Cairo to show hotspots and areas that might be dangerous for women to walk alone.
The data will be shared with activists, media, and police."  

Since " 83 percent of Egyptian women and 98 percent of foreign women living in Cairo said they had been harassed in some way — and 62 percent of men admitted to harassing", this is definitely as step in the right direction. 

That link above might not work, evidently due to Egypt being a dickwad dictatorship, but you could paste in this URL and get the article.

http://arabnews.com/lifestyle/offbeat/article169982.ece

Try it, cuz it's worth reading, and pretty uplifting. The comments too, they're like a meeting between Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens.   Any way you look at it, this is a Good Thing.

Killing Jesus (matt,mark)

Jesus has me all confused.

Matt (15) and Mark (7) both have him ragging on the pharasees because they don't make people honor their parents like moses said to, but he din't honor his own parents, so wtf?

My bible is a good sport, it footnotes what he's talking about, which is good because otherwise I'd blow it off and be too lazy to go dig this up---Exodus 21:17

"Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.”

... that's pretty clear, we should kill our kids if they curse us ... and Ex 20:12/ Deut 5:16. Those are just "the commandments", y'know the ones that aren't the Ten but everybody says are.

He said not to abolish the old laws (Matt 5:17), so we gotta do this stuff, except for the Pharisees were wrong about washing before we pray, so we don't gotta do that, but we gotta kill our kids and all that other stuff.

But, wait, Jesus didn't honor his parents, he was pretty rude to them (Matt 12:46-50)—is he a hypocrite too like those nasty old Pharasees? Do we gotta kill him? Does it count as a curse that he told people they had to hate their parents?

"If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother...he cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:26)

Sounds pretty curse-like to me, so ... we gotta kill Jesus, right?

Well they did, so I guess it all worked out in the end.

Meanwhile, back in the 7th Century

You think the Seventh Century is ancient history, huh?  LULZ!!

It's still around, and you can read about it in the Saudi papers, like this 29-year-old woman spending 7 months in jail for disobeying her father. 

No, seriously.

Molest, don't Stomp

It's clear as hell in this video. The guy gets her down, reaches under her arm and grabs her breast.

By now everybody's heard how some scumbags beat up a woman at a Rand Paul debate, and now one of them is charged with assault (4th degree, pfft), but I haven't seen a single word anywhere about this.

So now we know the proper procedure to follow after attacking a woman and throwing her on the ground. Stomping on her is frowned upon, you should feel her up instead.
-----
Update:

It's been pointed out to me that he does it twice, first with his right hand and then his left in the picture above. It's harder to see but it's at 7 and 9 seconds into this video. TPM links a better one (look at 0:19 and 0:20).
By now I've read hundreds of comments and only two have mentioned this. Interesting, that.

the Bum's Rush for Yom Kippur

Srsly? Caffeine suppositories to avoid caffeine withdrawal?

Yep, according to this report, Jews in Brooklyn are rushing to load up.  They have to fast for the holiday, and can't drink coffee, so ...

Nope. Not serious. Not serious at all.

hat tip to Unreasonable Faith,

Bozo Column: Late and Ignorant

Damned if I know why but some rag called Newsbusters prints articles from a guy named Brent Bozo (I might've got the spelling wrong).

Apparently he's some kind of big important shot, Wikipedia says he has "the most comprehensive media monitoring operation in the world". Wow, all that, just to write about news that's two weeks old and still get his facts wrong.

He's on about the fanatic vandal that wrecked a museum exhibit in Colorado, the one I wrote about two weeks ago with the most decrepit blogging operation in my bedroom. Before we start, he's an asshole, for encouraging people to break the law:

“Kathleen Folden, bless her heart, entered the gallery, broke into the artwork with a crowbar and ripped it to pieces.”

Bless her heart? He thinks it's just SO CUTE to ruin several hundred bucks worth of other people's property, I bet if I threw a hammer through his computer screen we'd be BFF. Fail, Bozo, you don't bless the hearts of destructive criminals, you cuff the wrists of.

Worse than an asshole, Bozo's an ignorant asshole. He wrote this drivel:

“... you just know – that he would never defend as “the best art” the depiction of the prophet Mohammed or the Dalai Lama receiving oral sex.”

“He” here being a guy who defended the Loveland exhibit that INCLUDES A CARTOON OF MOHAMMED one panel over from the one Jesus-for-brains tore up. Talking around the foot in his mouth, Bozo blathered on …

“... make the image a Muhammad cartoon, and our media would blame and shame the artist for being needlessly provocative, and not the offended Muslim who would take action in response. Someone should ask Chagoya if he's heard of Molly Norris, who merely proposed (and quickly retracted) “Everybody Draw Muhammad Day,” and then had to vanish from public view (along with her art) and change her name on the recommendation of the FBI.”

No Bozo, the media would do exactly what it did do, since there's a Mohammed cartoon right there staring you in the face. Someone should ask Mr Bozo why he hasn't used the past two weeks of media frenzy to find out that not all muslims forbid images of Mo, that there are centuries-old traditions of Muslims drawing the old goat, with hundreds of examples scattered all over the innertubes (in obscure places like Wikipedia and Youtube) and they LOOK JUST LIKE the one in the Loveland exhibit.

Then they should ask why these idiots with fatwa envy are always so turd ignorant of the things they run their mouths off about.

Messianic Boogers (mark)

OK, I read the Gospel of Mark. Not sure why, though.

Remember writing essays in school and including every source you can scrape up? You only found two articles and one's just a summary of the other one, but you want it to look well-researched so you include them both? Yeah. Did I mention there's nothing in Mark that's not in Matthew?

(Well, there's one thing: Jesus was gay. The censors redacted part of it, but they missed the naked man running away from Jesus when they arrested him. It always seemed fishy Judas kissing him like that, know what I mean? My guess was they busted Judas for being an evil sodomite and he made a deal with the DA to let him go if he pointed out his partner in the Homosexual Agenda. Hey, it could be.)

The more references the better, I guess, and they could hardly include that gospel from OMG a woman, or the one with the women apostles, so we're stuck with this repetitious crap. You'd die of boredom unless you play 'spot the lulz' where the details don't match,

like,

to get a sick guy to Jesus, Matt just used the door, but Mark lowers him down through a hole in the roof. It's an early day helidrop.

There's no zombie invasion this time, dead people just stay dead. The apostles only get to preach and harass demons; no bringing stiffs back to life like they got to with Matt.

The woman Jesus discriminated against was a Canaanite, for Matt, but in Mark she's a Greek Syrian Phoenician. Srsly. Matt only hated one ethnic group, but Mark was more egalitarian,see.

Mark says his family thought Jesus was out of his mind. Matt left that out, but I'd say they could be onto something.

-----

One thing Mark keeps saying is that Jesus told everybody to keep things on the down low. He even told the evil spirits to keep mum about him. Irony hadn't been invented yet so his followers wrote it all down in a book, lol, and now it's on the internet, so I looked it up in Wikipedia and found out this is a Big Deal^(TM), it even has a name, it's the Messianic Secret.

Wiki gives explanations—from theology, and philology, but they left out the best one, the 

Explanation from Stupidity.

People are stupid, and cult followers raise that to the highest power (so to speak). When their leader does anything, anything at all, he could have a booger on his lip, they'll interpret it some way that makes him super awesome.

Our two year old has a cold, and yesterday he sneezed, and two rivers sprang forth on the banana he was biting into. If he was a cult leader you can bet those would become the Messianic Boogers, and revered as a sacred mystery.

 Anyway, that's Mark's gospel.

Bad News,

Bad news, the Sharia's coming,
Bad news, oh, the Sharia's coming
Bad news, the Sharia's coming,
I don't want it to kick my behind.

Long black robe we're having, I know
Long black robe we're having, I know
Long black robe we're having, I know
Yeah, I don't want it to kick my behind.

(repeat chorus)

Mosque at 9/11, I know
Mosque at 9/11, I know
Mosque at 9/11, I know
And I don't want it to kick my behind.

(repeat chorus)

Imams be beheading, I know
Imams be beheading, I know
Imams be beheading, I know
And I don't want to see a sword,
I don't want it to kick my behind.

-----

Except it isn't. To use a pithy phrase from the construction industry, there isn't a cunt hair's difference--not even a red cunt hair's difference [don't ask me, I don't make these things up]
--between sharia law and the Biblical law Jim Demint is lobbying for, and Christine O'Donnell, and Taliban Dan Webster.

 

If you're an idiot, you'll fall for the Ministry of Truth's line and focus on what the muslims doing it to women, and ignore the fact that the christians are doing the SAME GODDAM THING.

It's not mooslimes against christstains, and it's not sharia law against biblical law, it's religious extremism against common fucking human decency.

That is all.

Mark and Matthew

I remember teaching school around 100 A.D. (yes, I'm that old) when this kid Matthew turned in a rambling disjointed story about a preacher who ends up getting crucified. Aside from the downer ending, the problem was that another kid, I'll call him Mark, turned in the same story. He changed a few details, but he told the same events, in the same order, he even used the same exact words half the time.

Mark's was a lot shorter—it left out the Beatitudes, which was the best part of Matthew's. They look like somebody else wrote them, and I just figured his mom helped him with his homework. Humans always do shit like that. But blatant plagiarism a third grader could see?

They thought they could slip this past their Greek teacher? Think again, kiddies, especially when she's a cranky Middle Eastern Goddess. I never even bothered to find out who stole from whom, I just turned them both into frogs, and they were never heard from again.

Well, they sorta were. A few centuries later a bunch of idiots dug that old story up and wanted to include it in an anthology. I first heard about it from Loki at the weekly Bacchanalia. [I know you humans only have that once a year, but we're gods and we've had non-stop drunken orgies going at least since Hathshepsut showed us how to party. Yeah, Bacchus is Roman, but we don't discriminate: it's heaven after all, and girlfriend, that Loki, he's heavenly. Woot.]

So when Loki told me they were thinking of including both versions of that old story, I checked it out. Put on my best angel outfit and popped into their dreams, since that was fashionable back then.

I showed them how they were just rip-offs of each other;
I told them people would die of boredom reading that same story twice;
I showed them how it's just a rehash of the story of Horus, anyway;
I told them the details didn't match, so people'd fight over them and end up with 33,000 kinds of christians;
I showed them things they could use instead, something by Mary or Judas , or the Didascalia, or the Popul Vuh even. 

Didn't listen for shit. Now look what they've got: a book that repeats itself for 45 pages. Stupid humans.

Stormz

What do you do when the weather's bad, the wind comes up and it's pouring down rain?

You Go TO THE BEACH, Natch.

Squee! Nao!

Entirely too serious on this blog lately. Depressing. Must have squee! Rait nao!


Aye aye, coming right up.

clik for moar

LOL, u see whut I did there?


U doan think baby aye-aye is teh cute, u iz just weird.

Unmuslim Terrorists

Everybodys' all atwitter about how Brian Kilmeade over on Fox Newspeak drooled that all terrorists are Muslims. Well, they're not, and everyone with a cerebral cortex is making Unmuslim Terrorists Lists, like this this, and snarky comments like this:

“... and what was that religious group that wiped out the wagon train at Mountain Meadows? I forget”

which cracked me up because I used to live in Utah. It's weird though, the biggest and worst non-muslim terrorist group in the world hardly gets mentioned. So here's my entry in the Unmuslim Terrorist Contest. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present

The Lord's Resistance Army 

 

Their leader is a former alter boy who wants to set up a Christian theocracy based on the Biblical Ten Commandments. They have terrorized central Africa for more than 20 years; kidnapped tens of thousands of children, forcing them to fight as child soldiers and serve as sex slaves; murdered and mutilated hundreds of thousands of civilians, more than Al-Qaeda and the Taliban combined.

For all you morons out there saying “Oh Yeah, when was the last time you heard of christians” doing whatever?—it was last December.

The rebel Lord's Resistance Army (LRA) killed at least 321 civilians and abducted 250 others, including at least 80 children, during a previously unreported four-day rampage in the Makombo area of northeastern Democratic Republic of Congo in December 2009, Human Rights Watch said in a report released today.

LRA forces attacked at least 10 villages, capturing, killing, and abducting hundreds of civilians, including women and children. The vast majority of those killed were adult men, whom LRA combatants first tied up and then hacked to death with machetes or crushed their skulls with axes and heavy wooden sticks. The dead include at least 13 women and 23 children, the youngest a 3-year-old girl who was burned to death.

They're not the only Christian terrorist outfit, just the worst, but they aren't on the official US list of terror organizations, and hardly anyone seems to know they exist. They haven't killed rich pretty white girls. Compare:

In this country, when a child is missing, the police mount an investigation, forensic teams come in, Amber Alerts are issued, helplines set up, descriptions sent out over radio and TV, citizens are mobilized, the FBI, the National Guard, anything to catch the kidnapper and rescue the child.  

What if it was 30,000 children?

----------

Not all fuckwits are Brian Kilmeade,
but Brian Kilmeade is a fuckwit.   

Hindus are Sick Fucks

Tourism is Nepal's main industry. You think of trekking the mountains and meditating with monks, right?

Friday and Saturday Hindus tortured and killed 250,000 animals of all kinds to launch the festival of Dashain. I've got nothing really against animal sacrifice except for it being primitive and stupid. I've raised animals for food, and I'm not alone in being proud that anything I ever raised had a happy life and quick painless death I would want for myself. They wouldn't have minded if I mumbled superstitious incantations over them. Not this

They starve the animals for two or three days, then crowd them all together in a pen. Then they get really drunk, form a mob, and hack the animals to death with swords while the spectators cheer them on. The first few victims are lucky enough to be decapitated by the first swing, they're the ones laying on the ground in the picture. Most of the drunks are worn out here, they're taking a break, but not one of the animals survives.

The Hindu Goddess Durga is supposed to like this shit. And it gets worse:

“Contrary to what many believe, animals suffer tremendously before and during sacrifice. They are generally hurt during transportation, starved and dehydrated, and often purposely killed slowly and painfully, as it is believed that the goddess prefers slow deaths. In certain rituals animals are skinned alive, torn apart by human teeth or tortured to such an extent they die from stress and shock.” source

Chandan Dev Chaudhary, a Hindu priest, said he was pleased with the festival's high turnout and insisted tradition had to be kept. "The goddess needs blood," he said.

“Apart from known sacrifice through throat slitting and beheading other extreme forms of blood sacrifices include the tearing apart of a live goat by young men, burning of live snakes, live skinning of pigs, removal of hearts from live animals, etc.” source

Some pictures here and here, if you can stand to look at them. The Nepali government supports this, to the tune of contributing $43,000.00 to make this happen in 2009, and this year 108 baby buffalo were scheduled to be massacred by the Nepalese Army. So do local towns, like Khokana. They  sponsor a festival where you can bring your kids to watch nine men throw a baby goat into a pond and bite it until it dies.

Remember, Nepal's main industry and source of income is tourism.

Not every Hindu is a psychopathic maniac. There's a lot of outrage, and a growing movement to stop this. Here's an article speaking out against it, and Stop Animal Sacrifice is a campaign against it, and here's a petition you can sign. They need 400 more signatures.

Indian NGOs have formed a coalition with animal rights activists and Hindu and Buddhist leaders for a joint action to halt the sacrifices at Gadhimai. They say

Psychiatrists have long pointed at the health hazard caused to the humans by such unorganized killings and the mental trauma/illness caused by it. Those locals who have been involved in the sacrifice over the years are said to be suffering from an acute form of mental disorder.
“One man had to be permanently tied by a rope as he started murdering people. In the people he saw animal images,”

Ten people got killed this year. They stampeded and trampled each other. Fine by me.

Bad Guys

Kid's class at the dojo. A roomful of little 2^nd graders running all over. We had a big pillow thing like a club that they could clobber each other with. The guy swinging the pillow gets worn out really fast, so we had the rule that you traded places with the clobberer if you got hit, and there were more kids than pillows.

They really got into it. It was pandemonium. Then one little guy who was all confused yelled out

“Who are the bad guys?”

It stopped me in my tracks. What bad guys? Bad guys?  We're all practicing together, taking turns, it's a game, why is somebody bad?

Then I snapped back to reality and remembered “The Creed™”

The world consists of good and bad.
There are two sides.
People on our side are good.
People on the other side are bad.
Bad people must be punished.
  You must choose sides.

A Creed™ I've devoted most of my life to changing, and was the reason we had these classes in the first place. Well, the kid was only six years old, so it's kind of cute.

Now though, I read the news, I look at how things have changed over the last few decades, and I wonder: did I just waste my whole life?

Stalked by Elves!!

Elf Repellents

No, really. There's a guy in Montreal who sees them everywhere he goes, he's even threatened to quit his job if they don't stop harassing him at work.

Don't laugh, though, he's ready for them elves, he's got hisself a 12 gauge. In fact he's got himself a whole arsenal.


He's also got himself a shitload of kiddie porn on his computer, with death threats he's made to people, and his ass in jail where he belongs. 

The prosecutor says

"There's nothing at this point to make us doubt his ability to appear or his fitness to stand trial," 

uhhh, OK, I guess, but his parents?

The death threats were just jokes, no reason to arrest him at all, he doesn't need to see a psychiatrist.

Srsly.  Those elves must have gotten to them already. 

-----

You're better than me if you can read that headline without laughing.

Who Wrote It? (mark)

Celeste was walking along and she saw a guy named Bill. She said “Come with me,” so Bill went with her.

Pop Quiz:
Who wrote that?

-----

Some idiot voted for Bill, you ask? Well, yeah. Earlier I bitched about how we don't know who wrote the Book of Matthew. A christian blogger got all snooty about it ...

Where should this guy who read through Matthew go to find out WHICH Matthew the Bible is referencing?  How about to the early Church Fathers?  As far back as Eusebius, the early church understood this book to have been written by THE Matthew,

Eusebius thought the earth was flat and demons caused disease. How about NOT Eusebius? Better yet, how about an actual reason WHY anybody thought that?

There are a number of reasons Matthew likely used third person in some cases … Probably by far is the most important one, which is that [Bill] preferred to remain in the background.

And a slightly less likely one is that his mind was taken over by the Borg. Somehow you know not just who wrote it but what they preferred? How?

According to people who know about germs and planetary orbits, “There's not a thing in it that would make you suspect the author is talking about himself.” So I asked

why it is that, if Matthew is in fact the author, he writes about himself in the third person?

and he answered

I’m not sure how writing in the third person would tend to negate authorship, as you seem to be implying.  [ Yes, he really said that. ]  It seems to me that if someone wanted to pretend to be the Matthew that was one of the original apostles, he would NOT have used third person and he would have referred to himself (as Matthew) a great deal.

Wtf??? By that logic it was written by the Queen of Sheba, who preferred being anonymous, the Viennese Oyster, and Chardonnay over Riesling. Wev.

The *-letter

The Glee Club opened in Nottingham, UK.

They posted a banner in a shopping center.

It said OMFG on it.

They had to take it down.

Click the pic. Hilarity.

In case you didn't know this, or breathe, the article tells us that

OMG is an abbreviation commonly used in text messages. It stands for Oh My God, with the F in this instance standing for a swear word.

Thanks for being so helpful guys.

-----

There was a massive outpouring of complaints, consisting of two (2) [yes, two] uptight old biddies, one of whom said

"It wasn't just the implied swearword but in one fell swoop they managed to offend all religions."

to which I can only reply

 O...M...F...G!  FFS, BFD.   WTF?

-----

As she lay on her fainting couch, tightly clutching her pearls, she explained, 

"Yes, it's an abbreviation but it stands for something. You don't read it as 'OMFG', in your head you're reading it as the full phrase."

and the manager of the center gallantly (or some other adjective) came to her aid.

"We do not condone the use of the 'F' word or even the implication of it. We wouldn't want to offend people, ... "

-----

Thereor:

Rom now on, or the sake o the children, we henceorth  orbid any orm o this oensive letter. The 7^th letter o the alphabet, ormerly 'g', will move up to ollow the ourth and ith, “d” and “e”: rom now on it's ormally abcdegh. This will protect our wonderull ospring rom those oolish, oul mouthed ellows who ill their speech with proanity.

Careul speech is rightully signiicant, and I'm sure we'll ind that this will work out perectly ine, even i a ew people ind it awully oreign at irst.

In act, the 'g' in this phrase proane's the Lord's name, so we ouht to et rid of it as well. Chane the alphabet to abcdeh. Would that be ood enouh for these ucking oons?

Muslims Against Violence

This is neat. A muslim group in NYC has issued this official statement against domestic violence.

We, the men of the board and staff of the Muslim Consultative Network, stand against domestic violence in any and all forms. In recognition of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we ask Muslim men to stand with us against this societal ill ...

I'm not gonna nitpick with snarky comments about islam or the koran, because this is a good thing and we need more of it.   Salute to them.  Also,

 We applaud MCN Board Member and Executive Director of Turning Point, Robina Niaz, for being at the forefront of combating domestic violence in New York, and other men and women across the country for working against domestic violence. 

This is the first time I've heard of Turning Point, but it sounds great. Here's Ms Niaz in a video that I can't embed, sorry.  :-(  .   She was Queens' Person Of The Week. Yay.

No matter how you feel about religion, you have to support such a thing as this.

the right way to rub homosexuals

Bill Donohue, W.L.B.**, adding to his file of aphasic writing samples entitled "Latest Press Releases", once again provides a quote that will live in the anus of history, to wit,

We know one thing for sure. The heightened sensitivity in Hollywood over rubbing homosexuals the wrong way is at an all-time high.

This, no doubt, is a serious problem, and the question must be asked: What then, is the right way to rub homosexuals?

In the interest of lubricating social intercourse everywhere, we asked certified homosexual Joy S. Beaver if she could give us a hand with this job. She gaily explained that it is often hard, but one must come to grips with the thing to avoid frustration, even if it is hard to swallow.

As we relaxed on the carpet munching ladyfingers, she exposed what the Homosexual Agenda calls for: a sort of circular up and down motion.

Skillfully demonstrating this on Mike Hunt, her assistant, she spread out for us how knots in one's panties inhibit the experience, leaving a person to relieve their frustration by writing stupid press releases. This was the climax of the interview, and left us satisfied that she has put her finger on the problem.

So, Bill, in the refractory period after this latest ejaculation of yours, rest assured that this sensitivity is not overly heightened, and actors and actresses will continue to have the 'positive response' that you found so worrisome. We've got things in hand.

**Whiny Little Bitch

Happy Genocide Day

I'm in terrible mood so it seems appropriate to write bout the holidays, since this is Columbus Day, aka horribly-murder-15-million-people day. Josef Megele didn't get a holiday, Shiro Ishi didn't, why does CC?

Thinking of the Spanish invasion of the Americas always bring to mind two images from the history books.  Something most people don't know is that the Spanish dominance rested, as much as on horses and gunpowder, on the use of war dogs. These were like giant pit bulls on steroids, trained to kill.  You might not want to read the next two paragraphs.

------

One is an event De Las Casas mentioned in passing, as not at all out of the ordinary. The Spaniards went to a native village to buy food and one of their dogs disemboweled a pregnant woman so her infant was left hanging out. They called the dog off, but don't picture any medics rushing to help her, they held off so that the priest could baptize the baby, to save it's immortal soul, you see. Then they set the dogs back on her.

The other image is one of Ponce De Leon's crew in Florida who couldn't get to sleep, because of the screaming from an Indian they had roasting over the fire. He solved the problem by cutting the man's vocal cords so he couldn't scream.  That he knew how to do that bothers me.

--------

Remember the words of the guy this day is named after; all this was done

"to conquer the world, spread the Christian faith and regain the Holy Land and the Temple Mount." 

How Islamic a country is is a good measure of how much of a hellhole it is.  Anybody out there who says things would be different if Christians were in power, go read a history book.  Also, go fuck yourself.  And fuck Columbus, and this stupid holiday.

Have a nice day. 

Blow Jobs for Jesus

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Book of Matthew, Review

Summary of the Book of Matthew

There was this preacher named Jesus, with a martyr complex, who got himself killed. His cult plugged him into the old die-and-come-back-in-three-days meme that was floating around since Sumerian times.

To which I can only say:
So?

The book is odd. They call it the Bible, but that just means “the book”. I think I knew that before I picked it up. The cover says “the New Testament”, which doesn't tell me much either.

Full disclaimer. It's stolen. I got it from the cancer ward, where they're laying around like maggots on meat. Every coffee table in there has at least one or two, and they're all the New Testament only. They must figure if the patients read that depressing crap in the Old Testament they'd lose their will to live. That's part of the reason I wanted to read it, to see if it was all inspirational and shit.

The Beatitudes, chapter 5,6 and 7, stand out as better than the rest. They're supposed to have come from a different writer. Outside of that there's nothing special.

Claims some miracles, that's SOP, and they're pretty third rate. Jesus changed water into wine, big deal: Izamai gave birth to the eight Islands of Japan (ouch), and Indra grew a thousand vaginas on his body. Now those are some impressive miracles.

The first thing this book says is “Matthew” so immediately I asked, “Who the hell is Matthew?”, and now I've read the whole thing and I still don't know. Maybe he wrote it, maybe he is the Matthew in the story, maybe he's the rich cousin who funded it, maybe he's the unrequited love for whom the author's heart pines, fuck I don't know.

The NIV has all these little section headings, you'd think they could put in an explanation, like “This is Matthew's testimony about Jesus”, but no, you have to figure that out for yourself, and you know what? It never says any such thing. It's just a story about Jesus, and the author could be Stephen King for all I know.

Hint for future scripture writers. Go to a courtroom. Listen to testimony. Notice how the first thing they do is establish the credibility of the witness. They want to avoid this:

That would explain a lot.

What's the Problem?

People have a hard time understanding this; maybe a picture will help.

Any questions?

the Case of the Missing Body (mat 28)

This line really threw me. That for in there? I looked it up—it's the Greek word gor, and it means because.

 2There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. (28:2)

So see, (1) there was an earthquake, and we know this because an angel (2) came down; went to the tomb; sat; WTF? Do any of these things cause earthquakes? It seems like you'd notice an earthquake, angel or no angel, even if it showed a lot of cleavage. I never did figure it out, but non-christian historical sources say there was a quake, and even mention some mysterious darkness [cue spooky music].

Earlier, it made a big deal of an earthquake strong enough to open tombs, right when Jesus died. Matthew gets a little carried away [Zombies! Giggle] but it's no surprise people would tell stories about this guy if that happened. Must means something, right? Then three days later, an aftershock, reasonable, and it jiggles those tombs even more, reasonable. And grave robbers are taking advantage, looting the tombs, reasonable, stealing bodies, Wait????What ??? Why the hell would they do that? 

Hmmm, let's read on. My bible has section headings. Here's “the guard’s report” 28:11-15

11 the guards told the priests what happened,
12 the priests paid the soldiers
13 to say “His disciples came and stole the body”
14 and said they had their back with the governor.
15 So they did. And the jews are still claiming this.

Oh ho hooo! It's a Christain writing this. They were a minor party, like the Teabaggers. “The Jews” was everybody: it was a Jewish place, saying Jews then was like Americans now, or at least Democrats. Back then before TV, when you had to write everything down, these gospels were like Fox news. So here's a Teabagger, on Fox, saying “the Dems paid the gaurds to say that”. 
 

Wouldn't you suspect he's just trying to spin things his way? Wouldn't you want to hear the guards side of it? Wouldn't you ask which side is telling the truth? Of course not; because you're a fanatic who just believes whatever he's told.

The Case of the Missing Body--Closed. Although, there's still a controversy about this, also about Obama's birth certificate, also whether Earth circles the sun. Srsly. 

Mormon Pope Lies

“any type of union other than marriage between a man and a woman is morally wrong,”

an old rich white bigot told millions of gullible Mormons on Sunday.  Milking their delusion that he is a prophet who talks to God, the old buzzard ranted that

“There are those today who not only tolerate but advocate voting to change laws that would legalize immorality, as if a vote would somehow alter the designs of God’s laws and nature,”

“We cannot change; we will not change,” vowed the dishonest old hypocrite, as a black hole of irony soaked up the rest of his meaningless drivel. 

See, it used to be a man and a harem.

"For it is my will, that in time, ye should take unto you wives of the Lamanites and Nephites, that their posterity may become white, delightsome and Just, for even now their females are more virtuous than the gentiles."- Prophet Joseph Smith, The Joseph Smith Revelations Text and Commentary, p. 374-37. 1831

but then it wasn't

“we declare that we believe, that one man should have one wife; and one woman, but one husband, except in the case of death, when either is at liberty to marry again." (section 101, verse 4, Doctrine and Covenants, 1^st edition, 1835)

but then it was

if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he justified (132:60-62. Doctrine and Covenants 2^nd edition, 1843)

But then it wasn't

“Hiram Brown has been preaching Polygamy, and other false and corrupt doctrines, in the county of Lapeer, state of Michigan.” so “he has been cut off from the Church for his iniquity” Joseph Smith - Times and Seasons, vol. 5, p. 423 (1844)

But it was!

"Now if any of you will deny the plurality of wives, and continue to do so, I promise that you will be damned,(Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, vol. 3, p. 266, (1853)"

One man and one woman was teh EVIL.

"The only men who become Gods, even the Sons of God, are those who enter into polygamy," (Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, vol. 11, p. 269, (1864)

“Plural marriage is not some sort of superfluity or non-essential to the salvation or exaltation of mankind.” Joseph F. Smith - Journal of Discourses, vol. 20, p. 28 (1878)

monogamy was a ticket to hell

"I understand the law of celestial marriage to mean that every man in the Church, who has the ability to obey and practice it in righteousness and will not, shall be damned." Joseph F. Smith - Journal of Discourses, vol. 20, p. 31 (1878)

God said!

"The same God that has thus far dictated me and directed me and strengthened me in this work, gave me this revelation and commandment on celestial and plural marriage, and the same God commanded me to obey it. He said to me that unless I accepted it, and introduced it, and practiced it, I, together with my people would be damned and cut off from this time henceforth. We have got to observe it. It is an eternal principle and was given by way of commandment and not by way of instruction."
- Prophet Joseph Smith, The Contributor, Vol. 5, p. 259 1884

but then it wasn't

“I, Joseph F. Smith, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, hereby affirm and declare that no such marriages have been solemnized with the sanction, consent, or knowledge of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And I hereby announce that all such marriages are prohibited,” 1904 Manifesto

and now,

“We cannot change; we will not change,” drools this disgusting old pervert. As if.

Quote of the Day

Just something I overheard.

"Asking Christians to oppose radical Islam is like calling in the Crips to run the Bloods out of town." 

Strange Ritual in Dallas School

(From Democratic Underground)

When our elder daughter was to take her year of high school "abroad," she elected to go to my US home of Dallas, Texas. [after growing up in Germany]

She lived with our friends there and went to the local public high school. As this was to be her first time living
away from the family, and the first time living abroad, I went with her for the first week (gave me a chance to visit with our friends there anyway).

After the first couple of days, I asked her if all was OK. She said, yes, but she had a hard time getting used to some of the stranger rituals.

Strange rituals? In a Dallas public school?

Yes, she said. The ritual chanting they did every morning.

I said that they were forbidden by federal law to do ritual chanting in a public school.

She insisted that they did just that. They all got up, and said something in unison that started with "I spread the peaches."

I answered that I could not imagine that they all stood up and chanted "I spread the peaches." She said there was more to it, but that was the only part she understood. They mumbled the rest.

Wondering if a Dallas public school had been taken over by Hare Krishnas or Body Snatchers, I asked her for more details.

She said they all stood up together, put their hands on their chests and started to mumble this chant that started with "I spread the peaches."

Hands on their chests? I said, could it be that they are saying "I pledge allegiance?"

She said she had no idea. What did "pledge" mean and what did "allegiance" mean?

She was 16, and her English was pretty good, but in normal conversation, the words "pledge" and allegiance" are not frequently used with your 16 year old daughter, and so she didn't know either word in English, having grown up as a German.

The Dallas kids were so bored with chanting it each day that they mumbled it to the point where my daughter couldn't make out a word they were saying, and her ears transformed the first part into the closest thing she would have understood.

I spread the peaches to the flag....................

-------

**the OP tells how a Mississippi judge jailed a guy for not spreading the peaches. wtf?

Oh goody, more blasphemous art

A museum in Colorado is showing an exhibit of really crappy art, and if you look real close you'll see Jesus getting a blow job, supposedly. I can't quite make it out, but some loser with a computer, aka the Catholic League, has complained that Jesus is defiled.  LOL, defile me baby, oh , yeah, defile me.    

pic of the whole thing is here, the last panel is the smutty culprit. 

 About 50 people with no lives turned out to protest.

“It disgraces the God of all creation.” sez Linda King.

“We don’t think our savior should be put in those kind of poses,”sez Steven Gregory “I love art, but this isn’t art.”

I agree that's a terrible pose for a blow job, it looks like he's sticking it in the guys ear. That'll never work.
It is art though, just like what your first grader makes in art class, which by the look of it is where this came from. You just say nice things about it, don't try to figure out what they were trying to describe. Whoops, too late, Susan already went there:

Susan Ison, the city's director of cultural services, said ... Chagoya was attempting to describe his "midlife crisis" in the piece. 
"It's very complex," said Ison. "I really can't describe simply what he's trying to get at."

Mmmm, grant money?

The right wing is all angry and shooting at their feet, too. A particularly nasty commenter at that first link rants that

3. You’ll never see any of these “artists” do anything remotely similar to Muhammad.

and some idiot with a blog even made a post called well-thank-god-it-isnt-muhammad.  Ummm, guys, that kneeling beardo with his head on fire? with the piggy hookers? That's muhammad, dumbasses.   I know, this information is hidden away in books, but at least pay attention when the Teevee gives you your hating orders. 

“It is visual profanity,” said art gallery owner Linda King, in an interview with the Loveland Reporter-Herald. “It disgraces the God of all creation.”

She's wrong. It's not visual profanity.  This is visual profanity.

Is this a Joke?

If you know anyone who would buy this product, my advice is to stay far, far away from them.

The Zombie Hordes (mat 27:52-3)

Zombies in the Bible? Yeah, I don't know why this doesn't get more play. I've heard christains go all orgasmic over 'Jesus was the only person who ever rose from the dead bla bla bla', and by 'known' they mean their book says so, well, NOT!

The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life.  They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people. (Matthew 27:52-3)

I'd say something here, but this guy already said it.

“why is nothing of the sort mentioned in Roman history? I guess this would be something every frigging legionary, centurion, scribe, rabbi, scholar, visiting Martian and space-time hopping member of the Great Race of Yith would take note of, I presume.  A zombie-plague in Jerusalem!”

PS. Matthew's the only one who says this. Mark, Luke, and John were all too embarrassed to include it in their gospels. Lulz.