Who Wrote It? (mark)

Celeste was walking along and she saw a guy named Bill. She said “Come with me,” so Bill went with her.

Pop Quiz:
Who wrote that?

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Some idiot voted for Bill, you ask? Well, yeah. Earlier I bitched about how we don't know who wrote the Book of Matthew. A christian blogger got all snooty about it ...

Where should this guy who read through Matthew go to find out WHICH Matthew the Bible is referencing?  How about to the early Church Fathers?  As far back as Eusebius, the early church understood this book to have been written by THE Matthew,

Eusebius thought the earth was flat and demons caused disease. How about NOT Eusebius? Better yet, how about an actual reason WHY anybody thought that?

There are a number of reasons Matthew likely used third person in some cases … Probably by far is the most important one, which is that [Bill] preferred to remain in the background.

And a slightly less likely one is that his mind was taken over by the Borg. Somehow you know not just who wrote it but what they preferred? How?

According to people who know about germs and planetary orbits, “There's not a thing in it that would make you suspect the author is talking about himself.” So I asked

why it is that, if Matthew is in fact the author, he writes about himself in the third person?

and he answered

I’m not sure how writing in the third person would tend to negate authorship, as you seem to be implying.  [ Yes, he really said that. ]  It seems to me that if someone wanted to pretend to be the Matthew that was one of the original apostles, he would NOT have used third person and he would have referred to himself (as Matthew) a great deal.

Wtf??? By that logic it was written by the Queen of Sheba, who preferred being anonymous, the Viennese Oyster, and Chardonnay over Riesling. Wev.